Disclaimer: *sucks absent-mindedly on Ryuuji's neck* Hmm?

Dinner Conversation ~ Yami no Malik and Yami no Bakura have an argument over who gets to eat first. A vaguely fluffy and definitely odd vampire story for Chibizoo. YnMalik/YnBakura

        =(^.^)= Would you believe me if I said that this story came to me in a dream?

        Okay so maybe it wasn't a dream. What happened was that Zoo-sama asked me to write a vampire fic with YnMalik/YnBakura coupling (in the narrative, they will be referred to as Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik, but in dialogue they will be referred to as Bakura and Malik), and while I was trying to sleep (on the day before school too… --;;), this storyline just got stuck in my head.

        So this is the unfortunate result.

Rated PG-13 for shounen-ai, language.

        Once he had dumped that night's dinner on the dining room table, Yami no Malik looked over at his white-haired lover with a very self-satisfied look. He was, simply put, quite pleased with his accomplishment that night, but from the dumbfounded expression on Yami no Bakura's face, the other vampire obviously did not share the same thoughts.

        "He's so… small," Yami no Bakura frowned as he peered down at the lithe figure lying unconscious on the surface. Sure, Yami no Malik's catch was quite attractive… slim and with unique tri-colored hair… but good looks didn't exactly make up for a definite lack of nourishment. Apparently, the topic of their conversation was having a variety of eating disorders, which certainly accounted for his decidedly thin body.

        "If you don't want any, that's fine by me," was the calm reply as the blonde vampire smiled ever so slightly. "After all, that just means more for me."

        Yami no Bakura ignored the obvious taunt, instead continuing to eye the limp body with an air of both longing and open disgust. He was, in short, extremely hungry, and the fact that the little pipsqueak which could barely feed one person was the only thing his current… caretaker (he was loathe to use the word, really) could bring back was not making him a very pleasant vampire at the moment.

        For you see, ever since Yami no Bakura had the unfortunate luck to break his leg, he had been perpetually engrossed with sustenance. This was mainly due to the fact that because the silver-haired vampire was no longer able to find his own meals, he was sadly forced to depend on his lover for all meals.

        Which was, in short, one of the worst things possible that could ever happen to him. It had been two weeks since he'd had a semi decent meal, and (surprise, surprise!) it had also been two weeks since he had broken his leg. A coincidence? He sure bloody didn't think so.

        The major problem, really, was that Yami no Malik could be astonishingly lazy when it came to finding food. Yami no Bakura wasn't exactly sure how that worked, considering how much his lover liked to torture their victims… but then again the lazy ass always was under the impression that food liked to waltz right into his arms.

        "Let me guess. You found it wandering around the area," he asked flatly, not even bothering to look up at the other bloodsucker. He already knew the answer, so he wasn't sure why he was bothering to ask. No, correction. He knew why he was bothering to ask, but he didn't know why he wanted to put himself through the hell of knowing that another day was going to get by without dinner. "And of course, you brought it home for us to feed on."

        "Actually, it was in the dumpster."


        "Why were you looking through the… forget it, I don't want to know," he scowled as he shook his head, trying to ignore the headache he was getting from being trapped with the world's most annoying psychopath. He simply decided that he didn't care where dinner had come from because no matter how unappetizing it seemed, blood was still blood.

        Unfortunately, Yami no Malik did not share the same thoughts because he apparently felt some type of obligation to enlighten the invalid, "A rat bit me, and I chased it into the dumpster, which is where I found both it and dinner. So I had a snack and brought home this." He gestured at the body, the proud smirk still playing on his lips.

        Yami no Bakura started to tune him out as he continued to explain his exploits in gruesome detail, instead choosing to concentrate on not humiliating himself by drooling all over the kitchen. Not that Yami no Malik would even notice… after all, cleanliness was not exactly a big factor in his life and besides, he was still too engrossed in his story to worry about what Yami no Bakura wanted to do.

