Welcome to the Hellmouth (The Cordelia Version)

Disclaimer: Not Mine, what more can I say – although the 'Cordelia thinking' below is all mine…

Summary: This is my take on what was going through Cordelia's Mind during season one and all the wackiness that it was.

A/N: Reviews are muchly appreciated…tell me what you think….what I could do to improve…


Today's the first day of my sophomore year of high school, and the way I present myself today is how I will be known for the rest of the year. Therefore, the outfit I choose is of utmost importance - not just the cut and fabric, but the mixtures of colors and materials. Contrary to what many 'I have no fashion sense' people may think, dressing is an art form and no one does it better than Cordelia Chase. They should so offer it as a major in college, that way I would most definitely graduate with honors and many people out there would so benefit from my lessons in fashion, see how I'm always thinking about other people?

I can hear daddy from my bedroom yelling about some guy suing him for smashing his kadonk of a car. Seriously what does the guy expect driving around in something anyone else in their right mind wouldn't even accept for scrap? But back to important things, daddy thinks he's having a rough time, hello? I've finally narrowed it down to two shades of lipstick, my decision will live with me for the rest of the year and daddy's yelling about a law suit...unbelievable!


So I'm sitting in my first class of the day and beside me sits the new girl, I already know that she's from LA which is a bonus for her - it ups her status. I surreptitiously suss her out, not in a gay way eew!

That's when I notice she doesn't have the text so I lean over and share my book with her.


This is my first official good dead of the day. So anyway, I continue with the inspection and decide that she's got possibilities, with my guidance and influence she can definitely go somewhere in this school, wow am I already planning my second good dead for the day? I have so grown as a person!

So the bell finally rings, cutting off Mrs. Borings monologue about a plague in some century that no one cares about. We get up and I introduce myself.

"I'm Cordelia"

"I'm Buffy"

Okay so weird name, but I can get past that seeing as how I've grown and all.

"If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library"

"Oh, great, thanks. Where would that be?"

"I'll show you, come on. So you're from Hemery, right? In L.A.?

We're walking down the corridor and I'm focusing on her needs, that being texts for class and status in the school.

"Uh, yeah."

Okay, so she's not great with the talking…which I'm okay with – gives me more time to speak my mind, which obviously is more interesting to anyone listening. I do what I can to save people from the boredom of this town.

"Oh, I would kill to live in L.A. That close to so many shoes?" Buffy laughs as I take a moment to imagine the world I've just created in my head of streets filled with shoe stores.

I decide that the new girl has some potential, she obviously appreciates my wittiness and conversational skills which is a plus for her, so I take a leap of faith in her potential and offer her the world.

"Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A. so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish…?"

"Um, over?"

"So over. James Spader?"

"He needs to call me!"


"Trendy, but tasty."

"John Tesh?"

"The Devil!"

"That was pretty much a gimme, but…you passed!"

"Oh, goody!"

Look at her, she can barely disguise her gratitude, after all, how often is the world of popularity just landed into your lap. Never, unless you're lucky enough to be discovered by me that is.

We reach the water fountain and who do we run into…a looser that's who. I swear, I'm tested at every opportunity!

Anyhow…I've decided to turn over a new leaf and be nice to these people...or at least civil. Can they help it if their parents have no money or status - though I don't believe they should rub their misfortune in my face, I can at least be civil. So when Willow blocks my way in that hideous creation I have to bite my tongue not to say something I really mean, instead..."Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.", that was me being nice and witty all rolled into one - I'm a true artist, obviously my wit goes over the nerds head 'cos she looks at me all confused and tells me her mother bought it for her.

Who offers that kind of information out willing? The geek is signing her own looser death warrant. I've finally lost all reasoning and can no longer be civil, so I do the next best thing and practically tell her to leave. This way we're both safe.

"No wonder you're such a guy magnet. Are you done?"

I'm amazing myself at how I'm always thinking of others. Speaking of, Buffy needs to learn the social graces of this school, the first being 'know your losers' plus I doubt whether she has what it takes to be civil to these people, she would probably botch it up, so it's best if she recognizes them in order to avoid them, in the meantime I'll begin lessons on the correct diplomatic way to handling oneself around nerds.

"You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all be sight, they're a lot easier to avoid."

Buffy laughs appreciatively at my advice before we continue to the library, so I decide to reward her…"And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Bronze tonight."

"The who?"

"The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town"

We stop outside the library.

"Where's that?"

"About half a block from the good part of town." I laugh "We don't have a whole lot of town here. But, um, you should show!"

"Well, I'll try. Uh thanks."

"Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you."

I rush off to my next class which I'm already late for, you'd think I'd get rewarded for all my good deeds by at least a few extra minutes to get to class. Besides, there has to be at least some reward, why else would anyone do it?


I can't believe it, after all that I've done for her and she does this! It's like a knife through my back, she was my best friend, my trusted confidante and she throws it all away for this!

