Project Koala, written by alocin

*I own nothing; I am only borrowing the Matrix people from Warner Bros, etc and the Koalas from Satan who is their master. This "story" if you will call it that is an attempt at some humour, but only an attempt. It is based in my own little universe somewhere, after the first film. Thanks to the Agents board peeps who really brought out the Koalas!*

The streets were dark and, for the most part, deserted at such a late hour. This was an advantage to people who did not want their actions to be observed by others. Bob was one such person. He walked quickly through the city streets, his leather jacket pulled close around himself to keep the icy night air out. It might not be real, he thought to himself, but it sure felt cold enough.

"'Do some more reconnaissance', he said, 'It'll only take a little while', he said. Yeah right! He's not the one freezing to death out here." Muttering to himself Bob turned the corner into another empty road.

"I'd go get McDonalds if it wasn't so damm late. Stupid 'reconnaissance', not gonna find anything round here except rubbish." He aimed a kick at an empty can, sending it spinning into the gutter.

"Does he think the Agents are gonna hang around somewhere like this, just waiting for Neo to turn up so he can explodify some more of them? Stuck up bald git." He just hoped that Morpheus wasn't listening in on what he was saying.

Maybe this vague paranoia was what made Bob notice the scratching sounds behind him instantly. He span around, his hand reaching for the gun in his inside coat pocket. Scanning the streets he saw nothing to be alarmed at, but his paranoia remained.

"Probably nothing," he told himself. "Just rats." Another little voice inside his head said that that was what they all said, just before they were picked off by the serial killer. Or Agent. "God, I am getting paranoid."

Shaking his head he continued walking down the street. But not for long. The scratching suddenly became faster and closer, and as he turned back towards the noise he was confused by what he saw running at him.

"What the hell are you doing here, in the middle of a city?" Of all the things to come across. Maybe it escaped from the zoo. "You're not going to find any eucalyptus here." It looked kinda cute. Like it would make a good pet.

Then to his horror the creature bared it's fangs and leaped for his face. Disbelief on his face, Bob reached for his gun he tried to back away but it was too fast. His screams pierced the quiet night air, followed by several shots. Then there was silence again, but for the horrible crunching of teeth cracking bone.

On the Nebuchadnezzer there was confusion. One of their own had been killed and they had no idea what had occurred. After Bob's body had been removed a meeting was called to try and determine what exactly had happened.

"I was watching him on the screens, walking along just fine. There were no Agent signatures." Link confirmed. "But something in there got him."

"It almost looked like he had been mauled, from the wounds on his body." Trinity pointed out. He had not been a pretty sight. Neo had excused himself when he saw it, and disappeared away in the direction of the head. He still looked distinctly more pale than usual. Morpheus looked troubled.

"I have an idea that I may know what caused Bob's untimely death." He said, looking down at the table. "If I am right then it does not bode well for us. While I was being held captive by the Agents at their headquarters, I noticed a peculiar and strong smell in the building. That of eucalyptus. This suggested to me that the Agents were doing research with.koalas."

At the mention of the word Neo made a strangled squeaking noise. Link looked confused, never having heard of them before. Trinity laughed.

"Koalas!? The fluffy little Australian bear things? You've got to be kidding!"

"I regret to say I am not. You see once I was freed from them I did some research into Phascolarctos cinereus, or the koala. They are not the cute, fluffy marsupial they are made out to be. They are responsible for more human deaths than wolves, bears, crocodiles and sharks combined! The fluffiness is merely a disguise. They have large fangs, sharp claws and a vicious temper."

Neo looked as if he was going to be sick again. Morpheus continued.

"Although it is rumoured that koalas eat only eucalyptus, they actually have a taste for human flesh, preferring it over leaves when available." Morpheus looked grave. "I believe that the Agents have taken the koala, an already vicious foe, and have altered it's programming slightly so they can be controlled - directed to attack specific targets."

"Killer koalas? I'll believe it when I see it." Trinity scoffed. "Why would they go to all that trouble to make trained koalas? Why not just get a big vicious dog or something?"

"I am not sure." Admitted Morpheus. "They must have their reasons."

"Erm..." Neo began, his voice shaking slightly. "This might be a good time to tell you guys that I have a, uh, a phobia of k,..k,..koalas. You see, when I was a kid we went to the zoo this one time, and I put my hand through the bars to feed this k,..koala." He closed his eyes. "It just went for me! It's eyes were glowing, and it had these huge fangs! It was terrible, I thought I was going to lose my hand. I still have a scar."

Trinity leant forward to examine his hand. Neo pulled it back. "Let me see!" she said, grabbing his wrist. A tiny, barely visible line was all there was to see. "Is that it? You're a baby sometimes, you really are." Neo glared at her.

"No matter how it started, Neo does seem to have a genuine phobia." Morpheus tried to regain control of the meeting. "Obviously the Agents discovered this and are trying to exploit his weakness. They assume he will be powerless against koalas. What are we going to do?"

"God, they are just koalas! We have guns - they are small marsupials. I wouldn't have thought there was much of a contest." Trinity still hadn't grasped the ferocity of koalas. Neo tried to enlighten her.

"They are very bloodthirsty. And they strike like lightning! If they catch you unawares." He shuddered. "That must be how they got Bob!" Morpheus made calming motions at Trinity, who was beginning to get frustrated by Neo's evident terror of koalas.

"Despite Neo's fear of regular koalas, they are no match for an alert human, particularly if they are armed. We must assume that the Agents have also increased their programmed strength and speed." At this revelation, which he obviously hadn't thought of, Neo quietly keeled over in a dead faint. Trinity rolled her eyes. Morpheus still looked troubled. Link, being of little use in this section had, erm... wandered off somewhere.

Meanwhile at their overground headquarters the Agents plotted the rebels doom. Smith had in some unexplained fashion been rebuilt after Neo had explodified him, and he had been planning "Project Koala" ever since. Once he had learned of the phobia that "The One" had suffered since childhood the plan had taken shape. The insufferable Mr Anderson's file also revealed that he had an unexplained phobia of peanut butter, but the natural programmed ferocity of the koala made it a better subject.

The other Agents had not been impressed by their offices being filled with eucalyptus while the reprogramming of the koalas was taking place. Once they learned of the marsupials liking for human flesh the relationships improved, with the koalas being taken with the agents to "assist" during the interrogation of rebel suspects. Agent Brown in particular came to enjoy being with the koalas, hand feeding them the choicest bits of dead rebels. He admired their ferocity and was always pleased when they tried to take a bite out of his arm.

Once the koalas had been fully reprogrammed it was time to test them. Agent Smith directed Koala One, as he had imaginatively named him, to an area regularly patrolled by rebels seeking new recruits. After a few hours of lurking behind some dustbins Koala One spotted a rebel target. After requesting authorisation to attack, he began to stalk his prey. The rating is not high enough for me to completely describe his vicious attack, but he carried back to the Agents Bob's left ear and a kidney, which he was planning to eat later. Smith was pleased. His koalas were everything he had planned them to be. Now to go after bigger prey...Mr Anderson.