Survivors - too hard-headed to give up

yeah, so... another new fanfic. But it's not happy and not even CD/Nate. It's CD/Raina friendship. I hope writing this will help me to cope with just having found out that I'm more like Raina than I'd like to admit. This is taking place sometime after "Castaways"

Disclaimers: I belong to DJL because I'm so much like CD/Jinny/Raina that it's scary. Just mix them and what you get is me. Though I never had crazy fantasies about my parents. I kinda knew all along. But having that fear confirmed was a shock.

Raina was back at work again. Just having seen the man who had raped the woman who had given birth to her made her feel dirty. And he had scared her. She didn't blame her mother anymore for having given her away. She even felt sorry for tearing open an old wound. A wound like that even. On the one hand she was glad she had faced that demon and went to find her even though it crushed all her illusions. But on the other hand she wondered if maybe she'd be better off not knowing. Splashing some water into her face she took a deep breath. She hadn't known where else to go so here she was again. At the Division. She looked at the mirror on the wall of the woman's locker room but what she saw wasn't herself. What she saw was this horrible thing that seemed to shadow all over her life now. When she noticed the tears that streamed down her face she just sank to the ground and cried.

CD's shift was over and she just wanted to go home again. Lily had just called Nate and he was all lovey-dovey with her on the phone and she just felt like punching him. Or her. Or both of them. But all of that was forgotten as she entered the locker room and saw Raina crouched to the ground, crying her eyes out. Silently she sat down next to her and sensing she needed that now she wrapped her arms around her and gently rocking her hugged Raina. "Shhhh." She whispered soothingly as Raina just held on to her as if she was everything that kept her alive right now.

Neither of them said a word until Raina's sobbing slowly subsided. CD stroked through her hair and looked at her. "You wanna go somewhere?" She asked and Raina nodded.

Giving her a small smile CD got up and held her hand out to help Raina up too. "Come on then."

Raina gladly took her hand. Usually she'd turn to Kate whenever something was wrong but even though she had tried this time Kate hadn't been able to help her. "Can we stop for a ton of icecream somewhere?" She asked CD with puppy eyes like kids begged for cerials at the supermarket.

"Sure." CD said and handed her a couple of paper tissues from the dispender.

Raina smiled back at her and wiped her tears away and splashed some more water into her face as CD got her jacket from her locker.

They walked out again and when they passed Nate CD just gave him a dirty look before she followed Raina into the elevator.

Nate looked after them puzzled. "What!?!" He called out after her but didn't get a reply.

Raina couldn't help but chuckle. "What was that about?"

"What was what about?" CD asked innocently.

Raina gave her a look. "You and Nate... trouble?"

CD rolled her eyes. "Not really. It's not important. He's just really annoying me lately."

"Because he's dating Lily?" Raina couldn't understand why they didn't get their act together already.

"No." She answered dryly and walked out as the elevator doors opened again.

'Yeah right.' Raina thought and followed her to her car.

CD smiled at her and opened the passenger door so Raina could enter. In silence CD drove to a supermarket and they bought a big box of chocolate icecream and a couple of plastic spoons. "So where do you wanna go?" CD finally broke the silence.

Raina shrugged. "Anywhere but home."

CD nodded, knowing that feeling. "I'll show you where I always go when I can't see my own walls." Though she was talking about the walls of her apartment she also meant those invisible walls that constantly surrounded her and that she couldn't seem to tear down anymore. Usually she didn't even want to. But sometimes she wished she could break through. But the walls were too thick already and she needed help from somebody on the other side to build a tunnel through them. Sometimes Nate seemed to be that person, but he wasn't digging hard enough. Especially not with Lily by his side now. And she knew that if they wanted to meet in the middle they both had to dig at the same time and she wasn't ready for that yet.

They arrived at Twin Peaks and Raina smiled at her. "It's beautiful up here."

CD nodded and they exited the car and sat down on the hood, leaning against the windshield. Wordlessly they started to devour the icecream, both finding solace in it somehow.

"You know I'm adopted, right?" Raina finally asked after a while. She had never made a big deal out of that. Her mothers had told her when she was very young and she was glad about that. But she never really realized what that meant until she was much older. And then she had started to wonder where she came from. She had always thought the wildest things. In her fantasy her parents had been secret CIA agents who saved the country on a daily basis and had given her away to protect her from their enemies. Or she thought her mother had been married because of family duties but had fallen in love with a mysterious stranger. But because that love could never be she had to give her away. Now it hurt her that the truth was different and dark and not at all a fairy-tale. And she felt guilty because of that.

