Title: Letters of Love p Author: Jasmine Black p Feedback: Would be appreciated enormously and constructive feedback is particularly welcome. Let me know what you liked and what you didn't, it all helps

Rating: Hard R probably in one place but for the whole pretty


Category: Angst and romance - ok lets say fluff! Major fluff, get

the sick buckets out - I'm worried it sounds cheesy at the end?!

The Challenge: 99. Remus is grading DADA essays, and finds a

salacious note to Sirius on the back of Harry's paper.

Angry that Sirius is involved with his own

16/17-year-old godson, Remus confronts him - only to

find out Sirius had no idea Harry was attracted to

him. What, if anything, does Sirius do about it?

This is part of the Canis_Major FQF

Remus Lupin sighed as he picked up yet another of his sixth years'

Defence Against The Dark Arts essays. After Sirius had been freed

the previous year when he, Remus, had found Pettigrew and been

hailed a national hero for bringing justice he had accepted the

teaching position once again. He didn't enjoy anything more than

teaching but after Snape had outed him as a werewolf three years

previously he had thought returning to the job he loved would not be


However at times like this he sometimes wondered exactly

why he enjoyed it so much. The class had obviously not remembered

their work from the last few years very well and so their

comparisons of three different dark creatures were on the whole

rather poor with the odd exception. Smiling wryly he graded the

paper, 10/10. The impish part of his brain dared him to write 2/10

just to see the horror on Hermione's face as he handed it back but

he resisted the urge, knowing it would be thoroughly unprofessional,

despite the amusement it could bring him.

"Last one Remus and then bed." He murmured softly to himself,

popping the last piece of Honeyduke's chocolate into his mouth and

beginning to read.

"No Harry!" He groaned disappointed in one of his

best students. "Where was your mind when you wrote this?!"

"Talking to yourself again dear, one of the first signs of going mad you

know." He heard the mirror chime in.

Coming to what appeared to be the end of the below average essay, 6/10, Remus turned the paper over and placed it face down on the pile with the others. "Hang on."

He realised he was still speaking to himself, taking the parchment

back into his hand seeing writing on the reverse of the sheet he

read studied the looped writing.

"Good God!" He exclaimed; horrified by what he saw, this really

couldn't be happening! Snatching a handful of powder he flung it

viciously into the fire and hissed "Sirius Black". The next thing he

knew he was staring out of Sirius' fireplace.

"Bloody hell Moony, it's nearly midnight!" Sirius was stood, cup of cocoa in his hand,

dressed in a navy satin dressing gown.

"I need to talk to you." Remus growled through gritted teeth.

"I'll come and see you tomorrow then or something." Sirius yawned exaggeratedly, in the hope Remus would take the hint that he was tired and needed to sleep.

"That's not good enough!" Remus snapped, making no attempt to sound placid,

feeling thoroughly furious with his best friend.

"Look Remus, I'm tired, you look knackered and I was just going to bed."

"I just called first to check you were decent to let you know I'm coming

over. Now!"

Sirius ran his fingers through his thick black hair. "If

I take my clothes off will it mean you'll let me go to bed?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow but quickly lowered it when Remus bit

back, "You've had your clothes off more than enough already I think!"

"What the hell is this about Moony?" Sirius had sunk back onto his

sofa as Remus burst into his living room.

"Harry! Harry is what this is all about."

Sirius sat up straight. "Is he alright? He isn't hurt or anything?" The concern was very evident in his voice.

"I'd have thought you'd know more about that than me! After all you know him

much more intimately than I do!" Remus' voice trembled with


"Remus, would you stop talking riddles, calm down, and

elaborate because I take it you haven't come over here in the dead

of night just to have some supper!"

Sirius' almost mocking tone didnothing to soothe Remus. "For Merlin's sake Sirius, how can you just

look so bloody innocent?! The boy is sixteen years old Sirius,


"Yes..And?" Sirius asked bewildered and vaguely amused by

the enflamed face of the usually mild man before him.

"Don't smirk at me Sirius! It isn't funny! I've never been so disgusted with you

in my whole life! He's James' son! He's your fucking godson!" Sirius

winced, Remus never cursed.

