Title: Not Quite Shakespeare

Author: Novalee Sims

Disclaimer: Yes, I own Harry Potter! It's MINE! ALL MINE!!! whisper whisper Wait, I don't? Okay, well, never mind then.

I haven't read the fifth book yet, so just disregard any and all conflicting information. It's not my fault. Besides, I like my world better.

Note: After reading the really, really funny Ultimate Bad Fic thread on portkey.org, I decided to read back over this story. Anything that either freakishly differed from canon (GoF and below) or sounded as if the words "like" or "totally" should be in the sentence was edited/deleted.


Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face.

Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek

For that which thou hast heard me speak tonight.

Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny

What I have spoke : but farewell compliment !

Dost thou love me ? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'

And I will take thy word : yet, if thou swear'st,

Thou mayst prove false ; at lovers' perjuries,

Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,

If though dost love, pronounce it faithfully :

Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,

I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay,

So thou wilt woo ; but else, not for the world.

In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,

And therefore thou mayst think my 'havier light :

But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true

Than those that have more cunning to be strange.

I should have been more strange, I must confess,

But that thou overheard'st, ere I was ware,

My true love's passion : therefore pardon me,

And not impute this yielding to light love,

Which the dark night hath so discovered.


Draco Malfoy closed the book with a snap. Muggle rubbish, all of it. How could he be expected to pass an exam when he couldn't understand what the bloody wench was saying? And what of that, too? Muggle books in a wizard school. Muggles weren't forced to study wizard books, now were they? Well, muggles didn't really know about wizards but... Well, honestly that just didn't matter, at least in this particular rant.

"Does everyone understand that last line?" The new professor's glasses slid down her nose as she tried to brush a rogue piece of blond hair out of her face. "Does anyone have any questions?"

Beside him, Pansy raised her hand slowly.

"Yes, Pansy?" The women seemed quite pleased that someone had actually listened to her. This was obviously her first teaching job. "You have a question?"

"Yeah. Umm. What?"

"You didn't understand?" The girl looked surprised when Pansy nodded. "Well, which part confused you?"

"Pretty much everything after 'thou'." Pansy looked apologetic.

"Mr. Weasley?" She looked over to the Gryffindor side of the classroom.

Ron Weasley nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Oh. Yeah?" He yawned sleepily.

"Would you like to explain the passage to Miss Parkinson?"

Draco smirked. This would be good.

"Well, umm, apparently this Juliet girl, she, well, she's blushing and, something about Romeo?" Ron stammered out, while flipping through the pages frantically.

"Does anybody want to explain this paragraph? Anyone at all?" Her gaze swept the classroom for some sort of response. "Does anyone even understand any of this? Well?" She was met with silence.

Normally, Granger would be having a spaz attack right about now but, oddly, she didn't have this class. The whole class was odd, not even counting the completely inexperienced Professor Sinclair. It was an mixture of fifth, sixth, and seventh year students thrown together. Most were from Gryffindor or Slytherin but there were a handful of Hufflepuffs and even a couple of Ravenclaws sprinkled here and there.

In the very back of the Gryffindor section a hand cautiously raised itself over the heads of some inattentive seventh years.

"Umm, Professor Sinclair?" A tiny voice said shakily.

"Yes?" The professor asked unenthusiastically while rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"Well, is Juliet saying that, well I'm probably wrong but, is she maybe saying that she knows that she should be, you know, playing hard to get but since he heard her talking about how much she, well, loves him and she doesn't really see the point? And she wants to know if he loves her back, but she's afraid that he doesn't really, even though she knows that if he said 'yes' she'd believe him?"

Professor Sinclair's eyes snapped open.

"That's exactly right! That's, well, that's wonderful!" She stood up, smiling broadly. "Good job, Miss...?"

"Weasley." The voice said timidly.

Every head in the classroom whipped around to stare at the small girl who sunk down in her chair, blushing furiously.

Draco was floored. A Weasley? Well, he'd known Ron Weasley had a little sister, he vaguely remembered her from his second year, but he had kind of forgotten her in the last couple of years. He turned slightly to get a good look at her.

She was petite, not at all like her brother. Her face was thin, with huge brown eyes that seemed to take up nearly half of her face, set in a deer-in- the-headlights expression as she cowered under all of the stares. There was a sprinkle of freckles across her nose and her hair was most definitely Weasley hair. It was pulled back in a messy bun with wild, red curls springing loose everywhere. She more that slightly resembled a mouse. The kind of person that blended into the wallpaper, Draco thought.

