Echoes of the Mind
Rating: M (just in case)
Warning: SLASH, and references to abuse, rape, cutting, violence, (all non-graphic!)
If you disagree with anything in this story, than don't read it. Its rated R for a reason people!
Disclaimer: I have decided to say this once, and only once instead of posting it for every chapter. I do not own Harry Potter or any other of J.K. Rowling's wonderful characters. I only want to play in her world. I intend this story to be merely for pleasure, not profit. So there! sticks out tongue childishly
Summary: This is the sequel to Bring Me to Life and is Harry's sixth year continued. Harry was saved by his soul mate, and is now dealing with the troubles in his life again. Circumstances lead him to believe he is losing his mind…. but could it be something… or someone else?
Pairings: HP/DM, HG/RW, GW/NL
Spoliers: for OoTP (and for all other HP books, obviously!)
A/N: If you haven't read Bring Me to Life, you really should. It will help you make sense of this story. I made some mistakes in the last fic… cough Quidditch cough… but I don't have the energy to go back and fix everything. I would rather focus on this new story. Oh yeah, I am writing this fic entirely from Harry's POV. In the last story I felt that it was important to have Ron and Draco's perspectives so that we could see how each helped him to overcome the trauma in his life. For this fic to work, I can only write from Harry's POV. I am contemplating on doing a 7th year fic in which we see alternating POVs once again. Let me know your thoughts!
Chapter 1- Prologue
Many months have past since my last fateful encounter with Voldemort and my life is as complicated as ever. I struggle to overcome the dark depression I feel myself slipping into on a daily basis. I have a lot of emotional baggage that I continue to deal with and the problems I had before Halloween have manifested themselves once again. I feel that everyone has assumed that because I chose to live that I had put all those issues behind me. But they are still there, staring me in the face with each passing day. I am still dealing with the shame of the abuse that my so called relatives caused me to endure. I am still struggling with the intimacy that I so desperately crave from my boyfriend, but I am terrified at the mere thought. I still feel the guilt over the death of my parents, Cedric, and Sirius… Sirius… I miss him so much… it was all my fault… The need to cut grows stronger with each passing day.
I appreciate the love and support that my friends bestow upon me on each day, but none of them can possibly understand the darkness that lies in my heart. Not even Draco. Draco... my soul mate… he has made me happy in ways that I can barely comprehend. I feel more comfortable with him that anyone else in my life. I can share things with him that I would dare not even tell my best friends. Well... most things… there are still some things that I keep private. Thoughts that are too horrifying to even say aloud for fear that may materialize into something real.
Attending classes and doing homework seems to be the only constant in my life right now. The predictable pattern of waking up each day and attending classes helps to keep me sane and prevents my mind from dwelling on unpleasant thoughts. I have become more and more like Hermione in the fact that I study relentlessly. Most of my dorm mates assume that my new studying habits is because I want to be a better or student or that I am some how preparing for a battle in this new war. What they don't know is that I only study because it enables to me to keep my mind distracted.
My one saving grace from the monotony of school life is Quidditch. I never feel more alive than when I am soaring above the pitch searching for the elusive snitch. For one small moment my life has a simple purpose, find the snitch and win the game. If only the rest of my life could be that simplistic. What is my purpose in life now that I have been given a second chance? I have never really thought about what I am going to do after I leave Hogwarts to any real extent. Sure, at times I have thought about being an auror, but I never really thought it would happen. I truly expected that I would have died by now. If not by Voldemort's hand, then by my uncle's.
I find myself over analyzing everything since I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to make sense out of the chaos in my life in order to find peace. Mostly, I think about Draco and the lengths that he went to in order to save my pathetic life. Solara Amicus… that was the soul mate he used to bring me back. What is a soul mate really? Does everyone have a soul mate, and if so are we destined search out for this special person? Have the Fates or God designed this manifestation of love in order to try us in some way? I wish I had some answers so that I can begin to comprehend the magnitude of my relationship with Draco. I sometimes find myself praying for guidance through this mess I call my life, but I am not sure if my prayers are even being heard. I have never been overly religious since the Dursleys never felt it necessary to bring me to church with them on Sundays... Dursley… just the name strikes fear and loathing in my heart.
