Disclaimer: We take no responsibility for this fic. The penguins made us do it…

Rating: F fer frickin' hilarious

Summary: Remy deals with the aftermath of his time in Antarctica… (humor)

Author's Note: This is what happens when GambitGirl and Addie Logan spend a week in a small apartment with lots of sugar and no sleep…

Feedback and Archiving: Send all feedback and archiving requests to the illustrious Addie Logan at: addie_logan@yahoo.com

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De Penguins, De Penguins!

By: Addie Logan and GambitGirl

*** *** ***

Remy woke up, still shaking, his floppy hair falling in front of his red-on-black eyes. He'd had that dream again. The one that had been plaguing him since Rogue had left him to die in the frozen wasteland known as Antarctica. The one where they were coming for him. 

He pulled the sheet tighter around him, wishing he wasn't alone in the dark room. He needed someone to hold him…

Suddenly, Gambit heard a rustling outside his window. He looked quickly to the side. He heard something. A squawk.

Gambit got out of the bed. "I'm an X-Man, and I'm not afraid of anyt'ing!" he said to himself. He shivered.


Remy looked up at the window. Two beady yellow eyes were staring in at him. "Let me in, Remy," said a demonic voice. "I have something I want to tell you…"

Remy let out a high pitched screaming, running into the hallway and smack into Wolverine.

Wolverine stumbled backwards. "What the hell is wrong with you, Gumbo?"

"I saw him, Logan! He's tryin' to kill me! I jus' know it!"

Logan shifted to Attack Mode. "Who's tryin' ta kill ya?"


"A name would be nice, Cajun. I like ta know who I'm slashin' up."

"It's…" Gambit allowed for a dramatic pause. "De Penguin."

Wolverine looked at Remy like he'd just grown a second head. "The what?"

"De Penguin! He came after me in Antarctica, and now he's here—in de mansion! I jus' saw him outside my window. He talked to me!"

"Gambit, you sure Rogue didn't hit ya in the head again?"

"Non! Remy tell de trut', homme."

"Remy, just go back to bed."

"I can't! De Penguin." He looked down. "Can I sleep wit' you?"

Wolverine jumped back. "Hell no!"

"But I'm scared! An' Rogue say if I sneak in her bed one more time she's gonna do somet'ing really, really bad to me!"

"Can't be any worse than what I'd do to ya, gumbo."

"But Logan…"

Wolverine just shook his head and rushed off to his own room.

Gambit curled up in a little ball in the hallway.

"Remy?"  Remy saw Storm looking down at him with concern.  It was morning.  "Remy, why on earth are you sleeping on the floor of the hallway?"  Remy decided not to tell the truth.  He didn't want Storm to think he was as nutty as Wolverine already did.

"Uh…it's good for de back, chère.  Gotta keep myself tough, ya know?"  Storm raised an eyebrow.

"Very well.  I will let you get back to bed."  She stepped over him and walked on.  Remy stood up and anxiously opened the door to his room.  It was the same as it had been before his horrible encounter the night before—messy but penguin-free.  He heaved a sigh of relief.

"It all a terrible dream," he muttered to himself.  "Dat's all it was…"

"Gambit, why ya keep lookin' around like a scared little rabbit?"  Gambit jumped and looked over at Rogue.

"Quoi, chère?"  She put her hands on her hips.

"Y'ain't done nothin' but look over your shoulder all damn day.  What're you so afraid of?" 

"Afraid, moi?" said Remy with a feigned sense of incredulity.  "Gambit ain't afraid of not'in', chère!" 

"Except the penguins," muttered Wolverine as he walked past. 

"Shut up, Wolverine!" Gambit pouted. 

"What did he say?" demanded Rogue. 

"Not'in', chère," said Gambit hastily.  Rogue tossed her head. 

"I'm goin' to the pool.  You comin'?" 

