a Neon Genesis Evangelion fan fic
By: Hatti Lee*
Also known as:
Saiyajin Peach 18
Pairing: Shinji X Kaworu
Author's Notes: This being a Neon Genesis Evangelion fic, it's a little hard to explain my time line. I'd have to say this is most definitely an Alternate Universe fic, but at the same time I'm trying to keep this as close to the series as I'm capable of doing. In other words... I hope you guys can understand this!!! ^_^ Also, I'd like to make it clear that this is my first NGE fic, as I'm more accustomed to Dragon Ball Z fics. Either way, I'm doing my best... So, I hope you enjoy! ^_^
Warnings: This is a yaoi fic, which means it contains intimacy between two males. If you're uncomfortable with that, I suggest you turn back now. Also, this fic will most likely contain violence, language, and graphic sexual content. If you're underage, please turn back now. You've been warned!
Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are not my own, and I'm making absolutely nothing off of this. So, please don't sue me!!!
IMPORTANT: I'm writing this fic in first person from many different characters' point of view. To keep things straight, each time I change to a different character's point of view, I have their name inserted. Again, I hope you guys can understand this!!! ^_^
Now, if there's anyone left... On with the fic!
Chapter I: Tears
It's been two years since Eva, and strangely enough, at times I find myself missing that monster. Towards the end I'd had so little friends. Toji, Kensuke, and even Hikari had relocated out of danger's way. I'm glad they were all safe, but it had left me so alone back then. Misato, Ritsuko, Kaji... They were so far from me then, their work taking up the wholeness of their lives, keeping them from me. Asuka in the hospital, Rei an anomaly, and me all alone.
Sighing, I roll over in my bed, squeezing my eyes shut as I pull my pillow to my face. Why am I still thinking about all this? It's been two years, to the day.
Of course, things are better now, at least, they seem to be. As far as I know, Nerv, the Evas, everything was destroyed, the Angels defeated, the mission accomplished.
I haven't seen my father in six months, but that doesn't bother me. The last I heard, he and Fuyutsuki were off somewhere still continuing their research on the Angels. I just hope they stay away, leave me be.
I hear the front door open and close. It's so late, and Misato is just getting home. She and Kaji started dating again once things calmed down. They were supposed to have gone out with Ritsuko tonight for a movie, but glancing at my bedside clock, I see that it's 4 AM. They must have stopped at a bar on the way home, as usual.
Doesn't she realize she has to work tomorrow? She most likely doesn't care. Misato always complains about her job at the Government Archive Complex, Oh, Shinji, it's so boring!
Well, the least she could do is be quiet. It is Sunday night after all, and Asuka and I have to be up early for school.
My mind touches on the past again and I'm so thankful for Asuka's recovery. It was only recently that she even started talking to me. I think she still holds some anger, maybe even hatred, towards me, but I don't mind. She's back to her loud self and it's nice.
The school is better now too, all the families having moved back once things were finished. Toji, Kensuke, they're all back! And yet... I still find myself alone.
I slap my hands over my face, curling somewhat into a fetal position. I have to stop thinking about all this! My mind is heading down a depressing path, it's destination: Tears. And I really don't think I can cry anymore.
What's taking that idiot so long? Doesn't he realize he's late?
Growling somewhat, I glance at the empty table. Misato doesn't even bother trying to be maternal, even though she has the opportunity now. Looks like Shinji and I will be buying breakfast again.
I don't even know why I wait for him. My therapist said that it would be best if I try and forgive the idiot. Well, that has yet to happen, but I've found that lately it's been easier to talk with him. Once the Evas were gone, he began changing. Sure he's quieter now, but at least he's not constantly apologizing.
Finally, he steps out of his room, sliding the door shut behind him. We're both sixteen-years-old now and physical change is expected... I'm taller now, my German blood sending my head over the others'. Not to mention that my figure has hit its pinnacle. Misato was kind enough to let me know what a beautiful young lady I've become. Yet, Shinji looks the same. Sure, he's taller, not taller than me, but other than that he's the same. His shoulders and hips so narrow, his waist even narrower.
Sighing, I shake my head, You're making us late!
We arrive at school just in time, the tardy bell ringing just as I take my seat. A few guy's are watching me and I sit tall, allowing them to get an eyeful of my figure. No, I'm not sleazy or anything, I just know how to boost my own confidence.
Morning, Asuka! You were nearly late again. Hikari says, leaning over to speak quietly, her chestnut pigtails leaning forward with her.
It wasn't my fault. I insist, my nose in the air.
She looks past me, I don't have to follow her gaze to know she's looking at Shinji, He seems so sad today. Her voice is thoughtful, and I almost feel sorry for the idiot, almost.
Ah, he's been moping all weekend.
She was about to say more when all at once she sat up straight. The instructor had stepped into the room. Even though Hikari isn't the class representative anymore, she still behaves like one. Doesn't she know we're in high school now? We're upper class students, we don't have to bow down to our teachers anymore.