"Remus I really don't know what you're implying here but I'm really

confused." Sirius admitted.

"You're screwing with a sixteen year old kid Sirius, he's a child! Our best friend's child! You're meant to be his guardian, protecting him! Not fucking him!"

Sirius laughed suddenly. "What the hell are you on about?! That is the most

ludicrous thing I have ever heard!"

Remus looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "How can you be so blasé Sirius? I have proof so what's the point in lying to me?"

Sirius rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, was this actually happening or had

he fallen asleep and was having a truly bizarre dream. "I'm doing no

such thing Re.."

He didn't get the opportunity to finish what he was saying due to the werewolf's sudden holler of, "Stop lying Sirius! I already know what's going on. You always did like young boys didn't you?"

Sirius shook his head in frustrated amazement. "You are being

completely irrational Remus! When you were a young boy so was I,

heck you're three months older than I am so I would hardly classify

yourself as a young boy! I am most certainly not involved with Harry

in any shape or form other than as his parent figure. Yes he's an

extremely attractive young man but."

Remus butted in again yelling "So you fancy him.. What a surprise! After all you always

were looking at James weren't you?"

Sirius drew in a sharp breath, feeling close to slapping Remus or throwing some icy water over him, just to shut him up for two minutes, long enough to see sense!

"Remus, Harry is very attractive, as was his Dad. That does not mean I'm shagging Harry and just for the record I wasn't doing James either! It was always just you and if this is some ridiculous jealous mind game because you and I didn't work out after I was freed, then you're not the person I thought you were!"

"This has nothing to do with you and I Sirius. I know fine well we

didn't work out because there was so much baggage between the two of

us; that I accept. What I do not accept is that I have to read

Harry's little love notes to you handed in with his bloody

homework!" Remus ranted, his usual pallor replaced by a fiery red as

his temper surged out of control.

"I beg your pardon?" Sirius frowned. "Love notes?"

"Will you stop playing the innocent man here Sirius, this time you are guilty!" Sirius brow furrowed even further, that had been below the belt and it had hurt. Remus was never hurtful intentionally but on this occasion he had delivered a purposeful blow and it had hit the target, bullseye.

"Remus, I really wish you'd tell me what exactly is going on, I really don't understand."

The pain must have showed in his eyes along with his bewilderment as Remus finally realised that Sirius was thoroughly in the dark here and was in fact telling the truth.

The fairer haired man looked at the floor. "Sirius, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it was cruel. I thought that well, you know, you and Harry. I suppose I should explain." He looked up through lowered eyelashes at his raven headed friend apologetically.

"Yes you really should." Sirius was twisting his hair around his fingers, eyes boring into Remus, demanding answers.

"I was grading the sixth year homework in my room tonight

and I finally got to Harry's. Let's just say it wasn't his best

piece of work, it was almost as if he just wasn't concentrating when

he wrote it. Anyway I turned it over as I put it onto the marked

pile and saw that there was writing on the back. So at first I

assumed I had missed a bit of his essay but it wasn't what I

expected. However, it did explain exactly where his mind had been -

somewhere between up in the clouds and down in the gutter." He

smiled ruefully.

"So it was some kind of love note..to me?" Sirius

questioned, the pieces of the jigsaw beginning to fit together in

his head now. Remus nodded.

"What exactly did it say?" Sirius queried, not altogether sure that

he wanted to hear this.

"I'll let you read it yourself." Remus' cheeks were tinged a funny shade of pink. "It's a bit graphic, I think once you read it you'll understand why I was angry."

Sirius took the paper from Remus who was shifting uncomfortably in his

seat, afraid of what Sirius' response might be to the salacious

content of Harry's words. Taking a deep breath Sirius settled

himself to read.

