This manual was, of course, inspired by Theresa Green's hilarious manuals for certain Fellowship members and was undertaken with her approval and blessing. To my knowledge, this will be the first manual written for a Silmarillion character.
* * * CONGRATULATIONS * * *
You are now the proud owner of a FËANOR! In order to reap the full potential of your Noldo genius and avoid any unpleasant incidents, it is highly recommended that you follow the instructions detailed in this manual. Note: Formenos Technologies, Ltd. cannot be held liable for any mishaps resulting from failure to read and comply with safety procedures in handling your spirit of Fire.
Name: Fëanor, also answers to Curufinwë and Fëanáro
Type: Noldorin Elf
Manufacturer: Formenos Technologies, Ltd., Finwë/Míriel division
Date of Manufacture: Quellë 52, Year of the Trees 322
Length: Information presently not available. Please refer to www.libraryofmoria.com for more detailed specifications.
Skills: Highly skilled in multiple techniques
Your FËANOR comes equipped with the following items:
a. Chisel and lapidary tools
b. Sword, slightly bloodstained
c. Unbreakable Oaths For All Occasions, 2nd Edition, Eru Ilúvatar Press
d. 3 Silmarils (AA batteries and light of the Two Trees not included)
e. 1 bottle of Losgar ® lighter fluid
Your FËANOR comes prepackaged in a padded box with restraints to keep him safe and sound during transit. As a result, he will most likely be extremely restless and quite vocal when he is unpacked and installed.
If your FËANOR model curses you as an oppressor and spawn of Morgoth upon installation, there is no reason for concern. FËANOR models are normally quite boisterous and vocal, and any glitch can generally be overcome with the installation of SILMARIL 3 software or the application of a patch under the same brand name.
If your FËANOR model comes packaged as part of a Noldorin Two-Pack with a NERDANEL model, he has likely seen to reprogramming his own software. Should you find additional models in the crate*, you are under no obligation to return these.
* Formenos Technologies, Ltd. gratuity models come bearing the brand names of MAEDHROS, MAGLOR, CELEGORM, CARANTHIR, CURUFIN, AMROD and AMRAS.
Your FËANOR is ideally suited for any number of tasks, including:
Motivational Speaking: When you want to give a rousing speech and incite your neighbors to acts of recklessness and/or random violence, there is no better speaker than your FËANOR model. He comes programmed with various motivational speech software programs, including Righteous Indignation, Bloodlust and Unbreakable Oaths.
Reading and Language Arts Teacher: Your FËANOR model delights in small children and will promptly set to teaching them the alphabet. And with the addition of a Tengwar software program, he will even invent a whole new alphabet for your children!
Handyman: Need a light bulb installed? Need somebody to set up that book shelf you keep meaning to put together? Looking for a cheap contractor to build you that dream extension to your house? Your FËANOR model is not only adept at toggling nuts and bolts, he will draw the blueprints, dig the foundation and raise the structure himself.
Locksmith: Tired of paying an outside locksmith to come change your locks every time you have a messy break-up with your significant other? Your FËANOR model will be more than happy to forge brand-new locks, keys and dead bolts for you. And if you are particularly nice to him, he may set a FINWË model to guard your front door.
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Your FËANOR model is by nature a loner. As long as he is kept supplied with sufficient materials and an adequate workspace, he does not need frequent interaction with other models. Formenos Technologies, Ltd. has preprogrammed your model with three modes of interaction:
If you wish to socialize your FËANOR model, he is compatible with FINWË, MAHTAN and NERDANEL models, unless your NERDANEL model is set to Separation mode. Your FËANOR model is also compatible with offshoot models from the Sons of Fëanor ® line and they will quickly look to him as a leader. However, it is not recommended that your FËANOR be allowed to adjust the programming on any Sons of Fëanor ® model.
The factory-installed default is Moody. Other settings are not recommended for inexperienced users, particularly if there are MORGOTH, VALAR or TELERI models in the home. FËANOR models are also known to be quite hostile toward FINARFIN, FINGOLFIN and INDIS models, regardless of setting.
TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR FËANOR MODEL:
Your FËANOR model is an intricate combination of craftsmanship and programming, and in the course of operations you may encounter the following situations:
Problem: Your FËANOR refuses to forge locks, build or otherwise make himself useful as advertised.
Solution: Unfortunately, this is one of the permanent glitches in the FËANOR model's programming. Your best solution is to purchase a FINGOLFIN or FINARFIN model and put them to work on any necessary household projects. Your FËANOR will promptly insist on displaying his superior genius and you will be rewarded with an effort that far exceeds your specifications. However, as this method is quite frequently fatal to your FINGOLFIN and FINARFIN models, you may want to invest in a reasonable Pentium IV Mandos Rebooting software system.
Problem: Your FËANOR model is prone to spontaneous combustion and you are tired of purchasing new models.
Solution: Do you also own a GOTHMOG model? And have you recently allowed unsupervised interaction between your FËANOR and GOTHMOG models? FËANOR models are preprogrammed to self-destruct if mortally wounded by any BALROG unit.
Problem: Your FËANOR unit returns home with a bloody sword and car of unknown origin which he promptly torches.
Solution: Check the setting on your model. Most likely your FËANOR is set on Kinslaying mode. If this is the case, promptly check on the status of any TELERIN models you may have in the house and take away your FËANOR model's sword, matches and/or lighter.
Problem: Your FËANOR does not live up to his hype. He shows no interest in handiwork or in the light-up Silmarils he comes packaged with. Instead, he spends his time brooding and composing sad music.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a MAGLOR model. If you do not care for soulful, musical Noldor, you may return him to the factory for an exchange or full refund.
Problem: Your FËANOR model suffers from a persistent inferiority complex in which he insists that he's just as good as his grandfather
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a CELEBRIMBOR model. The procedure is the same as with the MAGLOR model above.
Problem: Your FËANOR model complains that someone has stolen his Silmarils and has become extremely testy. You have tried adjusting his settings, but fear he may malfunction.
Solution: The FËANOR model can easily be appeased with a set of glow-in-the-dark golf balls or light-up glass or cubic zirconia paperweights until such time as you can order replacements through our catalog. However, until such time as your model's Silmaril replacements arrive, he should not be allowed to interact with any MORGOTH or VALAR models you may have about the house. Keep your FËANOR model in a cool, dark location with a FINWË model for company.
If this does not work, try unwrapping a NERDANEL model and placing her with your FËANOR model.
Problem: Your FËANOR model insists on speaking with a pronounced lisp.
Solution: This glitch can easily be corrected by deleting your FËANOR's Shibboleth software and then rebooting.
With careful monitoring and extra precautions, you should get the full benefit out of your FËANOR model. Be assured the spirit of Fire, with his inherent and superior Noldorin genius, will ensure you and your family are the envy of your neighborhood for centuries to come.