A/N: Yes, another Mary Sue parody. This one is different enough in concept and execution to be funny, though. I hope. Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Do not own Tolkien characters. Also, this could get bloody, which is why the rating..
The Game of the Gods
Varda smiled. "Your move."
Morgoth flinched. Then he looked over the board in front of him. It might have been a chess board, save that a chess board didn't have many flashing blue and green oblongs on it, and wasn't covered with ivory pieces showing various girls and young women with their faces frozen in expressions of longing.
He tapped one of the pieces, a human girl with pointed ears and cat-shaped eyes who sat in front of an oblong box. She flushed pink and then began to breathe.
Varda looked disappointed. "That one? She will be easy to dismiss."
Morgoth smiled smugly. "She is a Sue. They are never easy to dismiss."
"When I am allowed to apply reality to the game," said Varda, "they are."
Some moments passed in silence, which didn't cause Morgoth to flinch, and starlight, which did. Then he said impatiently, "Aren't you going to do anything?"
Varda smiled mysteriously. "Reality is enough."
Anjara carefully checked her backpack. She had an extra change of clothes, makeup, deodorant, three bottles of bottled water, Mountain Dew, frozen pizza, a microwave, a skateboard, earrings, and the gold necklace that proved she was really Elvish in her extra-light magical backpack. And now she was going back to Middle-earth to claim her heritage. She was really the Princess of Mirkwood and Gondor, but had been sent away to Earth by Arathorn, her evil father, who wanted his son to inherit the throne of Gondor. He was ashamed of his half-Elvish daughter.
Not that he needed to be, Anjara thought, glancing complacently at herself in the television set she would use to enter Middle-earth. She did have Elvish eyes and ears, but she was fairer than any human, with long black silken hair and large gray eyes that still had the mysteries of starlight in them. She would show up in Gondor, and after a short period of argument, Aragorn would yield the throne to her, convinced that his half-sister could rule better than he could. Then Anjara would go to Mirkwood and claim the throne from her half-brother Legolas Greenleaf.
She turned to face the TV, clicking it on. The FOTR DVD began to play, and Anjara smiled again. She had known the first time she saw the movie that someone else had found a portal to Middle-earth, the home she had dreamed of for so long. This was what it really looked like.
Confidently, she held the Elvish medallion in front of her and spoke the words that would take her home. "Mellon daeron melamin Anjara!"
She sprang forward, towards the green and welcoming hills of the Shire that shone on the TV. The gate would open in a moment, and-
Anjara dashed full-force into the television screen, which broke around her. Bright sparks fizzled and hissed and popped in her ears, and shards of glass dug into her skin. She tried to shift, tried to move out of there, but a massive head wound was already doing its work.
Her parents were shocked to come home and find their daughter dead with her head in the television set. They never did quite figure out what she had been doing, or why she had a fake-looking plastic medallion clutched in one hand and various items scattered on the floor around her.
Varda smiled. Morgoth flinched.
"Do you see?" Varda murmured. "No one can use a television set as a portal to another world. It is self-evidently ridiculous."
Morgoth had a moment of gloomy foresight. "You are going to be saying that quite often."
"Yes, I am," Varda agreed, smiling even more.
Morgoth covered his eyes with his hand. "Must you? It's as bright as the damned Valacirca in here."
Varda dimmed her smile, but didn't put it out. "I need do nothing," she said, "but lift the restrictions that allow a Sue to override reality. Reality does the rest."
Morgoth growled. "You shall not win every time," he promised, and touched another Sue.
"Shall I not?" Varda murmured, and prepared to play once again.