Disclaimer: JK owns it. Not me.
A/N: Written for a contest. General poking-fun at the extremely overdone clichés of D/Hr. (not that all fics that begin in this way are bad. Some are very good.)
Hermione looked at the train in front of her. She had become astonishingly beautiful over the summer because the author needs an excuse to make Draco look at her. Her bushy hair had been tamed and now hung slickly around her shoulders in a way that EVERYONE knows doesn't happen in real life.
'Hermione!' came a shout, and she spun around to see her two best friends rushing across the station platform towards her. Both Harry and Ron had grown over the summer and developed both a tan and impressive muscles. This is probably because the author is a girl, and has sent them to a health spa in the Caribbean through a random plot hole for the specific purpose.
'Harry! Ron!' Hermione squealed. She was squealing because Neville's toad had just bitten her big toe. 'You look great!'
'Oh my God! What did you do to your hair!' asked Harry.
'It looks amazing!' added Ron.
There is also the distinct possibility that the author hypnotised Ron and Harry to make them think they were ditzy American girls. This is probably one of the reasons why Book 5 was so late.
'Come on you two, the train's about to leave!'
They ran on, and sat in an empty compartment.
'So Hermione,' asked Harry, 'How was your summer?'
Hermione suddenly burst into tears. The memories of summer were too painful! Why did Harry have to remind her? Why? Why? WHY?
'Leave me alone!' she cried.
Hermione ran out of her compartment, and straight into Draco Malfoy. They fell straight into a broom closet, the door of which was shut behind them by a helpful plot device. Why exactly there was a broom closet on a train, no one ever knew.
In the dim and perfect-for-snogging light, Hermione could see that the author had made Draco, too, a lot cuter over the summer, probably at the same health spa Ron and Harry had been to. He now had devilishly good looks, right down to the little red horns and pointy tail, which was 'accidentally' curled around Hermione's right leg.
'Get off me, Mudblood' he drawled seductively.
'M… Malfoy… bugger off.' She sobbed.
'But Hermione!' he said smoothly in his new baritone, husky voice, wrapping his tanned and muscled arms around her, 'What is wrong?'
She looked deeply into his pale blue eyes, even though it says in Chamber of Secrets that they're grey. Grey, damn you, grey! 'Oh, Draco!' she cried, flinging her arms around him and sobbing openly into his shoulder.
'Let it all out Hermione!'
'It's my parents! First they started fighting! And dad started abusing mum!'
He nodded sympathetically. 'Oh Hermione, I know what you mean!'
'Oh Draco!' she sobbed. 'And then Voldemort murdered them! And he murdered my aunt and my uncle and my other uncle and my sixteen cousins and my second-cousin twelve times removed's dog!' She bawled, and Draco patted her head. The author threw everyone else in the train into a random plot hole, so that the two weren't disturbed.
'Oh Hermione! I feel I must tell you of my horrible and traumatic childhood. For it is true, my father is a… Death Eater!'
The author provided a dramatic 'Dun dun dun!!!'
Hermione gasped as if it wasn't perfectly obvious he was, and drew violently back, throwing Draco's arms from around her. His devil tail, however, was still wound tightly and seductively around her leg.
'It is true! And you are an evil, spawn of evil, Death Eater (Dun dun dun!!!) to be!' she squealed, having landed on a particularly pointy broomstick.
'No! I will never follow the path of my father, even though I've been acting like a bully for years!' He shouted. 'Oh Hermione, I never wanted to be a Death Eater! (The authors' Dun dun dun!!! machine broke.) My father forced me!' He burst into tears, and they bawled on each other for a few minutes.
When they fell silent, they were lying in each other's arms. Draco still had his tail wrapped round Hermione's leg, it was cutting off blood circulation to her foot, and the pointed end was slowly inching its way upwards…
'Oh Draco!' Hermione whispered, looking into his blue-but-should-be-grey eyes.
'Oh Hermione!' He replied, and kissed her without so much as a 'Sorry for calling you Mudblood all these years.'
The author let everyone out of the plot hole at that point, and Harry and Ron bashed the door down.
'HERMIONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!' they shouted in unison.
Hermione broke into sobs, flinging herself onto Draco's shoulder. 'You don't understand!' she wailed. 'I knew you wouldn't! I love Draco, I love him, and you aren't even willing to give him a chance! Leave us alone!
Draco glared up at Harry and Ron. 'I love her.' He declared, passionately and completely against his character, but that's ok because no one cares. 'I love her, and you're just coming between us! Don't you want your friend to be happy!'
'She'll never be happy with you!' Ron declared dramatically, throwing himself at the two of them. He dragged Hermione away from Draco with Harry's help, threw her into the corner, and proceeded to beat up Draco.
'Hermioneeeeee, my love! Run away!' he called over the carnage as Ron kicked his kidneys. 'Ow! Damn you, you bastard, that hurt!
'I won't leave you!' she called back, sobbing into the handkerchief which had fallen through a random plot hole into her lap. Eventually, Harry and Ron finished, and obligingly left the closet so that dramatic death-scenes could happen.
'Hermione…' whispered Draco. 'I love you… and you're very sexy too. Remember me… and move, for goodness' sake, you're kneeling on my spleen.'
With this, he died.
'Nooooooooooo!' wailed Hermione. 'Draco, my Love! I cannot live without you! I need you to survive these weary days….'
She delivered a long, boring and pointless angsty monologue to a nearby broomstick until a dagger fell through the same plot hole as the handkerchief had and cut off her tirade. With a last poetic moan, she stabbed herself to death.
Harry and Ron shuffled back in. 'Alas, our warring has driven Hermione to her death.' moaned Ron. 'Why couldn't we just accept them?
'For never was a tale of more woe, than this of Hermione and her Draco.' Harry agreed sagely.
'Huh? What did you just say.'
'Not a clue. Lets go buy some Chocolate Frogs.'