The Fritos of Wrath

Chapter Eight: Don't Forget to Bring Your Toothbrush

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Evilmini: Okay, we spent way too much money on that freak! Now I want you to fire him!

BurasMew: What? ME? Why me?

Evilmini: You hire 'em; you fire 'em.

BM: What? NO!

Evilmini: Please?

BM: NO! You do it!

Evilmini: No habla ingles!

BM: What?

Evilmini: Cual es tu actor favorito?

BM: What the………?

Evilmini: Mi actor favorito es Mike Myers!

BM: Stop it!

Evilmini: Ei! Chotto ni! Tomodachi wa darou ka?

BM: What? Japanese?

Evilmini: Hai! Anata wa Nihongo i masen ka?

BM: NO!

Evilmini: Onegai! ONEGAI SHIMASUUUUU!

BM: You are the one who wants him gone!

Narrator: (walks in) Who wants who gone?

Evilmini: Um………w-we were just talking about………

BM: About?

Evilmini: About getting rid of………

BM: Of?

Evilmini: That guy from………from………um………Sora! Getting rid of Sora!

BM: WHAT! NOOOOO!

Evilmini: Um, yes! I think we should! (whispers to Myu) Sorry, first name to pop into my head!

Narrator: Well, that's an interesting idea.

Evilmini: The script is right over there. (points) Look at it.

Narrator: (turns) Oka—

BLAM!

BM: OMG!

Evilmini: Heh! (holds 2x4………that's a plank of wood) Heh! I got rid of him! Now, let us move on with the story, shall we?

BM: . . .

Evilmini: Good.

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Rufus: Is everything set up?

Prof. Hojo: Yeah, just one thing missing…

Rufus: What?

Prof. Hojo: The hosts of the party!

Rufus: Oh, yeah…

Prof. Hojo: They are supposed to be the one's setting up for this Evil Villain Sleep Over, not US!

Rufus: We even had to make the invitations.

Prof. Hojo: Damn you Cloud! DAMN YOU SEPHIROTH! (grabs a pill bottle)

Rufus: Whoa there! What's that for now?

Hojo: My ulcer…you know…stress…it's in a pill form now…I invented it myself…

Rufus: I'm sure you did. (turns away and checks off stuff on a list) Red streamer—check, black streamer—check…

Hojo: What is that supposed to mean? I am a world-renowned scientist!

Rufus: You make steroids Hojo!

Hojo: Jenova cells are not steroids! They are herbal supplements I tell you! HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS!

Rufus: Drugs are drugs Hojo! Don't act like you don't remember your little hospital visit!

Hojo: It was just a check up!

Rufus: Of course it was, if your idea of a check up is two months of intensive care for an OD on "herbal supplements"!

Hojo: It was not an OD!

Rufus: Sure…and the name Hojo isn't gay.

Hojo: It's not! It means support or aid….assistance and stuff in Japanese…

Rufus: That's a crappy name…

Hojo: NO! You are the crappy one! (pops a pill)

Rufus: Hey! Stop it! I don't trust those "pills" of yours…

Hojo: Lighten up…want one?

Rufus: NOOO!

--The kitchen door opens revealing Jenova in a 50's housewife dress complete with high heels, a string of pearls, flipped out hair, and a platter of party snacks.

Jenova: Anyone hungry?

Rufus & Hojo: O.o…Jenova?

Jenova: That's Mrs. Jenova to you…(giggle)

Rufus: Rrrright…maybe you could be Mrs. Hojo…translated to be Mrs. Assistant… HAHAHAAA!

Hojo: Shut up!

Jenova: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OR YOU SHALL FEAR MY REIGN! (ahem) Lemon squares? You two have just been working sooo hard…my little Sephie will appreciate it…

Rufus & Hojo: Oo…rrrright….

Jenova: I am just going to go into the kitchen and magic up some more snacks for Sephie's little party! I do hope he gets home soon. His friends will be here any minute.

Rufus: Okay "Mrs. Jenova"…

--She exits.

Hojo: Psssst…

Rufus: What?

Hojo: (whispers loudly) Where'd her tail go?

Rufus: Huh?

Hojo: (wh. loud.) Her tail! Where did it go?

Rufus: Huh?

Hojo: (w. l.) And all the tubes and stuff! Where'd they go?

Rufus: How the hell should I know? And why are you whispering?

Hojo: (w. l.) …I don't know…

--MEANWHILE…

Sephiroth: See this katana?

Miss Prissy: Yes sir! (screams)

Sephiroth: Now, it is the most suggestive katana in the world…it's grows when I swing it hard enough…care to try?

