Coffee and playstation just don't mix
Fuji: "Yay! We have been adopted! As someone's favourite story! We don't really deserve it, you know… And look Riki we got more reviews!"
Riki: "Well… Because you like us SO much, we give you coffee and brownies."
Fuji: "Here. And sorry about the delay…Would you believe if I would tell that we were kidnapped by flying frog-like aliens?"
Riki: "No one is that stupid…"
Fuji: "How about school work?"
Riki: "All of us know that you just sleep there."
Fuji: "OK…I'm sorry. I just completely forgot (honestly that's the truth). There is about 563 errors in the text, but we mostly write this stuff night time, so be understanding… Guess what we actually could hold our promise this is still rated as pg-13!"
Riki holds a big sign that says: YAOI/ SLASH / SHOUNEN AI WARNING
Riki: Yes we are getting worse, now we are writing even hints of gay stuff…
Fuji: …Is it so bad thing?
"Hi all folks!! I'm this story's narrator and probably the most important person in this fic…"
Riki: "Since when we did have –narrator's note-, huh?"
Tenrai: "…Since now! …Please…! I'm an old man, give me something!"
Riki: "aww… That cute grandpa looks… Will we let him keep that narrators note …please?"
Fuji: "Okay! Whatever, can I HAVE coffee…?"
Tenrai: "Do you know that coffee is unhealthy?"
Fuji: "Don't try your luck old man! You don't want anything to go broken in that age!"
Tenrai: "Jeesh…! Grumpy!"
Riki: "Fuji really isn't a morning person…"
Tenrai: "…Fine! Nice, thanks, shut your mouth and bye bye!!"
Fuji and Riki shuts up.
Tenrai: "Welllll…, I really don't, have anyyything… to say. This is a little step for them, but a giant leap for my world domination!!! (Laughs very evilly for five seconds until he almost choked on his own saliva, coughs, about ten seconds) …And, now… on with the story…"
-Lady of the memory-card-
The gang is still in school.
Fuji is hanging on the lamp on the ceiling above the mine field as Riki is trying to make Fuji loose her grip of it by throwing all kind of things towards her, like; ceramic vases, some books, paintings, Fuji's thermos bottle(which she grabs), more paintings, teachers desk, Izayoi(which she catches too).
Fuji: "I'm sorry Riki. Please let me come down."
Riki: "Sure come down so I can…"
Riki grabs Onikage and tries to throw him, but Onikage stops her.
Onikage: "Calm down… We can do something way more interesting those hands of yours…"
Riki calms down and Fuji comes down and gives the Izayoi back to Rikimaru.
Fuji: Thank you Onikage, you saved my life!
Tatsu: Well that's another thing you don't hear very often.
Tatsu places his hand to Onikage's shoulder. Onikage throws it away and
says: Dude I am NOT like that…
(Performs a little Onikage is SO hetero, big baddie dance. (Looks a lot like Onikage-is-a-hottie-dance.)
Riki: We have to find the memory-card. (Tries hard not to look at Oni.)
Tenrai whispers outside their hearing: The fellowship of the memory-card is born…!
Tatsu: We have to go separate ways that we can search it from a wider area.
Tenrai whispers outside their hearing: The fellowship is broken… Who writes this shit…!
F&R: WE DO!... and some dead guy named Tolkien.
Tenrai: I could have a word with him…
Fuji: Kiku, Ayame and Onikage… Stay here.
Fuji: All you can do is create troubles!
Fuji: Tatsu, Riki, come with me.
Rikimaru: What about me?
Fuji: …You can come with us or stay here with them. You can choose.
Rikimaru: So my alternatives are you or Onikage? Why can't I ever have any good options?
Kiku: "That's how the things are in this world, little one…"
Rikimaru: "…?! I choose Fuji and the rest…"
Rikimaru walks to them.
Onikage: "Don't you worry Rikimaru; I CAN take care of the ladies…"
Riki slaps Onikage and Ayame slaps him again, Rikimaru tries to suffocate him but then remembers that Onikage doesn't breathe and ends up punching him in the face and Kiku hugs him saying: "Poor-Onikage…" Ayame slaps him again.
Meanwhile Fuji has got herself a cup of coffee from the school's fighting coffee automat, Clix. She had a black eye for the proof that Clix is still very reluctant to cooperate.
Onikage: Frigging people! What was that for?!
Ayame: That was from Kiku, she is so 'innocent', poor little girl…
Onikage grins, Riki glares, Onikage stops grining.
