I want to live

Warnings/notes : Schuldich/Omi, Schuldich pov, slight darkness, oocness probably, Aya being mean to Omi and slapping him (once).

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz. The song 'The animal song' belongs to Savage Garden. Lyrics slightly altered.

[!]Spoiler : Aya's name, Omi's past (a bit of it)

written at 28th may 2003, by Misura, part 4 of 4


//Compassion in the jungle,

Compassion in your hands//

"I .... " He doubts.

I sense them coming closer now, feel the mix of relief and hatred that's always there when I see the people he calls friends, those who can make or break him.

If I left him, which I will do some day for I don't love him no matter what I say or feel, they would be his comfort ; they'd patch him up easily. Yet the other way around wouldn't work.

How can it surprise him then that I can't bring myself to be careful around them, to do my best not to harm them in a fight? I envy them his trust, even if I know that ultimately I would betray his trust if he gave it to me.

A part of him will always be out of my reach, mocking me, mocking my control, mocking the words that fall from his lips when he melts in my arms and I am the only one filling his mind.

That part of him lays in their hands, the hands of those who will harm him in their ignorance and blindness. Of those who keep him safe from dangers that he wouldn't have to face if he hadn't been with them, thus making their protection a worthless thing as well.

//Would you like to make a run for it?

Would you like to take my hand?//

It's over for tonight ; this once I will have to be satisfied with merely watching others bring back the sunchild in his eyes and heart. Next time we meet I will bask myself in the light of his smile once again ; perhaps we will look back on tonight and laugh about it.

Or perhaps not ; some things are better forgotten.

The hunters of the darkness are coming, it's time for me to fade away again.

"Schuldich? Where are you going?" He doesn't want to be alone tonight, I know. It's his instincts screaming at him for self-preservation. He needs other people the way most persons need their moments of solitude.

"Don't worry, I'll be near." How could I not remain close to him, while he's still so vulnerable? Yet how could I deny him the company of those who hold his heart much stronger than I ever will, even if they aren't aware of it and will break it time and time again?

Three shapes come running out of the shadows now, their eyes on him, the child of the sun who looks lost in the moonlight. They yell his name, even Ran. "Omi!"

//'Cause I want to live, (like animals)

Careless and free (like animals)//

"Ken! Yohji!" A smile lights up his face, a brighter one than those he has given me tonight. I am not jealous, do not envy them for this, even if it makes me feel hurt. Why?

"Aya ... " His smile fades again now that he has seen his silent leader who holds his fate in his blood-stained hands. It's not fair, I think, that Ran holds that much power over him.

"Omi ... " Violet eyes meet blue ones, an exchange of word that can't be spoken, that even I can't hear with my Gift, that will make the difference between life and death tonight.

They embrace, which is a rare act of contact for Ran. It makes me feel proud of him, proud of my sunchild who can have such an effect on those around him.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have hit you like that, shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you. Forgive me, forgive me .... " Soft words, murmured for only one person's ears to hear, but I listen to them too because I feel I have the right to it.

"I'm sorry. You were right. I messed up, I should have been more careful. There's nothing to forgive. Forget about it, forget it .... " The answering stream of speaking, equally soft.

//I want to live

I want to run through the jungle//

The others, once again stand by silently. As do I.

After a few moments, an eternity, they break apart. "Let's go home." Ran says. The others nod, relief written all over their faces.

Before they leave, a sky-blue gaze searches the shadows. Not finding me, there's a flash of sadness in them, almost too brief for anyone to notice.

Soon, I will leave him alone for real ; perhaps tomorrow, perhaps next week, who can say? He'd better get used to not finding me when he looks for me.

I don't love him, yet I love him too much to wish any harm or hurt to come to me by my actions or words. I guess love is merely a matter of interpretation ; how much liking is required before it's gone further than mere liking? And can you truly merely like someone?

Is liking, wanting to protect, inferior to loving, desiring to possess and be possessed?

//The wind in my hair

And the sand at my feet//

I am alone in the park now, alone with the moon and the stars and those who dwell in parks at night. Is this where I belong? He wouldn't say so probably, yet I can't help but wonder.

There are no ties that bind me to others ; all I have is him, and only a part of him is mine. A small part, an insignificant part.

Could I capture more of him if I wanted to, could I give him something of me if that would be the price I had to pay? Could I have with Schwarz what he has with Weiss?

They all know about us, accepting our relationship as another one of my temporal obsessions, to be tolerated until I get over it. Because they care about me or because, as I always assumed, they hate my whining?

Can it be that I too am blind to what I have, to what my actions and words do to those around me, in fact no better than Ran? The idea is not a pleasant one.

//The wind in my hair ...

I want to live//

The moonlight fades now, meaning it's time for me to return to the place where my bed stands, where my clothes hang in a closet, where people aren't waiting for me or are they?

And if they do, would they let me know? Or would they hide it for me, assuming I'm not interested in being cared for, assuming I'd only mock them?

Haven't I done so in the past, brushing off their worried looks and touches, laughing at their expressions of caring?

//Can you feel it?

Can we feel it?//

Lost in thoughts, I walk home.

Not a single light burns as I enter the house. Why would I be disappointed at that?

I throd upstairs, none too quiet I must admit. Perhaps I want to be heard, want to be noticed.

:: Hmmmm? Schuldich? Is that you? ::

:: Yes, Brad. It's me. ::

:: How'd your date go? ::

:: Don't you know already? ::

:: Thought you might want to talk about it. ::

:: Thanks for offering ; I think I need sleep now. ::

:: Would you pull a blanket over Nagi and Farfarello? They insisted on waiting up for you. ::

:: Sure. ::

Deep inside of me, I feel a sunchild laughing at me. Perhaps he's not as dead as I had thought.

Perhaps we all have a sunchild in some part of our mind, even if we think we lost him.

After I have covered Nagi and Farfarello and I make my own bed, I fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow, the sun will shine.