Title:: The Four Inescapable Rules of Life

Author:: Lokaia

Summary:: This entire fic is based around something one of my professors said.

Disclaimer:: Space Cases and The Rules do not belong to me. SC is Peter David's and Bill Mumy's. The Rules belong to my 060 professor.

Rating:: Not sure yet, but at the moment it's probably PG-13 for later cursing.


There are four inescapable rules of life. That's it. You would think there would be more, but there's not. Just four. No more, no less.

How do I know this?

My name is Bova. I'm from the planet Uranus, located in the Solar System, and before that, you could call up my ancestors on an older-than-everything planet called Rigel.

Currently, you can find me bored in the team room of the starship Christa, somewhere in unidentified space.

That last location is why I know about these rules. No, not the team room. Not even unidentified space, though that is where most of my experiences with the rules occur.

The Christa. She is out to get us all. And she follows these rules to the letter. I should know. I've been documenting them since we boarded this ship. I'm writing a thesis. So when I'm sitting on the couch, writing Ms. Davenport's latest essay, and the intercom flares to life and barks

"All hands to Command Post!"

in Commander Goddard's voice, I think I'm the only who isn't surprised.

"Oh, Grozit, what now?" Suzee grumbles, glaring at the intercom as if to will it to say, "Just kidding!"

The rules do not bend to your will, Suzee, no matter how many of us on the Christa do.

Speaking of which, Harlan has already jumped up, rushing to the jumptubes and Radu is just behind him. He turns around and says, "Come on!" and even though it's focused towards us all, Rosie takes this as an open invitation and grabs his hand. They run off down the hall together.

Suzee's still sitting there grumbling. "Well, if everyone else is going…" She gets up and leaves me behind.

I glance at the completely unfinished essay in my hands.

Davenport can wait. I've got my thesis to work on.


I can hear my name being called before I'm even out of the jumptube. When I land, everyone is looking at me and, with the exception of Rosie, looking a little annoyed.

"Took you long enough," Harlan grumbles, turning his attention back to the view screen.

Goddard just glares at him before turning back to me. "Bova, I need you to scan the ship in front of us."

"Yes, sir." I'd stopped pointing out the glaringly obvious danger to all of Commander Goddard's plans a long time ago. Not only was it pointless, but really, it was only helping my thesis.

I type in a few commands to my console and wait while the sensors activate. I glance over the readings, automatically repeating the rules in my head and sighed. They never failed, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do more research today.

"Mr. Bova? What did you find?"

Oh well.

"No life forms, Commander." I re-thought that. "Well, no carbon based life forms."

"So it's empty," Harlan said, disappointed.

"No, there just aren't any carbon based life forms," Ms. Davenport commented, walking through the doors of the Command Post. "There could be a number of different species still present, Mr. Band."

"What sort of ship design is that?" Suzee asked suddenly. "I've never seen anything like it."

Goddard shook his head. "I haven't either. It looks more like a custom design, but not completely foreign. See? There's part of the Rigelian alphabet, but I'm not sure which sect."

Rosie squinted at the ship. "Me neither. It's not Mercurian."

Suzee was quiet for a moment, then shook her head. "It's not Saturnian, either."

I was staring in surprise at the ship in front of us. "It's Uranusian," I said, shocked.

Harlan groaned. "Great. Just what we need. A ship full of Bova."

Goddard sent him a disapproving glare, but I could tell he wasn't thrilled about it either.

Truth be told, neither was I. But I think mine was for an entirely different reason.

"Bova's carbon-based, silly!" Rosie told Harlan. Rushing to my defense, as always. Yes, I am indeed carbon-based. "Uranusians would have shown up on the scanners."

"Uranusian-Rigelians," Suzee added. I think she was the first to notice the look I'd put on my face. Just to see if anyone noticed. Go, Suzee. "Bova, what's the matter?"

I shook my head. "There aren't any Rigelians in there."

"What is?" Radu asked. He was watching me intently. Now that I thought about it, it had probably been him, not Suzee, to notice my discomfort. She had just said something first.

"Well… if I'm right, which I very well couldn't be… there's a Uranusian animal called a creye."

"Is it dangerous?" Goddard asked.

"No, not really," I told him, shaking my head.

Within seconds, my crewmates had decided to investigate the Rigelian ship and the creyes.

What they didn't hear was my attempts to explain that no, creyes weren't dangerous in the way that Earth Egyptian tombs weren't dangerous. If you left them alone, they weren't going to do anything to you.

If you bug them, they have a tendency to spit salt acid out at you and melt your face off.

But, of course, they didn't hear that.

#1 Inescapable Rule of Life:: Things are going to get bad.


(A/N) Interested in finding out what the other three Rules are?