A/N: THIS IS NEW! Hallo, I've decided to get rid of my grammar mistakes made in my earlier chapters, and maybe add in and take out certain things. I'd like to believe that my writing has improved over the years; so, I want to smoothen out my old chapters. Anywho, that's about it.
If you lot are wondering why is it I'm so free as to update on a school day, it's because I'm sick with fever and a throat so sore I can hardly talk. I miss talking. (sniffle.)
A/N: Hullo! This is my first Harry Potter fic and I don't know whether it's any good, so, I just hope that you guys like it. Anyway, this is based on the Order of the Phoenix; after all, you know that Lily started dating James in the 7th year, right? This is how I would've liked it to happen.
Summary: James pranks Lily one too many times, pushing her over the limit. The result? A prank war between her friends and his, the major battle of sexes will commence! Bring it on!
Disclaimer: As you all know, I do not own even own one measly scrap of Harry Potter, 'cause if I did, I would probably be stinking filthy rich. Kindly do not sue.
"Lily! God, Lily you little brat! Get down here!" a very shrill, grouchy voice shrieked.
"Coming!" yelled the 17-year-old back. She straightened hastily, throwing her last minute homework and quills into her trunk. Swinging around, she tried to gather up ink bottles and scrolls of parchment while brushing her long fiery hair away. As she threw in her stuff hastily, said tresses obstructed her vision, causing her to trip over her dark blue knapsack and topple to the ground.
"Lord, Lily! You are such a klutz!" a tall bony girl of eighteen snorted, entering the room with a superior air. Her normally sour face, resembling one who had just swallowed a lemon, was twisted into a smirk as she surveyed her little sister who was still sprawled face down at her feet. "It's no wonder that you go to that horrendous place you call a school!" she hissed in a slightly softer voice, her wide pale eyes glinting, obviously afraid of what her mother would say if she was heard, "filth like you deserve it!"
Lily stood up, furiously pushing her hair out of her eyes and glaring at her sibling angrily. Ever since they were young, they would bicker and quibble over the tiniest things, far more than ordinary sisters did. Their parents assumed that this happened because Petunia was jealous of Lily's looks and brains. Even so, they did still love each other and were rather close in their own ways. But, when Lily turned eleven and received the letter from Hogwarts, that was the last straw, their strange relationship and caring which sometimes bordered love or extreme dislike for each other turned to hate. Petunia clearly regretted the day Lily was born, so, she made her as miserable as possible, hoping that she would too. She was what Petunia viewed as a disgrace to the family name, besmirching their clean house with her filth, as she so often put it.
" Give it a rest, Petey!" Lily spat out, her emerald eyes flashing, putting extra emphasis on the last word, knowing that it would drive her up the wall. Sure enough, her nostrils flared. "What's the matter? Can't take the fact that David turned you down? That you didn't get a scholarship?"
"Why you little witch!" she snarled back, flushing slightly and inching closer towards that shorter figure. "You're a freak of nature, and you know it! You're abnormal! Twisted, foul and AAAAAHHHH!"
She stopped talking abruptly and began to screech. Mainly due to the fact that Lily had just snatched one of the Snapping Rat Packs from her Doctor Filibusters' No Heat Wet Start Fireworks collection and had set it off with a prod of her wand. Now, teeny little mice that were fizzling and sparkling silver and white were chasing her sister down the stairs.
"MOM! MOM! LILY'S DOING IT AGAIN! MA-HAAAAMM!" Petunia's screams could still be heard when Lily locked the door. It didn't matter; the fire mice would disappear when her mother came. She had been using those fireworks and other pranks to counter Petunia's taunts for years. Even though she was finally allowed to use magic, she was afraid what would happen if she lost control. Like in her fourth year, when she gave a certain, very annoying Quidditch player antlers.
Lily tried to ignore Petunia's insistent shouts to her mother that her sister had sent a hundred ghouls after her. As she was sitting on her trunk, trying to lock it while listening to her mom ask Petunia whether she'd like to go to the doctor, she heard an urgent rapping on her window. She glanced up wonderingly and spotted a light grey owl outside. It's wings and feathers were dotted with black and white. The moment she opened her window, it dropped a red envelope into her hands and took off as though it were being chased by a herd of Thestrals.
