The Four Orcs

By: Melphie13

Summary: Four Orcs were banished from Mordor because of their simple failure to do Orcish things. Now they are trying to make their way in the big world beyond Mordor, but it isn't easy trying to make a good living and be a big bad Orc at the same time. Finally they decide to take drastic measures and try to get their money by using the next most likely tactic besides stealing. Ransom.

Disclaimer: Ok, so I own the four Orcs names and personalities? Big whoop. The rest totally belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien...and maybe Peter Jackson, we'll see. And also a few tiny touches to the TV show "Little house on the prairie", and it's the lamest thing this side of Wisconsin, but it's really funny sometimes. The four Orcs are mine, my own, my precious, and they shall STAY AS SUCH!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! *ceiling falls down on head* Man, really gotta' watch that cackling.

Chapter 1

Traveling far in some unexplored land, walking determinedly across a lush, grassy field, were four weary, road-worn travelers.

Well actually, the probably would not be the correct way to describe it. The correct way would more than likely be:

Off somewhere in a Valar-forsaken wilderness, trudging grouchily across a flat, brown-grassed plain, were four weary, road-worn Orcs. Yes, that's about right now, because that's what it was, really.

Four Orcs were walking grumpily across the deserted, wide-open area, with the greatest of annoyance pulling a tired, old donkey with them, and on the donkey sat the leader of the gang, who thought it his right to ride on the donkey, being the leader and all.

"Faster you idiots!!! We're supposed to reach the next city by sundown and at the rate we're going we'll be there by sundown of the NEXT DAY!!!" The leader shouted at the other tired Orcs.

"Aw man Boss, can't we just stop and rest a while now?" One of the other Orcs panted, practically flopped over he was so tired. "My feet are killing me!"

"Well live with it stick-man or you'll be left behind!" The leader shot back.

"That's not very nice." The Orc in the back, the biggest, commented.

The leader groaned. "It's not SUPPOSED to be nice, stupid!!! We're Orcs! And it's because of your guy's little mistakes just like that one that we got BANISHED in the FIRST PLACE!!!" He yelled quite loudly, so loudly in fact that he just about scared the donkey out of its hooves and the terrified creature gave a bucking bray and started dancing around wildly with the screaming Orc on its back, soon taking off into the horizon and leaving the leader flat in the dust.

The other Orcs finally opened their eyes after a short spell, peering down cautiously at their motionless leader, and then hurrying over to him.

"Gosh, are you Ok Boss?" The big Orc asked worriedly, quickly lifting the smaller Orc to his feet and helping brush him off.

Well, the leader, (who by the way was called "Boss") certainly did not look Ok because he was glaring like a storm cloud and looked on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum. "Get...that...donkey...BACK!!!" He finally ground out at the top of his voice, causing his followers to jump back in surprise.

"NOW!!!" He ordered, clearly offering no alternatives.

Well, to say that these were your regular Orcs were simply out of the question. These Orcs were rather witless, rather dumb, rather clueless, and rather lost. That was pretty much the major reason why they got banished from Mordor. They just couldn't seem to do anything Orcishly right.

Their pretty much self-elected leader was also the shortest of them all, Boss.

And then the others, the other three I mean, were Bugley, Pugley, and Slim.

Bugley was the biggest, and rather fat if I might say so.

Pugley was as much as a brother to Bugley as Orcs can have brothers, (which I'm not sure they can) though not nearly as fat and big.

Slim was, as you might have guessed, thin as a stick, and just about the slinkiest of them all.

And so it was Boss, Bugley, Pugley, and Slim....and the four of them were not exactly the greatest of teams.

Right now, they were rather hoping to reach the next city and do some good old robbing for a change, because they found that money was rather scarce in their department, and it wouldn't actually be that bad to have some more...

"Look! The city!!! THE CITY!!!" Pugley shrieked, jumping up and down wildly and pointing over the edge of a cliff.

Boss frowned from on top of the freshly-retrieved donkey. "You idiot, no city could survive at the bottom of a cliff!!"

Pugley frowned stubbornly. "Well, this one does!"

"Let me see!" Slim ordered frantically, running forward and looking right over the edge. "Hey, there is a city down there!"

"Hmmmmm..." Boss thought for a moment. "Is it flying?"

"Uh...nope." Bugley replied, looking up from where he was also looking over.

"Hmmmmm...incongruous." Boss finally concluded importantly. "Well, in that case, we had better go down and see what's up for grabs!"

"Uh, can't we eat first?" Bugley pleaded.

"No!!!" Boss shouted, nearly startling the donkey up again.

"But we never finished that rabbit meat..."

Boss' eyes suddenly widened in clear insult. "I told you NEVER TO MENTION that rabbit meat again!!!" He bellowed in rage.

Bugley gulped. "But I want it." He protested meekly.

"No!!! NO YOU IDIOTS push UP!!!" Boss shouted orders at his crew the whole time the three of them were trying to get both their leader and the donkey down the steep slope that led to the valley below.

The other three Orcs were not exactly having the best of luck in this matter. Slim was nearly completely crushed under the sliding donkey's weight, Bugley was trying to eat his rabbit meat and keep the donkey from falling off the nearby edge at the same time, and Pugley's arms were shaking as his strength began to give way.

