HOW TO WRITE A MARY-SUE
by Adrian Tullberg
Harry's scar was hurting again.
Considering he had just stepped onto Platform 9-and-three-quarters, this was not a good sign. Usually the annual evil threat gave him enough time to enjoy the scenery travelling to Hogwarts, and access to the sweets trolley.
And the level of pain ...
... on his summer 'holiday', or 'imprisonment', Dudley decided to order out and consume five chicken vindaloos in ten minutes flat.
At the thirty minute mark, Dudley had barricaded himself in the toilet, his painful moans audible from two houses down. While his aunt fretted, Harry had demonstrated the wisdom that had kept him alive at Hogwarts for many years, and went to the pictures before the smell hit.
With foresight, Harry realised that maybe it would have been better to stick around for the three picture matinee deal; even Charlie's Angels Full Throttle would have been better than the by-product of his cousin's eating habits.
To make a long story short, it seemed the pain inflicted on Dudley's rectum was now replicated on Harry's lightning-bolt scar.
Harry barely registered Heromine and Ron supporting his weight, the pain was that distracting (not to mention he completely missed the fact she'd filled out some). What could be causing this ...
"Hi! I'm Emilee, with two 'e's! I've just transferred from California, and I'm dying to meet you! I'm sure we're going to be great pals ..."
Heromine looked at the prattling little bitch, her relative position on the platform, where everyone was looking, and the speed of the Hogwart's Express just pulling in.
Emilee (with two 'e's) suddenly found herself flying away from these great new pals of hers, and landed hard onto the rails.
Heromine looked at the now rapidly recovering Harry, and the now very quiet Ron.
They boarded, and disembarked without incident (although Ron saw a first-year's mother look down on the rails and start screaming).
The trio holed up in a cabin, locked the doors, closed the blinds, and didn't say a word until Heromine broke the silence.
"I don't know about you two ... but I'm absolutely gagging for it ..."
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