`Sirius. Just four more days until the holidays, four more days

until I am in your arms. You'll be holding me close as I nuzzle your

neck, taking in that wonderful masculine scent that is specifically

you. Feeling your hands on my sides as you envelop me in your secure

embrace, whispering words of adoration into my ear, as we lay naked

in our bed. Your lips will capture mine in a tender kiss before your

tongue seeks entry into my mouth, tasting me and thrilling me. I'll

slide my tongue back into that sweet warmth of your own mouth and

electricity will bolt through me as I elicit a throaty groan from


`As I lace my hands through the ebony silk of your hair yours caress

my back, moving lower until they grip my buttocks, pulling me up

against you, letting me feel your engorged arousal against my hip. I

won't be able to prevent myself from shivering as I feel your cock

against me. This feeling alone has kept me going, thinking of us

together like this.

`You roll on top of me. Nothing feels so wonderful as giving myself

to you as I am now. You'll duck your head to kiss my neck, soft

butterfly kisses before you graze my tender flesh with your teeth,

soothing away the sensation with the delightful caress of your

tongue. I won't be able to stop myself from pressing up with my hips

and crying out from the pleasure of our erections colliding, sending

shock waves through both of our bodies.

`But you don't rush it, despite my eager pleas, you never do. You

always draw it out, teasing me, taking me to the edge of oblivion

but not letting me topple over, I hate it yet I love it, just as I

truly love you. Your mouth will find my nipples, suckling and

swirling, nipping and nibbling. You know how sensitive I am there,

my cock will be twitching but you'll steady my bucking hips with

your hand, making me wait.

`That wait will be so worthwhile as you tongue fuck my navel. The

sparse covering of hair on your beautiful chest feels so coarse

against my aching cock, pain mixed with pleasure, what a fatal

combination. But nothing compares to when you engulf me in your

skilled mouth. I'll not be able to hold back from mewling in utter

bliss as your clever tongue winds its way up and down my throbbing

shaft, then slides over my slit, tasting me, loving me.

`You'll twist your body so I can gain access to your own erection,

taking it firmly in my hand I'll match your pace. My grip will

tighten as you take me to that other level with a swipe of my balls

with your tongue. I'll come, white lava in your mouth, as you

yourself can't take anymore and shower my chest with the product of

our antics.

`My love for you is so strong Sirius I am now ready, ready to be

taken by you. I'm ready to give my soul and being to you, though

you've had my heart for as long as I've known you. My body is yours.

I want to lose my virginity, my innocence to you. When I come home

we'll make love, for we are in love.

Until then my darling, I adore you, Harry.'

Sirius dropped the parchment when he had finished reading it, his

brow creased he was so perplexed. Remus looked expectantly on,

scolding himself for ever thinking that this was really happening.

Sirius was a decent man, he wouldn't have been having such an

intense, lustful affair with Harry. They had a good relationship but

it was thoroughly platonic, wasn't it? He still found himself asking

the question even though his brain told him not to be so stupid. It

was just that Harry's letter had been so graphic, so real, it had

almost felt voyeuristic to read it.

"Say something Siri.." Remus eventually pleaded, not able to bear

the tension in the room any longer.

"I don't know what to say." The taller man replied shaking his head. "I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm shocked. And yes, I can understand why you came in here like some fruitcake who'd escaped from St. Mungos!"

"Why?" Remus found himself asking. "Why did he write it?"

Sirius snorted, not entirely sure if it was from horror or some amusement

at the strangeness of the mess he was seemingly in. Remus took this

to be a bad sign, when Sirius was in shock he had a tendency to

behave strangely, but not like most people who went quiet, no,

Sirius Black was a different story altogether. It was legendary that

he had laughed all of the way to Azkaban, despite there being

nothing remotely funny, just tragic.

"Well either it was a joke." He paused, sincerely hoping this was

the case, it would make life a lot easier! "Or, he has some major

teenage hormones going around his body and he has a mammoth crush on

me. And while I am well aware that I am irresistible," He winked at

Remus, "I didn't plan on having my godson wanking off over me!"

Remus couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his lips. It was what

they had needed, Sirius to make light of what truly was a dreadful

state of affairs.

"Let's look at this logically." Remus said, sounding as if he was

tutoring first year students. "If Harry really does feel this way

why would he hand it to me, because he knows I would show you.