        He was, however, paying enough attention to notice when Yami no Bakura suddenly announced quite loudly, "I get to feed first then." This, of course, caused him to choke midsentence.

        "Nanda?! [1]"

        "You already ate, so this should just be dessert for you, right? So it's only natural that I get to feed first."

        Another long silence.

        "Naze? [2]"

        "You also fed first last time."

        "So? It's not my fault that the last thing I brought in already belonged to someone else. Honestly, you're not supposed to let dinner go walking around. There's no telling what kind of trouble it can get into."

        "That's what you get for being lazy and not going outside the boundaries to hunt! No matter what, dinner does not just waltz into your arms!!"

        Yami no Malik didn't even bother to comment on the accusation as he continued to defend himself, "Kaiba should have put some type of mark on him… if I had seen a mark, I wouldn't have bothered to waste my time with him. He didn't have to nearly kill me just because I borrowed his precious human pet."

        "There was a mark on him, you idiot."

        "Do you really think I was going to look there? Do you think anyone would? Who is going to look there? You're supposed to feed from the neck, not the…."

        "That's funny, considering how you usually look before you take them home. Are you sure you didn't look and just didn't bother to care?"


        "Ku. I'm not surprised. No wonder Kaiba was in a rage when he came after his green-eyed slut. Although I was surprised… Kaiba usually doesn't have any taste. This one was at least good-looking, if still human. Would have been interesting to toy with if he didn't already belong to a certain someone."

        "He still shouldn't have put his mark there. No one is going to check there."

        "You shouldn't have brought it home in the first place. I thought he was going to kill both of us, even though it was, as always, your fault."

        "Who was the one bitching about not having dinner?"

        "We would have had dinner every freaking night if you would just walk a little farther. There are plenty of humans outside of the boundaries. I don't see why you insist on hunting within, when there is clearly nothing that doesn't already belong to other vampires. If even that."

        "What do you care as long as you get your blood?"

        "It's been two weeks since I was stupid enough to listen to your little entertaining idea and get my leg broken. It's also been two weeks since I fed properly. And all of it, as usual, is your fault."

        "My fault?! How is it my fault? I bring you the food that you want… it's not my fault that you're too damn picky to feed from them!"

        "The one before Kaiba's pet wasn't even a human!"

        "So? How was I supposed to know it was a werewolf?!"

        "Everyone knows that the stupid blonde is a werewolf! Everyone!! Even you knew that, yet you still brought him into the house! And now our bedroom carpet is still covered with crap…."

        "So? It smelled anyway."

        "And the time before that, I don't even know what you were thinking! Bringing that… that thing into the house!"

        "It was human, it was healthy, and it was tasty."

        "It looked like me."

        "So? Added to the pleasure."

        "That's disgusting. And stop saying 'so'! You're driving me insane!"

        "So? You were already insane."

        "Damn you."

        "I didn't mind feeding on the person you brought in that looked like me."

        "… that was different!"

        "That one tasted good too."

        "I can't believe this."

        "No, really he did. I was surprised myself. Although he didn't taste quite as good as your little twinling… are you sure you two aren't related?"

        "Shut up."

        "Does this mean I get to feed first?"

        "No, damn it! It's my turn! I called it first! I'm the one who's hungry! I'm the one who deserves to feed first! You already had your little rat, so now it's my turn!"

        "I found it!"


        "So I get to feed first!"

        "You already fed from the freak you brought home! And you fed first last time, when I was the one who brought home dinner. And you didn't leave me anything, you selfish bastard!"

        "Like you haven't done that yourself!"

        "But that's different!"

        The two finally paused to glare at each other, each heaving from the effort they had put into making their arguments as effective as possible. Which was, of course, not very effective at all, although nobody was crazy enough to point that out to the two psychotic and rather murderous vampires. Despite what some people thought, nobody happened to be a very crazy little being and it liked pointing out random facts that should stay random rather than become facts.

