Title: Hairy Poofter and the Sorcerer's Bone Author: mishap Rating: NC17 Feedback: mishap00@mchsi.com (it makes me write faster) Website: Fandom: Harry Potter Disclaimer: Any rights I am entitled to I freely give back to the copyrighted owners of Harry Potter. I own nothing and make no claims. Pairing: HP/SS Status: WIP Series: God I hope not. Archive: WWOMB, and others ask and you shall receive. Warning: If you are not 18 and don't like m/m relationships don't read this. Notes: This started out as a conversation in which I misheard something my 19 year old son said and went waaaaay downhill from there at which point rabid plot bunnies tried to gnaw off my ankles. WARNING PARODY. If you don't know what a parody is look it up. Summary: Hairy knows what he wants and is determined to get it.

Chapter One

"Why?" Hairy wailed to the headmaster. "Can't I seem to get him to respond to me? Aren't I pretty enough?"

Professor Dumblydoor took in the vision before him running his eyes over the pastel green form fitting robes that perfectly matched his student's eyes, the expert but subtle make up, the delicate perfectly manicured hands and the waist length curled and perfumed lustrous black hair and sighed. "Hairy that just the problem. Severus has just always been a bit different and his experiences have just reinforced it. Pretty scares him, he's always felt that beauty is suspect and fickle and just not trustworthy."

"Oh, that explains so much." Hairy said sympathetically. "He was one of Voldie's death eater bitches wasn't he?"

"He took the tattoo an started the body modification before coming to his senses." Dumblydoor tacitly agreed. "Of course using his talents in potions he managed to reverse all the changes before they became permanent but the dear boy has never been the same since." The professor continued in a troubled voice stroking his ribbon-bedecked beard in a gesture of self- comfort. "He always did like his boyfriends on the butch side, to use a muggle phrase, however since then he's gone to extremes most of them have looked absolutely straight and in the past few years I think he's even dated women, when he's dated at all."

Hairy spoke excitedly. "Now that I think about it I'm sure that I've caught him looking at me during Quidditch practice. But with no make up and being all sweaty I was sure I was just imagining things. I mean really, Quidditch robes and no makeup. My hair tied back in a braid is comfortable, but I never thought anyone could possibly find me attractive like that." Hairy said wonderingly.

Dumblydoor's eyes twinkled "You'd be surprised at how people enjoy the sight of you in your Quidditch robes.

"Oh, you too?" Hairy asked curious.

"Definitely." He replied. "A young man in the bloom of youth. Glowing with the honest sweat from physical exertions can be a positively mouth- watering sight."

"And I thought it just made one appear unwashed." Hairy mused caught off guard by the new point of view.

The professor replied encouragingly. "There is a great deal of difference between filthy and a healthily exercised body, Hairy. It can be quite enticing to see a well toned body working well as it should."

"Hmm, you know I have been meaning to spend more time in the gym working out. But it is always so unpleasant to have to deal with all those leather boys from Slytherin who think the weight room is their own private domain." He sighed.

"Faint heart never won fair maiden.or in this case," Dumblydoor grinned. "Snarky Potions Master."

************************************************************************

Foregoing his usual rather elaborate style of dress that he wore even while working out. Hairy took a deep breath and walked into the gym dressed in muggle style exercise clothes consisting of a pair of spandex bicycle shorts and a snug tank top. And with his hair braided back from his makeup free face.

Ignoring the glares and whispers of the Slytherins who occupied the room he took a seat at an empty bench and began his workout.

Mere minutes later he was interrupted, as expected, by the unofficial leader and top dog of the Slytherins Draco Malfey.

Taking a stance that Hairy was sure he practiced in the mirror Draco attempted to intimidate Hairy by sheer presence alone. It didn't work. In fact in never had. Hairy could just never take him seriously, the slender body that remained slight no how matter how much time he put in pumping iron, the pale ruthlessly slicked back hair just seemed to him to be such a parody of a dominant that he was always tempted to laugh rather than feel dominated like he was sure he was supposed to.

Continuing his repetitions the young Gryffindor paid no attention to the posturing Slytherin forcing Draco to make the first move.

"Poofter, what do you think you're doing in here?" he barked out forcefully.

"Bicep curls." Hairy replied blandly.

"That's not what I meant an you know it." The young Slytherin replied with an undertone of menace.

Hairy paused in his workout and stared the blonde straight in the eye. "The gym is open to all students, it's not your exclusive property, despite the fact that most of the rest of us just don't feel like making an issue of it. So deal with it and leave me alone." he finished going back to his bicep curls and ignoring the look of shock that passed over Draco's face at his blunt words.

Draco sneered. "Finally growing a spine are you."

