The Emperor Hotohori's New Groove!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yugi or The Emperor's New Groove. When I hurtle the universe into chaos, I might just come to possess ownership of them, but other than that...
Author's Notes: I have a bunch of "production sketches" from my original plan for this story, and I will try to post them online somewhere very soon. In the meantime, just use your imagination! About 90% of the dialogue and other stuff is taken straight from The Emperor's New Groove. Mostly, I just replaced the characters in TENG with characters from Fushigi Yugi.
Chapter Two: Ysma's Plot, or "The Horrors of Tomo In a Dress"
"Your Majesty Hotohori!" exclaimed Hotohori's chief advisor who apparently doesn't have a name.
"What is it?" Hotohori snapped.
"It is time for you to choose your bride, sir." the advisor said.
"Sure. Okay, trot on out the ladies," he said. A curtain on the other side of the room he was in lifted, and there were four women. All were dressed in white kimonos. He walked up to the first, Yui.
"Hate your hair," he said. Yui looked extremely miffed at this comment, but he quickly moved on to the second lady, Soi.
"Yikes..." Soi was barely restrained by guards from murdering Hotohori. Hotohori didn't notice, and walked up to the third lady, or at least what he believed to be a lady.
"She's kinda pretty, but a bit flat-chested," he said, gesturing to Nuriko. Nuriko growled in annoyance.
"That's because I'm a man, genius!" Nuriko exclaimed, and clobbered him on the head, promptly leaving. Hotohori stumbled over to the last woman, Miaka.
"Lemme guess, you've got a great personality, right?" Hotohori asked.
"HEY!! I am NOT fat!!" Miaka exclaimed, also clobbering Hotohori on the head. She, Yui and Soi then stalked out, angry beyond all reason. Hotohori turned to his advisor, rubbing his head in pain.
"Is that really the best you've got in Konan?!" he demanded. "Two tried to kill me, and one was a man!" he exclaimed.
"Well, no...wait! I mean yes?" his advisor stammered.
"What is he babbling about?" Hotohori thought, ignoring his advisor's incessant gibbering.
Well, I'm sure you're still wondering about how Hotohori became a moose. Well, let's move on and show you the people responsible for that tragedy...
(the scene changes to the large and numerous steps of the palace. There we see Tamahome, dressed in peasant's clothes, climbing up the stairs.)
The first one, in an extremely roundabout way, is Tamahome.
"Umm, excuse me," Tamahome said to a guard, "but I got this summons to see Emperor Hotohori, and I was wondering-"
"Down the stairs, to the left, up the stairs and to the immediate right. Just follow the signs," the guard immediately growled, pointing in an arbitrary direction.
"Oh...uh, thanks," Tamahome said, and ran off before he could forget the guard's directions. He looked down at the paper again. "Now, what could the Emperor want with me, a mere peasant?" Tamahome asked himself.
"Help, you know?!" came a sudden cry. Tamahome looked up, and stumbled backwards, as he was about to run smack into Chichiri, who was hanging upside-down from a large cloth streamer.
"Whoa!" Tamahome exclaimed, and helped Chichiri down. "What are you doing up there?"
"I threw off the Emperor's groove, and he had me thrown out the window, you know?" Chichiri answered.
"That's terrible!" Tamahome exclaimed.
"DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROVE!!" Chichiri exclaimed, grabbing Tamahome by the shirt.
"Beware the groove, you know?" Chichiri said, walking off.
"Hey, wait a sec-"
Tamahome blinked, and continued on his way with a shrug.
Okay, so Tamahome's not that bad. He's certainly not anything compared to what's coming next, anyhow...
Deep in the palace of Konan, there sat a large, golden thrown. Normally, Hotohori sat there, but because he was being lazy that day, it was empty...
"Wait! Wait! Wait!!" came a shout from off camera. Tomo suddenly rushed in, adjusting a small black and purple dress with a huge black and purple fan-like thing resembling a peacock's tail behind it.
"Sorry I'm late, but I had trouble with this fan thingy...this is an interesting costume, authoress, so why am I wearing it again?" Tomo asked. A brown haired girl holding a laptop materialized beside Tomo.
"Tomo, didn't you read the script?" she asked.
"No..." Tomo replied, cluelessly.
"Well, at least tell me that you watched 'The Emperor's New Groove' before the show?!"
The authoress glared evilly at him.
"THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE TOMO?!" she shrieked. Tomo pouted.
"I wanted to wear the costume..." the authoress closed her laptop and whacked him on the head with it.
An hour later, Tomo, still in his odd deformed costume, sat in the thrown, this time in full knowledge of his part in the story.
"And why have you come here today?" Tomo asked Soi, who was standing on the ground about a hundred feet below the platform the thrown was sitting on.
"Umm, well, your excellence...I mean your grace! I mean..."