        "I'm also seme," Yami no Malik finally pointed out with a huge smirk. "Seme gets priority over the lowly uke. Therefore, seme also gets to feed first."

        "WHAT?!" the white-haired vampire shrieked back. It was amazing how high-pitched his voice could get when he shrieked, and it was just as amazing that the entire house didn't collapse around them or at the very least break all the glass windows and objects in the building. Or a three-mile radius, but that was a different story. Still, Yami no Bakura could shriek, and it was a very good thing that he didn't shriek more often or the entire world would be deaf.

        Well, except maybe for Yami no Malik, who just stood there with his arms crossed and a triumphant look on his face. The smile, for some reason, made Yami no Bakura want to rip his lover's mouth off and stuff it in the incinerator. He wondered if the lips would scream on their own.

        He did not, however, have time to ponder that. After all, he had his extremely important and irreplaceable reputation to defend, and letting Yami no Malik steal his position of seme was definitely not going to help that.

        "I'm seme. You're uke."

        "In your dreams. I'm seme. I'm always playing seme. In case you have forgotten already, you're the one who's always on the bottom begging for more."

        "I think you've been hallucinating again, Malik. You seem to have been experiencing that problem a lot more as of late…" Yami no Bakura hissed.

        "No more than you have, apparently," was the snarled reply.

        The two glared at each other, as if daring the other to be the first to speak. Apparently, neither of the had ever heard of the concept of compromise… and even if they had, they were each waiting for the other person to bring up that brilliantly (and rarely used) concept.

        To be truthful, it wasn't as if it would really have been that difficult for the two of them to compromise. Perhaps they could have been able to make an agreement where they both fed at the same time, or that they played some sort of game in order to determine who would be the first. Whatever it was, however, that they could have done… it was quickly becoming apparent that it wouldn't be done because neither would back down from their respective position.

        They glared. They snarled. They mentally cursed and threatened each other, although neither one heard the mental curses and threats. But whatever they did, the two were at a deadlock, and each was too stubborn to find a way to solve the problem that had been so obligingly dropped into their lap.

        Finally, fed up, their tempers finally snapped at the same exact time.

        "It's my turn!" they both screamed at the same time before turning abruptly to glare at the object of their arguments, each prepared to grab it and run off (or in Yami no Bakura's case, hop off with the help of his crutches) before the other could react. Going through their minds at the exact same time were dramatic scenes of victory, but instead both were met with the most bitter type of defeat.

        Nobody was there to grab, and that also meant that there was nobody there to feed off of. Which basically meant that for the first time in their rather long lives, the two vampires appeared to be completely stumped by the most horrendous… and not to mention impossible… change in events.

        Yami no Bakura, however, chose not to remain confused for very long as he suddenly turned on Yami no Malik and started shaking him. It was a difficult task considering that Yami no Malik was quite a bit taller than him, but the psychopathic white-haired vampire somehow managed it quite nicely.

        "This is all your fault!" he screamed as he somehow managed to shake his lover even though he had dropped his crutches in the process of grabbing Yami no Malik. No one was quite sure how he managed to do it, but at that moment, the only person who might have been able to explain it was certainly not in a position to care or figure it out.

        "How in bloody hell is it my fault?" he screeched back as he shoved Yami no Bakura back, causing him to land (quite conveniently) in the chair he had been sitting in previously. "Is it my fault that you were a picky prick who can't just let me tell the truth for once?! Seme!! I am seme!! Not you! ME!"

        "Urusai! You are no such thing!" Yami no Bakura screamed back as he resisted the urge to jump Yami no Malik and claw his eyes out. In no way, of course, was this related to the teensy weensy fact that he wasn't exactly in the condition to do any such thing.

        "Yes I am! Stop kidding yourself!"

        "You are uke! I am seme!"





~ * ~

        The rest of the week did not pass well.