"Yeah." CD nodded again. "You told me about your moms." She smiled. From what she heard that was one crazy family, but they were happy nevertheless.

Raina smiled. "They talk again. That's great." Their break-up probably had triggered her desire to finally find out more. She had been looking for her birthmother for a while already but ever since the big fight between Eve and Wanda she had intensified her search. With success, if she could call that success.

"Yeah it is." CD smiled back at her. She knew how hard it was when suddenly the family was falling apart and you found yourself in the middle of shambles.

Raina took a deep breath and a silent tear streamed down her face again. "I was looking for my birthmother." She whispered and a flood of tears followed that single one that she had tried to wipe away. But now she just let go again and started to sob anew.

CD realized that apparently that search meant bad news. She wrapped her arm around Raina. She knew that even though Raina could be tough as a cop she was vulnerable and fragile as a person and that she couldn't cope well with the horror in life. And what she needed now was a friend who accepted that she had another side than the constantly cheerful one.

"I always thought that deep deep down she wanted me. That somewhere, she was trying to find me and that she'd be happy to see me and we'd be a family again." Raina sobbed.

"But your bubble burst." And now she had a hard time facing the truth. CD always hated it when she saw another dream shatter.

Raina nodded. "She never looked for me. She didn't even want to see me. She told me lies at first but I didn't buy that." She whispered. "So I was stubborn. But I'm not sure I should have been. I just hurt her again and hurt myself... I'm glad I finally know the truth. But the truth hurts." She sobbed harder and held onto CD again. "My whole existance is a huge horrible mistake! My father is a rapist and my mother his victim. How can that happen? Why? And I had to go there and dig in the past. It's all my fault! I feel so guilty. How could he do that to her?"

CD swallowed upon hearing that. "Raina, listen to me. It's not your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty. It's horrible, yes, but you're not the one to blame. You're the victim of a circumstance and you should be proud of yourself..."

Raina cut her off. "Spare me that! I know the bla bla. I'm a cop too. I've said it a million times myself. But you have no idea how this feels like!"

Now it was CD's turn to take a deep breath. "Yes I do." She quietly said, knowing that this once the words spoken between her and Raina would remain between the two of them.

Stunned Raina looked at her. "What do you mean?" She wiped her tears away again.

"I was fifteen when my mother's boyfriend raped me." She admitted. Even after all these years it was hard for her to talk about it. "I blamed myself for years. I was ashamed and felt like a slut. He broke up with my mom after that and I felt even guiltier. I never said a word. So I know how it feels."

Raina gasped shocked. "Oh my god." She couldn't believe that. CD was so strong and tough. She always looked up to her and even though she knew that she had been through a lot with her ex-husband she couldn't believe that she had scars that were even deeper. And she had just torn open her biggest one it seemed. "I'm so sorry CD. I shouldn't have..."

This time CD cut her off. "Shh, it's okay. It took me years to realize it but I now know that it wasn't my fault. The only thing that I regret is that I never said a word and he got away with it. But what I wanted to tell you is that even though it hurts at the moment you have to look past the pain. You're the least to blame for all of that. You're a very fine young woman and a great cop. You have a great life all in all, right?"

She had to smile at the compliment and nodded. "Yeah. She even told me that she's proud of me and that she was glad that I had found her. But I'm not a part of her family. She moved on." That still hurt her too and she sounded sad.

CD smiled at her. "That's a good thing Raina. She buried her past. And you should do the same. Let go of that demon again. It's not even yours."

"I guess you're right." Raina nodded. "It's not the blood that makes a family."

"Exactly." She smiled, glad that she had been able to help Raina a little.

"Hey, how about some more icecream after I chase that demon back where he belongs?" Raina asked.

"Sounds good to me." CD said and they entered the car again.

"I found out about my..." She hesitated. He wasn't her father. "...about that bastard. He was in jail for what he did. But I can't forgive him."

CD nodded. "Then don't. You don't have to forgive him. He's the one to blame."

"Yeah he is." She gave her the directions to a supermarket where she had been once before and after they had bought more icecream there Raina strode up to a black man who was gathering carts that were spread over the parkinglot. Without warning she kicked right against his crotch. "I'm your daughter bastard! And I hope you'll burn in hell." With that she walked back to CD again who was probably as baffled about that as Raina herself. She couldn't believe what she had done but she didn't regret it the slightest bit. "That felt good." She admitted and smiled at CD who watched how the man hurried off.

"Just don't do it again." CD said and turned back to her. She could understand damn well why she had done it.

"I won't." Raina let out a breath of relief. "That demon is back where he belongs." And she was able to go on with her life again like she was used to.