Dark, McAngsty Angst fest. Remus has a crush on Sirius, who doesn't seem to catch on. This is a dark fic, but
I'm a sucker for happy endings, so be confident that somewhere along the line there will be some nice slashy
slashness. To give you an idea as to when - this story should be more than 5 chapters of similar lengths to this

I don't know why people bother to write disclaimers anymore …but, gee, no, I don't own these characters.
(Surprised?) If I did, the Fundamentalist Christians would have a whole slough of other reasons to hate this


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I can't take it anymore.

Remus was growing up. And part of that growing meant … changing. Not only physically, but emotionally as
well. He started to notice things, about other people. Thing he didn't necessarily want to notice. Things like …
smiles, and lips, and eyes, and, particularly, nice arses. This made Remus feel very uncomfortable sometimes.
Especially when he found himself gaping at his friends in not-so-platonic ways.

Of course, if they ever found out he was gay, they wouldn't judge him, anymore than they had when they'd
found out he was a werewolf. No, that wasn't the problem.

Sirius …

Remus had found himself becoming more and more obsessed with Sirus Black, ever since he had walked in on
the taller boy showering, right after the Christmas hols.

But then again, everyone was obsessed with Sirius Black.

And in that was the problem.

Remus couldn't tell if he liked Sirius or not. Obviously they were friends, and they cared for each other in that
way, but Remus wasn't sure if he cared about Sirius in any deeper way. Then he found himself wanting Sirius
very, very badly. In a way that hurt sometimes, when he thought too much. But he didn't just want a physical
relationship. He couldn't live with just a physical relationship. He needed love. But could he love Sirius?

Sometimes, Remus hated Sirius. Sometimes, he wanted him to die. Sirius could get away with anything. No
one ever told him he was wrong - they couldn't. Within his good looks, Sirius held a persuasion that beat every
qualm. Sirius was mean. He was not a good person. Remus cried sometimes, because he couldn't stop him
from hurting others. And then Sirius would make him feel better, because, if he tried, he could fix anything. But
he never wanted to fix things, only break and humiliate them.

It would be hard for Remus to love someone like that. For anyone to love someone like that.

Remus, along with the majority of students at Hogwarts, wanted to jump Sirius. Unfortunately, Sirius was the
one who ended up doing all the jumping, and therefore was very haughty and selective with the elite few he
chose to associate with. Sirius carried himself in a way that made it okay for him to treat people badly. And,
try as they might, no one could resist his shameless and conceited self. Girls demoralized and spoiled
themselves, throwing themselves practically at Sirius' feet, even if they already had relationships. And Sirius
reveled in it. He liked to make people feel bad.

Remus had one thing over everyone else, however. Something that did set him apart from the rest.

Sirius made a point of never befriending his followers, merely stringing them along and leaving them alone when
he got bored. Sirius didn't have many friends at all, only a handful with whom he would share his thoughts and
hopes and fears. And Remus was one of them. That alone gave him something of a chance.

But could he still be friends with Sirius, in the unlikely event that anything did happen between them? As far as
Remus knew, Sirius hadn't ever had a relationship with anyone. Ever. So was it likely that they could be both
physically and emotionally attached at the same time? No. Never.

It was hard for Remus, to be so close to Sirius, and yet unable to say or do anything. His temperament was
being dragged on an emotional roller coaster; Sirius would brag about his endeavors, thereby upsetting Remus.
Then he would comfort Remus, inflating him with joy and hope and possibility. Remus would be walking on air
… until he crashed back into depression with the next of Sirius' scandalous tales. It was a continuous cycle of
despair and crushed hopes. And it had to stop, somehow …

I can't take it anymore …

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There's the first chapter. Hope you liked it. If any of you canon-watchers find anything amiss, feel free to bug
me about it. If anyone reads this story, I'd be curious to know what you think thus far. Thanks!