Title: Love and Addiction
Author: Jeff Baker (aka, Jeff-B, JA Baker, Sinister
Rating: PG-13/R (depends on how you take it)
Archive: Just ask me first.
Feedback: Would be grateful.
Disclaimers: Andromeda's not mine, its Roddenberry's and Tribunes.
Summary: Rommie contemplates her relationship with Beka as she goes through a night of Flash withdrawal. Sequel to I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. With thanks to Furball for the beta.
Love and Addiction
Do I find this strange? No, not really. Ok, so Beka's a woman, and, technically, so am I, but it's not unheard-of. The others have a problem with it, to greater and lesser extents, out of jealousy: Tyr is jealous of me because I got Beka, Dylan is jealous of Beka became she got me, and Harper is jealous if both of us because we got each other.
Do I love Beka? Yes, I think I do: I would be the first to admit that my experiences in this field are not exactly extensive, but I feel for Beka something I've only ever felt for Dylan before now. I know it's not easy to have any kind of personal relationship when you're part of such a small crew, but after having to hide my personal feelings for such a long time, it's liberating to be able to say to the universe that I love someone, and not care about the consequences.
Tyr has been, predictably, difficult: his own un-resolved feelings for Beka, coupled with his contempt for AI's, have driven him to mock and belittle us and our relationship at every opportunity. I'd like to turn round and point out that he had over two years to make his move for Beka, but could never decide between his Nietzschean obsession with genetic purity and his attraction to the woman who now shares my bed, and as such forfeited his claim to her heart.
Beka's worried, no, scared is a better way of putting it, that one day Dylan will see what his missed out with me, then he'll snap his finger, and I'll go running to him. I've tried telling her that's not going to happen, that while I still have strong feelings for Dylan, I can't see myself ever leaving her.
I'm shocked at how true that statement is: despite all the programming that makes me dedicated to the High Guard, and Dylan's mission to re-form the Commonwealth, I know that if Beka ever decided to leave, I'd go with her, no questions asked.
Dylan isn't very comfortable with my relationship with Beka: I can see his face tighten every time we share a look, or a gentle touch. He almost blew his lid the first time we kissed in public, and even now doesn't like it when we walk down the corridors, hand in hand. Beka says it's because he sees what he lost in me with his foolish dedication to the rules and regulations.
So here I lay in bed, holding the woman I love in my arms, telling her how much I love her as she goes through another night of Flash withdrawal. It tears me up inside to see her like this, her body racked with pain as the lingering remains of the drug torment her, trying to brake the last of her self control and resolve, trying to make her destroy her life by driving her back to the Flash. We've tried everything we can to break her addiction, but still it remains, a dark spot on her soul.
Only Dylan knows that Beka still has such trouble with Flash, only he knows how I stay up some nights, keeping her from harming herself. He trusts me to keep her safe, to keep her sane. He's eased up on us since I told him, since I showed him the security camera footage of her sitting in the corner of the room, hugging her knees, bugging me to ether give her one last dose of Flash or to kill her. He knows that I'll tell him if she starts using again, to betray the woman I love if it endangers the ship.
So I wrap my arms around her tightly, whisper 'I love you' in her ear, and settle in for another night of tears and pain, another night of trying to lift Beka above her addiction.
Why do I do it? Because I love her, that's why.