by Phil D. Hernández
GENRES:Xena: Warrior Princess, parody. VIOLENCE: A few seriously dead people show up and blame Xena. No fighting. SEX: Charon is reprimanded for sexual harassment. LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean. RATING: PG-13. SUBTEXT: None. SPOILERS: None. NOTICE TO JOXERPHILES: This story satirizes Ted-bashing. Which means he gets bashed. Sorry.
Hades God of the Dead
Persephone Hades's wife
Pluto God of Underground Wealth, Hades's assistant
Celesta Goddess of Death
Xena Warrior Princess
Gabrielle the Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons, Xena's best friend
Joxer the Mighty, would-be hero
Hercules of Tiryns, son of Zeus, legendary hero
Iolaus Hercules's nephew, also a hero
Autolycus King of Thieves
Minos Hades's assistant
Rhadamantes another of Hades's assistants
Charon ferryman of the dead
Barsii, soldiers and other spirits of the dead
A knot of gods and their assistants met at the gates leading to the lands of the dead. They were unhappy.
I tell you, Hades said, I'm getting tired of all this fan fiction. They keep killing everybody off, and then they expect us to resurrect the principals so they can do it again. Hello, Joxer.
Celesta took Joxer by the hand and led him off.
And then they get them all mixed up! Different bodies, different times, even different species! Hi, Xena.
The Warrior Princess handed Charon a coin. Time for another ferry ride, she said merrily. Charon stomped off with her. Celesta returned.
Hades continued: It just keeps getting worse and worse! There's new writers going on line every day, and they just keep writing more stories! I'm going to have to start demanding that Zeus pay us overtime! Hello again, Joxer.
Persephone walked off with him. I thought turning you into a horse would do the trick, but no-oh! she said. Oh, well, I guess we'll try something else. Charon came back.
Then there's the wars, Hades went on. Speaking of which –
A group of barbarians and assorted soldiers marched up. Who are you? Hades asked.
We're the Barsii, one of the barbarians answered. These guys are the Illyrians, Macedonians, and who knows who. We all got killed so this writer could get Gabrielle to fall in love with Joxer.
See how much work these writers make for us? Hades complained. Rhadamantes, your turn.
Grumbling, Rhadamantes led the warriors off. As the long line passed, Persephone returned. That Joxer! she said.
Hercules came up to them. Don't mind me, he said, somebody's got me visiting Deianeira in the Elysian Fields again. I wish the kids weren't always around in those stories; I've got some unfinished business, if you know what I mean. He moved on.
You'd think they'd come up with something different for a change. Hello again, Joxer.
I'm sorry, Hades. It's not my fault some of these fans hate my guts. You know, they even had a Death to Joxer' competition?
How could I forget? Thirty visits in one day, for Zeus' sake!
Minos took charge of the mighty one this time.
I mean, maybe they could all settle down or something, Hades suggested. Hi, Gabrielle! We don't see you here very often.
I'd rather be here than in some of those other stories. Do you know how many times they've got me falling in love with Joxer, or kissing him, or marrying him? There's even a Gabrielle and Joxer Romantics Society' now! One idiot had Aphrodite turn me into a statue! I'd love to meet him and show him what fighting with my little stick' is all about! Hi, Joxer!
Hi, Gabrielle. I guess it's Bash Joxer Day' again today.
Pluto sighed. My turn, I guess. He led them both away as Minos came back.
Iolaus, Autolycus and Salmoneus appeared.
What are you guys here for? Hades asked.
Autolycus replied, some writer has us stealing your cap of darkness again. Something about making Callisto look silly. I suppose you'll have to put us through some death-defying tests.
I love death-defying tests, Iolaus said. Well, actually I don't, but the writer made me say it.
Salmoneus pointed out, I don't love death-defying tests, myself. I just wish they'd let me keep some dinars once in a while so I don't have to cook up more hare-brained schemes.
Hades sighed. I'll take care of this. Pluto, I see you're back already, so you take over. The God of the Dead took the three in tow.
You think they'd send us more Amazons once in a while, Rhadamantes said wistfully when he rejoined the group.
Oh, you men! Always thinking about your own pleasure! Persephone gave Rhadamantes a caustic look. And you, Charon, trying to look up their skirts! They're dead, you satyr! Hi, Joxer.
You think I can get a permanent gig here? the clumsy warrior asked. I'm getting tired of this. I took a survey and found out I get killed three times as often as I win Gabby's heart. That includes the stories where both things happen!
Maybe your people should talk to our people, Charon suggested as he joined Joxer on the latest go-round. Hades returned.
Well, they managed to steal my cap and not get killed, Hades announced. Of course the writer arranged it all.
A large group of strangely dressed men and women drew near. They all bore deep hideous cutting wounds, as though someone had hacked them down. They looked frightened.
Well, this is different! Hades remarked with pleasure. Welcome to the land of the dead! Several of the new arrivals screamed, while one or two fainted.
That isn't the usual reaction, the God of the Dead observed. All right, how did you get here?
It was Xena! She got loose at a convention and just started mowing all of us fan fiction writers down with her chakram! an overweight man wearing glasses replied.
Xena killed you all? Persephone asked happily.
Yes, she did! Hey, I know! You guys can send us back, just like in our stories!
The assembled gods laughed maliciously.
No fan fiction writers were harmed in the writing of this story (bwahahahaha). Several actual groups and stories are referred to; there is no intent to defame them. Write on!