Meine Famile Ist Kein Mehr.
Kurt hates me.
I mean, that's to be expected, but he truly hates me. How could he not?
I didn't know he was capable of such a raw emotion. I thought only I was… well, me and that broken statue washing out into the bay.
I can't tell if I regret it or not. It felt so incredibly… dammit, I can't think of the word I want to use… possibly right? I don't know if I want to regret it. Hell, who would want to regret such a thing?
But I broke Kurt's heart.
Is that why it feels so wrong now though?
I think over those last two sentences and bark out a bitter laugh because I sound so heartless. I broke Kurt's heart… that was wrong. It was justice what I did though. I took away the pain in our lives. The symbol of all the hurt and confusion we've felt separately and oddly enough, together, is gone.
Then I say to myself again, why does it feel so wrong?
When Agatha told me I was the only one that can save her, I wish I could've ignored Kurt's eyes. They pleaded with me, told me to save his mother… our mother. Shit, she's not my mother. Just because some piece of paper that claimed I was hers doesn't mean shit.
For a split second though, I thought I was going to free her. My hand fluttered over the Velcro closure of my right glove, like I was actually going to do it. To prove that I wasn't like her. To prove that she hadn't gotten to me.
I did ignore his eyes though. I blocked them out. She had gotten to me. I am like her. I'm not even related to her by blood, and I'm fucking like her.
Maybe that's why I regret it now. Because Kurt was right.
And now I've broken his heart.
I could hear his sobs as I walked away from the gazebo. I was all the way to the mansion and they were still echoing in my mind… in my heart. I kept replaying the sounds of Mystique shattering against the jagged rocks below the cliff, and the image of Kurt diving off the gazebo as I've seen him dive into the pool. It's funny how things can actually go in slow motion. I used to think it was just some dramatic effect used for movies, but… it actually happens. Everything happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
I couldn't go back to my room. Sure, I could've gone back and acted like nothing happened to Kitty. But she can usually see right through me when it comes to things such as this. I'm sure Kurt hadn't told her a thing about the meeting with Agatha Harkness. He probably hadn't told a soul. He was so concerned about making sure Mystique would be freed, he probably didn't even mention it to Xavier out of fear he would discourage it. As much as he was determined to change her back, he could still be swayed by Xavier's opinion.
When I got back to the mansion, I couldn't make it further than the pool. I kept seeing Kurt dive… like nothing else mattered but saving that monster. He wanted so much for a family to call his own, even if it was with his neglectful mother and his sullen and dark adoptive sister. Of course, I had to play the stubborn bitch that wanted nothing to do with that woman, regardless of how I was tearing him apart.
Like I am now.
Somehow I'm not crying. It's almost surreal to me. Half of me wants to wake up, but the other rational side of me knows that I'm going to have to take responsibility for this.
Should I go back and help Kurt find the pieces? Is that what he's still doing? Or has he given up and gone back to his room with the discreetness of his powers?
No. He wouldn't have given up. He has a heart, unlike me. It was torn from me the moment I found out Risty wasn't real. When I gained Mystique's memories instead of my supposed best friend's that horrible night.
I was crazy to believe I was getting better. Before I knew it, I was in Logan's arms in freakin' Tibet. Tibet. I can see if I had been sleep walking and ended up in the Danger Room or something, but that's across the fucking world. And she took me there. I don't know how she weaseled me into it, but none of it matters.
I can't let it matter now. I couldn't let her have the chance of redemption. Maybe that's what did it. The fact that she would either come out of that state and want to try and make amends… or she would she have been just the same?
I think Kurt believed she would do the former. I'm not sure what she would've done. But it doesn't matter.
Not now. Not anymore.
Before she could think anymore harsh thoughts, Rogue stood up. She briefly dusted off her pants and started heading towards the gazebo once again. It was almost as if her hatred and anger towards Mystique had left her for a moment to help her get up and go find Kurt. It was gone for a moment, then two, and soon she'd broken out into a sprint, hoping to find him there.
She saw the gazebo come out of its hiding place behind the thick guard of fog. She ignored the pounding in her head from her heightened blood pressure. She couldn't feel the slight pain in her lungs from breathing so hard. It wasn't as if she was breathing hard from running so fast, though.