However it may have been a complete accident and in a lapse of

thought he jotted down his most private thoughts on the back of his

homework. If of course it was a dare, you know what boys are like -

I mean you did send Lucius Malfoy a valentines card telling him you

wanted to rim him! - then the whole point was probably so we'd see

it and be horrified and they'll be laughing their heads off in

Gryffindor tower as we speak no doubt!"

Sirius nodded. "I need to know if it was a joke or not." His face

had become set in a determined stare. "I'll have to talk to him

about this - I do have to live with him. It's not like I can just

pretend I know nothing about it - not after reading what is probably

the most graphic thing I've read in my life! And some of the things

in PlayWizard are graphic!"

Remus grinned, that magazine had provided the two of them with great entertainment in the early days of their relationship when all things rude appealed!

"I can't possibly hand it back to him Sirius." Remus was shaking his

head, thinking out loud. "And I don't want to call him to my office

to discuss it, because if it is a joke I'm going to look like a

major prick and it'll be round the whole school that I'm some

virginal prude or something."

Sirius burst out laughing, pointing at his ex-lover. "Remus Lupin, you may look sweet and innocent but you're a kinky fucker!"

"Why thank you Padfoot but seriously, if it isn't a joke and I say something, well you know, it's obviously a very sensitive issue, and I'm sorry but I'm leaving this one to you.

I'll tell Harry I've lost the essay after I marked it and just

apologise to him."

Exhaling loudly Sirius spoke up, "So I'm basically going to just

have to bring this up on Saturday when he gets home?"

Remus held the bridge of his nose thoughtfully. "If I was you I'd show him the

letter, let him know you've got it and see what he has to say about

it, don't push him, his reaction will tell you what you need to

know. You've been such a great role model to him this last year

Sirius, I know you'll deal with it admirably."

Sirius blushed at the praise yet balked inside at the prospect of speaking with Harry. Who

would have known that raising other people's children could be so difficult!

Yawning Remus stood up. "I've got Harry's class first thing so I'd

better be going Sirius. I'm so sorry about all of this, particularly

the way I behaved."

Sirius shrugged. "It's forgotten, I can fully understand the way it looked." He pulled his werewolf friend into a brotherly hug before seeing him back off through the fireplace. What exactly was he meant to do about this? His mind was reeling as he padded up the stairs to his bedroom and after removing what he was wearing slipped between the soft, cool sheets.

He'd picked up the letter and read it once again by candlelight,

seeing if reading it over would provide him with any answers. Sirius

was horrified to feel a twinge in his groin, this was wrong; he shouldn't be turned on by his own godson! But he was.

Harry's erotic words were sending blood surging to his penis and it made no

difference that his brain thought this was wrong, his cock was

adamant that this was very right thank you very much!

Sirius was shocked to find himself imagining doing just as the love

note had depicted, Harry naked, submitting to him, willingly

offering his body. He heard a noise and then realised it was

himself, whimpering, and his hand had wrapped around his hardened

cock and was stroking, languidly and longingly.

His orgasm brought him ecstasy and release, but with it guilt and

sadness. What kind of sad individual had he become? Thirty eight

years of age and masturbating over a hormonal sixteen year olds

scribblings. Scribblings which probably had no real meaning in them.

That was what Sirius hated the most, felt the greatest guilt about.

He wanted there to be meaning. He wanted someone to need him, to

find him attractive, to love him in that way again.

Downstairs with Remus, thoughts of anything sexual with Harry were out of the

question, but alone in his room it had now become a different

matter. It wasn't perverted, he told himself, if he loved Harry and

the feelings were reciprocated how could it be? It could be


Deep down Sirius knew he was being ridiculous and the likelihood was

that Harry would be giggling away at Hogwarts at the mere thought of

the shock they'd have given to meek and mild Remus, who as Sirius

knew better than anyone, was far from the image the majority of

people perceived him as. Sighing he flung his head back against his

pillow and blew out his candle, why could nothing in life be easy,

just for once?

Sleep wasn't going to come quickly tonight. He'd tossed and turned,

pulled the covers up higher, flung them down, had been up and down

to the toilet, even counted snitches but nothing seemed to be


"Shit!" He spat into the empty darkness. "Fucking shit!" He

was shocked to feel dampness on his pillow as he turned over and

became conscious of the silent tears spilling forth from his eyes.