Lily stared at her mail for a few moments before realizing what it was. She had only seen a Howler once before, that was in her second year, when one of her best friends, Andrea, received one. It was beginning to smoke in the corners slightly already, she panicked, afraid that it was from Professor McGonagall complaining about her bad marks in Transfiguration. It was too late to cast a Silencing Charm on her room, so, she frantically stuck one leg out of the window and sat on the roof, glad that she had done this many times before when she wanted to be alone. She held it out like a bomb and quickly slit it open before it decided to explode in her face. Although she had clamped her hands over her ears, it failed to even muffle the shouting.
"LILY ANNE EVANS!" the red envelope hollered loudly in a deep male voice. She winced and curled up into a ball, praying that no one would notice. "SO! HOW MANY MEN ARE YOU HIDING IN YOUR ROOM NOW! OOOOHH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING, LILY EVANS! YOU SLEEP WITH YOU PROFESSORS TO PASS YOUR EXAMS, DON'T YOU! TO THINK, THAT AT THE TENDER AGE OF SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, YOU, LILY ANNE EVANS, (it seemed to get louder whenever it screamed her name, already, Muggle neighbors were popping their heads out of their windows in confusion.) HAVE DONE –IT, WITH OVER THIRTY MEN! HOW WAS OLD FLITWICK, LILS? I KNOW THAT HE'S OVER SEVENTY, BUT HE MUST'VE BEEN GOOD TO GET YOU 130 PERCENT IN YOU CHARMS EXAM, EH?"
The Howler stopped as though it were finished, by then, Lily was already redder than a tomato, making her face clash horribly with her hair and wishing that she could curl up and die. Instead of turning into ashes like Howlers usually did, this one flew right to her ear and gave a barely audible whisper.
"Nobody turns James Potter down," it hissed, before becoming a pile of grey dust.
"JAMES THOMAS POTTER!" she shrieked at the pathetically small lump of dirt at her feet, squatting down to get a better look. "You know that none of that is true! I'll get you for this you little piece of-"
Lily looked up, or more precisely, down, at a small squat figure that was staring at her. She swallowed a groan. The old lady was none other the nosiest neighbor on the block, Floreen Dursley, she was sort of a role model to Petunia. Her deeply lined and puckered face looked even darker and more forbidding than usual as continued glaring at her. Even Lily, who was used to being thought of as strange, dreaded what being seen like this would do to her reputation around the neighborhood. She realized how this looked to Mrs. Dursley, a beet-red seventeen-year-old girl with rumpled Muggle clothing and wild hair, squatting on the roof and yelling at a pile of dust.
"Hi!" Lily tried desperately to smile cheerfully, as though this was something that she did every single day. "Erm…sorry if I disturbed you ma'am, I'm just…just…" Brilliant, she cursed herself, wondering whether she dared to snatch her wand and erase Mrs. Dursley's memory, "Just…looking for…something…" Lily ended lamely.
The old woman continued to gaze skeptically at her, "Something? Then what was all that racket, girl? Why can't you be more like you sister?" she stepped back slightly in order to get a better view of Lily.
"O-oh!" Lily flushed even darker. (Grabbing her wand was starting to look very tempting right now.) "T-that was my… radio! Yes! My radio! A-and I'm looking for… for my… pet!"
"Petunia didn't tell me you had a pet!" she growled suspiciously. "Exactly what song was that supposed to be? It sounded like someone was screeching your name! Now tell me, why on Earth are you screaming at a pile of dust? James, was it not?"
Damn! She groaned inwardly. For an elderly person, that woman had sharp eyes and ears. "Right," she tried once more to give a reassuring smile, which resulted with her looking like she had stomach cramps, "T-that was a song made by a friend," a friend that I'm going to murder, she added darkly, still trying to smile. "You know how our music is these days! A-and, this is my pet!" She grabbed the largest bit of dust and held it up proudly, trying to think of a rare and exotic creature that resembled a miniscule lump of ash.
"An ant?" she stated incredulously, sniffing loudly in disdain while raising an eyebrow.
"Exactly! (So much for rare and exotic.)" she agreed, nodding vigorously and turning to her new animal. "This is James! I guess that I was annoyed that James had just bitten me and… and everything… Erm…. Bad boy, James! Bad!" she frowned at the bit of dust clamped between her forefinger and her thumb, continuing to babble mindlessly. "Jamesie, this is Mrs. Floreen Dursley, a really lovely lady! Ma'am, this is James Thomas Potter. Oh, look at that! I think that he likes you and-"
She stopped as Mrs. Dursley put out a hand imperiously. "When Petunia told me about you, I thought that she had to be exaggerating. Now, I see that she was far too kind," she paused, turning her hawk like stare to Lily's hand, where 'James' was. "I have my eye on you, girl. Good day to you, Lily." She paused and snorted before adding. "James."
