(A/N) This story was written about two years ago and has not been proofread, so expect grammatical errors, spelling mistakes and the whole jest of it. I 'would' edit it, but if I did I don't think I'll have time to edit my other stories before my last school year begins. Another reason why I'm not editing this is because this story was written when I was going through a hard phase of depression; therefore I wrote it with a whole lot of emotion and negativity. I don't plan to revise it again, so I hope you understand my decision...
Lone Wolf's Burden
I stormed around aimlessly, with Gabumon trailing closely behind me. It was good enough that I had left the group, since none of the people in it cared about me anyway. My group was enough for me. In it, it was just me, that's all there is to it. All I had to do was rely and depend on myself…not on anyone else. Ha! I couldn't believe I almost fell for the trap that they actually liked being around me.
I glanced down at Gabumon. No matter how much I told him that I'd rather be off by myself…he always followed me. And that was a true friend. But I didn't want him to care for me because then all the emotions he'd feel was only pain. After all…all I did was cause trouble to everyone, which is probably why no one went after me when I left the group. What am I thinking? Why did I want them to go after me in the first place? That's good they didn't follow me because then I'd have to deal with more problems and their childish behavior. Even though I'm the same age as them, they will never understand what I've been through…never…
Who cares if I possessed the crest of 'friendship'…that word is nothing but useless to me. To everyone in the group, all I am is someone in the way. So that is another reason why I left them. I didn't want to hold them back in achieving some goal of theirs and be a complete burden to them. Someone who just stands there and is not noticed. Someone who they see through…just like how -
"Maybe we should go back now..the other's might be - " Gabumon's worried voice intruded my thoughts but paused as he then realized that I wasn't going to pay attention or care less about what the other's thought, I was doing this for their own sakes…since I was always in their way in the first place. I'm not Digidestined…I'm just destined to live a life worth not living. I'm just living a nightmare that I will never wake up from.
I felt so dark and melancholy that it was like the darkness was eating my heart away to oblivion. But my heart…my heart was already cold enough from shutting everyone out from the true me. It was as if every step, which I took, led me to no where but my past. Everything that had happened kept repeating in my head continuously, never leaving me alone. All I wanted was to be alone…
Now that TK doesn't need me anymore I have no place in this world. It was like a trigger that set me into losing my sanity in front of everyone…that was probably another reason why I left the group. I didn't want to lose control and physically hurt anyone…just like I almost had hurt Tai. It made me relate to how similar he was to me…how he would have done it without any shame…I hated him…but I couldn't…It wasn't Tai. It wasn't TK…it was someone else…someone of my own flesh and blood…
Feeling that my feet were going to collapse any moment, I doubtfully dropped onto the soft fresh grass of the forest. It was already nighttime and you could see patches of the sky and a couple of stars beyond the leaves that draped down from the trees. I hadn't even realized how long we'd be waiting for. Hours must have passed and I hadn't known…I hadn't had the slightest idea where my feet was taking me…I didn't know where I was. And I didn't care…who would want to know where I am anyway?
I gazed down at my digimon friend. He looked as if he were about to fall asleep because he wavered here and there and his eyes were about to shut tight. I gave a weak smile at Gabumon and forced my knees against my chest looking at the surrounding around the two of us. At least I was comfortable about being in the Digiworld that in the real world…Yet still my questions were not answered…
"Why am I here?" I whispered as I felt and heard the soft breeze rustle against the tall trees. My voice was soft and weak, as if I had to remind myself to breathe…as if I had forgotten how to talk properly and loud. My lips were barely moving, " I don't belong here…I don't deserve this. Everyone seems to know or have a hunch to know why there are here and what they are to do…yet I am the outcast once again. Why did I have to be your partner when someone more alive could have been yours. I'm not worthy of you and I already can feel my sanity slipping away from me. And yet you still follow me…why?"
"Yamato," Gabumon said in an equal and steady tone to mine, " Yeah, I admit that you're different from anyone else I've ever known…including the other Digidestined. But that what makes you unique. You're yourself and you're not ashamed to show it…even if you are confused. But even with every decision you make, I will always agree to it."
"Then why can't you agree and just leave me alone?" I questioned, my eyes avoiding his as they were fixed at the ground.
"I can't. And I won't…That is the only decision that I will always disagree with you. I'm never going to leave you…and don't you ever forget that," Gabumon replied.