Peter Pettigrew and Azkaban had ruined his life. Killed his best

friend. Killed his relationship with Remus who he had loved with all

of his heart. Killed a part of him.

The damage done seemed to be beyond repair and he'd resigned himself to a life of celibacy, but

that wasn't what he wanted, what he needed to heal. He just ended up

hurting himself and Remus when they had tried to piece things

together again, both acknowledging thirteen years of pain and misery

were not going to dissolve into nothing overnight. But now he was

ready to be loved again, to love someone, if only that someone would

let him. "Harry" He whispered to the surrounding air as sleep

finally released him from his anguish.


"Erm Professor Lupin?" Harry asked his teacher when Remus was

handing out the essays he'd been marking the previous night. The

werewolf stifled a yawn, not having slept terribly well due to the

events of yesterday evening.

"Yes Harry?" He desperately hoped he wasn't blushing; he was unable to make eye contact with the boy for he was too embarrassed so appeared to be shuffling his notes.

"I've not got mine back."

Remus looked up briefly, trying to act confused,praying Harry wouldn't know that he knew, feeling as if he had a

pink neon sign on his head flashing `I know you want to fuck my ex-


"Oh really?" He heard his voice shake, the lie not coming out

easily. "I marked it, I specifically remember it - vampires,

boggarts and dementors. Six out of ten." Harry frowned, usually he

got full marks or just below. This was his best subject, supposedly.

How could he ever defeat Voldemort as everyone expected him to when

he couldn't write a simple essay? He knew the answer, he couldn't

concentrate and it was driving him mad!

"Sorry that I appear to have lost it Harry, I'll send it to Sirius if I find it after we break


There that hadn't been too painful, and it made it look

slightly less conspicuous why Sirius would have the essay. Of course

Harry wasn't stupid, Remus knew, and it would be obvious that both

himself and Sirius knew. Jumping suddenly he realised he was

rambling in his head rather than teaching. "Page 53 class."


Harry sat very quietly on the train journey to Kings Cross. How was

he ever going to manage the next few months? He'd always dreaded the

holidays when he lived with the Dursley's and now he found himself

dreading spending time with Sirius. Yet at the same time he couldn't

think of anything he wanted more. Harry closed his eyes, just

wishing it could be easier, that he could tell Sirius and everything

would be ok, but he could never do that. Never in a million years.

He'd sooner be Avada Kedavrad by Voldermort than confess his love,

he was too ashamed.

"Harry!" Hermione shook him sounding worried. He opened his eyes,

pulled back to a reality he didn't want to face. Perhaps if he just

closed his eyes he could dream, but that's all it could ever be, a

vision. "You're awfully quiet. Are you feeling ok? It isn't your

scar is it?"

Sighing he shook his head. "No, just a little bit tired." It was always his scar, all everyone thought about. Famous, wonderful, miserable Boy That Lived!

Everyone went on about how super and fabulous he was. So then why

didn't he ever feel wonderful? His parents were killed, he grew up

feeling like Oliver Twist, not daring to ask for anymore. It had

been verging on child abuse! Came to Hogwarts where he felt like the

token novelty, there to be gaped at and suspected of all things dark

and dangerous just because he had so happened to be `lucky' and

survived. There was nothing lucky about being an orphan and never

having been loved properly in his life. And Sirius loved him, he

just craved more, he needed that love to surround him, encompass his

very being.


Harry had only been in the house long enough to put his stuff away

for the summer and to have a snack but he could feel something was

wrong. Sirius looked, was it nervous? "Is everything alright Sirius?

You're acting strangely, is something up?" Sirius nearly laughed at

the connotations of Harry's innocent statement. His cock was up, all

the time. The more he thought about it the more it enveloped him so

he couldn't escape! The desire for Harry absolutely phenomenal. And

looking at his godson now, slim but well defined, Sirius knew if

Harry really did want this he could never refuse.

Taking a deep breath he knew it was now or never. "Well there is

something that is slightly concerning me." The longer haired man

said. "Remus found your essay and.."