"Oui!" said Remy happily.  In the broad daylight, it was easy to dismiss last night as nothing more than a freakish dream, brought on by his traumatic memories of Antarctica.  The Penguin couldn't get to him here in Westchester.  The evil, snarling, squawking menace couldn't find him here, no sir…

Remy sat on the steps of the pool, dangling his legs in the cool water and watched Rogue and she played water volleyball with Storm, Jean, and Betsy. They were all wet and in bikinis. There was bouncing. Life was good.


Remy froze. He was hearing things. The Penguin was still back in Antarctica, not there in Westchester. Non.


Remy turned slowly, Evil eyes were watching him from the bushes. He jumped to his feet, slipping on the floor of the pool, and smacking his head.

Everything went dark.

"Is he all right?"

"Is he breathing yet?"

"Remy, sugah, wake up!"

Remy opened his eyes to find himself staring into red sunglasses. He panicked, pushing wildly at the person leaning over him. "Get de hell off me, Scott!"

"You weren't breathing!" Cyclops said. "I had to administer CPR."

"Next time jus' let me die!"

Remy rubbed the back of his head. "Ow…"

Rogue crouched down beside him, making sure to tease Remy with a good view of her cleavage. "Sugah, are you okay?"

Remy got up, backing away from her. "You get a way from Remy! Dis is all your fault!"

Rogue gave him the hurt eyes. The ones that made them look like gigantic green saucers. "What's all my fault, Remy?"

"He's after me 'cause you left me t'die in de snow!"

"The voices told me to!" Rogue stopped and frowned. "Who's after you?"

Gambit looked down and whimpered. "It's de Penguin, Rogue. He's been stalkin' me."

The X-men started blankly at Remy for a minute before they all began to laugh. Remy glared. "See how funny you find it when de Penguin comes for you!" He stormed huffily from the pool.

"Remy, I'm very concerned about you."  Professor Xavier regarded him kindly from behind his desk.

"I'm worried about me too, Prof."  Remy ran his hands through his hair. 

"These hallucinations are not healthy."

"But de Penguin is real!" 

"Remy," said Xavier sternly.  "Penguins do not stalk humans.  They are not predatory birds."

"Dey tried t'peck me when I was dere, all by myself…and de Penguin was deir leader!"  Xavier sighed.

"Remy, I want you to try and relax," said Xavier.  "I cannot mindscan you to find the root of these visions, but if you are calm you will have much more control over them." 


"No buts!" said Xavier.  "There are no penguins in Westchester, Remy, flesh-eating or otherwise!"  Remy opened his mouth to protest again.  "Repeat after me!" said Xavier, cutting him off.

"Dere ain't no penguins," muttered Remy in a less than enthusiastic tone.  His head snapped up as the closet door behind Xavier opened and a beaked head with small, beady eyes poked out.

"Reeemy…listen to my voice…"

Remy screamed and ran from the room. 

Remy buried himself under his blanket. No one could get him under there, no siree. He ignored the knock at the door.

"Remy, sugah, please talk to me. I'm worried about ya!"

"Go 'way! You'll let de Penguin in!"

"Remy…" Rogue sighed, ripping the doorknob off the door and came in his room. "Remy, what the hell are you doing under a blanket?"

"It's my fort! No one can get in!"

Rogue snatched the blanket off his head. "Remy, for the last time, just because no one can see you doesn't mean nothin' can hurt you."

Remy looked up at her, the most serious expression she had ever seen him wear on his face. "It wants to eat me."

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Remy, really. Besides, I don't think penguins like gumbo."

"Not funny, chère."

"I know why you're makin' this up, and I don't appreciate it. I already told you I'm sorry for listening to the voices and leaving you to die in Antarctica. You don't need to make up some crazy story to make me feel bad."

"But it's true! De Penguin is evil! His eyes shine red like de eyes of Satan!"

Rogue cocked an eyebrow. "Look in the mirror recently, Rem?"

Gambit pouted. "My eyes are sexy and smolderin'. His eyes are eeevil."