It was strange how Gabumon was usually ecstatic and happy, and how other times he could be a completely different creature and rather serious and mature. It was also strange how he had been paired up with me, to be my partner when we had absolutely different personalities to each other.
"Thanks," I said quietly.
"It's late. I think it's best if we go to sleep and search for the others tomorrow. TK's probably wanting to see you."
I gave a brief wince when he mentioned my brother's name. " No…I don't want to look for them. I still…I still need time…to understand my reason I exist…"
"Matt…you exist because you do. You have your reason, it's just hidden and bottled up inside of you. You'll find it one day, trust me…now, I think you'd better get some rest. We've walked quite and amount today. And maybe we'll go fishing tomorrow for food."
"Alright," I lied. " Night Gabumon, and thanks…again…"
Within seconds, Gabumon had fallen asleep. I let my back give way to lie down against the cool grass. I shivered a bit and lied down in the best position where I'd be the warmest. I stroked my blonde hair away from my face and suddenly caught the sight of my left arm. The scars where still there. There was still dried blood from a week ago in the real world… I then slowly felt myself go into a deep slumber, still having in mind how'd my scar appear in the first place…
"Leave me ALONE!" he yelled as he ducked from the other person's fist that had almost hit him.
"You're useless! And you call yourself a Man!"
The drunken figure kicked Yamato on the back that he gagged onto the cement floor. The strong scent of alcohol blended with the strong smell of vomit. The younger boy ran out of a certain room and locked the door behind him with the taunting voice calling after him… " Fine! Run off like a girl! Just like she did when I caught her with the other man!"
Yamato's chin quivered as he caught site of the sharp razor. He grasped the item and the blade cut into his skin. Scarlet blood oozed out from the wound as he cried softly…ignoring the loud bangs from the door. It was his ninth cut so far…
"It's all YOUR fault! I'm stuck with her spawn that is a senseless brat and a darn sissy who can't even take care of himself!" the roaring voice screamed crazily on the other side of the door.
Yamato let his back slide against the drawer as he thumped against the tiled floor as he cradled himself. " Everything's going to be fine…everything's going to be fine…."
But the sad thing was…it never did…things just got worse and out of the his hands…
end of dream/flashback
"Yamato…wake UP!" growled a familiar voice. " You're bleeding! When I find that person who did this to you I'll tear that person to pieces!"
"Gabumon, is that you?" my eyelids wearily opened in confusion as I could feel the dried tears on my face. I could hardly see anything because my vision was blurred. Realization struck me as I suddenly knew who the voice belonged to… " Garurumon! Why did you Digivolve?"
The Dream…it was about -
"Someone made you to bleed! Some filthy scum hurt you! Look! Can't you feel it at all?"
I gave him a look and he nodded his large head to my arms where blood had appeared… I turned to my fingernails and realized that blood dripped from the tips of them.
"Don't worry Gabumon…Digivolve back…I know how did it."
"Are you sure? That person might be dangerous," the Digimon replied in a gruff tone.
Before I knew it, the large animal had turned into a smaller version as I felt Gabumon's worried eyes linger from my straight face to the blood.
"Don't you even care that you're hurt…Matt?"
"I did it…there was no reason for you to…"
"How could you do such a thing! " Gabumon growled, " Why are you hurting yourself…?"
"I didn't know," I said truthfully as I wiped the blood against my black pants. " I think I scratched the old wound when I was sleeping, that's all. I swear. It was just a bad dream…that's all…"
"How'd you get that anyway…"
"It's nothing. No biggy," I lied and walked away and made an excuse to get Gabumon kicked off the subject, " It's only a cut that a got a couple of weeks ago. Let's just go get some breakfast…"
Gabumon stared at me a little longer then came to a decision that he could get no answers out of me…Sorry Gabumon, I'll tell you 'bout it when I'm ready too… Holding back his doubts, he followed me.
About two days later Gabumon couldn't take it anymore…
" Matt are you sure you know where we are going? To me, it seems we've been going round in circles the whole time. Even though I'm sure you're not going to listen to this…can't we just go back with the others? They might really need our help right now…"
"No," I couldn't help but scowl at him.
"Stop being so stubborn."
"I don't care," I said arrogantly.
"Can you at least stop putting that act of how you say that you don't care, when I can see right through that neutral mask of yours? Deep inside your heart I know you care. You care for everyone. But it's only your weakness to show it. You don't have to ashamed."
