HOW NOT TO WRITE EVANGELION SELF-INSERTION
By Gendo Ikari
AUTHOR'S RANDOM CRAP: Blame reviewer Ode to Joy for this one. Since it seems like everyone really liked "How Not to Write Evangelion Fanfics," I thought I'd do another one. I'm bored anyway. And yes, Jenny, I am going to complete "Eva Matrix" once I figure out how to kill Serena without making it seem like a lemon. "Shinji jumped into Serena" just sounds wrong.
If you have written a SI fic (and we all have; just admit it and move on), this is a joke. Again, I'm not criticizing anyone, and there are plenty of really good SI fics out there. To make it funnier, I have handed over the writing chores to Gendo Ikari, who I have been told I resemble. Let's see if I can sound like him too. *pushes glasses up nose, looks intimidatingly at computer screen*
And of course, Gainax and Hideaki Anno own Evangelion lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. But if they ever want to give up copyright, I'll take it off their hands for a hundred bucks.
Konnichi wa, or komban wa if it is evening where you are, loyal and faithful readers of the Eva mythos:
You of course know me. I am Gendo Ikari, Commander of NERV, developer of Project Evangelion, and world-class leader of men and women. When they made that cheesy movie "Deliver Us From Eva," they were referring to me. I realize that I am the most hated man in the series, but that is no concern of mine; if I am not loved, I will be feared. Besides, which character besides that fool Kaji ends up with the women in Evangelion? Not my ne'er do well son, I assure you, but me. I am the Numero Uno. El Jefe Grande. N'kosi. The Man in Charge, and the Buck Stops Here.
Given that I am the one in command of all that happens at NERV (dance, puppets, dance!), I have become the world's leading authority on Self-Insertions. It seems there is hardly a day that goes past without some annoying twit arriving at NERV demanding to become an Eva pilot. Some are actually good at it—that is, becoming Eva pilots. Some are good at being annoying twits as well. A rare few are annoying twits who are good at piloting Evas. Usually Pilot Soryu takes care of those.
In any case, if any of you are brushing up on your writing and Eva skills and want to become a self-insertion, I have a few tricks of the trade, as it were, to pass on. After all, I want you to succeed. We are always in need of more cannon fod—I mean, more pilots for Evangelion. Despite what Anno would like you to believe (he knows far too much as it is), our pilots do get days off.
Shall we begin?
1) WEARING BLACK.
For some reason, all new Eva applicants always like to wear black. All over. Black shoes, black tunic, black pants, black sunglasses, black lipstick…well, I admit I've only seen the latter once. Sadly, NERV is not a goth rave, and while black is indeed intimidating, it only marks you down as a Self-Insertion. For some reason, this seems to lead to an increasing number of accidents around the Geofront and Tokyo-3. Why, I have no idea.
While I do not mind if the applicant wears black on occasion (my doltish son continues to dress as if it was 1955), all the time is ridiculous. Black absorbs heat and makes you sweat more, a real problem when it gets hot in Tokyo-3. I will show you the LCL tank headfirst if you stink when you apply for a job. Black also makes people think one of two things: 1) you are evil, and/or 2) you are a vampire. The only evil person allowed around NERV is me, which is why I wear mostly black. (Even then, you will note, I set it off with a red turtleneck and gold piping on my jacket. My beloved Yui did teach me something about fashion sense.) And while I might find a vampire interesting, it should be remembered that we rarely battle Angels at night. You are no good to me as cannon fo—pardon me, as a heroic Evangelion pilot if you are a pile of dust floating around in LCL. Finally, take off your sunglasses during the day. The only people who ever carried that off during the day was Roy Orbison and Michael Jackson, before we found out he was an Angel and had him…eliminated.
One more thing: I will not allow you to repaint your Eva black. There is a reason why they are colored the way they are, which I will explain. EVA-00 was orange so that we could see it easier during testing. We repainted it blue because it matched Rei's hair—er, because it provided better camouflage against the blue skies we often have here in Tokyo-3. Yes, that's it. EVA-02, Asuka's machine, is painted such so that the blood does not show when she goes berserk and starts killing things. EVA-01 is painted purple because my son liked Barney when he was a child. This is one of my many attempts to build bridges to him, but he is too wimpish to understand. So if you paint your Eva black, it will disrupt the paradigm of the entire project. It will also make your Eva look cooler than EVA-02, and I lose enough new pilots to Asuka as it is.
2) SOUNDING SMART.
I know you are intelligent, otherwise you would have never gotten past the front door. We don't just let anyone in here, which is why Kensuke Aida stays outside. So you do not have to impress me with your knowledge. Nor do you have to attempt to sound like you know more than I do, or more than Dr. Akagi. She is a graduate of MIT, Tokyo University, Nekomi Technical Institute, and Flathead Valley Community College, so she knows more than everyone here except me. And you do not know more than I do. Think about it: the last person who I thought knew more than I do strangled someone and then shot herself. You don't want to end up like that.
