Absolutely silly story, written as an excuse to get Blaise Zabini and Hermione Granger to spend time together. I have no life. So sue me. On second thought, don't; I have no money.

Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter, or any characters featured within, JKR does. If I did, the series would be a whole lot more silly, include inside jokes, Monty Python references and general randomness.

WARNING: You need to have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail before reading this, or a lot of the jokes will be lost on you. If you haven't seen it, then you are an imbecile and should not be reading in any case. *grins*

One last thing; never drink and drive, never get sick and write. It tends to screw up a lot of things.


During a fit of insanity, (or so they assumed) Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, had decided, in an attempt to promote Inter-House Relationships , that each student should spend at least one evening every week with their counterpart of a different House.

This prompted many students to run off in the opposite direction, screaming bloody murder, because they were intelligent enough to be able to translate the announcement. Unfortunately, it spelled out "Hell on Earth". And if not that, then something like it.

The students of all four Houses were sorted into pairs. This was done by writing each of their names on a separate piece of parchment, which was dropped into an old glass bowl; formerly the home of Professor Sinistra's goldfish named Slim and Wandsworth, and then pulled out at random. (The Sorting Hat had refused to cooperate; it declared it was degrading for such an honourable hat as itself)

Of course, this had caused quite a few unorthodox pairs, but even as all Slytherin students complained about it to Professor Snape, and the Hufflepuffs threatened to go on strike, nothing could be done about it. At least, that was Dumbledore's excuse. No one really believed him, but since he had the ultimate authority over what happened at the school, there was nothing they could do.

Once the news of which students had been paired up reached the ears of said students, the amount of complaints to their respective Head of Houses doubled, nay tripled, in a matter of hours. If students could resign, two- thirds of them would have. As it was, they gave up any hopes of getting through the school year with their sanity in one piece, and accepted their fate.

As previously stated, many strange pairs were the result of the latest bit of insanity. Hermione Granger and Blaise Zabini was one of them. Of course, it could have been worse. It could have been Draco Malfoy. But then again, Blaise could be just as bad if he tried to. Thankfully, he had never been a ferret, though what this had to do with anything, no one knew.

The first weekly ´meeting´ was scheduled for Friday night. Each student had to plan some event for their meetings, something both of them could enjoy. Hermione had offered to start, and Blaise hadn't put up much of a fight. Seeing as she was Muggleborn, she'd decided to introduce him to a Muggle activity; movies.

Hermione was a closet Monty Python-fan, and of all their movies, she liked The Holy Grail the most. She'd never told Ron and Harry about it, since she didn't really think they had to know, but if she was going to be forced to sit through one evening a week with a Slytherin, she'd damn well sit it through with Monty Python and a healthy dose of popcorn.


Getting permission to bring a DVD-player to Hogwarts was the easy part; Dumbledore was nearly as fascinated with Muggle things as Arthur Weasley. Getting it to actually function while on Hogwarts ground was somewhat harder. She'd e-searched the library, even asked McGonagall for help, when she finally stumbled on the right charm. After that, things went easier.

When Friday finally came, she'd rigged the whole thing up in one of the rooms Dumbledore had set aside for the project, and was waiting somewhat impatiently for Blaise to arrive. She'd even made a big bowl of popcorn. If nothing else, she could throw them at the Slytherin if he proved too infuriating.

She'd sat down in the chair, reading the latest addition to the library (´How to Make Smarmy Gits Infuriated´) when Blaise finally arrived, ten minutes later than he should have. He raised his eyebrow at the sight of the Muggle TV, but sat down in the chair next to her anyway.

"So, what're we going to do, Granger?" He asked.

"I was going to tell you that; we're watching a Muggle movie." She said, pushing the play button.

"Yay." Blaise dead-panned.

"Shut up and have some popcorn." She handed him the bowl.

"Right." He said, taking some of the popcorn, "And I am supposed to do what with these? Stuff them up my nose?"

"No, although that would be amusing to watch. You eat them." Hermione suppressed a snort.

Not even five minutes in his company, and she was already taking on some Slytherin qualities. Snorting wasn't in her usual repertoire. Neither was biting comments, unless directed at Ron. But she might as well give as good as she got.

She turned her attention to the screen, where the first scene of the old black-and-white commercial was showing. At least, she had always assumed it was a commercial; it certainly seemed like it. However, as soon as the text began to appear, listing names of actors, producers and so on, she grinned. She subtitles to this part were just so funny.

Beside her, Blaise was squinting at the subtitles as well, looking like he was trying to understand what they meant, while not knowing which language it was written in. His lips moved as he tried to decipher them, but finally he gave up.

"Granger, what the hell is up with those?" He gestured to the screen.

"The subtitles? You'll see; now hush." Hermione grinned.

"I still don't see what's so good about this movie thing. It's just like wizard-pictures." He complained.

"Hush. It gets better." She reached over and grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl in his lap.

He watched her for a moment before eating a few for himself, and returning to the movie. The first chuckle came when the ´incorrect-subtitles´ ended, and the message appeared. The second when the movie actually started, and King Arthur and his trust footman Patsy appeared, banging two coconut shells together. Apparently, he enjoyed Monty Python humour just as much as she did.


"Air-speed velocity?"

"Yes. Sparrows are a very serious matter."

"Ah. But an African one is larger, then?"

"Probably. But they don't migrate."

"I knew there was something I missed."

"I'm not surprised."


"But he's not dead!"

"That's the funny part. You're supposed to laugh at it."



"It is kind of funny, now that you mention it."

