Sanity's delusions

Warnings/notes : Rociel/Katan, Rociel pov

Disclaimer : I don't own Angel Sanctuary.

written at 24th august 2003, by Misura in a somewhat depressed mood



He approaches me cautiously, like a moth nearing a flame ; fearful but unable to hold himself back. I wonder why.

Why would he be afraid of me?

Doesn't he know I could never hurt him, someone I created myself, someone who broke the seal that held me prisoner?

"Katan ... " His name tastes odd on my lips for some reason.

He doesn't look up, merely kneeling down, his head bent.

Something is wrong.

"Are you all right?" I ask finally, when time slips by without him saying anything.

"Yes. Thank you."

A curt answer, almost rude if it hadn't been for that undertone I sense in everything about him.

He has changed greatly since the last time I saw him.


I can't quite remember somehow, as if it's very long ago.

Yet how could that be?

Surely he's come visiting me before ; he knows I don't like being alone.

Why then, is my memory of our last meeting so vague, so clouded?

"You look hurt." I note. It's true, clearly visible in the way his body bends stiffly to his will.

His current position must be painful.

"It's nothing, Rosiel-sama."

I don't understand.

He's lying to me.

"Let me see." I order sharply.

I want to be able to trust him, thought his love for me meant I could.

Yet if he's trying to deceive me now, who knows when he'll do so again?

He shakes his head.

Kneeling down as well, I place my hand under his chin to raise his eyes to mine.

I don't like what emotions war in them.

Wariness. For me.

Fear. For me.

Anger. For both me and himself.

A wisp of the love that once shone in them still remains, glowing weakly.

In fact, everything that once glowed about him seems to have faded.

Like he doesn't really care anymore.

It frightens me.

"Katan ... " My cheek brushes past his, my voice a whisper in his ears.

I feel him shiver, feel the way his body both recoils and longs for more contact with my own.

"Katan ... " He is the only person who has always been mine, never doubting me, never denying me anything. Whatever is ailing him now, I will not allow it to take him away from me.

He has to love me.

Another shiver runs through his body as my hands touch his face, gently cupping it before my lips touch his in a gesture that would be a kiss if only he'd return it.

After a while, I draw away. Surprisingly, his body follows mine now, pressing closer.

His eyes have changed again ; I read desperation in them.

And love. Always love.

I feel my lips curl in a smile when his hesitantly search mine again.

When I answer the kiss, deepening it while it continues, I see the light return, shining through his half-closed eyes.

Soon, I swear to myself, I will chase the last of the shadows in his eyes away.

"I love you." I whisper the words I long to hear from him.

Are they true?

I don't know.

I can't weigh the truth of my own statements, only those of others.

"I ... " He hesitates.

Why, Katan?

My hands stroke the naked skin of his chest.

His hands are entwined in the long tresses of my hair.

Why would you do this Katan, if you don't love me?

Why would you let me do this, if not for love?

Once, the words passed your lips so easily.

" ... love you." he breathes, finally giving in, surrendering.

I should be happy.

Why then, do his words taste like bitter ashes?

And how did he get those bruises all over his body?