Also, I do not recommend sounding smarter than the three main pilots. Rei does not care if you think you are smarter than she is. Asuka will likely arrange something heavy to fall on your skull. Shinji…actually, feel free to sound smarter than Shinji. Truly, the boy must learn humility. I know my son very well, and he has a problem with pride.
Besides, this is Evangelion. It does not have a happy ending. Pride goeth before a fall, and if you think you're more intelligent than a Hawking or a Stingray, then you are likely to end up a burned-out wreck, crying for your mother.
On the other hand, do not play dumb. That only convinces me that you might indeed be a moron, and Akagi has gerbil cages that need to be cleaned. Any use of words like "gollee" or "gee whiz" or "fo shizzle ma nizzle" are grounds for immediate execution, and there's no court in the land that will save you. Mainly because we control those, too.
3) TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU ARE THE BEST EVA PILOT…EVER.
This is not only annoying to me, Gendo Ikari, but annoys the staff as well. If you are the best Eva pilot ever, prove it. I will send you up against an Angel alone to give the other three pilots a chance to get their act together, while the Angel plays with your corpse. They do like their food fresh, you know. Remember what happened to the other failed Eva pilots? Oh, you don't? Perhaps there is a reason for that, neh? All I will say is that those dummy plugs don't come from nowhere. This is similar to numero two-o above. Bragging about how good you are will likely result in you falling down hard, and being subject to practical jokes from the staff. Like me. I am actually quite funny when I wish to be. Really.
What could be worse for you is if you are the best Eva pilot ever. This leaves you open to all sorts of problems, including:
· Being "eliminated" "accidentally" by Asuka Soryu
· Being "forgotten" by Dr. Akagi while you are in synchro tests.
· Being "closely examined" by said Dr. Akagi, which could mean anything from a rubber glove to a frontal lobotomy.
· Being pestered to insanity by Kensuke Aida.
· Being ignored by Rei Ayanami.
· Being beat up by Toji "I Hate Everybody" Suzuhara.
· Being serenaded by Makoto "Nirvana is Not Dead" Hyuga.
· Being…er…reassigned to…uhm…Antarctica by…er…me for horning in on my scene.
· Being mistaken as an Angel and having your head torn off.
You see? It is better to either be simply good enough or even mediocre, like my son, so that you avoid notice. Remember that the one who survives dodgeball is the one who doesn't make a lot of noise and becomes really small.
4) WANTING TO PILOT EVA-04, EVA-03, EVA-01, AND/OR EVA 007, EVA .3142, ETC.
If you are lucky enough to make the cut and become an Eva pilot (*snicker* yeah, right…uh, ahem), you will pilot the Eva that I assign you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Do not cross go, do not collect 200 yen. You don't like it, there's the door.
Once more, think about it. Do you really want to pilot EVA-04 (it blows up) or EVA-03 (it takes over its pilot and goes on a killin—ah, forget you read that part)? I'm afraid that sequential numbers EVAs 05 through 18, I believe, are taken up by those fools at SEELE who think I don't know what they're doing. And you are not a dummy, so you don't want to be in a dummy plug. That's a joke. My own. Laugh.
In any case, you are likely to be assigned one of our three Evas, and pilot it when one of the other three is out taking a break. Luckily for you, Rei is not very particular about her plug, as long as you wear deodorant and do not change the radio channel. She likes classical music, and the last Eva pilot who switched the channel to death metal got an arm removed. Without anesthetic. For that matter, without a scalpel. Asuka does not like anyone to pilot her Eva, but she is a pawn—I mean, a pilot like the rest of you, so she will do what I say. As long as you clean out the plug when you're done, you'll be fine. My son also does not care overmuch what you do while you pilot his Eva. I do, however, so mess it up and you next post will be Angel Early Warning, or as we like to call it here, "Redshirt Express."
However, I am open to negotiations on renumbering the Evas or piloting one of our prototypes. (Note to self: this should be fun to watch *chortle*) Stop by my office with suitably large amounts of cash and we will talk.
5) MAKING ASUKA AND/OR REI FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
This is a no-no. I do not allow romantic relationships within NERV unless your name is Gendo Ikari (and it's not, because that's me) or Kaji Ryoji (I am simply in awe of that man's ability, so I let it slide). It makes for too many distractions when the Angels attack. The last thing I want is one of our pilots sacrificing themselves nobly for another. I need as many pilots as I can get. If you want to be a tragic hero, please see Mr. Mamoru Oshii for an application. Acting like a stud or a studette will merely get you laughed at by the staff--that is, me.