I suppose that I should be grateful that my soul mate was able to save me from the pits of hell. I suppose that my love for him should be absolute and that I am perpetually grateful for this gift of life he has bestowed upon me. I suppose that I should be embracing this second chance at life with open arms knowing how closely I had come to the clutches of death. Sadly, I feel none of these emotions. In fact, I feel almost nothing at all. I am hollow inside. Sure, I experience other emotions occasionally, but these feelings never last for very long. The emptiness in my heart always returns with renewed strength.
I know that Draco meant well when he cast that fateful spell that sent our souls into that limbo like world, but I sometimes find myself being resentful and sometimes even angry. Draco used some dirty tactics in order to get me to return to the land of the living. He played on my emotions and my love for the only "family" I have ever had. He used my fear of my friends becoming endangered because of me to his advantage. What is worse though, is the fact that he was willing to sacrifice his own life in order to be with me. I love and hate him for it.
I was forced to make a choice in a short amount of time: choose to live again or perish forever. I chose to live again despite what had happened to me in life. What I didn't know is that decision came at a high price. I remember every minute that my soul spent in what I now refer to as "my own personal hell." Memories that I had long since repressed as a child are now lingering closer and closer to my consciousness. Some of the abuse that I had experienced at the Dursleys was too overwhelming to comprehend for my young mind at the time. I was able to forget most of it long ago, but now I am able to recall every detail with greater and greater clarity.
But what I remember most is that eternally cold darkness and the utter aloneness I felt within it's undefined depths. Several times I felt myself slip away from Draco while we were in limbo, and I sometimes wonder what would have happened to my soul if I had not chosen to live again. Would I have existed in limbo forever, reliving all those awful memories for eternity? Would my soul have gone to hell, whatever that may be? Or would I have gone to heaven and spent the rest of forever with my parents? Is there even a heaven? Am I even worthy of being in heaven? I find myself contemplating these issues over and over in an endless cycle of self pity and doubt.
Oddly enough, my connection through Voldemort has somehow been destroyed. No knows for sure what severed the link through my scar exactly, but Dumbledore thinks that it may have something to do with my soul being detached from my body for so long. Our minds couldn't be linked while I was in limbo and that the connection was not re-established when I returned to my body. I am relieved that I do not have to experience Voldemort's evil plans, but I am also scared of the unknown.
What troubles me most is the fact that I felt something else lurking in that unseen darkness of Limbo. I have never been able to determine what I actually thought was in the darkness with me, but it is something more powerful and overwhelming than my soul can possibly comprehend within the confines of my feeble body. The more I try to think about it, the more I understand that the darkness is not something I am meant to understand. But it calls to me nonetheless. It has begun to plague not only my dreams, but my conscious mind while I am awake.
My dreams are mainly about the horrors of my past, but recently they have become more and more strange. I know that these dreams do not have anything to do with Voldemort because I do not feel the pain associated with him in my scar. No, these dreams are an entity completely upon themselves. I feel as if that I am reliving someone else's life. The pain and the depression that come with these dreams are overwhelming. They do not feel like visions… more like memories… someone else's memories. I only get bits and pieces, but it's enough to make me never want to sleep again.
Now I am hearing voices and seeing things while I am awake. I dare not tell anyone for fear that they will shun me like they did during my second year. I also do not need Ron and Draco fighting anymore than they already have; that mess is something that I am still at a loss at sorting out. I need to make sense of everything before I reveal any other secrets to those I hold dear. What if there is something wrong with me? What if I am imagining everything? I am terrified of what will become of me if I have begun to lose my mind.
I feel like I am falling apart. Every night I lay awake dreading the moment in which I succumb to the deep sleep that my body so desperately craves. I have long since given up on begging Madame Pomfrey for a dreamless sleep potion. She insists that I have become addicted to the substance and that I need to go through withdrawl. Hermione watches me constantly to ensure that I don't attempt to brew my own batch. So now I am victim to my own insane nightmares. They have become more and more horrific.
I don't feel that I can stand the pain and uncertainty of my life any longer. I am not suicidal... not by any means… but the need to cut grows stronger every day. I am desperate for the pain that will temporarily release me from these thoughts that are so foreign to me. I have kept my promise to Draco, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I feel as thought I am going crazy…
So many things have happened during my sixth year at Hogwarts. Maybe I should start from the beginning… the beginning of my second chance at this life.
A/N: This will probably be the only chapter in which I do a stream of consciousness in a first person POV. The rest of the chapters will be written from Harry's perspective, but not in first person. (Just a clarification for those who like to be picky). This is not intended be religious in any sense, only spiritual, so I apologize if I have offended anyone's belief system.