Okay, I guess I need to backtrack a little here. I was on my way to the courtyard to tell anyone who is 'anyone' all about the dead guy in Aura's locker, and what do I find? Miss Buffy Summers downward spiral into looser land, had I not expressly warned her of these people?

It was obvious she had no clue on how to handle these people, the trick was keeping an appropriate distance from them so that no one would associate you with them. The next was to look down upon them, a sort of gentle reminder to them of who you are and who they are, then you offer them the appropriate civil yet pointed remark - letting them know that they should leave your vicinity right away, for both of your reputations. Buffy on the other hand did not seem to understand this. Maybe I'd underestimated her 'coolness factor'? Or hang on, the girl was obviously socially retarded. I'm not sure even I, Cordelia Chase could fix this much damage, but I had to try.

"Are these people bothering you?" There, I've just given her the perfect opening to get herself out of this partially intact.

"Uh no"

Well at least she has the decency to look ashamed. But she's definitely retarded 'cos she's not taking the opening.

At this point Willow decides to butt into our conversation…rude much?

"She's not hanging out with us."

Okay whatever. Look what happens when cool kids hang out with losers, said losers think they can address you in conversation.

"Hey Cordelia."

Oh great, now Jesse thinks he can greet me…

"Oh please!" I immediately dismiss him, hopefully Buffy is watching and learning.

I turn my attention back to Buffy. "I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was canceled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker."


Oh, now she's deaf?

"What are you talking about?"

I glare at Willow, whose obviously forgotten her place in society and is still addressing me. It's great gossip though so I ignore the audacity and continue with my story. "Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!"

"Dead?" Questions Buffy.

"Totally dead. Way dead." I answer.

"It's not just a little dead then?"

Wait! Now Xander is in on the whole talking to me thing…what has this world come to? "Don't you have an elsewhere to be?" That's my nice way of saying you're stepping over society's social bounds here buster!

"Y'know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just to nibble on…"

"How did he die?

I decide to ignore Jesse's failure at noticing my total disdain for him and answer Buffy's question instead "I don't know."

"Well, were there any marks?"

I'm definitely starting to reconsider her whole coolness factor, what kind of question is that anyway? "Morbid much! I didn't ask!"

Weirdo girl, then grabs her stuff and offers some lame-o excuse before leaving. "What's her deal?"


Thursday night at The Bronze is surprisingly packed, which means lots of sweaty bodies in my vicinity, which wouldn't be bad if they were all Brad Pitt. Which they're not…but I deal.

So the gals and I are chatting.

"My mom doesn't even get out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, nobody cool has Epstein-Barr anymore."

I'm so caught up in my life-story that I don't even notice when geek-extraordinaire enters my vicinity – they really should wear bells or something.

"Hey Cordelia!"

"Oh yay, it's my stalker." I pull a face to ensure that my groupies get the correct picture, no offence to them, but some of them are lacking in the brains department if you know what I mean! This is one of the many reasons they need me. I think for them.

"Hey, you, uh, look great!"

As if I didn't already know that! "Well, I'm glad we had this little chat." Another civil yet pointed remark. And yet the geek doesn't catch on – I really need to re-look my 'turning over a new leaf' phase, 'cos this just ain't working for me.

"Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know?"

Wow, he has such a grasp of the English language. "Well, uh, no! C'mon guys." With that we leave Geek-boy-Jesse, behind.

Oh look what-his-name. I corner the nerd and demand a drink, which he scurries off to do. I've decided it's no more Miss Nice Cordelia – at least for tonight, and there's the fact that I'm in desperate need of a drink after all that talking. While I wait patiently for the drink I catch site of Buffy…is that the Librarian? This just gets way weirder, who hangs out with a librarian at a club? Who hangs out with a librarian anytime?

Boy am I glad I saw through her straight away, who knows what kind of faux pas I could've made socializing with her.

So anyway, I finish the drink and decide to go and powder my nose, so I lead the girls off to the toilets.

A touch up here and a dab there and I'm perfect once again. I pack my compact away and lead the way out of the bathroom only to be attacked by weirdo-girl.

She throws me against a wall and starts strangling me whilst she points a stick at me in threatening manner. Suddenly I see my life flash before my eyes and wonder what I possibly could've done to experience all of this misfortune.

Moments before I black out Buffy drops me.


I rub my neck and glare at her "God! What is your childhood trauma!" This is a rhetorical question, 'cos I'd really rather not know…plus, also, I don't care.

"Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here?"

Now she thinks we can have a chat? And in what bizarro-world would I ever know where the little red headed geek was. Somebody should tell her that red was so over. "Why? Do you need to attack her with a stick? Jeez!"

I don't even notice her leaving 'cos I'm already searching for my cell. "Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now!"

So I'm dialing numbers and thinking nobody is going to believe how psycho-chick tried to kill me, but hey I'm doing my duty by warning them…also…great gossip!


As I climb into bed, I congratulate myself on surviving the first day of Sunnydale High. I am so gonna rule the school…