Weird Sano introspection written at 2:30 AM, keeping
me from sleep. Yes, I know it has been done before,
but I was forced, I swear!

If there are any errors, or confusion, feel free to
let me know so I can try to fix them. It has been a
while since I've watched the series. I was just
reminded suddenly of some of the *looks* and chemistry
that passed between the pair, especially in season 1
(though I didn't mind the SxS vibes in season 2), that
K and K just didn't have to me. So, here you are. I'm
not the only one who's bitter.


Disclaimer: I don't own them. But I want to. Does that
count for anything?

Warnings: shounen ai, angst

Rating: PG

Summary: Sano mourns the loss of something he never
had. SanoKen


By Carole

He's not mine, never has been.

When we almost touched, when he looked in my eyes and
stared right through and into me, I could delude
myself. I could have hope. And I did, for longer than
I should have. It was doomed from the beginning.
Saitou is right. I am a weakness and I am weak. I am
not strong enough to cut ties and emotions that
shackle me. I'm not sure I want to even as I hate
myself for it.

I met him as an enemy. In turn, he saved me and I was

Have you heard tales that some souls are split apart
before birth and those fortunate and blessed find the
missing part in someone else? I had never believed
such women's stories until I lay in the dust at his
feet and I knew that they were all true. I had found
something I hadn't even realized I was missing, which
sounds stupid when I even think it, but it was true
none the less.

At first it seemed the same for him. We had an
intensity, an understanding, that he shared with no
one else. It was a bond strong enough to keep us
together through trial after trial.

But it wasn't. We were together, and yet we weren't.
Whatever part of himself he had found in me was not
what I had found in him. The promises that had
remained unsaid stayed that way. I brushed that
crimson waterfall from his eyes and he turned away.

He didn't even say goodbye. Not to me, anyway. I could
not accept that, not after everything we almost were.

So I followed him, as I still do even when he doesn't
realize he needs me. I followed him, and I dragged his
ragged near-corpse back from Shishio's hell when it
was finished and I did not show what should not be
seen. I brought him back, to everyone who cared for
him, to her. Even as I joked about the pair, even as I
pushed them together, it burned me inside all the

I wished it were me.

Then, he turned to her. It was something I could not
change. He cared for me, but he loved her.

That's what hurts most. I accepted him, as he was,
even the golden-eyed killer that lurked under the
surface. I loved him for and in spite of it. She never
could accept that Kenshin. He had to always be the
peaceful wanderer that she wanted and loved. He was,
for her. She made him change from what he was into
what she wanted.

And he let her, no matter what it cost either of us.

So, here I am, as he smiles at me and I return it with
a grin though inside I'm brittle. I clap him on the
back, making him stumble and his eyes squint as he
regains his balance with that silly smile plastered on
his face.

"Sano," his tone more playful than annoyed,
"Karou-dono will be angry if I drop the tofu for
dinner, that she will."

"Can't have the Missy do that. We need you alive to
get a decent meal." He shakes his head and laughs at
my poor attempt at humor that I don't even feel.

I turn my head away, eyes gazing as the wind rips
leaves from branches to fall as green raindrops onto
the grass. It pushes moisture across my cheek and I
blink, denying the existence of tears as they dry into
streams of mere saltiness on skin. Is it right to cry
over the loss of something you never had?