HOW NOT TO WRITE EVANGELION FANFICS

A Primer of Sorts

By Ben "The Mad Irishman" Donnelly



AUTHOR'S CYA DISCLAIMER AND NOTES: This is a work of parody. Personally, you can write really good fanfics by ignoring any or all of these rules if you do it right. Or you just don't give a damn. It's meant to make you laugh. Hey, on a day like this, we all need a little humor. So don't think I'm making fun of anyone in particular, unless maybe it's myself.

And I haven't given up on "The Evangelion Matrix." I'm just snowed under with work these days and needed to take a break. Plus I'm trying to find ways to make the upcoming Shinji vs. Serena confrontation inutterably silly.

And naturally, Evangelion belongs to Gainax, Hideaki Anno, and everyone else involved in the project. In other words, the people of Japan. And thanks to Nat Gertler's "How Not to Write Elfquest" and whoever made "Shinji vs. The Black Knight" AMV for some ideas and downright hilarity.

So let's go go go!


1) MAKE CHARACTERS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.


Things looked really bad for NERV this time. Zeruel had just blasted his way past eighteen layers of earth, concrete, and reinforced steel into the heart of the Geofront. Misato had deployed Asuka in EVA-02 to confront the Angel head on, despite Asuka's misgivings that she was not good enough. Zeruel had torn the Eva apart and was now digging his way towards the central control area. Misato knew there was only one chance to stop Zeruel before he got any closer.

Rei Ayanami.

"EVA-00, go!" Misato shouted into the microphone, ignoring the pain of her recent injuries.

"No!" Rei shouted back. "I don't wanna! You can't make me!" On the screen, Rei stuck out her tongue and simutaneously gave Misato the finger.

"Dammit, Rei!" Misato screamed. "Zeruel will be through in any second! Asuka's down, and Shinji's missing! You're the only chance we've got!"

Rei pointed at the device held in EVA-00's good arm. The Eva aped her motion. "Do you know what this is, baka? This is an N2 mine! It's a nuclear freaking bomb! And you expect me to run out there and hold it up to the Angel's AT field and detonate it! Screw you, Misato! You don't pay me enough to do this!"

"But we don't pay you," Ritsuko said from behind Misato. She was filing her nails, ignoring what was going on before her. As she had said earlier, if she was going to die, she didn't have to see it coming.

"I know!" Rei answered indignantly. "And you won't if I get killed either! I'm outta here!" With that, Rei hit the chicken switch and ejected her own entry plug.

Akagi was stung into action. She leapt to her jackbooted feet and pointed at Maya Ibuki. "Maya, flood sections 459-G and 318-A. That should slow down Zeruel long enough to–hey, where are you going?"

Maya had her laptop in hand and was running out the door. "The hell with you, sempai! I don't get paid enough to do this either!"


Above the control center, Fuyutsuki cradled his head in his hands. "It's over, Gendo. We've lost. Rei was our last hope."

"No way, dude," Gendo answered calmly, taking off his glasses and sticking his hands in his pockets. "There is, like, another."

The door swooshed open to Central Dogma just before Maya reached it. The crew turned around as one and gasped. Maya, seeing who it was, swooned and collapsed in a hormone-induced faint.

The figure that stood there was not particularly tall, but the force of his character made up for mere height. He wore all black, from polished boots to a button-up collar. With a flourish, he took off his mirrored sunglasses and folded them in a pocket, stepping into the control center.

"Shinji Ikari!" Misato breathed. "We thought you were dead!"

"Only the good die young," Shinji grinned, winking. "Now we're going to get this organized right now. Makato, flood those sections Dr. Akagi ordered. Shigeru, get an analysis of that data. We don't have much time." He turned to Misato. "Major, is EVA-01 prepped for launch?"

"You bet," Misato grinned. "She's ready for you anytime, Shinji-sama."

Shinji took off his jacket and tore off his pants. Dr. Akagi fainted and was caught by Misato. Beneath his clothes, Shinji wore his all-black plugsuit. "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick Angel ass." His gaze was steel as he looked at the Angel in the monitors. "And I'm all out of bubblegum."


"Dude!" Fuyutsuki exclaimed, punching a fist in the air.

"Dude," Gendo nodded.


2) RIP OFF POPULAR MOVIES.

Actually, I already did this like five freakin' times. Sad, really. And no, "Eva Matrix" doesn't count!Author


Asuka carefully braced herself against the walls of the volcano. The D-type equipment made the task that much more difficult, and the LCL did nothing to keep Asuka from sweating. She ignored the clammy feeling as she carefully reached for the embryonic Sandalphon. One mistake, she knew, would cause herself to slip and fall into the seething magma chamber below, where even the D-type equipment would not save her.

