Anti-Nostalgic

A Gravitation Fanfiction

By Ryuuen

Warnings: Shounen-ai, language.

A/N: Written spontaneously. I'm still lacking a computer though, so it's shorter than it should be. ;_; I don't have anything in mind going into this. Song is "Anti-Nostalgic". The song translation is the best I know at this time... if I find better, I'll update. ^^

Note: Translation has some creative liberties taken to make it sound like it makes sense... ^^;;; The original translation can be found here: http://millennial-fair.com/entertain/anime/nostalgic.html#english

ANTI-NOSTALGIC--

~"The night sky is dyed to transparency, as I walk alone on the road that always leads home."~

The blue sky is fading into reds and purples. It's the kind of sky that makes me think of him... rather, of my relationship with him; hanging on the edge, in transition between life and death. It is always like that. I try to drive him away, but I can't bring myself to hurt him. I can't stop myself from wanting to protect him, even though I tell myself that in the end, we will both be hurt. My strong feelings for him are something that I can't seem to turn away from.. like being lost in a funhouse room of mirrors, everywhere I turn the same image is presented to me. It is him; his laugh, his smile, the way his eyes seem so innocent. He makes me want to hide him from the world, so that no one can ever hurt him. Even though he drives me mad...

It's a good feeling, to know.. that he's waiting for me when I come home.

~"Singing to myself... I want to send these feelings to you as you sleep.. oh, umm..."~

The beautiful reds and violets of the sky are turning to a deep, rich blue that will soon turn to inky black. I must return to that busy house before that time. I spent the whole day in the park, working on my latest book. When I wasn't there, I was in the coffee shop I like. It was a quiet day... how long has it been since I have had such time to myself? Although... I think I can understand why he clings so much to me. In the beginning, I wanted nothing to do with him. Perhaps he's afraid that if I'm gone for too long, it means that I won't be coming back. He always worries too much, especially when I'm gone for a long time. But he always greets me with a smile, even though I think he knows I can see the anxiety behind his eyes. Maybe I should talk to him, promise him I won't leave him... but I can't bring myself to say the words.

Every time I try to admit that I care.. something bad happens. But I want to protect him.. so I won't say anything..

~"I'm tangled up in something.. I'm getting a little sick of myself. I want to convey my feelings to the days that were tangled up and left behind. The heart that I had forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little. I keep searching to you in the night that is lit by stars. I am bound to that time."~

Walking along the road that is empty, except for me, I feel strangely wary. It's as though something heavy is weighing on my heart. It's times like these that I worry about Shuichi. Is he all right? I wonder, then shake my head. Of course he's fine. But I still worry about it. After everything that has happened, after everything that we have been through together, even though I still act hostile to him much of the time, I would still be devestated if I lost him. I do love him, no matter how loathe I am to say it. No matter how I may deny it to myself, in those moments when I don't fear for him, when I don't know how much he fears for me. I don't ever want to come back someday and find him gone. He's always there when I come home, or at least he's let me know ahead of time that he wouldn't, and when he'd be back. Of course he worries too much, but it's comforting to me. Maybe he senses my secret insecurity, somehow. I often wonder how much he knows.

I often wonder how much, about him, that I don't know.

~"I leave my feelings on the road home, as I stop to stand and look at the receding clouds."~

The night sky has turned black. Shuichi will be frantic in his worry for me. I know how he will be when I come home. He will jump up, hug my, say he was worried when I didn't come home earlier. But sometimes he gets depressed when I'm gone, that I know. Hiroshi, his friend, told me that he sometimes calls him up and talks to him when I'm gone, and that he gets sad when I don't come home. He told me I should try to at least come home for lunch to see him; I'm a writer, I don't have a set time to be working and not. I suppose I should try to be more.. responsible, I guess, in my dealings with Shuichi, but I'm not used to having to answer to anyone about my whereabouts or when I'm going to be back, what I'm doing, etc. Sometimes it irritates me to have to do so.

I guess I'll make an effort though. If it's for Shuichi, it is worth it.

~"You are already a part of my continuing dream, though I know that it cannot reach you from here."~

Walking up the street towards the house, I pause, looking up to the sky. In this city, I cannot see the stars. I couldn't see them in New York, either. Fireflies create new stars, buzzing busily around to create new constellations. Streetlights illuminate the dark, ominous streets, although they somehow still manage to look dangerous to my eyes. Perhaps it is just conditioning. Too much time in New York, and every shadow begins to look like a threat. The shadows, though, leap away from the streetlights like they are afraid of it; afraid to touch it's light. I look up and I can see Shuichi through one of the windows of the house; I always tell him to shut the blinds at night, but he always forgets. I guess I should go inside.

Without further adeau, I open the door.

~"The tears just keep falling.. Just by being able to be close to you, I'm starting to want to smile, just a little bit.. Someone asks questions, wanting this to make more sense. You cast the too-brilliant days of the past into a fading shadow."~

Shuichi looks up at me from the couch that he was sitting on, and jumps up, walks over to me.

"Where were you?" He asks, hugging me. His smile makes every moment of irritation worthwhile.

"Working." I reply. He drags me to the couch and makes me sit down, then goes to get some dinner started. I was surprised when I learned that he could cook.

To his retreating back, I whisper, "I love you," so softly that he doesn't hear.

~"I'm tangled up in something.. I'm getting a little sick of myself. I want to convey my feelings to the days that were tangled up and left behind. The heart that I had forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little. I keep searching to you in the night that is lit by stars. I am bound to that time."

~owari desu