Class was so dull today. Normally I can at least pay attention, keep focused, but not today.
I can remember so clearly, the thoughts that were running through my mind back then. I was so alone, with no one to call my friend. And then I met him...
A rough pat to my should jolts me out of my thoughts, and I look up to see Toji and Kensuke staring down at me, Oh, hey. I say sheepishly, wondering how long I'd been sitting in my desk, the final bell having rung already.
What's with you today? You didn't say a word during lunch and now you're zoning out. Kensuke's words are direct and I don't see anyway around them, and yet, I just can't simply answer a question like that.
Not knowing what to say, I simply mumble, I... I don't know.
Maybe he misses Rei. Toji says rather bluntly, Kensuke quickly elbowing him for such a comment.
True, Rei was still missing, and it did have a bit to do with my sudden melancholy state, but it wasn't the source of it. I never really knew Rei, she was a mystery to me then. I never could figure out why she reminded me so much of my mother or how she managed to survive the Sixteenth Angel's attack. I really cared for her, but she always seemed at arms length. Then, she was gone, having disappeared sometime during the last Angel's attack. The last Angel...
Tears gather and suddenly threaten to spill over, but I won't cry. I can't cry anymore!
Hey, Ikari, I didn't mean... Toji fumbled, thinking he was the cause of my sudden sorrow.
No, it's not your fault. I'm just not feeling myself today. And with that I'm rising from my seat, heading for the exit without a backwards glance. My poor friends, they're really trying to understand, but I can't explain it to them.
Outside I find that Asuka didn't wait up for me. It doesn't bother me though and I decide to take the long way home.
The water here always seems so beautiful, at any hour. I don't know if it's my mind persuading me or if it's fact.
The many surrounding lakes were becoming quite the attraction now a days. People gather to fish and swim and to simply enjoy the outdoors. It's as if they're all blocking the fact that all these lakes were created by the fighting... Mostly me, fighting the Angels.
And yet, I'm still not sure why I did it or what the Angels even were. Not a single day goes by without that thought. I have many regrets, but none of them compare...
The wind ruffles my hair and I look up at the chunk of debris that still remains here near the shore.
This particular lake doesn't get many visitors and I like to think it's someone's idea of a kindness towards me.
My regret... Why did I have to kill Kaworu?
The instant the name sounds in my brain, my legs lose their strength, and I find myself sitting awkwardly on the ground, my legs crumpled beneath me.
I'm thinking of him so strongly these days, and I don't know why. I don't remember feeling like this since that day, that day I killed the only person that ever loved me.
The tears are free flowing and I don't remember when that happened. My hands come away from my face wet, proof that the tears are real, that I am crying. With that simple truth laid out before my eyes, I find I'm no longer able to hold back... And I'm weeping... Sobbing. My fingers clenched in the sand, my head bent down strangely to rest against my knees.
Surely, my solitude is a kindness.
Where have you been, Asuka? I ask from my seat at the kitchen table.
She looks up at me a bit surprised, her long red locks swinging forward due to her sudden stop, Why are you home so early? She asks, unashamed of being caught.
I only had to work half a day today... Why are you home so late?
Her usual countenance returns, cool, confident, and self assure, Hikari and I stopped by the park. Her answer seems honest enough, and I believe it. I know her and her best friend hang out there a lot, often relaxing on the benches and watching guys. Then I noticed...
The young girl, nearly as tall as myself now, steps into the room, setting her stuff down, He was acting so spacey.
So you just left him? My worry is more than evident in my tone and I think it upsets her.
He knows his way home!
I stare into her bold blue eyes a moment longer, You're right. I say.
She smiles, nodding and going on about how of course she's right. Still, I worry about Shinji.
He'd recovered quite well until the one year anniversary, but even then he'd only been saddened for a single day, easily getting over it. This was the second year anniversary... You'd think it'd be easier, but no... He'd been lying around all weekend, barely eating, mostly sleeping, and hardly speaking.
It wasn't unheard of for him to be late home from school, but it wasn't common either, and especially uncommon when he was in such moods. So, silently, I worried.
It wasn't until nightfall that I mentioned my distress to Asuka. She seemed a bit concerned, but nothing more.
My anxiety only heightened once I'd called both Kensuke and Toji, both of them swearing that Shinji wasn't there.
Making up my mind, I pulled on some more suitable clothes and left a note on the table (in case he should return during my search.)
Where are you going?
I've got to go look for him. It's not normal for him to be out this late on a school night without calling. I don't bother waiting, I don't have time to argue, but she didn't argue. Instead, she was following me, keeping up as I hurried to my new, white sports car.
I look up for a second, and I'm shocked. When did it get dark? I try sitting up, changing positions, finding my legs totally numb. How many hours have I been sitting her sobbing my heart out? I don't even know.
The tears seem to slow as the beauty of the lake grasps my attention. The moon is hanging low and reflecting fully on the smooth water. It looks like a see of liquid white, almost as pale as his skin.