Harry interrupted. "I'll not do it again, I promise." He said in a disinterested drone. Sirius felt

shocked, and if he was honest deeply disappointed too. He'd

convinced himself that Harry did feel the way he'd written of and

here was the teenager speaking of the most evoking piece of writing

ever as if it was as mundane as one of Professor Binns' classes!

"I know six out of ten is crap and that I can do better, spare me

the lecture, Remus has already given me it." Sirius' mouth twisted.

Did Harry not realise what Sirius had really been meaning? Or was

Harry still playing some joke? After all he was James' son, he had

to have the prank gene, a top quality one at that. Sirius'

confidence plummeted, he'd known this wouldn't be easy but it felt


"Harry the mark isn't the end of the world; we all do crap as you

put it so eloquently sometimes. Even Remus, though he'd kill me for

telling you! I think he was rather proud of the fact that he did all

the homework and pulled the pranks."

Harry raised an eyebrow, Sirius had always teased Remus for being a swot! "But you and Dad got better marks at school - I heard McGonagall saying."

Sirius nodded. "It's true - and it wasn't fair really. Poor Remy did all

the groundwork so that we did our homework and then we got better

marks in the end. If he hadn't been a werewolf he'd have been top of

our year Harry, he just was so ill back in those days from the

transformations that he missed out on a lot."

Sirius realised he had changed the subject and thought it best if he

pulled himself together and went back on track. "Harry it wasn't the

mark. It was something on the back of the paper." He handed the

parchment to his apparently bewildered godson. Either Harry was a

good actor and was rivalling the Weasley twins for this hoax or he

genuinely didn't know what was on the back of his homework.

Suddenly the tousle haired wizard gasped, his hand shooting to his

mouth. Sirius had his answer. This had been private thoughts, very

intimate, personal thoughts. In a way he felt bad knowing about

them, similar to how Remus had done, yet in another way he was

delighted that he did know, if it meant that things could happen, if

it could be the starting point of a beautiful relationship then no

harm had been done.

Sirius was just about to speak when Harry fled from the room,

pounding up the stairs in floods of tears. His godfather sunk onto

one of the kitchen chairs. Perhaps he hadn't dealt with this as well

as he could. Maybe he'd have been better not to tell Harry about the

letter they'd discovered and should have probed him a little to test

the waters rather than plundering on like a bull in a china shop! He

could hear Harry's sobbing from downstairs and it hurt in his chest,

his heart aching for the boy he loved dearly. He couldn't just leave

him to cry like this, he would have to go to him.

"Harry?" Sirius popped his head around the door, almost timidly. "Oh

Harry." He bit his lip, seeing the younger man hugging his knees up

to his body, face buried between them. "Can I talk to you?" Sirius

slowly crossed the room and lowered himself onto the bed beside

Harry. The sagging of the mattress caused the sobbing boy to look

up, shame and hurt in his emerald eyes, his glasses having been

flung down on the bedside table. He reached out to touch Harry's

knee, the loud wailing having ceased but silvery tears still

streaking down Harry's delicate cheekbones.

Harry jerked his leg to the side hissing in a choked voice "Don't!

You hate me now! You don't want me here! You're going to send me

back to them! To the Dursleys!"

At that moment Sirius wanted nothing more than to bundle Harry into a warm embrace and brush away his tears. "Oh Harry, why would I want to do that now?" His voice was

gentle, softer than Harry had heard him use before.

"Because I'm sick and perverted and the one person who has ever wanted me since

Mum and Dad died has reason to hate me now!" He sobbed.

"I'm not going to send you back, and I don't hate you silly."

Harry looked up doubtfully. "I hate myself." He confessed, meeting Sirius'

gaze momentarily before averting it. "I'm sorry Sirius." He

moaned, "I've really messed up haven't I? You must think I'm weird."

Sirius shook his head. "No. I just think you're unhappy and need to

talk about it. Come here." He held his arms open to his godson, who

hesitated for a few seconds before crawling to Sirius. "Just have a

cry - it'll do you good."

Harry rested his head against Sirius' broad chest, feeling his heart

beating. He couldn't believe Sirius still was willing to touch him, let

alone cuddle him, stroking his manic hair, rubbing gentle circles on

his back, whispering soothingly in his ear. "Why do you still care

about me?" He asked shakily to the older man.