Asuka licked her lips and reached forward slowly. Seconds seemed like hours as she continually checked EVA-02's placement, but the rock outcroppings held. She took a breath and held it, then reached out and grabbed Sandalphon in one swift move, tearing it free from the magma chamber. She braced herself for something, anything, to happen, but nothing did. She let out the breath and grinned. Asuka the Great had struck again.

Then the chamber began to shake. Rocks began to fall from the ceiling, and liquid magma bubbled up from below, searing even the thick ceramic plating of the D-type armor. Asuka cradled Sandalphon beneath one arm and clambered out of the chamber as fast as she could move. Rocks exploded from the walls and rattled off her armor, one fragment the size of Misato's car narrowly missing her head. She crawled from the chamber into a lava tube; now on more or less level ground, she ran for all she was worth. Once the ground gave way and she fell, but a quick move with the grappling hooks built into the D-type's arms saved her. She swung across the chasm and made it to the main antechamber of the volcano just as the ceiling caved in. She had made it. Asuka was safe.

Then she heard the rumbling. Asuka looked up. "Oh, schiesse," she groaned, and began running again.

A gigantic pyroclastic boulder was rolling down the tube towards her, smashing its way through huge stone outcroppings like they were paper mache. Asuka held out one of EVA-02's arms in front of her, bulling her way through thin lava flows. The boulder nipped at the Eva's heels, but with a final leap, Asuka flung herself out of the volcano and out of the way of the boulder.

She held on for dear life as the Eva rolled down the slope of the volcano, but the LCL in her entry plug and the thick D-type armor saved her from anything more than a few bruises. Finally, the wild ride stopped, and with a sigh of relief, she disengaged the D-type armor. It fell away from her Eva, like a butterfly coming out of its chrysalis. She was free, and Sandalphon was safe. Now she really had something to show off to that baka Shinji.

Asuka turned around and saw to her horror that what she had thought was the NERV welcoming party was anything but. Instead, it was nine white Evas, cruel, grinning parodies of her own machine, each with a long spear pointed directly at her head. Floating in front of them was Kaworu Nagisa. He smiled and shook his head.

"Once again, Asuka Langely Soryu, there is nothing you have that I cannot take away..."

Been waiting ten years to use that line–Author


3) BAD FORESHADOWING.


"Shinji-kun?"

Shinji turned around from his lunch of ramen and Spam and saw that it was Rei Ayanami who spoke. Her reddish eyes seemed to bore right through him, laying bare his soul. "Y-yes, Rei-san?"

Rei sat down on the bench across from him and looked down, looking very confused. "Shinji-kun, I had a very strange dream last night. I was wondering if you might help me explain it."

"Uh, sure..." Shinji picked up his ramen to give his hands something to do besides sweat.

Rei was silent for a moment. "It really was quite strange. I was naked."

Shinji crushed the ramen, sending bits of noodles and broth all over his hands and pants. "Er..."

Rei seemed not to notice. "I was naked, but that was not the strange part."

"It–it wasn't?" Shinji stammered.

"No. I was also 80 miles tall and was holding this red, glowing sphere. I had wings as well. Then you were there..."

"I-I was?"

"Yes, you were in your Eva. There was something about saving the world, and then you burst out of my eyeball, and I fell apart into many pieces."

Shinji passed out.


4) KILL OFF MAJOR CHARACTERS IN DUMB WAYS.

Especially if the intent is merely to clear the board for Self-Insertion characters.–Author


Kaji Ryoji stood at the stern of the aircraft carrier UNS Ronald Reagan ["Over the Rainbow" was the worst ship name EVER.–Author.] and watched as the propellors frothed the ocean far below. He was heading back to Japan, but was not sure he wanted to. He knew what cargo the Reagan carried, and it was far more important than EVA-02, which it was supposedly there to escort. The cargo Kaji carried was far more dangerous.

"Kaji!"

Kaji turned and saw Asuka Langely Soryu running towards him, her yellow sundress billowing up in the wind. It was erotic in a way, but the fact that Asuka was some years his junior made Kaji feel nothing more than amusement. Asuka clearly had a crush on him, and her hormones were probably driving her to do rather silly things. Still, it reminded him of his own ardent youth, and a certain crazy-driving brunette that awaited him, for good or bad, in Japan. Still, Kaji was happy to flirt with Asuka, because it made her happy.

"How are ya, kid–"

Asuka was about to reply when she abruptly tripped over a tie-down cable for one of the Reagan's Su-33 fighters. Her arms waved comically as she stumbled past Kaji. He tried to catch her, but it was too late: Asuka fell off the stern of the carrier and disappeared into the ocean below, to be chopped into sushi by the carrier's enormous propellors.