Fuji: First we have to go to paths. Then we must go to the place where
Rikimaru killed that VERY expensive vehicle…
Riki: It was A PORSCHE!!
Onikage: Not fair! I wanna go to the paths too!
Rikimaru: But you couldn't…do…anything, you are dead, right?
Tatsumaru: What's that got to do with anything?!
Onikage: Yeah, it has NOTHING to do with it… right Riki?
Riki:…didn't hear it, didn't hear it, I'm deaf for now on…can a girl have some privacy…?
Kiku: What are you talking about?
Onikage: What's a privacy?
Riki: !! …okay, nothing to do with it, can we go now…
Fuji: Yeah, we're going!
The gang of four leave as meanwhile Tenrai had grown bored of the babbling
and had started to read a book he had found; "Bed time stories"
Tenrai: These are quite good… How would it look like as a play…?
Tenrai then remembers that he can actually hypnotise people to do things. What a great way to get actors on his first master piece, shelf directed play; "Little red-eye"
And so it begins…
Once upon a time, on a one beautiful day Onikage, the red-eye, was in the woods, walking towards his favourite grandmother's house. (He was called the red-eye because his never ending hangover that caused his eyes to be red and swollen…)
As he had left his mother had reminded him: "Oni stay on the road and don't talk to strangers especially to little girls…And keep the cookies secret, keep them safe, our lives depend on it. …Oh, and remember to mention to your granny that you have a coffee with you, she isn't really a morning person..."
And so the little red-eye journeyed in the woods, (hoping that sun wouldn't shine quite so brightly trough the branches and the birds wouldn't sing quite so loud…)
Then a little girl appears behind a tree.
Kiku: Where are you going little boy and what's in the basket?
Onikage: Coffee and some black cookies for my grandmother… I have to go… (My granny is such a sweet old lady; she gives me whiskey every time I come to visit her…)
Onikage tries to continue his journey, but the little girl keeps on persuading.
Kiku: Wait! Don't go yet… please…What? Are you afraid of a girl…?
They stop and he turns around.
Onikage: My mommy told me not to talk with a girls like you…
Kiku: Girls, like me, why?
Onikage: …well… I-I dunno…
Kiku: Oh… I bet you do know…
Kiku slightly takes a hold of the baskets handle which Onikage is carrying.
Onikage: Oh.. please… let me continue my journey… I have to go, my grandmother needs me…
Onikage: …My grand mother gets really grumpy if I don't deliver her morning coffee...
Kiku: Well, okay! But… Why don't you go around that way…
Kiku points a sign that says; "Mordor".
Kiku: It's shorter… and quicker…
Onikage: Thanks! Very nice of you to do tell me that…
Kiku: Off you go!
Onikage, the red-eye, leaves and sings something about fish as he hops along
(Completely forgetting his usual headache…)
Meanwhile the little girl, Kiku, gets to the granny's house before the red-eye. She tells the granny that free coffee is been served somewhere in the near by woods. (This was taking some time because the granny was chatting with her friendly neighbour Naszgul, about gardening.) Granny rushes out of bed and house and is far gone when the poor-little-red-eye comes to the granny's house.
Kiku lies under the covers as Onikage rushes inside the bedroom.
Onikage: Granny, since when did you have orchs in your neighbourhood!? (Shields the door with one of the swords from the Naszguls, turns around and sighs) …Granny? …Damn! …You're hot! …You not my grandma, aren't you?
(Fuji: Hey! I heard that one!)
Kiku: If you aren't sure, come closer…
Carefully Onikage steps closer and soon he is standing next to the bed.
Onikage: Why are your eyes so big?
Kiku: So I could see you better…
Onikage: Why are your hands on my pants?
Kiku: So I could grope you more…
Onikage shocked: …Why do you have such a big mouth!
Kiku: So I could…
Tenrai: No-no-no… This is not a good play… Maybe we should try the next one… hmm… "Maru and Tatsu"
Once upon a time a-poor-evil-ninja-demon-thingie, called Oni, lived quite happily in a small cottage near huge, dark forest with his three wives Ayame, Kiku and Riki and their two adopted sons Rikimaru and Tatsumaru (better known as Maru and Tatsu).
Only thing that the–poor-evil-ninja-demon-thingie missed was a little
quality time with his three wives, but because his cottage was so small and his
two adopted sons still lived home…well you know.
