A/N I got bored. Ok, not a very good excuse, but it will have to do. Basically, this is the life of my alter-ego, Fawkes. Yes, Fawkes is a Mary- Sue, that's how I created her before I knew what Mary-Sues were. So, anyway, this is her life as hating herself! . . .you'll see.

Disclaimer: Everything that is J.K. Rowling's' is hers; everything that is mine is mine; everything PPC is Jay and Acacia's, any questions?

Chapter One: Someone Shoot Me

Why does the sun have to come in so bloody damn light? I looked at the clock and found that it was 7:30 a.m. Time for breakfast, good. I like breakfast. Sometimes it's the only time I get when no one bothers me. Although, sometimes people still bother me.

My name is Fawkes, and I am a Mary-Sue. Yes, I admit it; I am one of the biggest Mary-Sues you'll ever see, and I hate myself. Every day I wish that the PPC will come and either kill me or recruit me. Probably the first since I've screwed up canon so much, but it works for me.

A lot of Mary-Sues come here often, and I mean a lot. We get people lusting after Harry, Ron, Snape, Sirius, Remus, Draco, you name it, and I've seen it. I even had a nasty run-in with someone trying to be with Filch. I shiver at the memory, it was interesting, but oh so wrong.

I myself have managed to get with Harry. Never a moment's peace. He's always trying to give me presents or tell me how beautiful I am or some crap like that. Everyday I want to strangle the kid, but then tell myself he's a canon character and I can't kill him.

Although I can't help but think I'm in some alternate universe for fanfic. I really hope I am. I don't know what J.K. Rowling would do if she actually found out about the Mary-Sues. Probably strangle us, choke us, and cook us in a stew.

Oh Valar help me, I'm speaking in bad rhyme.

So, anyway, back to breakfast. Well, I walked down the stairs into the Great Hall where, of course, everyone was already. As much as I love Hogwarts, it can really get on my nerves. Especially Harry, Fluffy!Harry. Sometimes he can also be Ansgsty!Harry. I'd like him to be LeaveFawkesAlone!Harry, but, of course, that'll never happen. So, down at breakfast, the first thing he does is come ask me about something or other. I think it was something about a walk around the lake or something horribly romantic like that that you just want to gag at. I just nod my head and smile and say 'sure' when he's done so he'll leave me alone. Sure enough, he then goes back to talk to Ron and Hermione who have suddenly become hopelessly in love with each other.

It was better then last week when Hermione was in love with Snape and Ron was in love with Draco (or, more accurately, Drako). I still shiver at the memory.

Do you think the Astronomy Tower is tall enough so that if someone jumps off they'll splat? No Fawkes! You know that then it'll start an angst fest that'll never end. I want to get out of here, one way or another.

I'd really like to be recruited by the PPC; I already kill Sues' anyway. Like I said before, lots of them come through here; you don't see any now because I kill them all with the help of my friends, Rachel and Sarah. They get really annoying with their angsty lives and perfect body. Whenever I'm done with them I throw them in this room that makes them disappear. I have no idea where they go, but it's not my problem.

Well, anyway, back to the present. Well, the rest of breakfast went fairly well and no one bothered me because I have clearly stated my reputation as NOT A MORNING PERSON! Well, anyway, Rachel and Sarah were somewhere else as I ate away semi-happily. After breakfast I went to the Library where, sure enough, there was Rachel and Sarah.

"We have a new student," said Rachel.

"We saw her talking to Professor Dumbledore a little while ago," finished Sarah.

Great, this is just the way to start my day; we have another Mary-Sue to kill. "What's her story?" I asked sitting down next to them. It didn't really matter if we went to class or not because all the teachers were under Mary-Sue influence and taught a whole bunch of bull-shit stuff anyway.

Plus, I didn't know if I could deal with the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher today.

So, anyway, back to where we were before!

"Voldemort killed her parents, she's an elf, and she's made Legolas fall madly in love with her," said Sarah in a nut shell.

Gee, where have I heard THAT one before? Oh yeah, earlier this week.

"Questionable parents?" there was a lot of those when getting into Lord of the Rings.

"Well," said Rachel, "we're not quite sure, but we think it may be Elrond and Galadriel."

"Again!?" I yelled. What is it with people paring Elrond with his mother-in- law? I shook my head. "What I don't understand is how Voldemort could have killed her parents and yet she's lived in Middle-Earth all her life or, at least I'm guessing she has."

"She has," said Sarah, "Apparently Voldemort is Saruman in disguise."

"Great," I said, "is Dumbledore also related to Gandalf?"

"Surprisingly no," said Rachel, "the author is trying to sound like she knows canon so well to realize that Gandalf and Dumbledore are not related."

"It didn't help though," I finished.

"Oh, there's another thing," said Rachel hesitantly.

"Yes?" I asked. I knew this probably wasn't something I wanted to know but would find out later eventually anyway.

Rachel and Sarah looked at each other as if wondering weather or not they should tell me. "Well," said Sarah, "see, since she's 'an elf', she's about a thousand or something like that. . ."

"And. . .?" maybe I really don't want to know.

"She's also made Sirius fall in love with her," finished Rachel as both she and Sarah ducked under the table.

"WHAT!?" Some one get my weapons, I'm going to kill that Sue now. Anyone who knows me knows that I think that Sirius is, by far, the best character. People who know me also ask if I'm alright in the head, to which I reply, "Phht! No! Of course not!"

"That's a nasty twitch you got there," said a voice behind me. Turning around, I realized that it was the Sue.

"You must be Fawkes," she said holding out her hand, which I didn't take.

"Yes," I said, giving her a glare that might rival Saruon's. Of course, she didn't notice the truly deathly glare I was giving her since EVERYONE is supposed to love her.

She pulled back her hand and kept talking, "I've heard a lot about you, it seems you've been here for quite a while."

"Yes," I answered again. "A long while."

"I also hear that your mom teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts." She just HAD to bring THAT up. It's not like it was my choice of who my parents were, the author just decided to give me some parents that, of course, HAD to be canon characters and, for some reason, now one of them has to teach at Hogwarts despite living in Middle-Earth all her life. I hate my life.

"Yes," I said, starting to twitch again. She wasn't the worst I'd ever dealt with, but it was close.

"Well, I must be off," she said. "It was nice meeting you. By the way, my name is Crysantha." And she walked off.

I'm going to kill her slow and painfully.


A/N Well, how do you like the first chapter? As far as I know, this has never been done before, so I'm trying to be original. Well, bye alls!

~Fawkes (In case anyone knows they've heard the name before but can't remember where, it's Dumbledore's phoenix)