"Because I love you. Do you want to talk about it?" Harry thought for a moment before

nodding slowly.

"I just feel like I've never been really wanted. I mean yeah my

friends like me and stuff but not even Ron fully understands.

Merlin, he's jealous of my `celebrity status', and I'd do anything

to just be me, not Harry Potter, saviour of the Wizarding World!"

Sirius didn't interrupt just gave Harry and encouraging


"Everyone assumes they know me because of what happened when

I was only a baby. I just want people to let me be myself. There are

so many expectations and I'm just me inside, and I'm scared. All I

want is to be wanted and loved." He sniffled.

"I understand, more than you probably think. Everyone thinks they

know about me. Just because I was framed for a crime I didn't

commit. I know what it's like when people whisper about you in the

street, stare at you as if you're a novelty when in reality they

know nothing about the person, just the image that we get portrayed


Harry nodded. "That's exactly how I feel. It's as if I'm on

show all of the time and nobody lets me be myself and that's what I

want more than anything else in the world."

Sirius was still stroking the spiky black locks. "I know everyone

wants me to defeat Voldemort, save the world, have the life of a

celebrity, get married have kids - they want me to be someone who

I'm not!"

"In what way Harry?" Sirius felt he had to ask. "Well

isn't it obvious, I'm going to be thought of as a total disgrace!

How the hell am I meant to kill the most powerful wizard ever and

top it off with this - I'm gay!"

"I kind of worked that one out for myself." Sirius smiled

wryly. "Honestly Harry though, about Voldemort, you're wrong about

it. Nobody is expecting you to do anything, hell you've done more

than enough already. But there is a connection between yourself and

him, you'd be the first to admit it which is why you're so

instrumental. You're not alone though, you don't have to bear the

weight of the world on your shoulders, not at your age. We're all

there with you every step of the way, nobody expects anything of

you. I don't anyhow. We all know you'll do what you can and that is

more than we can ask of you." Harry gave a small nod, it felt good

to talk about his problems rather than keeping them bottled up.

"So when did you realise you were gay?" Harry had now freed himself

from Sirius and was propped up against his pillows, eyes now dry but

his face red and puffy.

"About a year ago I think." He wrung his hands nervously.

"There's nothing wrong in being gay Harry, you

can't help the way you feel. I learnt that when I was fifteen. I

thought everyone would think I was a freak. And yes some bigots did,

but that's what they are Harry, bigots, they don't understand that

it feels right for people like us and that it isn't what we choose,

it is what we are."

"I'm pleased you understand, I felt thoroughly isolated." A hint of

a smile appeared on Harry's face, he felt acceptance. "The others in

the dorm were starting to talk about breasts and sex and all sorts

and here is me thinking about manly chests and arses!" He couldn't

help but give a small giggle.

"Nothing wrong with a nice firm bum Harry." Sirius grinned, the tension had disappeared and they were now totally at ease with each other.

"I just figured I preferred guys to girls - I'd never told anyone though - well apart from you.

Well I didn't tell you, you found out." He mumbled, embarrassed

about the letter.

"Harry." Sirius sighed, not wanting the atmosphere to descend once

again. "About the letter. Why did you write it?"

Harry shrugged and blushed. "Nobody was meant to read it - Remus must think I'm a


Sirius shook his head and smiled sympathetically. "Remus

thought I was a nutter and came and had a go at me for shagging you -

which I put him straight about. But Remus knows what it's like to

be sixteen and confused about your sexuality, and he knows more than

anyone that fitting in for who you are isn't easy. He doesn't think

any less of you. And I for one think more of you that we're having

this conversation."

"Do you not feel angry with me - I mean does it not disgust you that

I thought of you like that?" Harry stammered.

"I'm flattered that you find me attractive if I'm honest." Sirius admitted with a tint

of pink coming to his own cheeks.

"I really do." Harry found himself saying. "I know I shouldn't and that it's not moral and you're a lot older than me but I feel like I connect to you like with nobody

else. Can we just forget about it all, because I know you'll never

want me like that. I can cope with that, I'm just pleased you still

care about me as my godfather."