Lily waited until she had slammed the door shut, most likely about to tell the entire neighborhood about the increased weirdness of "that Lily girl", before flopping down on the roof and giving a huge sigh of relied. She scowled and flung her supposed ant as hard as she could and kicked the pile of dust.
A young man with rumpled black hair strolled casually towards the barrier of Platform 9 ¾. He pushed his heavy trolley along, allowing a smile to cross his face as he stepped through the wall, hearing the joyful greetings at his arrival and catcalls from admiring girls. He flashed his trademark lopsided grin that made a pretty blonde witch near him swoon. Running a hand through his already messy hair to make it stick up even more he winked at another group of girls, causing them to give absurdly happy grins.
"Prongs," muttered another student next to him out of the corner of his mouth, "If you're done causing the entire female population here to fall at your feet, you'll help me look for Remus and Peter."
"Speak for yourself, Padfoot," he replied to his strikingly handsome companion who was attracting as much, if not more attention than he was.
Just then, a smiling witch with a curvy figure that many women could only dream of having, sidled up to Sirius's side, clinging on to his arm. She fluttered her heavily lashed sky-blue eyes, pouted her already pouty lips and said in a husky, drawn out voice, "Hi… Sirius…"
"Chelsea!" he gave her a welcoming smile, eyeing her Muggle clothes appraisingly. Her low red tube top showed off cleavage and her black jeans hugged her every curve. Before his companion could blink, Chelsea had already thrown herself violently on Sirius and was smearing his entire face with ruby colored lipstick.
His friend stepped back and eyed the busy couple with a slight look of disgust, "Right," he said to the snogging duo, "Come to the Head Boy compartment when the prefects are gone, okay? I'll look for the other two."
Sirius didn't reply as his mouth was currently occupied. Instead, he sort of twitched his head without opening his eyes and took one hand off his subject's bottom and waved it impatiently, as though he were shooing away an annoying fly.
He got the hint and shook his head, rumpling his hair again. He smiled to himself before walking away. Sirius'll never change, he mused, he only met Chelsea… Chelsea…what's her name? He frowned and racked his brain to find her surname amongst the numerous names of his and Sirius's past fancies. Brown? Wait. No. That was Linda. Le' Fay? Yeah, Chelsea Le' Fay. Met her two days ago. He glanced around, although girls near him were whispering to each other and smiling to him suggestively, he wasn't getting the same sort of greeting that Sirius got.
"JAMES THOMAS POTTER!" shouted somebody behind him.
He winced at his middle name, sincerely hoping it wasn't Linda, a very… unstable girl who he'd left at the end of last term. Giving his brightest smile, he turned to face the speaker. His grin faltered when he saw a pair of furious emerald eyes. Immediately, he tried to compose himself, leaning against his trolley in an effort to look relaxed.
"Alright, Evans?" he asked, trying to sound mature, widening his smirk as he looked down at her from his impressive height of 6'1 (a great deal taller than his subject's meager figure of 5'5, he might add.). She was in a simple top and (to his delight.) skirt. Her pale skin was flushed and wavy auburn hair flying out behind her, making her amusing to look at, to say the least.
"Quit it, Potter!" she snarled, bringing him back to reality. He then realized that he'd been staring openly. "Stop undressing me with your eyes!"
"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, Evans," James replied, trying and failing dismally to look innocent. He ignored Sirius who had finally noticed that his friend was missing, seeing the plight that James was in now, he merely flashed him a wink and a smile before returning to 'business'.
"Potter!" she spluttered, her face turning slightly red now, obviously mildly flustered. He widened his smirk further and ruffled his hair again, knowing that she hated it. Sure enough, her glare intensified. He couldn't help noticing that she was very cute when she was mad. "I did not come here to socialize with you! You were the idiot that sent me that rotten Howler weren't you! That got me into trouble!"