Oni was also tired of paying their food and geishas and Tatsu's coffee…
One night he got a perfect idea; He would send them to punish some non-existing evil merchant. The idea was brilliant younger of his adopted son's Rikimaru was always doing such silly little things…and Tatsu, well; some persuading and he would happily go with his brother. Oni could finally have some personal time with his wives and probably would get rid of both of his adopted son's easily. Their sense of direction wasn't too good and they could easily get themselves lost in the dark, big and evil forest (if they got lost as they tried to find their way out of the toilet, woods shouldn't be a problem).
Oni: Tatsu and Maru I have heard from a very trustworthy person that, in the middle of that big-dark-evil-almost-cosy-forest lives an evil merchant, that should be punished…Unfortunately I can't go and punish him myself 'cause me and your mothers here have …uh other matters that we have to attend to.
Rikimaru: I will make him regret that he was ever born…
Rikimaru: The merchant of course!
Tatsumaru: How do you know that the merchant is a man? Our daddy didn't say she or he.
Rikimaru: Trust me on this one, I am kind of like a professional when it comes to punishing the evil merchants…
Tatsumaru: But what makes him be an EVIL merchant? What has s/he done?
Onikage: He is …uh wait a second…(takes tenchu wrath of heaven walkthrough from his pocket) Aha! He has kidnapped some girls and sells them for slaves…that sorta stuff…
Tatsumaru: Nah, I don't think it's our problem.
Onikage: He insulted your mothers…
Tatsumaru: I dunno…
Onikage: …and he broke his neighbour's coffee maker.
Tatsumaru: That bastard, let's go and get him Maru!
Kiku: Before you leave, take this with you Rikimaru.
Hands a thermos bottle to Rikimaru,
Rikimaru: What's in this?
Kiku: Some coffee, with extra sugar. (smiles happily)
Rikimaru: (to himself) Why always coffee?
Riki: …We don't have anything else…
Ayame: Would you come here and show me how this thing is working, Oni darling (shows a hair comp)
Everything stops for a little while and the whole gang feels chills on their back. And then the hypnosis kicks in again. Tatsu and Maru leaved the house
They walked and walked until it came dark.
Tatsumaru: I am tired. Would you give me some coffee?
Rikimaru: I can't
Tatsumaru: Oh, come on! I promise I won't drink it all…
Rikimaru: No I mean I can't. I used it to mark our way.
Tatsumaru: …You mean that you spilled perfectly good coffee on the ground?
Rikimaru: (proudly) Yep.
Tatsumaru: What an idiot… Should we at least stop and wait that moon rises. That we won't get lost?
Rikimaru: Don't worry with my excellent sense of direction and magnificent ninja-skills. Nothing can surprise us.
[sound of two ninja's crashing to some big metallic thing]
Rikimaru: What a hell is this big… iron… thing… And what is it doing here?
Tatsumaru: (Gropes the thing) I know. It's a huge coffee pot! (kisses it) Thank you, thank you…
Rikimaru: This proofs it, life isn't fair…
Tatsumaru: How can we get in!?!
Voice from the pot: ehe hee hee …eeh eheh. Come in sweeties. There is a door near by… I will open it for you!
Rikimaru: We can't go in! She sounds totally sinister and what would moms
say if they would find out that we visited some unknown lady…? Besides there
may be coffee there… Tatsu… Where are you going…? Tatsu!?
Tatsumaru: (approaches the door opens with crying sound) Coffee…?
Fuji: Come on in boys! Would you want some coffee?
Rikimaru: No! Come on Tatsu we are leaving.
Tatsu: Could I get some sugar with it?
Fuji: Sure thing.
Tatsumaru: there is coffee… We are getting in… (drags Rikimaru inside)
Fuji: (looks Rikimaru) Too bitter sweet for me, put him in there. (Fuji points a cage)
Tatsumaru: …Well I dunno… Maybe I shouldn't…?
Fuji waves a cup of steaming black coffee under his nose and Tatsumaru's
He grabs Rikimaru and stuffs him in the cage
Rikimaru: Let me out! Tatsu!
Fuji: hih hih hih, good, goo-od, now its just me, him and the coffee…
After several burst of laughter and cups of coffee…
Rikimaru: Tatsu… Tatsu!
He doesn't hear him because he has coffee on his ears.
Tatsu: …! I hear voices!?
Rikimaru: It's me, Rikimaru…!
Tatsumaru: … Your back! I'm sorry I forced you… …to go in that cage…
Rikimaru: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Get me out of here!
