Warnings/notes : Rociel/Katan, Rociel + Alexiel, Rociel pov, hints at sex
Disclaimer : I don't own Angel Sanctuary.
written at 15th august 2003, by Misura in a rather depressed mood
"Katan ... " I whisper his name like a prayer.
In a way, it is.
I feel like I'm drowning, falling, while he's the only one who can save me, the only one I can trust not to let me down.
"Rociel-sama." There is pity in his voice.
Normally I'd have hated him for that, yet now I welcome it, accepting it for a sign of his unconditional love for me.
He doesn't understand me, such is impossible for him, but he does his best.
When I hurt, he suffers as well.
When I rejoice, his face lights up too.
Tonight though, I need him to be himself, to remain strong. Because I am weak, too weak to bear this defeat on my own. Yes, I admit it.
Alexiel ... I wish I could truly, deeply hate you.
As truly and deeply as Katan loves me.
"Please, let me hold you."
I mean, of course, that I want him to hold me. Which he does, even if his arms encircle my waist only lightly, as if he's afraid to break me.
With a soft sigh, I lay my head against his shoulder, allowing my body to lean on his.
After a while, he starts to relax. He doesn't talk, doesn't ask what's wrong. It's the way I want it.
He takes me as I am, without questions or doubts. Not a word of protest passes his lips as I start to run my hands through his hair, or up and down his body, to feel the warmth of his skin below the thin fabric of his clothes.
I shouldn't be doing this.
His lips are pliant enough when mine brush against them, softly at first then more firmly.
I shouldn't be kissing him.
Yet I do.
I shouldn't unbutton his shirt to be able to see his naked skin, to touch it.
Yet I do.
Maybe, he shouldn't respond by removing my clothing too, though really, how could I object?
I started this, after all ; no turning back now.
It would hurt him to stop now, I know it would.
Still, won't proceeding hurt him even more?
He does not live in my heart as *she* does, does not fill my dreams, my mightmares as *she* does. I want him, yes, but not ... not for real.
I want him now, but tomorrow, this feeling will have passed.
"Katan." His name.
He smiles, lips and eyes filled with light.
The power I hold over him scares me some times, pleases me at others.
"Rociel-sama." My name, spoken with more love than I ever deserved.
I revel in it. This single moment I can believe in us, can forget about *her*.
The light that shines from within him overflows, until we both bathe in its glory.
I hear him call my name again, both far away and closer than he has ever been.
Because he is me and I am him and there is nothing between us anymore.
Nothing except the name that falls from my lips when the last wave of light rolls over me, leaving us both panting and empty in its wake.
I try to hold it back, knowing I can't.
Knowing I'm damned.
Knowing I'll only drag him down with me.
Katan ... it should have been you.
I'm too selfish to wish you to forget me.