        Undaunted by the events of that fateful day, Yami no Malik remained the lazy vampire he always was and refused to stray farther than the borders of the area, which more or less meant that he was guaranteed not to find anything decent to eat. Yami no Bakura, by this point, was seriously thinking about kicking him out until he came home with something to eat, but he found that difficult when he could barely find the energy to get up and move, not to mention throw out his lover.

        Either way, he soon found that even Yami no Malik had no interest in leaving the house. It might have had something to do with how Yami no Malik was also too hungry and energy drained to leave the house, or it might have had something to do with the fact that Yami no Malik had a bit of a run-in with a rather pissed off Kaiba Seto, who was still rather touchy about the whole incident when the blonde vampire had nearly fed from his human pet. It didn't matter that he hadn't, and it didn't matter now that he hadn't gone anywhere near the human since the entire event.

        Whatever it was, Yami no Malik was at home and that meant no dinner.


        "I'm hungry."


        "Damn it! This is your fault!"

        "How is this my fault!"

        "It just is! Now shut up before I kick you out!"

        "Make me!"

        "Are you busy?"

        Two heads immediately whipped around to stare at the intruder, who was staring at the two of them with a truly confounded expression on his face. Somehow, they managed to keep their mouths from dropping to the ground, but it was a close battle as they found themselves face to face with last week's dinner.

        The newcomer blinked at them, his eyes the color of fresh blood looking over them as if he was starting to wonder if this was some type of mistake.

        "I could come at a better time if you want," he continued, almost oblivious to the fact that Yami no Bakura's and Yami no Malik's eyes looked ready to pop out onto the ground, in which case he would have to start looking at where he stepped unless he wanted to step on something that was unpleasantly squishy.

        "What… what are you doing here?!" Yami no Bakura finally demanded, forcing himself to collect himself rather than looking like an idiot… which just wasn't very impressive.

        "You two had extra rooms, and I need a place to stay."

        "But… but you're a human!"

        "Did I say that?" he looked generally surprised. "I must have been drunk then."

        "I found you in the dumpster!" Yami no Malik interjected, staring at him with an almost wild expression in his eyes. He couldn't tell if he was disturbed by the fact that he was being confronted by dinner that escaped him, or if he was extremely ecstatic by the fact that he was being confronted by the dinner that had escaped him.

        "The bartender usually dumps me there when I pass out."


        Yami no Yuugi shrugged, a movement that was made difficult by the body that he had slung over his shoulder. The two hadn't even noticed the body until this point, and now they were completely fixated by it. It was amazing… the body looked twice as big as the diminutive vampire that was holding it as casually as a stuffed toy, yet he seemed completely unaffected by its size, height, or weight.

        "I brought you dinner, since both of you looked like you hadn't fed in a while when you brought me here. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room."

        With that said, he dropped the body and walked right past them, pausing in the hallway before choosing to enter the room that was the least messy. And it wasn't until the door had slammed shut did Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik finally come out of their state of shock.

        Or, at least Yami no Malik did.

        "We're not going to let that little pipsqueak live here with us, are we?" he roared, gesturing angrily at the door. Unfortunately, Yami no Bakura was too engrossed in the body to care… for there it was, in front of him. He could clearly see the chest moving up and down, and the veins beating the fresh blood….

        "He brought us dinner…."

        That brought an end to any complaints Yami no Malik had, and for a moment longer the two continued to contemplate the body until he finally cleared his throat.

        "We'll just kick him out later," he decided before starting to walk over to the body.

        A pale hand grabbed his arm.

        "What do you think you're doing?"

        "What does it look like I'm doing?" Yami no Malik snapped back.

        "It's my turn to feed first."

        "No it's not. I'm seme, remember?"

~ Owari ~


[1] What?!

[2] Why?

        ^.^ Well… that was kinda fun. XD

        *huggles Zoo-sama* Glad you liked it. :)