"Why don't you come down here?" The blond professor gushed, completely oblivious to the dismayed expression on the young girls face.

Draco felt a tiny pang of sympathy as the littlest Weasley walked shakily down the isle, which was quickly crushed with one word. Weasley.

He half watched as Professor Sinclair continued to ask the girl about Romeo and Juliet, bouncing around like a little kid on Christmas.

"Well, class!" The woman shouted, her glasses perched precariously on the side of her face. "I have an announcement! To help you understand this beautiful work of literature, I have decided that we are going to do a little project!"

"Woo hoo." Blaise Zabini whispered sarcastically from her seat next the Draco.

"Instead of reading Romeo and Juliet, we are going to be living it!"

Everyone merely stared at her.

"I mean, we'll be acting it out!" She exclaimed excitedly. " With costumes and everything! You know, like a play!" She grinned expectantly at the group of students.

Draco couldn't resist. He just couldn't.

"Why?" He spoke up.

"Why? What could you possibly mean?"

She had answered him. This muggle-loving airhead had no idea who she was dealing with. No one, but no one ever answered him. He had the sudden urge to rub his hands together while laughing maniacally. Instead he leaned back in his seat, a self-righteous smirk set on his face.

"I mean, you twit, that I just don't see the point." He drawled. "When will we need any of this in real life? I don't know about you, but I really don't really need to know how to say 'I'm a sentimental loser in puffy tights' in old English, thanks."

"W-what?" Professor Sinclair gasped out in shock.

"Well, let me break it down for you. A: It's muggle, which basically means it's crap." Draco continued, ignoring several muggle-born Gryffindors who had to be tackled before they strangled him. "B: It's not like we can understand any of it anyway. C: Where's the plot? True love? Star-crossed lovers? Love-at-sodding-first-sight? Bahh." He finished with a flourish.

The Slytherins all grinned at him, a couple of the seventh years applauding. Malfoy was always good for a laugh. Maybe this class wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Well, at least you retained the star-crossed lovers part." Professor Sinclair said after a moment, instantly wiping the smug look off of Draco's face and triggering a snort of laughter from Ron Weasley.

"As I was saying before," She continued. "We will be acting out Romeo and Juliet. And I think, that Miss Weasley would be absolutely perfect for Juliet."

She grinned at the undersized Gryffindor, who looked as if she might throw up.

"I'll be assigning the rest of the parts Monday. Have a good weekend." Professor Sinclair shouted over the bell. "You too, Juliet!" She exclaimed, clapping girl on the back, completely ignoring the horrified look on her face.

As Draco made his way out of the classroom he caught sight of little Weasley trying without success to push her way through the crowd, a tiny tear sliding down her face.

Draco felt an alien sense of pity rush through him. Frowning to himself, he made a decision. No Weasley ever made Draco feel sorry for them. Well, if that was the way it was going to be, he'd give her something to cry about.

Draco Malfoy was no softy.


Ginny Weasley tried desperately not to cry as a sixth year pushed her out of his way. Her heart was still beating like a rabbits from her encounter with Professor Sinclair.

Ginny was no social butterfly, in fact the very thought of getting up in front of that classroom again made her feel nauseous. And getting up there every day with some boy she didn't know or, worse, a boy she did know, well, she didn't even want to think about it.

A tear escaped and rolled down her face. Ginny tried desperately to wipe her eyes as she finally escaped the classroom. She was so absorbed with attempting to rid her face of any sign of crying that she failed to see the perfectly polished black boot in her path until it was to late.

With a little Oh! Ginny went tumbling to the ground, her books falling all around her. Opening her eyes she found herself staring at the shoes that had tripped her. Raising her eyes slowly she saw black robes, a gleaming Slytherin badge, and a little further up still, the face of the very last person she wanted to see.

Draco Malfoy stared down at her, grinning maliciously.

"Hullo, Weasley."


Well, there you go. I know it's a little short but I'll try to get another one up as soon as possible and--- you'll live right? You HATE me!

Love it? Hate it? Want to burn me at the nearest stake? Let me know! This is just a teeny bit different from my usual writing (you know it actually has a PLOT), so tell me what you think.

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