"Oh, no!" Kaji cried. "Now what will we do? We have no pilot for EVA-02! Woe is NERV! What will we do?!"


Far away, in America, a young girl with glasses, a tattoo between her eyes, and a curious cant to her ears sneezed.


5) DO REALLY BAD AND/OR INAPPROPRIATE CROSSOVERS.


Things looked really bad for NERV this time. Zeruel had just blasted his way past eighteen layers of earth, concrete, and reinforced steel into the heart of the Geofront. Misato had deployed Asuka in EVA-02 to confront the Angel head on. Asuka, despite her best efforts and plenty of firepower, had failed and nearly been killed. So had Rei, carrying a N2 mine in a kamikaze run. Zeruel was now digging his way towards the central control area. Misato knew there was only one chance to stop Zeruel before he got any closer.

Goku.

Zeruel pulled up short at the sight of the glowing figure before him. Had the Angel's thought patterns been understandable by humankind, the Angel would be thinking that something was not quite right. The man was not particularly tall, with ridiculously spiked hair and an orange gi-like uniform. Then his hair turned yellow, and Zeruel knew something was definitely not right.

"KA-ME-AH-ME-AHHHHAAAA!!!" Goku screamed, invoking the name of an ancient Hawaiian king for some unknown reason and driving the author insane with how to spell it. In any case, a white-hot blast of pure energy grew up around Goku and shot forth to impact on Zeruel's AT field, tearing a giant rent in the soil of the Geofront and melting Kaji's melons. The AT field shimmered for a moment as it tried to hold back the blast, then shattered like glass. The Kamehameha bolt tore through Zeruel, which let out an unearthly scream as it disintegrated.

Gradually, the glow faded, leaving Goku standing there, breathing slightly heavier than if he had just come off a jog. "Man, this job is easy!" he said. "Okay, Misato-san, whatcha got to eat?"

Well, it was either that or La Blue Girl versus the Tentacleophon.–Author.


6) TELL BAD JOKES.


Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko walked into Gendo's office. It was quiet except for the hum of Gendo's computer and Central Dogma's air conditioning. Gendo was in his customary position, hands folded in front of him. They stopped in front of his desk, a respectful distance away. "You sent for us?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"I did." Gendo looked at them over the tops of his gloved hands. "Knock knock."

Fuyutsuki blinked, but Ritsuko only shrugged. "Who's there?"

"What?"

"What?!" Fuyutsuki exclaimed, mystified.

"What, who?" Ritsuko sighed.

"What, me worry?" Gendo replied.

There was silence for a few moments. Then Gendo slowly reached into his desk and withdrew the Beretta pistol he kept there, pointing it at them. "Laugh, dammit."


7) ACTUALLY MAKE KENSUKE AIDA AN EVA PILOT.


Things looked really bad for NERV this time. Zeruel had just blasted his way past eighteen layers of earth, concrete, and reinforced steel into the heart of the Geofront. Misato had deployed Asuka in EVA-02 to confront the Angel head on. Asuka, despite her best efforts and plenty of firepower, had failed and nearly been killed. So had Rei, carrying a N2 mine in a kamikaze run. Zeruel was now digging his way towards the central control area. Misato knew there was only one chance to stop Zeruel before he got any closer.

"Manohmanohmanohman!" Kensuke Aida's voice blasted through the speakers. Misato rubbed her ears painfully. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"All right," Misato said when she got a word in, "Ritsuko will help you into the entry plug. The armor between Central Dogma and Zeruel will keep him busy for awhile, but not long, so you need to hurry, 'kay?"

"YoubetMisatoI'llbethebestEvapiloteverevenbetterthanShinjiandI'lldoreallywellyoucancountonmeisn'tthiskewl–"

A single gunshot rang out in the launch bay. Kensuke's lifeless body fell backwards off the catwalk and disappeared into the LCL pool below. Ritsuko lowered the revolver and shrugged. "Had to be done."


8) DO EVANGELION HISTORICAL FICTION.


Sir Shinji of Ikari rode through the forest. He was tired, hungry, and desperately needed a rest. His diamond-impregnated steel armor was rusty and in need of repair. Still, Shinji fought on. He had his quest. There was no choice; even if there was, Shinji would have still had made it. For he was a knight of the Table Round, and the Holy Grail was the only chance Camelot had of holding back the darkness that surrounded it. And of course, there was the chaste and beautiful Lady Rei of Ayanami to consider. He touched the scarf of hers that he still carried, threadbare though it was.