Miss Pretty: Oooo! Me first!

SLASH!

BLOOD!

Miss Prissy: AAAAHH! You killed Miss Pretty!

Sephiroth: (rips off the tea party hat on his head) Shut up!

Miss Prissy: AAAAAAHH!

Sephiroth: It puts the acid on its tongue!

Miss Prissy: You want me to drink acid?

Sephiroth: Well…yes…

Miss Prissy: NO!

Sephiroth: Or else it gets the katana like Miss Pretty again…

Miss Prissy: (drinks) WHAAA! (gulp gulp gulp)

Sephiroth: HAHAHAAA! Stupid…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

--He leaves the creepy Tea House and goes down the path where Cloud had gone. He enters the Drag Queen Bar…

Sephiroth: What the hell! CLOUD! Where are you!

Cloud: (runs to him wearing a skirt and wig) SEPHIROTH! SAVE ME!

Sephiroth: What happened to you?

Cloud: What happened to you?

Sephiroth: Never mind the Tea Party dress…I know I look like Alice in Wonderland in Drag…

Cloud: Never say the word "drag" again! (pauses) RUN!

--A stampede of creepy drag queens screaming CLOUD run towards them.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

--Meanwhile…Sora and Riku sit in Sora's room thinking of a plan…since they ditched the dim-wits Tidus and Kairi.

Riku: Sooo, what should we do?

Sora: I'm not sure…wanna look at my foot again?

Riku: No!

Sora: Are you sure?

Riku: Stop saying that!

Sora: Wanna make out?

Riku: NO!

Sora: You sure?

Riku: I'm not GAY!

Sora: You seem a little obsessed with me…

Riku: …

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Riku: Anyway…I think we should try to second-guess this Mysterious Man's moves…

Sora: How?

Riku: Think like a villain!

Sora: How?

Riku: I know, let's go to Sephiroth's house! He's a villain! He's sure to help…

Sora: How?

Riku: He's a villain.

Sora: How?

Riku: Cause he killed people…a lot…

Sora: How?

Riku: With his magic katana that suggestively grows when you swing it really hard…

Sora: How?

Riku: I don't know it's magic…

Sora: …

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Riku: Moving on…let's go!

Sora: Where?

Riku: To Sephiroth's house…

Sora: Where?

Riku: Over on 3rd Avenue…

Sora: Where?

Riku: Between 2nd and 4th Avenue! Now let's get going!

Sora: Where?

Riku: Stop it!

Sora: Why?

Riku: Because I said so!

Sora: …

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Sora: Wanna look at my foot again?

Riku: NO!

Sora: Wanna make out?

Riku: …

Sora: …

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Riku: …

Sora: …

Riku: Sure…

Sora: Seriously?

Riku: Um…sure…

--Make out scene ensues…MEANWHILE…back at Sephiroth's house…

Seymour: (monotone) Oh no. Where are they? It is terrible. They are supposed to be here. It is their party. Why are they not present? If only they were present…

Reno: SHUT UP! Jesus you queer…

Seymour: Ring the doorbell…someone must ring the doorbell…it is imperative that a doorbell is rung to allow entry into this fine…

Reno: SHUT UP! (rings doorbell)

Seymour: I thank you my disillusioned friend. For we now, are one step closer to opening the gateway…the gateway of the sleepover party…

Reno: Gah!

--The door opens…

Rufus: Oh, hi…he invited you? Jesus…next thing you know Ansem will be walking up to the doorstep…

Ansem: Hey guys? Am I early?

Rufus: No…grrr right on time…I guess…come in…

--The three of them walk into the amply decorated living room. The streamers and balloons are red, blue, and black. And there is a huge table of food.

Seymour: What dear sustenance! I feel that eating these delectables would be rather enjoyable. Would anyone care to join me? Yuna?

Rufus: Yuna's not here…she's dead.

Seymour: Oh, really…well then…off to the finger foods…perhaps I might drown my sorrows…

Reno: Is Yuna really dead?

Rufus: No…I just wondered how much emotion he'd be able to show.

Reno: Just don't try to make him laugh. He made me listen to song parodies all the fucking way here and kept laughing at the dumbest shit!

Rufus: What a mouth you have?

Reno: Well I'm fuckin' loosing it here! The man is crazy! Have you heard him laugh Rufus! (grabs Rufus's lapels) HAVE YOU HEARD HIM LAUGH!

Rufus: Um…no…(pushes Reno off) Finger foods?

Reno: GAH! (eats)

--Emerging from the kitchen…

Hojo: Guess what everybody!