"Well…my heart left me a long time ago," I cursed as I stomped off…Why couldn't Gabumon just leave me? Hasn't he had enough of me already?
"You know that isn't true…"
"Stop it…just leave me alone!" I exclaimed.
"If that's what you really want," he said with evident hurt in his voice. " But I'll be back…I'll leave you for now…"
I felt rather guilty for screaming at him like that. I just I let my emotions take control of me again. That's another reason why I hate showing my emotions…when I show them, trouble always brews. I scowled at my behavior to Gabumon and furiously ran away. That's the only thing I was good at…I hesitated as I saw a rather large cave…but holding it back…I walked into it and sat in the dark. My fingers lunged in my pocket to draw my instrument…but … it wasn't there…
In panic I searched all the pockets I had on me…but it wasn't there. Great…one thing to remind me of TK…and it's not even here…I groaned.
"What now Gabumon? I thought you'd be gone by now."
"I couldn't leave you," Gabumon said.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. " About before. I didn't mean to yell at you like that…it's just…I don't know."
"There's still so many questions I need answered."
"Yamato, you know I'm always here…"
"No. I want to find them out myself…even if it has to kill me," I told him seriously, " I don't even remember who I really am…all I know I'm just some useless guy that wanders everywhere with no reason to exist…I'm just simply living a lie."
"Like a speck of dust flying around in nothingness. I don't see why I have to live when my soul is already dead," I said dryly as I pulled my knees against my chest, in the familiar position, " I've failed as a brother. TK never needed me anyway…who wouldn't when you he had someone like Tai around? I've never realized the reality that TK's grown a huge lot since the divorce…I've always treated him like a child…but no I know who needs help. It's me. I'm the one who's been acting like a child the whole time…"
"Matt! Stop putting yourself down like that…Sure you have some teenage angst, but you've been a great brother to TK!"
Yeah right "some" teen angst! Gabumon is the closest creature that's ever gotten close to me…but yet he still will never understand what I've been through…how I've waited for time to heal my wounds internally and externally…but nothing ever works. I might as well just stay here…in the dark where I belong…where no one can see me. It's all the same if I'm in the light…it's better avoiding everyone's leering eyes…Death doesn't seem that bad…then everything will be over…
I suddenly felt as if I was being plunged into a blistering cold sea…If I was to drown in it, good for me. At least I'll cause no one anymore pain.
My eyes adjusted to the darkness…
"Hey Matt, snap out of it! Come to your senses! Matt, listen!… "
flashback/ right after the divorce
The hard leather belt, was thrust upon me…making me fall upon my knees. I coughed some blood…but it made him laugh hysterically…
"DAD! Stop it! I'm sick of you…I'm sick of you doing this…you're hurting yourself by drinking all that stuff! Why can't you stop it, and accept that mom's gone?"
"That is none of your business!" he screamed back in distaste.
"I know why you're doing this!" I cried. " I KNOW!"
"I don't care if you hurt me…because I understand the pain you're going through…hurt me all you want…but don't abuse yourself! I don't want to lose anyone else…I've already lost TK and Mom! Don't leave me too!"
"What the hell are you talking about, bitch?" My father spat down upon me. He then punched me hard on my ribs and stormed away from me…leaving defenseless tears to roll down my face…
"Dad…" I whispered. I limped back to my room and drew the razor from under my pillow. " So this is it…this is what I'll do from now on. Whenever he hurts me…I'll accept it…I won't fight back…but I'll cut myself to avoid the pain…so the pain will be focused on my cuts…not on my blood noses, not any of broken fingers, not any of the hard punches…I'll cut deep until it's equal with the pain…"
end of flashback
Suddenly I felt a pain on my leg…as if I had been bitten…
"Gabumon? Ow! What are you doing? Are you crazy?"
" Don't you understand, Matt? You've got to quit comparing yourself to Tai. You're not him. It's like ice cream. He's vanilla, and you're rocky road. But only one of you is T.K.'s real brother, and it's not him."
I almost laughed at his explanation of Tai and I. Even though he was off track of what I was thinking, at least it was some form of the truth. He wasn't ready for it…he wouldn't understand. So I decided to play along with it, but told spills of only half the truth to my furry friend…
"Thanks," I grinned and gave him a hug after explaining stuff about Takeru, Tai and myself. Though I did admit the truth of actually getting close to only him ever since my family had broken up. " Thanks for listening. Gabumon."
"Any time Matt…anytime…"