She noticed Agatha had left, probably as mysteriously as she had appeared. Rogue tiptoed to the edge of the broken rail, trying to pull herself away, telling herself she didn't need to look.
But she did.
"Wow," she breathed. It was quite a way down. It was also dark. There was no way she could see Kurt without going down there with a flashlight to investigate with.
With only a moment's hesitation, she decided it would take too long to go back to the mansion and find a flashlight. And she knew if she went back, she would forget about going back to the cliff.
She crouched down and readied herself to begin descending the mountain. Then she froze. What the hell am Ah doin'? She blinked once, then twice before crawling away from the cliff.
"Ah'm the last person he'd want to see raht now… why should Ah search foh him?" she muttered hoarsely to no one but herself.
I can hear her mutter to herself from my spot on top the gazebo. Conveniently, I've just teleported up there, clutching what I think was my mother's hand. It's hard to say with all the damage from the fall. I can really only tell from the vague moonlight that manages to reach through the fog that it's a finger. I guess she doesn't know that I'm up here, and that is for the best.
I wish I could go down there and give her a piece of my mind. But it's a matter of what piece. Should I yell and scream at her for doing this, for killing our mother? Or should I go down there, and see if she is mourning?
My compassion for Rogue is at an all time low, but I can't help but feel some sort of connection to her in the midst of all of this. I mean… she must have come back here for a reason. And I'm sure it wasn't to gloat. Rogue wouldn't do that. … would she?
No. She wouldn't. I won't allow myself to think that she would.
I don't know why she's come back. I've gone and confused myself.
Morbid fascination is taking over. I want to see the look on her face if I were to pop in front of her. If she would call me annoying like she and everyone else does.
I don't want to toy with her like that. I'm usually a fun-loving guy, but not right now. Not when I'm physically holding my mother's broken finger in my hand. Thinking that seems so disgusting, as if it were leaking blood onto my fur and reeking of death. It's just a piece of stone though. Broken stone.
It's so much more though. I feel like this is the closest I've been with my mother in so long. And yet now I couldn't feel more apart from her. And that's saying a lot since Mystique was never there at all.
Despite everything she's done though… I wanted to give her another chance. I mean, she's my mother! I can't spend the rest of my life wondering when she would come around. I was so sure if I showed her the compassion I felt for her, that maybe she would change. Maybe that was why the statue cried. Condensation, my ass. I'm sorry, Mr. McCoy, I know what I saw.
Rogue hasn't moved. Is she still waiting for me? I lay my ear against the surface of the gazebo in hopes of hearing more of her mutterings, but there are none.
"Dammit," I hear finally. She sniffles loudly. She had been silently crying. So she does have a heart.
What am I thinking? Sure, it was a selfish act on Rogue's part to destroy our mother, but of course she'd still have feelings. Part of me wants to go down there and hug her… to show that she's still a person, she is still alive after this whole ordeal. I think that is what's so wrong with her mind right now. She feels so violated… like all her rights as a human being… or mutant, have been ripped from her. Though there she is, still experiencing emotions as a normal person would.
I can't see her now though. I'm torn between my love her as my sister and then what I want to call unconditional love for a woman who never cared to even send an anonymous birthday card in all my years of existence. I so very much want to loathe Mystique. I just want to scream at her for everything she's ever done for the two of us, but then… I doubt I'd be able to raise my voice to her now.
I just don't know anymore. This night will be something that will haunt my thoughts for awhile. How could it not? I'm thinking of just leaving her here and teleporting back to the institute, but what would sleep accomplish? It's not as if I really want to see anyone right now, though it's not as if they have the slightest clue what I've done. Maybe I could play it off… Rogue wouldn't tell a soul either. She's not really speaking to anyone yet.
He clutched the stone in his blue hand, whispering a gentle good-bye to Rogue. Then he was gone.
Below, she heard the all too familiar sound. Her head snapped up at the sound, waiting for the odor of brimstone and sulfur to come waft through the air around her. "Kurt?" she whispered, though she knew he was gone. Sighing, she stood up, rubbing her arms for warmth. Normally an environment such as the gazebo on a foggy night would've been comforting to her, but the thought of Mystique just over the cliff was too much to bear.
