Title:: S.C. SMACKDOWN!

Author:: Lokaia

Rating:: PG-13 for outright stupidity!

Summary:: I DON'T NEED SUGAR TO WRITE SILLY THINGS! I NEED TO BE HUNGRY! I couldn't find an appropriate title... probably because of the plotline of this ficlet...

Disclaimer:: Space Cases belongs to Peter David and Bill Mumy. The plot is mine.

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The lights blinded all who dared look upon them. The smell of sweat and apprehension clogged the senses. The roar of the crowd nearly deafened the population of the stadium.

Two men stepped from the shadows and onto the platform at the center. The audience roared again, causing both men to react. The first blushed slightly and nodded his head, causing half the females in attendance to fall over. The other rolled his eyes, causing the other half to sigh.

Thelma popped up from behind the both of them. She smiled and produced a microphone from... somewhere. Clicking it on, she caused the entire crowd to wince from the feedback. Still smiling, she spoke into it.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... WELCOME TO SLUT-FEST 2264!"

The crowd roared again as the two men moved to opposite sides of the stage. Thelma continued.

"IN THE RED CORNER, STRONGER THAN A HUNDRED SPUNG WARSHIPS, CUTER THAN A BUTTON, ABLE TO FLOOR A THOUSAND FANGIRLS IN A SINGLE LOOK"

(here, the man in question looked to the crowd and a thousand females fell over)

"RADU 386!"

The portion of the crowd that was still conscious screamed their applause and Radu smiled, bowing his head and allowing a thousand more girls to faint.

"AND IN THE BLUE CORNER," Thelma continued, "WEIGHING AT A BUCK-OH-NINE, ABLE TO SHOCK A SPUNG WARLORD INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS, ABLE TO CAUSE A THOUSAND CREATURES TO WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH A MERE PHRASE"

(here, the man in question frowned and grumbled "people suck" and a thousand members of the audience leapt from the stadium)

"BOVA FROM URANUS!"

Silence swept through the audience, seemingly more deafening than the original roars.

Then someone snorted.

Laughter erupted loudly, causing Bova to sigh. "I hate being from Uranus..."

"OUR CONTESTANTS TONIGHT HAVE A SINGLE TASK," Thelma was saying, oblivious to the situation. "TO PROVE THEMSELVES AS THE CHRISTA'S SLUT! THERE WILL BE THREE CHALLENGES. THE WINNER OF AT LEAST TWO OF THESE CHALLENGES SHALL BE THE WINNER!"

The crowd roared, and those that had fainted or leapt from the stadium, managed to find their way back to their seats to cheer.

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CHALLENGE ONE

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"THE CONTESTANTS MUST SEDUCE THE PERSON BEHIND THEIR CHOSEN DOOR," Thelma shouted over the noise of the crowd. She gestured to the center of the stage which now held two boxes, about the same height, width, and depth as the average closet. On the left one was the word ONE and on the right, the word TWO.

Thelma's eyes closed halfway, fluttering. A moment later, she opened her eyes and smiled. "THE CONTESTANTS WILL FLIP A COIN." From nowhere, she produced a common Earther nickel. "CALL IT IN THE AIR."

"Call *what* in the air?" Bova demanded as Thelma threw the nickel up.

"HEADS!" Radu shouted.

The nickel landed on the ground and after a few agonizing seconds of spinning, landed flat. Thelma bent over to look at it, then straightened and spoke into the microphone.

"HEADS!"

The crowd cheered and Radu smiled shyly, flooring the other half of the females he hadn't floored before.

Bova yawned.

"RADU, PLEASE PICK A DOOR."

Radu bit his lip (fall of fangirls) and considered the two doors. After a moment, he stepped forward and took hold of the door to the ONE closet.

*creak*

"What's going on here?"

"CONGRATULATIONS, RADU," Thelma shouted happily. "YOUR CHALLENGE IS COMMANDER SETH GODDARD!"

"His challenge?" Seth looked bemusedly around the stadium at the cheering, fainting, already-unconscious crowd. "Challenge for what? What's going on?"

"Commander?" Seth turned to face the Andromedan standing in front of him, chewing his lip and looking down at his shoes. "See, I'm having this problem. I think Suzee likes me..."

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PART TWO OF CHALLENGE ONE

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When both Radu and Seth emerged from the closet a half hour later, looking ruffled, pink, and quite satisfied, another portion of the crowd fell over.

"BOVA, PLEASE OPEN THE REMAINING DOOR FOR YOUR CHALLENGE."

Bova sighed and, quite unceremoniously, opened the door.

"Huh? What're all these lights here for?"

"CONGRATULATIONS, BOVA," Thelma shouted in the exact same tone as she had before. "YOUR CHALLENGE IS HARLAN BAND!"