Sirius couldn't fail to miss the desolate tone of Harry's voice. It would be so easy to just tell

Harry that he did feel the same and wanted it just as much, but it

would come out all wrong, he had to be certain this was what Harry

wanted and needed otherwise it would wreck their relationship, which

was too much to loose.

"It's alright to have a crush on me Harry, I don't find it

offensive." Sirius offered, feeling out of his depth now.

"It's more than a crush!" Harry blurted out before he could stop

himself. "Every time I close my eyes all I see is you, you're all I

want, and maybe I'm weird but it feels right. I can't concentrate

because all I think about is you! I thought at first maybe it was

because you understand me and because you're gay too but now I know

it's more than that. I love you Sirius, and not just platonically.

There I've said it. The letter wasn't a one off. Yes, I have lived

in my own fantasy world because it kept me going Sirius! I'm so


The truth just ran off his tongue, no longer caged up


Sirius was horrified as tears began tumbling from Harry's green orbs

once again. He hadn't expected Harry to be so upfront but as he

pulled Harry into his arms once more he realised that Harry was just

bubbling with emotion that had been locked up inside and now it was

like Pandora's box, unable to stop pouring out, not mattering

whether it was good or bad.

"Sweetheart, I love you more than I can say, honestly I do and I

know what you mean about wanting to be loved. I feel like I had

everything and everyone taken away from me and I've felt so low that

I was convinced I'd never be loved again."

"I love you." Harry murmured, a glimmer of hope in his words.

"I know that now Harry, but this isn't easy. I have to protect you, make sure that you're

alright. I can't just say `right let's be together' because it could

be detrimental to you. Do you understand that?" He tilted Harry's

chin up to look at him and just melted at the sorrowful eyes.

"I do want it Siri, it's all I want. I can see you want it too." He

said hopefully. "Don't you?"

Sirius felt his head nodding without conscious effort. "Harry, my love, I do but you're so important to me I don't know if it would be wrong." He could tell he was

wavering, giving into his heart even though his brain kept telling

him to put Harry first. But Harry wanted this too, he wasn't just

thinking of himself. Harry was miserable and the only thing it

appeared that would make Harry happy was to have him.

"How can it be wrong when it feels right to both of us?" Harry questioned, reaching

out to stroke Sirius' cheek.

The touch, which was feather light, sent shivers through Sirius'

body. Indeed, he thought to himself, how could it be so wrong? "Can

we give it a try?" Harry asked with pleading eyes which Sirius just

could not refuse. Nodding his head, giving into his heart and his

desires Sirius gently tugged Harry into his lap, just holding him

close and caressing his back.

"So long as you're sure Harry, I want this desperately, but you come first, and if you're not happy just tell me, I never want to see you this hurt again."

"You won't." Harry whispered as his nose met Sirius', nuzzling

against the pale skin, drowning in the scent of the man he truly

loved, feeling complete as their lips grazed each other for the

first time in the most chaste of kisses. Harry tangled a hand into

Sirius' silken locks as he pressed his small lips to the fuller ones

of his godfather. Harry's mouth felt thoroughly delectable against

his own, heat radiating from the sweet lips and Sirius didn't even

attempt to suppress the small moan as Harry nervously parted his

lips with his tongue.

Their tongues twisted slowly together, tasting and learning the

contours of one another's mouths, drawing small groans of pleasure

from both of them. Eventually Harry pulled back and looked deep into

Sirius' oceanic eyes. "You're so beautiful Harry." He said, heart

leaping at the trusting expression on Harry's porcelain face.

"That felt wonderful." Harry gasped, breathless from the intensity of the

kiss. "Are you sure about this Sirius?" He had to ask, terrified

he'd got so close to his dream to have it snatched away.

"Certain. Let's just take it one day at a time." He kissed Harry's nose. "And

I hope everyday it feels as wonderful as this." They'd both finally

found their place, as themselves.


Yes yes, you're all vomiting from the sickliness - i always struggle

with the last line - the first and last line are always the hardest

to write!

Hope some of you enjoyed it anyhow