Staff Room Scheming


Rating: General

Disclaimer: I am JK! This is what I do instead of writing the damn books! Stop looking so sceptical. *Mutters* fine, therenotmine.


Exactly one week after the Weasley twins' departure, chaos reigned in Hogwarts. The corridors were more like an extension of Zonko's workshop than of a school.

Umbridge and Filch could be seen at frequent intervals, dashing through the school, trying desperately to keep semblance of order. And failing quite badly.

And there was a mysterious lack of any other authority figure.

In the staff-room shortly after lessons had ended, a very irate Umbridge gave her sickliest smile to the assembled faculty. Collectively blank faces gazed back. Unperturbed, she launched into her talk about disciplining these "nasty, unruly children after Dumbledore's obviously slack behaviour".

Around the room faces became ever more carefully blank and the knuckles around cups became noticeably whiter.

It was just as Umbridge reached the climax of her carefully planned speech that there was a loud, piercing shriek. Sybil Trelawney stared up at her, her huge eyes even wider than ever behind her glasses, wailed "the tea- leaves!" at the top of her voice, and sped from the room.

The room erupted in a babble of voices and movement.

Flitwick turned to Umbridge, his face anxious -

"We really should listen, Sybil is never wrong"

Murmurs of agreement came from around the room.

Umbridge had turned decidedly red, her beady eyes bulging and suspicious, flicking from Professor to Professor.

"Could I see that cup please?"

she asked, her voice dripping honey.

McGonagall looked up from the sink, looking not in the least dismayed and answered in a tone just as sweet

"Oh I am sorry headmistress, I just washed it out."

Thirty seconds later the staff-room was empty save for Umbridge and the echoes of the slammed door.

At the bottom of the stairs, Snape eyed McGonagall as she tried to hide her helpless giggles in her cloak. He smirked at her.

"I'm not sure what is more amusing: the idea that the daft old bat might make a correct prediction, or that everyone except Umbridge knows she was drinking coffee"

They headed off to their respective offices.


Professor Vector was on the way back to her rooms, when she heard a strange clatter and yowl from nearby. Turning to investigate she found a suit of armour. She lifted up the visor and peered inside. She met eye-to-eye with a hissing and spitting Mrs. Norris. With a smirk eerily reminiscent of Snape, she slammed the visor firmly shut and carried on down the hall, humming as she walked.


Back at the staff-room, Umbridge emerged and made her way down the stairs. In a dark corner, two voices muttered disillusionment charms.

Professor Sprout the appeared out of the shadows, clutching a small bag, and furtively opened the door. With surprising stealth she went across the room towards a pink, frilly tin. Umbridge's special tea. Unscrewing the lid, she dusted a fine, dark pollen from the small bag into the tealeaves.

She turned to leave and almost jumped out of her skin. Stood there, watching every movement, was Professor Binns. They surveyed each other for a brief moment.

"If it didn't happen 100 years ago, then I am uninterested"

he murmured. Then with the slightest of winks, he drifted over to his customary chair. Sprout smiled grimly and exited the room.


Madame Hooch came out of the shadows from her watch point. She fingered the empty bag curiously. Her eyes widened apprehensively as the remains of the powder covered her fingertips. Sprout smiled warmly.

"Don't worry dear, it has to be heated and ingested to produce the laxative effect".

They headed smugly down the stairs.


The point of Umbridge's 'pep talk' had been a veiled threat about the lack of teachers patrolling the school after lessons. So tonight they were out. These were seasoned teachers, experienced to the point of having that kind of sixth sense as to how to be in the right place at the right time.

Tonight they were practising something entirely different but not unrelated. The ability to be in the wrong place at the right time.

Unfortunately, with the volume of pranking happening at the moment, it was near impossible to miss all of it.

McGonagall happened to be walking past when Peeves was determinedly working at loosening a crystal chandelier. With a wicked gleam in her eyes, she muttered

"It unscrews the other way",

then tried desperately to keep a straight face as Potter, on his way past, stared at her in silent shock.


In the meantime, Umbridge was headed through the dungeons towards Snape's office. They were strangely tranquil and quiet compared to the rest of the school.

The pupils may have wanted to piss Umbridge off, but nobody was stupid enough to piss Snape off. A seventh year Gryffindor had made the mistake of using one of the infamous Skiving Snackboxes in a potions lesson to create a pouring nosebleed. Snape had thrown him a towel and told him it was lucky that this work could be done with one hand.

Umbridge rapped briskly on the door and let herself in. Snape looked up at her from his marking through curtains of black hair.

"Ah Severus. I was looking for a migraine potion but Poppy said she's all out, but that you were making some more?"

A murderous look flashed briefly across his face.

"Did she now."

She smiled simperingly at him as he ground his teeth silently.

"Of course.headmistress".

"Oh please, Dolores"

She answered coquettishly. Snape looked as though he might be sick.

He went swiftly into his personal potions lab and picked up a glass vial. With something close to a genuine smile, he filled it with tap water and the bitterest ingredient he had to hand. Ignoring the tray full of medical potions ready to be sent up, he returned to Umbridge, and curtly handed her the vial.

"Thank you Severus".

She walked away but paused at the door, and added softly

" I do hope you'll be out keeping order soon "

There was heavy emphasis on the final word. He gave her a pained smile.

"Of course".


In one of the main halls, someone had the original idea of setting off fireworks indoors. McGonagall arrived first, and was stood in the edge of the furthest doorway just out of sight.

She felt a presence behind her.

" Five galleons says Filch gets here first "

came Snape's voice. She smiled.

" You're on ".

But after a few moments she sighed dramatically.

" They would have been so much nicer in the dark ".

Snape gave her a wicked smile, pulled out his wand and muttered a spell. Abruptly the hall plunged into darkness, to the delight of the pranksters. Minute's later Filch's outraged yell could be heard.

" I believe that's now 20 galleons you owe me Minerva ".


At the end of a very long term, Albus Dumbledore studied his faculty. Minerva was still too pale. Sybil looked to be on the verge of permanent hysteria. And Severus looked worse than both of them thanks to a late night summoning.

With a hint of sadness, he asked them

" Apart from the obvious, I trust things were not too bad for you in my absence? "

To his surprise, there were a number of knowing exchanged glances, and an awful lot of smug smiles.

" Oh ",

said Minerva.

" I think we did alright ".


Love, peace and reviews man. Feel the reviewness. It's only a click away.