Tatsumaru: I can't…, sorry…
Rikimaru: …It's just a cage, not an afterlife…
Tatsumaru: But she is watching me… Quite a weird look in her eyes…
Fuji to herself: Where was that table of mine…? And those cloth eating bugs…I must be getting old…
Tatsumaru: But I can give you a cookie… (Gives Rikimaru the memory-card and accidentally pushes the door that knocks Fuji to her huge coffee- pool)
Fuji: Aah! I'm melting! I'm melting!
Fuji's charmed coffee loses it's grip of Tatsumaru's mind and he open Rikimaru's cage that never even was locked. Rikimaru jumps out of his cage and they are so happy that they hug each other, start dancing and laughing and kissing each other.
(Riki: straight from Grimm's brothers by the way)
Suddenly the two ninja's understand what they are doing and quickly stop it.
Tatsumaru: It must be because of that charmed coffee.
Rikimaru: Yes, the cursed coffee… Nothing ever happened, RIGHT?!!!
Fuji: I'm burning and I missed the slashy part!
Rikimaru: I can as well eat this as a celebration of her death… (And to get
Tatsu's taste out of my mouth!)
Fuji: Wait this is not water…This is COFFEE! Wehehee! (She starts swimming enthusiastically in it)
Rikimaru: Life is never fair, isn't it? I can as well eat this to my depression. …? This is black! And it smells funny! And has some text on it!! …It's totally rotten…
Fuji: Please, someone help me out of here. I accidentally drank all the coffee and now I can't get out of here.
No one listen her.
Rikimaru throws the memory card away…
Tenrai: This story is not getting anywhere… And it's totally… WEIRD. (Tries to dry his gown of off the coffee) Hmmm… Next one is; "Snow-whitey"
Pale-as-snow [read: pale ass now]
Once upon a time, in a foreign land lived King and a Queen. The queen hoped to have a child. A child so beautiful that she would have snow white skin, hair strong and ivory black and beautiful red… Well the queen never got to finish her wish, for a one reason or another.
But after all the Queen was blessed with a baby. Unfortunately the queen… was so… delighted to see this… baby-boy of hers that she, died of shock.
Well what can you say? She had always wanted a girl. In other way the child
was just as she had hoped. The queens last words were confusing and left in a
mystery of all times.
"…Lips… I meant, LIPS… God damn it…"
Time passed by and The King dissuaded to remarry. The marriage was purely formal and it is said that the new queen had more fun with the prince than the king.
Riki: Mirror, mirror, tell me now, will Pale-as-snow broke his promise?
Fuji(As a mirror): Yes darling…! How many times are you going to ask me that!! He's a man, of course he'll broke it, like your heart, my lady…
The evil stepmother invented a plan to keep her secret. She called her loyal hunter, Ayame.
Ayame: Who do I need to kill now?
Riki: The Prince
Ayame: The prince…? Won't Tatsu get mad?
Fuji: He won't notice…
Riki: …I want you to bring me his heart
Fuji: He doesn't have one…!
Riki: …Yes he has!! (sob)
Ayame: …No, he really doesn't have one…
Riki: Bad-bad-bad-bad-bad… Well then you could bring me… …well, you know…?
Ayame: His what?
Riki: You know! … His …?!...
Tenrai: God damn it! She is under hypnosis and she is still interrupting everyone… like…ME!
Ayame: …that's repulsing! … … but I will do it, my lady
Meanwhile down at the garden. Pale-as-snow is wondering what kind of new trouble he could get some one in. He walks at the fell and peaks over. Suddenly a young man appears.
Onikage: Well, hello there… Isn't that the hottest male as since… well… my
own… How about a closet? Where the heck did that come from?
Rikimaru: …Yeah… well actually I do have a closet of my own… thanks…
Stepmother looks down at the garden and thinks out loud:
Riki: My, my, what a cute slashy couple…
Fuji: Throw me out of the window, NOW! ……..please?
The hunter comes in the scene.
Ayame: Let's go somewhere private!
Onikage: I knew it! It was just a matter of time…
Pale-as-snow and the hunter leave to the forest.
Onikage: So here we are.
Ayame looking lightly ill: Yes…
Onikage: So why are we here?
Ayame thinks what she has to do and it makes her more ill.
Onikage: What? Is the evil hunter getting all shy on me now…?
Ayame: Don't babble, I need to be focused if I'm going to cut of your balls…
Onikage: Wha'ha?! And I thought you wanted to cuddle?!
Ayame: Oh God… I cannot do this…
Onikage: NEITHER CAN I… You somehow feel like a sister to me…
Ayame leaves the scene hurriedly and Onikage leaves behind. He starts to
walk to the dark, dark forest.