All in all, it ended up going the most likely way possible, and all five of the travelers went sailing head-over-heels down the slope, yelping and grunting the whole way until they finally came to the bottom.

Slim was the very first to recover, sitting up at the bottom of the slope casually and looking around for the others. He made out the donkey calmly sitting in the soft grass patch they had landed in and eating his fill of the greenery.

The Orc barely had time to roll his eyes before all three of the other Orcs suddenly came up from under him, tossing him right to the ground and then lying back down on the ground and groaning in pain.

"Ohhh...I think...I think I want some more of that rabbit meat." Bugley groaned.

"I think I'm broken..." Pugley moaned in clear agony.

"I think you're all a bunch of IDIOTS!!!" Boss announced in as much pain as anyone else.

After recovering a bit from their unfortunate tumble, the Orcs finally gathered up what little they had, (including a very reluctant donkey) and headed for the city ahead of them.

This city, however and little did they know, happened to be the great city of Rivendell itself, and if these Orcs were smart, (which they really weren't,) they probably would not have placed their goals on a city full of Elves.


"I see Elves." Bugley pointed out miserably from their hiding place, which was just a bit of shrubbery off to the side of the road.

"I don't see any bank or nothin'..." Pugley sighed heavily, looking drearily around the bustling area.

"I see lots of Elves." Bugley continued with a frown.

"Can we go yet?!" Slim hissed frantically, since he had been placed in charge of the horrible task of keeping the donkey quiet.

"No, you idiot! We haven't even found a place to go to yet!" Boss insisted with a pointed glare, peering out of the bushes in frustration.

"Uh Boss, maybe we should use the old surprise maneuver..." Pugley was about to suggest, but he was immediately cut off by a very angry Boss.

"I told you NEVER TO MENTION that surprise maneuver again!!!" The leader Orc scolded him harshly.

"Oh..." Pugley said, searching his memory for any such information.

"Uh Boss," Bugley began helplessly.

"What now?!" Boss hissed angrily.

"There sure are a lot of Elves around here." The big Orc informed him.

Boss just huffed. "Like I hadn't noticed!!" He insisted with a great deal of importance.

"You'd think we were in a city of em'!" Slim added enthusiastically, staring at all the fair beings walking by their hiding place.

"Well, if we are then it means that we've struck a GOLD MINE!!!" Boss announced greedily, looking around wildly for any other place to go to.

"Well Boss, I hate to ask, but what do Elves have to do with gold mines?" Bugley asked with a blink or two.

Boss' eyes were flashing very brightly. "You idiot. Elves are RICH don't you know??!"

"Not really Boss. I thought we were supposed to hate Elves." Bugley further pointed.

"We DO!!!" Boss shot back. "That's why we're stealing from them you IDIOT!!!"

"Oh." Bugley said in simple recognition.

At that moment, Slim lost all control of the donkey and the creature nearly flung the stick-thin Orc to kingdom-come while bucking around the charging right out of the bushes, leaving the dismayed Orcs behind.

Boss was literally red in anger now. "You IDIOTS!!! Now we don't have any transpiration!! It's simply incongruous!!!"

"Well sorry Boss, but he was jumping around like a Jack-ass in a box." Slim insisted meekly.

Boss huffed at him. "Incongruous." He snorted, staring in rage as some Elves found the rather pleased donkey and petted it, one leading it carefully off to a stable while another stayed to see if the rider was anywhere nearby.

The Orcs all held their breath when the Elf peered into the bushes they were in, staring out right above them, before becoming seemingly satisfied and turning back to whatever he was doing.

All four Orcs let out their breath very slowly after that extremely close call, and decided from then on not to make so much noise.

After a longer while than usual, something at last caught Boss' eye.

There was a certain building not too far off where some nicely-dressed Elves would occasionally walk in and out of, always carrying some kind of piece of paper or a scroll or maybe some books or something.

And to this Orc, that was all he needed to see.

"Hey guys! I think I've found our target!" Boss announced eagerly, reaching out and grabbing Pugley by the ear and pulling him over there. "Look!" He pointed quickly to the building.

" certainly looks like a nice place..." Bugley observed carefully.

"But what are those Elves holding?" Slim asked quickly as he noticed the scroll and paper.

Boss grinned. "Maps, probably." He said slyly. "Treasure maps."

This riled the Orcs up pretty quickly, all becoming very eager and excited to go in and do a little robbing for a change.

"So..." Slim asked after a while of recovering. "When do we go in and steal the treasure?"

"Right now." Boss replied slyly.

The rest of the Orcs frowned over at him. "What do you mean?" Bugley asked.

Boss grinned at them. "Right now. We'll do a surprise attack!"

"A...surprise attack?" Pugley asked nervously.

"Yes, that's what I said." Boss said with a big smile. "Now we'll all just take up our weapons, dash from where we're hiding, go right into the building, take a few hostages, steal the treasure, and run out!"

The rest of the Orcs blinked uncertainly.

"Erm...before we get caught right?" Bugley asked softly.

"Precisely." Boss said slyly.