"Why, Evans," he drawled inching closer and slinging his arm casually over her shoulders. He felt her stiffen beneath him, but was apparently too surprised to move. He also noted the warning look that Sirius, who had broken off his conversation with Remus and Peter to watch the drama that was unfolding (while trying to wipe off the smeared lipstick from his cheeks with an already very red handkerchief), sent him, "I would think that you'd like it. After all, many girls would love to get into trouble… especially with me."
She shot him a huge look of disgust before shoving his arm off her shoulders and stepping away. "Sod off, Potter! You're such an arrogant little berk! You think that any girl would be thrilled to even stand near you!" her voice was steadily gaining momentum and power, causing several people to turn and stare. "Well let me enlighten you, Potter! You're definitely not all that! And I'll get back at you for embarrassing me in front of my entire neighborhood, if it's the last thing I do!"
"Ah, my little lily flower," cooed James calmly, as if he weren't talking to a fuming girl who badly wanted to strangle him, "You don't understand. I am James Potter. And no one, and I mean no one, has ever successfully pranked or embarrassed me before."
"Y-you snobby bastard!" she yelled, her face turning a brilliant shade of red as she choked on her words in anger. "You are such a prick! You think you're the king of Hogwarts, so you're untouchable! I'm telling you Potter! You'll be sorry!"
James stared blankly for a while before saying, "Right. So. Does this mean that you won't say yes if I ask you to go out with me?"
Lily gaped at him. After all that yelling and screaming, he still had the nerve to ask her out!
"UGH!" she finally shouted, throwing her hands up and flouncing off, apparently too frustrated and annoyed to speak.
James continued to admire the sway of her hips as she stormed away. Remus, Sirius and Peter walked up to him, joining him in gazing at his fancy while she joined her two friends.
Remus, a tall boy of the same height as James with wavy, sandy brown hair and deep grey eyes flecked slightly with blue was the first to break the silence, "What did you do this time?"
James simply shrugged and said, "Nothing much."
"Does this have anything to do with the Howler you sent off this morning?" Sirius asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
All of them burst out laughing, except for Remus, who, although the corners of his mouth twitched, surveyed James sternly. "For goodness sake, Prongs! I'd have thought, that after trying to ask her out for two years, you would've tried a different tactic," the three boys were still chuckling and snickering, so, he continued with a sigh. "Namely, not annoying her to death."
"C'mon, Moony! Lighten up! Prongs'll get her this year, I mean, how long can she resist? He's been mooning over her for so long already!" said Sirius, clapping James on the back.
"You said that last year," he countered, "And the year before that."
"I do not moon over her," argued James, who had stopped laughing the moment he heard that, "It's just a matter of conquest, in fact-"
"And there I was, thinking that she had just found out that James was chosen to be Head Boy!" exclaimed Peter, who was still howling with mirth, cutting him off.
"What did you feed Dumbledore anyway?" asked Sirius, chortling.
"You're just annoyed, because you know that the Head Boy and Girl have their own private dorms!" said James with a smirk, "Which means that I won't have to put up with-"
"Wait a minute!" Remus spoke up suddenly, James looked up, clearly affronted after being interrupted twice already, "What d'you mean when you said that Lily would be mad?"
"Huh?" Peter looked confused for a second, then his face lit up. "Oh! You know, since she's going to have to work with Prongs for the whole year. I mean, she is the Head Girl, after all."
His explanation was met by silence.
"You… didn't know?" Peter tried tentatively.
Sirius let out another shout of raucous laughter, making several first years nearby turn and stare, "Like I said, Jamesie, you'll get her this year."
"If he survives," Moony added ominously, before joining Sirius who was already doubling over with laughter.
"Shut it, you lot," said James, suddenly grinning. "I'll be off to meet my Head Girl, and don't call me Jamesie, Lipstick Boy."
He strode off eagerly with Remus, who was a prefect and had to follow his demented leader, leaving Sirius to use his already sodden piece off cloth to wipe his face, with Wormtail, who was faithfully trying to point out where the remaining lipstick marks were.
"ARGH!" yelled Lily loudly, letting off her anger the moment she reached her a tall Asian girl. She threw her backpack violently to the ground and glared at it, as though it were the source of her problems.
The girl, also known as her long-time friend, Taylor Lee, looked exceedingly apprehensive. "Err…" she said, unsure what to say lest it trigger Lily's temper. She was a few inches taller than Lily, Chaser for the Gryffindor house, had known her for about 7 years, and the girl still managed to terrify her with her rage.
"Him," hissed Lily, jerking a shaking finger towards the general direction the prat that infuriated her was.