Onikage:…(He is all alone in the forest) …Am I gay?... No, I can't be… I was having fun with my stepmother the other day… So maybe I'm bi…? …That silver haired yammie was quite a hottie…
Birds are singing and squirrels are jumping.
Onikage: By the way… I think I'm lost!
Far, far away, Ayame has a problem.
Ayame: What on earth I am going to give to the Queen…?! Well, the King looks quite the same…?
Back to pale-as-snow. He walks a cross the big-nightmare-like-forest like a big-evil-demon-hottie-…thingie…
Tenrai: Mei-oh… Give me… patience…
Riki:… a granpa like look again…
Sun is shining brightly on a blue sky. Flowers a blooming and birds are
singing. (You know, the happy-happy-Disney-place!) A pink butterfly is flying
gracefully towards Onikage's face. Oni stands still, until…
Onikage: Aarrrggh…!!! A !PINK! demon!! (Starts running around in a little garden.)
Onikage suddenly remembers that he himself is a big-bad-ass-baddie…
Fuji: Riki… Did you HAVE TO mention his ass again?...
…and decides to defend his ass.
Fuji: Riki! Please!
He tooks a Matrix-like fighting position and, [chomp] is going to chew the pink buggie…
Then he notices seven little, more or less, dwarfs…
He decides to spit out the devilish pink buggie, and made his-I-am-totally- innocent-smile.
As the butterfly continued its flight, a bit moist but otherwise unharmed Onikage greeted the dwarfs: Who the hell are you?!
Kiku: We are the seven dwarfs of the seven mountains. I'm called the Innocent,
she is called the Grumpy (points at Ayame she has two roles in this play),
The smallest one over there (points Fujitwo roles too) is called the Hyper, she is always in the caffeine high…
Anyway the tallest one there (points at Tatsu you know the drill) is called the Girlish, just between you and me I think he may have experienced an cough accident...
The tall girl on the corner is called The Scary one (points towards Riki),
that old one over there is called The Power obsessed (points Tenrai)…
Tenrai: I made a cameo in my own play!!!
And the last one of us is called the Shy one (points at Jinnai who hides behind the fence)
Onikage: My name is The-pale-as-snow, and I'm the crown prince of this
Fuji: WHAT!? …Could you please repeat it?
Onikage: My name?
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!
Onikage: No, Pale-as-snow.
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!
Onikage: No, Pale-as-snow.
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!
Onikage: Never mind…I don't have any place to go…Can I stay here with you guys?
Fuji: Sure thing, Pale-ass-now.
Onikage: (sighs unnecessarily deep) Just call me Pale.
Fuji: Ok…your Pale-assness.
Meanwhile on the castle
The evil stepmother hanged something dried cough THINGIES cough on her bedroom chamber's wall. Then she decided to esure her safety and asked from her LOYAL…
…from her ROYAL…
…from her mirror: Mirror, mirror, tell me now, will our secret reveal?
Fuji: How many times I have to tell you that his tongue is quicker than
lightning and he is as trustworthy as a snake. Right now he is with seven
dwarfs of the seven mountains and he is rewriting his blackmailing letter,
which by the way is signed to you, by the seven dwarfs. As his Pale-assness is
getting entertained by few geishas.
Riki: But I do have his cough THINGIE cough in the wall?
Fuji: Nope, that's your husbands… Maybe you should visit your bed more often…?
Riki: … we are not like that… we're just married… So he's with the seven dwarfs?
To be continued…
Fuji: Muchly thanks for all who have reviewed our story!
Fuji: Thank you! Please, have Coffee and Brownies.
Fuji: Two reviews wow! Please have some coffee and brownieS.
Riki: I just wanna say… He's not gay… he's with me…
Fuji: Two reviews! Thanks a bunch... coffee, brownies? Sorry that it took us so long to update. Maybe we will dress him leather more often...
To Chibi Raziel
Fuji: I rule? Thank you! Wow! I haven't got that one yet. There will be more
Onikage in later chapters don't worry…We like him too (even if I'm not in love
with him like Riki) Have a coffee and a brownies.
Riki: I DON'T LOVE HIM!!
To Amber Godsland
Fuji: Thank you! There will be more and more Onikage in later chapters…we really like to write about him…
Riki: Absolutely… I mean… more Onikage… not that… Am I speaking cross words? well… Have a coffee and brownies…
Fuji: That was our chapter 3. Hope you liked it.