Disclaimer: I wish. I really wish. If I owned anything, I probably wouldn't be writing fanfic, I'd be playing with the real characters. So no, I don't own anything. I don't own Abbey Feline Bed and Breakfast either. Or Carmen. I do own Alexis though. I don't own Liz Phair. Almost forgot that.

Author's note: Okay, I hope it (being the story) is not confusing for you. Also, it probably doesn't need a PG13 rating, but that's just to be sure.

Generally, this means that Carmen is talking to Alexis in her head.  There may be some exceptions, but that is what it generally means. If it sounds like someone is talking, but there are no quotation marks, that is Alexis talking to Carmen.  With quotation marks and italics is Carmen.  Enjoy! ~Phaidra

P.S. I'm not used to writing in present tense, usually I write in past, so if it's a bit messed up, I really am sorry. Oh, and I really do like Liz Phair, but I used her because my friend got annoyed when I listened to it over and over again. I'll do a nice little decorative border when it switches POVs, but generally I won't say that I'm switching. Hope that's not to confusing.


Picture two girls, both at the computer.  They are best friends, and have just gotten off the phone with each other.

One girl is listening to Liz Phair, and has been for the last two or three hours.  She has blonde hair with natural streaks, and highlights courtesy of the local salon.  She is online reading fanfiction at fanfiction.net.

The other girl is seething.  She has been subjected to WAY to much Liz Phair, and really, really terrible singing by the first girl, whom we shall call Alexis.

She has mousey-brown, dirty blonde hair, which is poufy and frizzy, and who is, like I said, seething.  We shall call her Carmen.  Why?  Because.  Simply, because.

A couple of days have passed, and Carmen and Alexis are getting ready to go back to school (sigh.)

Alexis and Carmen have been seeing each other every day at Abbey Feline Bed and Breakfast.  With Alexis, the whole Liz-Phair-over-and-over-again-plus-bad-singing incident is forgotten.

Not so with Carmen.  She has figured out what she is going to do, and Alexis is SURE to hat it.  Beware Alexis.  Beware.

So.  After working at Abbey both girls get home and go on the computer.  Alexis goes online to read fanfiction; Carmen goes on Word.

Alexis puts Liz Phair in her CD-Rom and starts humming/singing along; Carmen laughs a loud, maniacal laugh and starts typing.

"Die Liz Phair, DIE!!!"

Though she cannot hear the words, or even know what Carmen is typing, Alexis shudders, and a feeling of doom comes over her.

Meanwhile, Carmen is brainstorming.  "Lets see.  She can look like Michelle.  Short brown, layered hair with blond-orange streaks; ever-changing eyes.  A Mary Sue.  Yes.  That will do.  Now…"

That night, both Alexis and Carmen go to sleep the moment their heads hit their pillows.  Carmen sleeps heavily, in the deep, sweet sleep you get when your revenge is coming through.

Alexis sleeps uneasily, tossing and turning, clutching protectively the stuffed, soft sheep she is sleeping with to her chest.

She does not know exactly what is wrong, but she feels that something is.  How right she is, but right at her own expense.  Who would have thought that Liz Phair and bad singing would bring this horror upon her?

"Good morning Alexis," Carmen whispers.  "And what a wonderful morning it is."


I wake up with a start.  I had had the weirdest dream, where Carmen was a maniac who sent me to PotC, and that was where the dream stops.

I try to go back to sleep.  My alarm clock hasn't gone off yet, and my mom hasn't come in to wake me up, so why not get some extra sleep?

The door opens, and a maid comes in.  Hold on, my door slides, and we don't have a maid.  What's going on?

"Mornin' Miss Swann.  Still in bed at this hour?"

Miss Swann?  I try to say, "What's going on?  My last name isn't Swann."  What I actually say is this:

"Good morning Becky."

Oh God.  What's happening?  I sound like a snob.  And she isn't my mom.  I don't know anyone named Becky except my mom.  And why can't I talk normally?  Or at least say what I want to say.  I have the right to free speech.

"Not anymore."


"The one and only."

Hold on.  Am I talking to Carmen in my head?  Am I going crazy?

Becky freezes in the middle of talking.  She just stops.  So does everyone and everything else.

"Yes Alexis, I am in your head.  I had to put the story on hold for a moment so I could talk to you, but it'll start up again in a moment."

What's going on?  Am I going crazy?  What's happening?  What story?

"Well, let me see.  Where to begin?"

How would I know?  You better tell me what's going on Carmen, or I will be so mad, and go so crazy Henry does not compare.


Carmen smiles.  All is going perfectly.  Alexis is trapped in a Mary Sue story, and she, Carmen, is in control.

Carmen?  Carmen?!  CARMEN!

"Yes Alexis?" Carmen asks.

What did you do to me?

"Nothing much."

And what exactly is nothing much? Alexis asks dubiously.

"Oh, I just put you in a self-insert Mary Sue story with you as Elizabeth's twin sister," Carmen answers innocently.

You WHAT?!

"I put you in a self-insert Mary Sue story with you as Elizabeth's twin sister.  Oh, and also—"

Also what?

"Oh, just that I can control what you say and do, and Captain Jack Sparrow will be in the story."

WHAT!  What did I ever do to YOU!?

"You subjected me to hours of Liz Phair and your bad—no, it goes beyond bad—singing."

Well still, a Mary Sue story?  That is punishment way out of proportion to my crime.

"Not to me.  Have fun Alexis."