Summary: A Halloween fic from Tracy's POV. This is in the same POV series that I created in my other two fics, What's It Like? And Your Blood Screams for Me. This is still the same POV style as those other two as well. Maybe one of these days I'll actually write a story with other people who say stuff too. J
Disclaimer: FK doesn't belong to me
The Ghouls Come Out to Play
Today is Halloween, All Hallow's Eve, and the day that ghouls come out to play. I know the clichés. Today is the day that I can present my vampiric nature to the world, and they see not the truth but a costume. You'd think that I would revel in this day, wouldn't you? Not me. Nope not good 'ole, vampire Tracy. No, that ain't in the cards because Tracy would rather contemplate.
Today is supposed to be a fun day of hunting and causing mayhem. It's supposed to be a day where the beast in me can come out and play with mortals who are none the wiser. But as I said before, the ghouls come out to play. In my case, the ghouls are those doubts lurking inside this gray matter of mine. For all this day is supposed to be, I know what it isn't supposed to be. It isn't supposed to be lonely. It seems inevitable that it is the loneliest day out of the year for me because I am indeed weird like that. Nick and LaCroix figured it would be Christmas that would be make me suck the fun out of a room with my dismal depressed state, or perhaps Valentine's Day.
I can almost hear Vachon now telling me to play tonight. He's telling me to live a little. But I can't. My ghouls keep scaring me, so here I am… depressed and pathetic. I think I should explain what it is about this day that makes me this way. As the cliché goes: I can be a vampire in plain sight. However, this day makes it even more apparent to me that I am no longer human. Never am I closer to humanity than on this day. On this day, I am not simply popping into the life of a mortal to partake of the blood that allows us both to live. I am actually walking with them and for one moment I am pretending to be a human being a vampire who is actually a vampire. But this day forces me to remember the times when my parents would take me trick or treating. I remember the giddy joy that came with people handing me candy and sometimes money. I remember going to the store and picking out that perfect costume that would have all the other kids oohhing and ahhhing. I remember it so vivid. If there is nothing I hate more about being a vampire, it's my memory. A flawless memory that crushes me under its oppressive weight and squeezes the life out of me with its formidable strength. It embraces me with the fervor of an ardent lover. But it's an embrace that I would willingly let go.
That's when my dilemma rears its ugly head. If I could let my memories go would I still be Tracy or would I be just another vampire existing and stealing the life of others? I don't think that I give a damn anymore, I just want it to go away. Looking down at myself I can't help but notice the perfect alabaster of my skin. Many lovers have commented on it, but who cares? This isn't the Tracy that enjoyed the sun and tanned slightly. It's not human Tracy. It's the skin of the creature that I have become. It's the skin of the vampire, the immortal, and the one who remembers. It becomes tedious, painful, and discouraging. But I am not unhappy on Christmas because I have a family in Nick, LaCroix and many others who soothe away the pain of not having my mortal family. Besides Nick and LaCroix offer me so much more than my parents ever could. All I remember is that on this day when the ghouls come out, I am amongst a humanity that I hasn't welcomed me in its arms in such a long time.
All I remember is that my mother and father each died alone thinking me dead. All I remember is that my father may not have been there for every time I needed him, but he is still the one who brought me into this world. All I remember is that even though my mother had more issues than Cosmo, she tried so hard. I may not have liked them a lot, but I loved them. The only scene that plays in my head is that their tears ran as a river the day that they buried their only child…their little girl. Does this knowledge make me feel lower than I have ever been? Yes, it does. So I stand here lost in memories. I really must apologize to Nick for all the disparaging remarks that I have thought and said about his zoning out on me when I was human.
The sound of laughter rings in my ears that calls forth the memory of a time when a little girl was with the two people who had yet to fail her. But tomorrow won't be Halloween anymore and I can move along my merry little way; living a life that seems to have expanded far beyond what any one person should ever experience. Tonight, however, is a time for taking judicious draughts of blood from an alcoholic or two; in short it's a time for drunkenness. Nick asked me tonight why did I resort to drinking when I could be elsewhere, and he also tells me that it will solve nothing. I know he knows the answer to his question because I tell him the same thing every time. I know that it solves nothing. I know that in the morning it will all come rushing back to me in an onslaught that I do not have the strength to fight. I drink to get drunk because for a moment in time I want to forget. I want to forget who I am. I want to forget what I've done. I want to forget the places I've been. More importantly I want to forget the things I have seen. I don't want to remember. I don't see how LaCroix does it and I hope that I will never learn to cope with it as he has. There's a first time for everything. Maybe I'll decide to give up this funk I'm in and play with the ghouls tonight.