"I'm glad you noticed."

Even more silence.

"So that's how you recognize a king."


"They don't know they have a king?"

"It's part of the joke."

Silence as a few seconds of the scene passes by.

"I wouldn't want to be king if some ´watery tart´ threw a sword at me either. I'd throw it right back."

"The sad thing is, you probably would."

"And I wouldn't want a scimitar lobbed at me either; it could be dangerous."

"Of course it could, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

"..Why not?"

"Hush. I'm watching the movie."


"What a loon. He thinks he's dangerous, but he's actually so pathetic it's laughable."

"I know. Kind of like being attacked by a fuzzy bunny rabbit with pointed teeth. Oh, wait, never mind."

"Never mind what?"

"I just remembered a later scene, which rules out the ´fuzzy bunny´ part of my previous sentence."



"Bedevere's strange; he removes that nose-guard every time he speaks."

"Mhm. And his reasoning is pretty flawed."

"Coming from the girl who walked out of Divination because it was too inexact."

"How did you know about that?"

"I have my sources."

"Bloody Slytherin."

"I resent that; I washed these clothes yesterday."



"The ´vicious Chicken of Bristol´? Wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill? Who is that wimp?"

"That's the ´brave, brave, brave Sir Robin´."

"Why're you singing?"

"You'll see."



"What's spam got to do with this?"

"You've never heard of spam? Oh, wait, you're a Pureblood, you've never seen any of the Python movies. I forgot."

"I'm feeling decidedly insulted."

"That's because you were."



"I agree. Camelot seems like the very epitome of silliness."

"You don't say?"


"We do not speak like that! This is discriminating!"

"Calm down, boy, it's supposed to be a bad accent. That's why it's funny."

"Sure. Your mother is a hamster anyway."

"No, she isn't. She's a Muggle. The difference is there, but I guess you're just too indoctrinated to see it."

"Bite me."

"You wish."


"Alright, the castle virgins were just a mite disturbing..."

"Just a little? I thought you were used to Pansy by now."

"Touché, Granger, touché."

"I try."


"What sane person wants a shrubbery when they can demand gold or something useful?"

"They're the keepers of the words ´Ni´, ´Peng´ and ´Neee-wom´. They're entitled to be a bit strange."

"Oh, yes, but that goes beyond strange."


"Herbert should go to Broadway."

"What's Broadway?"

"Muggle thing."


"That's the spirit! Kill the bride!"

"He didn't, you know. Only the bride's father."

"Hey, don't ruin my perfect comment!"


"A herring? That was random."

"No shit?"

"No, it was a herring."


"I'd eat his minstrels too. They're annoying."

"So you'd become a cannibal just because your patience isn't up to scratch?"


"Remind me not to sit near you at dinner."


"Ah, now I get the rabbit comment."

"Mhm. Took you long enough."

"I've never seen this before."


"Shut up."


"The Bridge of Death was a let-down."

"What'd you expect? Cerberus the three-headed dog?"

"No, but not an old man with optical setbacks."

"Optical setbacks? Odd choice of words."

"I'm a different sort of person, hadn't you noticed?"

"Only too well."


"That Frenchman is starting to annoy me."

"Yes, but you've got to admit his insults are imaginative, if nothing else."

"I do. He just annoys me, that's all."


"That's it?" Blaise asked, as the end-credits rolled.

"Yes. Pretty funny, right?" Hermione replied as she stood up.

"It was, actually," He sounded surprised, "I never thought Muggles could be so funny."

"It's called intelligence, Zabini, I'm sure you've heard of the concept." She grinned.

Maybe Slytherins weren't that bad, after all. At least, this Slytherin wasn't. No one who enjoyed Monty Python could be wholly bad. The funniest part of the evening had definitely been his constant comments, which had prompted her to show off her own sarcastic sense of humour.

"Oh, I've heard of it all right, I just wasn't sure Muggles possessed it." He quipped.

"Hey, Einstein was a Muggle, and he came up with the relativity theory. That was pretty damn smart." She pointed out.

Blaise's only reply was a grin, as he picked up the popcorn bowl from the floor. She pulled out her wand and started cleaning up after the tow of them, grinning a bit to herself. If this was how Blaise really was like, maybe the weekly meetings wouldn't be so bad.

"Well, I've got to go, Granger. See you next time." He said, as he headed for the door.

"Sure, it's your turn next time anyway." She shrugged, starting for the door as well.

The rest of the walk up to the Gryffindor Tower was silent, as Hermione had never been the kind to talk to herself. She wondered, a little nervous, what Blaise would plan for the next week would be. Almost as an afterthought, she wondered how Ron and Harry had done on their meetings.

Harry had ended up with Padma Patil from Ravenclaw, and Ron had gotten Rose Zeller, a third year from Slytherin. The latter was a bit of an odd match, since most students got paired up with students in their own year, but Ron didn't seem to mind anything else than that she was Slytherin. Hopefully, he hadn't been too hard on the girl.

The Common Room was quiet when she arrived, and she quickly went to bed, resolving to ask the boys about their meetings in the morning. Besides, she needed the sleep; sarcastic exchanges with a snarky Slytherin could be tiring.


Ending Notes; it all started as a crazy idea when I was home from school (I got a cold. Damn classmates; they have a nasty habit of being contagious.) It was more of a joke when I started, and then it got more serious as I went. (The intention, not the story)

As I said in the beginning, it is just an excuse to get my favourite couple together, and has little or no plot. Read it for fun, because that's what I had while writing it.