Again, success may be far worse than rejection. Asuka apparently has some feelings for my son, and yet look how he is treated. I wish that child would grow a pair. It's depressing. When I was his age, I was sleeping with a gorgeous upperclassman and starting Second Imp—well, anyway, it's quite annoying. Asuka does love Kaji (what is with him?) and she glomps onto him like a parasite. Now imagine yourself in his position. And wipe that smile off your face, because she would make you do everything. Her idea of foreplay probably involves being beaten repeatedly with a lead pipe. You being the one beaten, you see. Besides, Asuka is annoying enough without you turning her into a blubbering, lovestruck idiot.
And Rei is off-limits. Period. You keep your grimy mitts off of her, or I will kill you. Slowly. Horribly. It'll be great. For me, that is.
6) MAKING SHINJI FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I'm assuming that if you choose this option, you are a female. Though after Kaworu, I suppose you could be a male as well. Whatever. If you make the boy grow up and quit whining about everything, then I actually applaud this option. However, you will likely make him more whiny, as he maunders on and on about how he loves you but you ignore him, et al. Sad, really. I have enough trouble motivating Shinji as it is, let alone if he's in love with you and obsessing over you.
7) MAKING ANY OF THE REST OF THE CAST FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
This actually may or may not be a problem. Witness:
· Misato Katsuragi. This is a problem, because she has a fan club who will do anything for her, including clean up her apartment and do her laundry, and they will likely tear you to shreds like an irate English football mob if you try to move in on her. Kaji is also a problem, as you will have to out-smarm him. I do not think that is possible. And the cure is worse than the disease, because scoring with Misato means sentencing yourself to cooking for her for life (or enduring beer and ramen for same) and experiencing her driving. If we could only fit the Angels into her Alpine and let her drive, I would have no need for Evas.
· Kensuke Aida. *snicker* Hee hee…well, if you really want to, be my guest…excuse me for a moment while…I…adjust my glasses. Yes, that's it. *snort*
· Toji Suzuhara. You will likely be killed, Ruroni Kenshin Ginsu-style, if you attempt it. I understand Hikari is quite skilled with fillet knives.
· The Bridge Crew. I have no problem with this, but I believe Maya Ibuki is spoony over Dr. Akagi, and Makoto is in love with his guitar. And that other guy…I can't remember his name, but he's a card-carrying member of the Lust for Misato Club. (Hey, I have several thousand minions that work for me. I can't be expected tor remember them all.)
· Futsuyuki. What a wonderful idea! The old professor could use someone in his life. Please feel free.
· Kaji Ryoji. Sure, why not! Join every other damn woman in Japan! Sheep! That's what you are, sheep!
· Kaworu Nagisa. There's something not right about that lad, and I don't believe it is because he seems to have an attraction for my son. Again, I have no problem with this, but he has odd tastes. He gets goofier than usual when we play Beethoven.
· Ritsuko Akagi. If you wish. I have no further use for her. (That's what you think, pal—Editor.)
· Ranma Saotome. Oops! Heh…how did that one get in there?
· Me. If you're male, then I am afraid you are wasting your time. I apologize. If you are female, well…I am in my office. Please bring the results of your last physical. An Evil Bastard ™ like myself can never be too careful.
8) SECRETLY BEING AN ANGEL.
Our job is to kill Angels. Period. Assuming that you manage to slip through the security precautions we take, which is highly unlikely, you will die, or be captured and dissected, or hung out to dry someplace we won't mention. And don't think that we won't find out. In the middle of a battle, you will become motionless and do nothing while our Eva pilots suit up, get into their Evas, and generally get their collective heads out of their behinds. And then something will happen to you. Something bad. It is prophesied by the Dead Sea Scrolls and in my contract with Gainax.
If you start manifesting AT fields without being in an Eva, suddenly get synchro rates that are ridiculously high, or simply look at me funny like you know everything, you will be terminated with extreme prejudice.
9) OWNING YOUR OWN COOL GADGETS.
If you arrive in Tokyo-3, get into a battle, and suddenly whip a knife out of your Eva's boot or if your Eva turns into a truck or something, I will assume you are a foreign spy and act accordingly. If you have a supercomputer in your room and break into MAGI—and we will know—I will assume you are a foreign spy or a hacker and act accordingly. Ashcroft has nothing on me. If you invent something out of two toothpicks and a string and it works, I will assume you are named Washu and act accordingly. If you have the name "Bond," "Croft," "Jones," "Possible," or "Masaki" in your name and/or background, I will assume you have lost both your parents and most likely hire you. Then slap you repeatedly until you change your name to something more appropriate and less attention getting, such as "Ikari," "Aida," "Bob," or "Vash the Stampede."
The bottom line is, the only one who gets to own cool gadgets is me.
10) REPLACING ME.
I hope this small guide will assist you in your endeavor to become an Eva SI pilot. I look forward to seeing you here at NERV where you will be welcomed into our close-knit family of paw—er, pupp—ah, fool—oh, hell, minions. Get used to it.
His Royal Highhandedness Gendo Ikari