Rogue raised her arms. "Whatever, Remy." She threw the blanket back over his head and stormed out of the room.

Remy huddled under it.

"And in other news, a king penguin escaped from the Bronx zoo…"

Remy stopped short in front of the den. Bobby was watching the news. "What…what was dat?"

Bobby looked around. "What was what?"

"The television. What did it just say?"

"Oh, some penguin went nuts and escaped from the zoo last night."  Remy's face paled.


"Yep," said Bobby. 

Remy ran out of the room screaming, and went back to his safe blanket.

Wolverine walked into the kitchen and went to the refrigerator to get a beer.  If everyone in the mansion was going to go stone freaking nuts over Remy's penguin phobia, he needed his Molson's. 

Logan opened the fridge and stopped dead.  Looking back at him was a large penguin with a yellow beak and red eyes.  Logan blinked once.  It had to be some sort of mass hypnosis, maybe Mastermind or the Goblyn Queen… 

The penguin cocked it's head and looked up at him.  Wolverine rapidly slammed the fridge shut again. 

"Okay," he said slowly.  "When I open the door, the penguin will be gone."  He slowly opened the door, half-prepared to dice the big ugly bird to dog kibble. 

There was nothing there but his Molson's and a half-eaten pepperoni pizza.  Logan took a beer and quickly downed it, thinking that he was gonna get the Cajun for making him party to his freaky little mind games. 

Remy was frantically piling furniture in front of the door of the boathouse.  He figured it was the last safe place left on the grounds.  There was no way a penguin could get through his barricade.  Even the minion of the Penguin that had escaped the zoo to come for him. 

"Reeemy…"  Remy whirled, two charged cards in his hands.

"MERDE!" he yelped as the penguin waddled towards him.  He didn't know how it had gotten in, but that was a moot point.  It was going to finish the job and peck out his eyes for the Penguin's perverse pleasure.  "Go 'way!" he screamed at it.  "Gambit not afraid of you no more!" 

"Reemy…I have a message for you…"  Remy swallowed hard.

"Den you best be givin' it t'me before I blow you to de next dimension."  The penguin paused and then reached behind it with one flipper, producing a top hat and cane.  It set the hat on it's head and paused before breaking into a graceful two-step.

He began to sing:

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing your life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best,


Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the light side of life

If life seems jolly rotten,

There's something you've forgotten,

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps,

Don't be silly chumps.

Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.


Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the right side of life,

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow

Forget about your sin

Give the audience a grin

Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow


Always look on the bright side of death,

At the maniacal look on the penguin's face, Remy keeled over in a dead faint.

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a piece of shit,

When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true


You'll see it's all a show

Keep 'em laughing as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you


Always look on the bright side of life

Logan opened the door to see Remy prone on the floor and a penguin performing an intricate tap routine. At the site of Wolverine, the penguin took off the top hat, and it disappeared into his feathers along with the cane. It cocked its head to the side and squawked.

"Well, shit," Logan murmured.

The penguin just blinked.

When Remy came to, he was lying on the couch in the boat house, with Rogue looking over him like a deranged Florence Nightingale. "Where…where is he?"


Remy jumped up. "He's still here! De Penguin!"

"I'm here to take him away, Mr. LeBeau."

Remy looked over to see a man in a zookeeper uniform. "Den get de little freak outta de mansion! Please! Send him back to de snowy hell from whence he came!"

The zookeeper took the penguin the wing and led it into a cage. "I promise you, Mr. LeBeau, this penguin will never bother you again."

As the penguin was wheeled out of the boat house, he turned around a winked at Remy.

Remy went back to his room, happy that he was finally rid of De Penguin. He wiped his brow as he opened the door.

"Non," he said, backing away. "Non! It can't be!"

His room was filled with hundreds of penguins, all looking at him with evil eyes. "Reeemy" they said in unison.

Remy's screams were muffled by thousands of feathers.