Reno: Fuck…

Hojo: No, even better…

Seymour: But what could possibly be better than a good—

Ansem: Ahem!

Seymour: In the—

Ansem: AHEM!

Hojo: This! (holds up a platter) They are my newest invention!

Rufus: Hojo….

Hojo: No, no, no, they are safe and totally natural! Jenova-bites!

Rufus: HOJO!

Hojo: They are all natural health snacks that taste great and give you that extra boost of energy.

Rufus: Extra boost my—

Ansem: AHEM….

Hojo: Anyone want a Jenova-bite?

Rufus: NO!

Seymour: They look simply inTOXicating…

Rufus: Rrrright…listen Hojo, I don't care what you do with your own body…but please don't distribute this to others.

Seymour: (munch) Wow! (twitches) It is simply (twitch) the best (twitch) the bbbbest (twitch) OMG! It's the best fucking thing I have ever tasted! It's like the party isn't out here! But it is totally in my mouth somewhere! O M G!

Rufus: Fuck! Hojo! That is not natural!

Seymour: OMG! Can I have some more?

Rufus: NO!

Hojo: It is all-natural!

Rufus: Then why does he have expression in his voice and he's talking right to the point! Riddle me that Hojo! RIDDLE ME THAT!

Hojo: Leave me alone Rufus! It's not like you never developed an illegal drug and distributed it out to the masses…

Rufus: …

Hojo: …

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Rufus: You dumb—

Ansem: Ahem…

Reno: Stop bleeping out everything!

Seymour: (munch) kjahdflahflakfjaflakfa; kjdaoyiqrAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Rufus: Dammit Hojo!

Hojo: MUAHAHAAAA!

Reno: Gah!

Ansem: At least he's not laughing…yet…

Reno: Don't say yet you—

Ansem: Ahem…

Reno: GAH!

Seymour: (munch) Ehemehehemhehemehehe!

Reno: NO! Oh god no! Not the laugh!

Ansem: It's almost funny…

Hojo: I just warn you…if he starts to get a little shiny…run…

Rufus: They're side effects, Hojo?

Hojo: Well…no…yes…no…maybe…

Rufus: HOJO! I told you! No more DRUGS!

Hojo: Herbal supplement!

Ansem: You know…there just might be a way to cure him…

Reno: (mocking) Oh…I'm a scholar! I know everything! I study Heartless's! Look at me! I can save the day cause I have a tan!

Ansem: SHUT UP!

Rufus: How do we fix him then?

Ansem: Um…I forgot now…

Seymour: (sings) Watashi wa oshiire o dete, mado o ake-masu!

Hojo: (takes a bite) Whhat?

Rufus: Not you too!

Hojo: Whhat?

Rufus: I said, 'not you too!'

Hojo: Whhat?

Rufus: NOT YOU TOO!

Hojo: Huh?

Rufus: NOT YOU TOOOO!

Hojo: Ookay!

Reno: Damn you Dave Chapelle! DAMN YOU!

Rufus: Where's Sephiroth? I am going to kill myself!

Ansem: It'll be okay…

Seymour: Soto no mado ni tonde!

Reno: What the hell?

Rufus: He said, "I come out of the closet, and open the window…I fly out of the window."

Reno: Oh…is that all…

Rufus: I hate you.

Reno: Sorry, he's just really pissing me off.

Seymour: I am a Spartan! Oh! OMG! You got to dance! Odotte!

Reno: GAH!

--Just then, and not a minute too soon, a knock at the door…

Rufus: Hello? What the—

Riku: Is my secretly biological father here?

Rufus: Who? Sephiroth? No.

Riku: Damn…

Rufus: Are you here for the party?

Sora: What party?

Riku: Shut up! Um…sure…

Rufus: Well, then, I guess you can wait here for him. I don't know when they'll get here, no one knows. Come on in.

Sora: Yay!

Riku: Shut up…

Rufus: Everybody shut up! We have two new guests…what are your names again?

Riku: I'm Riku and this is Sora…

Rufus: Riku and Sora, this is Reno, Seymore, Ansem, and Prof. Hojo.

Riku: Um, hi…

Sora: Hello!

Rufus: If you want some food, there's some snacks on that table over there…but what ever you do, don't eat anything that Hojo's got.

Hojo: Whhat!

Rufus: You stupid—

Ansem: Ahem…

Riku: Right…

TO BE CONTINUED….

BurasMew: Wow that was long…

Evilmini86: Um…so?

BurasMew: You wanna fight?

Evilmini86: Not really… you wanna donut?

BurasMew: SURE!

go out for donuts

THE END