She began a steady sprint back to the mansion. She took longer this time than she had getting there, but soon enough she made it to the institute. She glanced up in the direction Kurt's room, wondering if he'd gone up there. There were no lights on his room though, so she continued her way into the institute and jogged upstairs. Luckily, she ran into no one. She had caught sight of the grandfather clock in the hallway and noticed it wasn't as late as she thought it had been. The others would still be up, possibly in the rec room watching a movie, grabbing a bite to eat from the kitchen, or maybe just doing things in their respective rooms.
She began whispering "please don't let Kitty be in the room, please don't let Kitty be in the room," over and over again, the words easily fitting into a simple chant. Once she was in front of her room, she noted there was no light spilling from underneath. Hoping that was a good sign, she slowly turned the doorknob and peeked in. Kitty's bed was in plain sight from the view of the door, and Rogue did not see the girl there, so she cautiously slipped in and gently shut the door.
She yawned, realizing how tired she actually was. However, with the deep intake of breath, she was smacked in the face with the familiar odor of her brother. She looked around, noticing the smoke of his departure was still dissipating. Curiously, she stepped over to her bed where the cloud was most concentrated. On her pillow lay a sheet of loose-leaf paper, haphazardly ripped out of a notebook. It was folded over unevenly, so Rogue could see he had left her this on impulse.
Her hand hovered over the paper for a moment, before she delicately lifted it off her pillow and unfolded it. Kurt's handwriting had always amazed her. It was neater than most of the guys' at the institute, save for Scott, and that was saying a lot considering he only had three fingers to work with.
This time, though, it was scrawled in a messy fashion, obviously written in the moments before she'd made it into the room. She stared at it blankly, realizing it was written in German.
"Ya know this," she told herself. Kurt would sometimes walk around the house, muttering in German when he could. Rogue always thought it was slightly annoying she couldn't understand what he was saying, so he would teach her a few of the key words and phrases. There was only one sentence on the paper, and Rogue was sure she could figure it out.
The first words were obvious: Meine Familie. As was the verb: ist. It was the last two words that Rogue stumbled on. She jogged her memory over and over, churning for the correct translation.
Then it clicked.
Rogue dropped the paper as her hands covered her mouth. She hadn't expected to react in such a way with five simple words, but she did. The paper fluttered gently to her bed, without a care in the world. Rogue, on the other hand, collapsed to the floor, pulling a few of her blankets with her.
It was true. She'd broken his heart. She destroyed the one thing he wanted – needed - most in this world out of the selfishness of her own heart. She was almost ready to stomp out of there and curse Kurt out for being so cruel, but she deserved it. And she didn't know what to do.
It wasn't as if she hadn't felt lost before. Mystique, Apocalypse, that was nothing.
She'd lost her brother. The one person that could've brought her back to sanity if she'd allowed it.
But no, she hadn't. She pushed him away like she'd done everyone and everything else.
She suddenly felt so alone. Even when Kitty had come running into the room because of Rogue's loud sobbing, she was still alone. She didn't feel the brunette rubbing her shoulder or hear her asking what was wrong. She just cried. Cried for everything, but mainly for what she had done. Slow motion again. Blurring. Tears.
She regretted it.
She despised herself.
And there was no one to blame this time but herself.
Kitty stopped trying to talk to Rogue and surveyed her surroundings. What could've made Rogue so upset. She rushed a glance over the bed, and almost missed the slightly crinkled piece of paper.
She picked it up, quickly scanning over the foreign words. Even if she could've understood the words, they would've made no difference to her, nor anyone in the institute without proper explanation. Kitty spared a glance back at Rogue and could tell the Goth was not going to talk any time soon. She thought of seeking out Kurt, but if Rogue was this emotional, there was no telling what Kurt would act like.
Instead, she looked at the words again, trying to make sense of them. However, they did not click as instantly for her as they had for Rogue.
Meine Familie ist kein mehr.
"My family is no more."
Okay, I was/am blocking tremendously on my other stories, so this came out of nowhere. This is a simple one-shot to get me back into the scheme of writing, so please do not ask for a sequel. I appreciate any comments you may have, so please review. Just so you know, this does not happen in my Evolution timeline with Remy (just to clear up any confusion that may occur).
Thank you to Lilith for pumping me up and getting me to finish this. And thank you to anyone who reviews. I promise that now this is out of my head, I will continue Street Livin' and the new Evo story. :o)