"Umm…" she said again, still scared. Taylor was famed for her quiet countenance and diplomatic skills, always the voice of reason. Sadly, in the face of danger, they deserted her.
"I come bearing gossip!" squealed another girl, breaking away from a large group of giggling peers who were slathered in make-up to join them. "Do you know that Frank Longbottom is going to marry-"
"Andrea," said Taylor, her dark brown eyes twitching, "this might not be the best time."
"Why not?" she asked. Andrea Rose, also one of Lily's best friends, was known as the resident Gryffindor fashion obsesser. One who didn't know her well could call her a ditz due to her large love for gossip, clothes and anything shiny. Of course, said person who didn't know her well would also end up in the Hospital Wing soon after. She was undeniably striking with large blue eyes and raven hair, and used her looks to her fullest advantage, working through boys like a hot knife through butter. Although she had never stayed with a guy for more than a month, (no one quite knew the reason why, assuming she was just a tart out for fun.) she was fiercely loyal to her friends. "Everyone loves gossip! Don't you love gossip… Li… Oh."
"Err… Chocolate Frog, Lily?" asked Taylor, hesitantly, hoping to clam her down with her usual remedy. Lily was usually serene and reasonable, but James was a special case, with a well-practiced technique to bring out her explosive side.
Lily took it without looking at her. She then tore the wrapper roughly and bit off the frog's head before it could even twitch, resulting with a horrible cracking sound. She continued scowling angrily at the chocolate that was making dying movements in her palm.
"Was it Potter again?" asked Andrea immediately; the second Lily had her mouth full so she couldn't start yelling.
"Honestly, Andy, you have all the tact of a rampaging Hippogriff," commented Taylor disapprovingly.
Andrea ignored her and continued staring at Lily.
"Yeah," she answered finally, after she finished crunching up her frog, "That bloody idiot sent a Howler to my entirely Muggle neighborhood. It screeched a load of crap and got me into trouble."
"Well, compared to all the stuff he's done before, that isn't so bad," said Taylor comfortingly.
"Let me guess," cut in Andrea, not heeding Taylor's vigorous head shaking, "He got it to accuse you of doing something to Flitwick to give you top marks in charms, didn't he?" When Lily nodded sourly, she continued, "He's such a sore loser! He just can't take the fact that you wiped the board with his arse in that subject," When Lily didn't agree, she kept on talking, blissfully unaware of the nudges she was receiving. "Well, geez, Lily! That's not your most embarrassing moment! Remember the time in the first year when he"-
She shut up after getting the hint when Taylor stepped firmly on her foot.
But, it was too late.
"ARGH!" screamed Lily again, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her ears tightly with her palms, as though she were trying to block out the memory. "I told you never to talk to me about it again! Ever! I've been trying to forget it for seven long years now and-"
"Lily, you had better get to Head Girl compartment to give the prefects their orders," Taylor interrupted hurriedly, shooting a glare at Andrea, who was already imitating Lily's usual gestures and mouthing the words from her lengthy, favorite, I- Hate- Potter speech behind her back. They knew from experience, that if they didn't cut her off early, she would be ranting for hours.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Lily, her eyes widening in dismay. "You're right! D'you know who the Head Boy is?"
"Well… erm… err…." Began Taylor, looking at Andrea desperately for help.
"Lily, you're not going to make a good impression if you're late," she jumped in quickly, picking up the hint for once.
"Right! Meet me in the head Girl compartment when the prefects are gone! See ya!" she said, before dashing away.
"You think that we should've told her?" asked Taylor, looking worried.
"Nah," replied Andrea indifferently, admiring her long, loose ringlets in her compact, "I'm not going to have my head bitten off just for being the messenger."
"Should we raid the food cart for chocolate like last year? It clamed her down and stopped her from making the first years wet their pants," Taylor suggested.
Suddenly, they heard someone who sounded suspiciously like their missing comrade scream "YOU!" from inside the train.
Both of them looked at each other before making a mad dash toward the food cart at the back of the Hogwarts Express.
Author's Note: Okay. Erm. This is my first humor fic, so, I'm not sure if it's any good. Please review, 'cuz I definitely need opinions. Sadly, I won't be able to update soon since I'm having my school exams. Gimme a few weeks, or I could email you guys if you want. Anyway, it's getting late. And I get slightly strange when it's late. Toodles.