The crowd roared, some with applause and some with laughter, as Harlan blinked at them. "What the *hell* is going on?"

"Nothing," Bova told him flatly. "Radu and I are having a contest to see who's the biggest slut, and we were supposed to seduce the people in the closets. Since Radu already got Goddard, I don't have a chance."

Harlan's eyes narrowed. "It's a contest between you and Radu?"

"Yeah."

"What do you get if you win?"

"I dunno. The title. And I guess you make the other person feel bad."

"Really?" Harlan looked away from the Uranusian, thinking. Finally he nodded. "All right, come on."

"Where?"

"Just come *on*."

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CHALLENGE TWO

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By the time Bova and Harlan emerged from their closet, both were sweaty, panting, and Harlan's shirt was on backwards. Radu almost looked annoyed, but annoyance doesn't make the fangirls faint, so instead he sighed and looked at his shoes.

(at this a thousand fangirls fainted)

"THE SECOND CHALLENGE," Thelma narrated, "IS TO SEDUCE THE OPPOSITE PERSON." The crowd roared with applause while all four men on the stage rolled their eyes. "BOVA, SINCE RADU WENT FIRST LAST TIME, YOU MAY START THIS TIME."

"Great," Bova grumbled, making his way over to Seth. He stood in front of the man for a bit, doing nothing, until the Commander sighed.

"Bova, aren't you even going to *try*?"

The Uranusian shrugged. "Why? I'm not going to win."

Seth frowned. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Bova! You have to get more self-esteem."

"I still wouldn't win."

Commander Goddard grumbled, grabbed Bova's hand, and quite forcefully dragged him into the closet.

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PART TWO OF CHALLENGE TWO

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Seth and Bova emerged from their closet, as the pattern was, sweaty and panting.

"RADU," Thelma said into her microphone. "PLEASE SEDUCE HARLAN.... NOW!"

Harlan crossed his arms and glared at the Andromedan. "I'm not helping you. I hate you."

Radu looked at his shoes. "I know. I'm sorry, Harlan. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It's just that all the fans wanted Bova and I to be in this competition, and they wanted you to be part of it, and I didn't know we'd have to do anything together. But if you want to back out of it, it's okay." He lifted his head, and the large screen that was filming everything occurring on the stage zoomed in on the single tear, coursing down his pale cheek.

There was a collective "AWWWW" at that from the audience, who then began throwing things at Harlan. The human looked extremely guilty and glanced at the angry crowd. He sighed. "All right, fine, let's go."

Radu smiled immediately and took Harlan's hand, leading him into the second closet.

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CHALLENGE THREE

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Harlan and Seth sat together in chairs apart from the stage, sweaty, panting, tired, and watching the proceedings.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," Thelma shouted. "THE FINAL CHALLENGE!" She paused for suspense and also because she had forgotten what to say. "THE FINAL CHALLENGE IS..."

A collective gasp as the audience held its breath. Radu watched the android avidly and Bova... yawned.

"THE CONTESTANTS MUST SEDUCE... EACH OTHER!" The audience gasped, screamed, fainted, and leapt from the stadium as both Bova and Radu's eyes grew wide.

Somewhere off to the sidelines, two Earthers were laughing hysterically.

"C-can she make us do that?" Radu whispered to Bova, the stutter causing many fangirls to simply *die*.

"Probably."

"THE CONTESTANTS MAY BEGIN... NOW!"

Radu looked at Bova. Bova looked at Radu. They looked at each other.

"GET ON WITH IT!" the audience screamed.

Radu took a step forward. Bova took a step forward. They both took a step forward.

"COME OOOOOOOOOOOOON!" the audience roared.

*CLICK*

The entire stadium went pitch black as every light burned out. The air was filled with horrible moans, screams, and the sounds of bodies falling from the stadium. "WHAT'S GOING ON???" they screamed.

Twenty minutes later, the lights were finally fixed. Once everyone got over their temporary blindness from moving so quickly from pitch-black to overly-white, they looked down to the stage and saw...

Thelma. And two closets.

"WHERE ARE THEY??????" the audience demanded.

Thelma didn't answer, staring avidly into space.

"WHAT'S GOING ON???" the audience screeched.

Thelma smiled, finally focusing onto the millions in the crowd. "TIME IS UP," she said into her microphone.

Immediately, both Radu and Bova emerged from closet TWO.

Sweaty.

Panting.

Smiling.

"WHAT HAPPENED??" the audience screamed. "WHO SEDUCED WHO???"

Bova sighed and looked up at Radu. "Okay. Do it now."

Radu nodded and looked out into the audience.

Then he took off his shirt.

It took them days to identify all the bodies.