He reached a clearing and saw a cairn of stones. It took him a moment to realize what it was, through the fog of his fatigue. "That's–that's it!" he exclaimed. "The cairn of Saint Nerv! I must be close!"

"And so you are, Sir Knight," said a voice. Shinji looked up and saw another knight enter the clearing from the opposite direction. This knight was armored similar to his own, but the armor was shining, brand-new, and blood-red.

"The Red Knight," Shinji breathed. He had heard legends of the unstoppable Red Knight of Germany, the infamous Bloody Lady Asuka von Langely und Soryu. He also knew that the Grail lay beyond the cairn of Saint Nerv. He had to get past, whatever the cost.

"I command you, as a representative of the King of Britons, to stand aside!" Shinji shouted, leveling the Eva Lance he carried.

"I move..." the voice began, then he heard the Red Knight cackle, "for no man."

"So be it!" Shinji shouted, and rode forward into the attack.


I take it back–this does work.–Author.


9) INTRODUCE CURRENT POLITICAL TOPICS INTO EVANGELION.


Gendo Ikari leaned back in his chair, steepling his hands before him. The Dead Sea Scrolls clearly spoke of the Angel that would come next. He would admit it to no one, but it worried him. Zeruel was the strongest of the Angels, the deadliest when it came to fighting. The Evangelion project was exhausted and crippled. Asuka was apparently in some sort of downward spiral, her synchronization rates falling steadily since her arrival, and it was having a psychological effect on her. Rei was wounded again, and her growing emotional ability, while a success for her part in Instrumentality, was also proving an unforeseen weakness. And Shinji...Gendo shook his head. Shinji still suffered from a confidence problem. Worse, Gendo admitted, he himself was part of that problem.

There was a knock on the door. "Enter," Gendo said absently.

Two men walked in, wearing business suits and sunglasses. Gendo did not know them and he speared them with the classic Ikari Stare, reflecting the light from his glasses. "May I help you gentlemen?" he said icily.

The man in front looked back to his partner, then to Gendo. "Gendo Ikari?" he asked.

"Yes," Gendo snapped.

"I'm Agent Smith," the man said in a tone that would freeze lava. "This is Agent Jones. We're from the Federal Bureau of Investigation."

"The FBI?" Gendo asked, puzzled.

"Yes. We recently accessed your library records, and to be honest, sir, we found them quite interesting." He took out a list. "'Armageddon and You,' 'How to Clone Your Wife,' 'Bad Guys and the Women Who Love Them,' 'Jihad for Dummies,' 'Understanding Evangelion', 'Otaku and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction'...sir, this is very disturbing to say the least, to both us and the Attorney General." Agent Smith shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Ikari, but you'll have to come with us. Under Section 321-Contact of the Patriot-3 Act, you are suspected of engaging in terrorist like activities."

"But this is Japan!" Gendo protested, though he was engaging in terrorist like activities, truth be told. "And this is NERV!"

"True," Agent Smith replied, "but then this parody won't work if we took silly things like that into account." Smith looked at the subpoena in his hands. "However, we are willing to clear all these charges if you work with us on a certain project."

Gendo leaned over his desk, pushing up his glasses. "And that would be?"

"Yes, we require these 'Evas' of yours to take care of a certain Mr. Jong-il in North Korea..."



10) THE UNSPEAKABLE REASON.


It was another day of death and destruction in Tokyo-3. The Evas had been deployed to stop the latest Angel threat, which was coming at them from space this time. How they were expected to fight something they could not even see, let alone touch, was beyond Misato, but the higher aspects of mission planning was not her job. Ritsuko and Gendo were being remarkably close-mouthed about this Angel, even more than usual.

Without warning, something in Tokyo-3 exploded. A jet of orange flame shot forth and briefly formed a cross before it dissipated, but not before it knocked over the Evas, flattened a good part of the central district, and even shook Central Dogma, far below it.

"What happen?!" Ritsuko exclaimed.

"Someone set up us the bomb!" Maya Ibuki cried.

"We get signal!" Shigeru shouted.

"What?!" Ritsuko yelled.

"Main screen turn on," Misato ordered.

A purple-clad, hideous figure appeared on the screen. It was huge, twice the size of an Eva. "It's you!" Ritsuko screamed.

"How are you gentlemen?" Catsuruel grinned. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

Misato slammed a fist on the console, her other hand over her eyes. "What you say?!"

"You have no chance to survive. Make your time." Catsuruel faded from sight, laughing. "HAHAHAHA..."

"Take off every Eva," Gendo Ikari snapped out, from his post above them.

"You know what you doing," Misato nodded.

"Move Eva!" Ritsuko ordered.

"For great justice!" the three Eva pilots shouted in unison.


I really, really apologize for that last one.–Author.