Beginning to be irritated by the other boy's harassment Hairy replied. "No spine necessary when dealing with the likes of you. Despite your pretensions of being a Dom you practically scream bottom boy. So why don't you take your two goons." He indicated the hulking boys that had moved to flank their De Facto leader. "Crabby and Girly and PISS OFF?" he shouted surprising his adversary into taking a step back at the unexpected volume of his last two words.

"Poofter I'm warning you."

"Is there a problem boys?" came the dark silky tones of the object of Hairy's affectionate obsession caused goose bumps to break out all down Hairy's spine.

"No problems sir." Hairy replied to the teacher who had so silently appeared out of the gym office. "Just wanted to make sure Malfey could hear what I said."

"Well then," Professor Snake suggested. "You'd better get with it then Poofter. Malfey I think you had better do the same."

"But professor he shouldn't be here." Malfey whined.

The professor's coldly reserved features became positively glacial. "Mr. Malfey this is not the behavior I expect from my Slytherins. Poofter has every right to be here and your childish attitude is unacceptable."

Hairy watched as Malfey stomped his goons following behind like ducklings behind the mother duck. Turning to face the head of Slytherin Hairy spoke. "Thanks, Professor Snake. He smiled winningly.

"Don't thank me, Poofter." Professor Snake growled in his dark dangerous voice. "Every student has the right to be here." He finished abruptly before stalking back to his office leaving Hairy to feast his eyes on the body that was so lovingly displayed in the tight black leather pants and black silk shirt.

Chapter Two

After completing his workout satisfactorily Hairy casually sauntered out of the gym aware of the eyes that followed his every move and waited until he turned the corner before putting on a burst of speed and racing back to the Gryffindor tower. He couldn't wait to share his new with his best friends Ronnie Weasel and Hermie Grazer their house's token straight couple.

Bursting into the common room he surprised his friends making out on the couch and immediately fought to overcome his revulsion. "Eew" he squealed. "I know you guys are crazy for each other but do you have to do that where I can see it?"

"Hey" Ronnie objected. "It's nothing that you haven't done right here on this very same couch and in front of an audience too."

"I know, I know sorry." Hairy apologized. "It's just.Hermie's a girl and."

"And just what's wrong with girls?" Hermie demanded her hands on her hips and eyes blazing.

"Nothing, It was just the surprise of seeing you two together just kinda squicked me a bit." He said placatingly. "It caught me off guard and ." Hairy shrugged helplessly his eyes begging for forgiveness.

Hermie sighed and said. "Ok I forgive you; you can turn off the puppy dog eyes. And tell us what's got you so excited."

Hairy began to bounce in place as he described the results of his afternoon at the gym and how Professor Snake had upheld his right to be there and how he had observed the Professor watching him unobtrusively when he thought the he wasn't looking.

"I'm just so happy." Hairy bubbled. "I was about to lose hope and give up until I talked to Headmaster Dumblydoor and I took his advice and I finally think I have a chance with Professor Snake."

Looking a bit green around the gills Ronnie said faintly. "Are you sure about this Hairy? I mean Snake is such a bastard to all of us in our love potions and aphrodisiacs class and lets the Slytherins get away with murder at the same time. Do you really want him to be your first lover? I know you've had a thing for him forever but still." he trailed off looking at his best friend helplessly.

"Oh yes" Hairy said dreamily. "Can't you just imagine it he's so stern and dominating and that voice of his."

Ronnie shuddered and swallowed noisily looking even sicker at the idea. "Well mate I guess if that's what you want, but please no details."

Hairy pouted. "You're my best friend and I want to be able to share everything with you."

Hermie interrupted. "Hairy don't tease Ronnie you know how is about that. I'll be glad listen."

He grinned. "I know I just can't help but tease him a bit he takes the bait so well."

"Hey." Ronnie said glaring at his two friends as they giggled helplessly at the expression his face. Throwing his hands up in exasperation Ronnie accused. "You're both nutters." And watched as they went into hysterics before stomping off.

"Hermie" Hairy gasped between subsiding bouts of giggles. "You'd better go after him or he'll pout and be impossible for days."

Hermie sighed abruptly losing the desire to laugh. "I love Ronnie dearly, but I swear if he doesn't start showing some maturity and common sense soon I am gonna beat with a broom until he does." She said coming to her feet and putting her hands on her hips.

"Not my Firebolt!" Hairy stood up leaping to the defense of his beloved broom.

"Of course not," Hermie shot him a glare. "His broom" she said with a positively evil gleam in her eyes."

Watching her Hairy shuddered suddenly glad that the closest he'd ever come to getting involved with a girl was his crush on the transvestite Cho Chong and that relationship had soured after he'd figured out what a drama queen Cho was. Hairy shook his head he still couldn't decide what to call that relationship even now. They hadn't really even dated Cho just wanted someone to pour sympathy out while Cho carried on and cried about how cruel life was. He was well out of it now and winced in sympathy for Cho's next victim glad it wasn't him.