I slowly turn, reluctant to take my eyes off the luminous water, and I'm surprised to see Misato running towards me, Asuka in tow, her stride much slower. I hadn't even heard a car pull up.
Shinji? What are you doing here? Misato asks, standing beside me now, looking down at me with relief and pity in her eyes.
I don't know. I answer lamely, not really wanting to talk about it.
She sighs and seems to be waiting for something, Well... Can you get up?
I try to tell my legs to move, but it doesn't even feel like they're there. I shake my head, embarrassed and ashamed. She looks at me, puzzled, before offering me a hand up. After a bit of struggling I'm on my feet, and all three of us are standing there, waiting for the blood to circulate through my limbs.
How could you sit like that for so long? Asuka asks, her tone one of disgust, most likely for my
I don't know, just lost track of time, I guess.
Well, you ready to get home? Misato asks after a few moments of silence.
I stand quiet for at least two more minutes, staring at the sight before me... It really did look to be the exact pallor of his skin. This time I felt the tears come, warm trickles following the tracks of my previous sorrow, and I shake my head.
Asuka seems concerned all of a sudden, but she remains quiet.
Misato smiles at me, taking me by the shoulders and leading me towards the car, even though my answer had been clear.
Shinji, are you sure you're alright?
He nods, wiping at the remnants of his tears like a child. Still, he remains silent.
I can't understand why he was sitting there at that lake for so long, and it's really bothering me. During our ride home, I rack my brain with answers...
Then I remember that day after he defeated the Seventeenth Angel... He and I had been at that very lake. If I remember correctly, in that very spot. His sorrow for the Angel's death, at his hands no less, had been severe. It was beyond me then and still is now. Kaworu was an Angel and had chosen to die.
When Shinji had defeated the thirteenth Angel, who had taken complete control over Unit 03 with Toji Suzuhara trapped inside... When Shinji's hands had been used to severely injure his friend, he'd had a strong reaction... Perhaps the Human form of the Seventeenth Angel was fooling his mind that he'd murdered a Human, a boy like himself.
It was the only reasoning to his sudden depression that I could come up with, Does this have anything to do with what you and I talked about there at that lake so long ago? I speak quietly and calmly, hoping not to shock him with the subject.
A glance to my right and I see that his eyes are watering again, he nods. So, it's as I suspected.
It was an Angel, Shinji, the enemy. I state simply, honestly. I watch as his expression hardens and he turns to look out the window. My heart lightens somewhat, perhaps he just needed reminding.
I'm lying in my bed now, on my back, looking up at the ceiling. The tears stopped once we got home, no, before then... When Misato had said that Kaworu had been the enemy. She means well, I suppose, but my hardened expression had been directed towards her statement, not a new strength within me.
He had not been an enemy, he was my friend, and I miss him.
The past two years feel as if they've passed in a blur. There was so much commotion... The destruction of Nerv and the Evas, the recovery of those involved, and everyone's return... My mind had been so busy, but now everything was slowing to it's original pace.
And I feel lonely.
It's not like before, when I had so much sexual frustration built up within me. I'm not so horny (for lack of a better word) as I was, my hormones seeming to have finally calmed their raging.
Of course, I still find Asuka quite attractive as well as a number of other girls at school, but it's more than that. I yearn for a best friend, a lover, and more than anything, someone who understands me completely.
I roll over on my side, my shirt and shorts becoming a bit binding as I do so. I feel selfish in all this. Surely there are hundreds of other people out there praying for the exact thing, but don't I deserve it. Of everything that I've been through and done, against my will... Isn't it something I deserve?!
My thoughts begin to slow and my eyes will no longer stay open. Within minutes I'm asleep and everything goes black.
What's wrong with him? It's only nine. How can he go to bed so early? I ask, sitting at the kitchen table and wishing Misato would offer me a beer as well.
You know how he is. She says quietly, as if in respect to his slumber. Since when does she care?
I lean forward, staring hard, No, I don't. It was like he was finally becoming a normal Human being when all of a sudden this starts. You said something to him in the car. Something about the Angels. You know what's wrong with him, don't you?
Yes, I think so. she says, her voice still quiet, her brown eyes cast downward.
Well, are you going to tell me? I ask, my voice smart and rude as I lean back, crossing my arms just under my breasts.
She sighs, setting down her beer, You know how crazy he went after unintentionally hurting Toji, right? I nod and she continues, Well, he thought of the Seventeenth Angel as a Human-
I interrupt, Are you serious?
She ignores me and continues, After destroying it, he was really messed up. It's like all that's coming back.
Why? Why now, after all this time?
She sighs, I don't know.
I'm totally baffled. How could Shinji mourn over an Angel? They were the enemy. Of course, he was always questioning the reasoning behind our destruction of the creatures. So stupid! They were attacking us, the Seventeenth Angel attacked us, and he's crying about it? Stupid.
To be continued...