Okay, Tomo is playing the part of Ysma, who is majorly bad news. Ysma is basically living proof that dinosaurs roamed the earth. And let's not forget her (or is it his? beats me) little sidekick...umm... AND LET'S NOT FORGET HER LITTLE SIDEKICK!!!
A set of double doors suddenly burst inward, and in strode Nakago, looking thoroughly pissed off.
"WHERE IS THE ****ING AUTHORESS?!" he screamed. The brown haired girl materialized beside him.
"WHAT?!" she demanded.
"I want to know WHY THE **** YOU CAST ME AS CRONK?! HE'S A ******* MORON!! AND HE'S TOMO'S ****ING SERVANT!!! THERE IS NO WAY THAT I WILL PLAY THIS PART!!!"
The authoress closed her laptop, and whacked him over the head with it.
"AS THE AUTHORESS, I COMMAND YOU, NAKAGO, TO PLAY THE PART!!"
Nakago glared at her, but remained silent. She vanished, looking triumphant.
Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah. That's Ysma, the Emperor's advisor. And let's not forget Ysma's little sidekick. Every decade she gets a new one. This year's model is called "Cronk".
A fly buzzes past Nakago and lands on Ysma.
"I got that, Ysma," Nakago said, seeming to choke on every word. He swished the fly away, and it landed on his forehead. He got a clever look on his face, and smacked himself on the forhead, causing him to topple over and off of the platform.
Yup, that's Cronk, all right.
"I will so kill the authoress for this..." Nakago grumbled.
Okay, now lately Ysma has been getting his bad habit of trying to rule the country behind Hotohori's back. And, of course, Hotohori was thinking that that had to stop.
"Enough!" Tomo exclaimed, finally silencing Soi. "What concern is it of mine whether your family has...what was it again?"
"Umm, food," Soi replied meekly.
"Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants! Now we're through here, take her away!"
"Wait!!" Soi yelled, before two guards came and escorted her from the room.
"Next!" Ysma exclaimed.
"What morons," someone muttered.
"Ugh. Tell me about it," Tomo replied. He suddenly realized who it was that had spoken. "AGH!! Oh, you're highness!" he exclaimed, quickly jumping up and brushing off the thrown.
"Hi there," Hotohori said, unamused. "You were doing it again." He glared at Tomo.
"Doing? Doing what?"
"Oh! But your highness, I was only dealing with trifle peasant matters, honestly!"
As Ysma droned on in the background, Hotohori tried to block him out.
"Oi. Oh my Suzaku! Look at those WRINKLES!! What is holding this woman together?! What the-? Eww, how long has THAT been there?!" he pondered.
"Good thinking, Ysma!" Cronk said, and tapped Hotohori on the shoulder, bringing him back to Earth.
"Whoa!! No touchie!!" Hotohori exclaimed, preparing to drop-kick Cronk (Nakago, by the way).
"Your Highness!" his random advisor exclaimed.
"Yo?" Hotohori asked.
"The village leader has arrived!"
"Great! Send him in! Oh, and, Ysma, you're fired," Hotohori said, sitting down nonchalantly.
"Fired? What do you mean fired?" Tomo asked.
"Umm, how else can I say this? You're being let go, your department is downsizing, we're having an outplacement, we're going in a different direction, we didn't pick up your option...take your pick." Hotohori said. "Got more!" he added, cheerily.
"But...but...how can I be fired?" Tomo asked, sinking into the golden thrown in shock. "I have been nothing but loyal to the empire for many, many years!"
"Yeah, well, everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago. Now...who's in my chair?" Hotohori asked, mockingly.
"OOOH!! OOOH!! I KNOW!!" Crock exclaimed. "Ysma!! Ysma's in your chair, right?"
"Very GOOD Cronk!" Hotohori exclaimed as if he were talking to a dog. He pulled a small cookie from his tunic and held it up. "Now get the snack!! Get the snack!" he said, and tossed the cookie way above Cronk's head. Cronk (Nakago, just so you remember) frantically jumped after it, until he fell straight off of the platform and to the ground below.
"Now, you heard the man! Up, up up!!" Hotohori exclaimed. Ysma jumped up out of the thrown and stalked off, turning visibly red even under his miles of makeup. Hotohori jumped into his seat, got comfy, and then decided to do something constructive.
"Okay, show him in!" Hotohori exclaimed.
Tamahome, who was about 1 millionth the size of the huge double doors, crept in timidly.
"Uhh, your Majesty, I received this summons, and-" Tamahome stuttered.
"Hey!! It's my main village man!" Hotohori exclaimed.
"Umm, Pacha. And why did you want to see me, your Highness?" Tamahome replied.
"Pacha!! Of course! You're just the man I wanted to see! Word on the street is that you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, right?" Hotohori asked, and snapped his fingers. Ten burly guards entered and picked him up, thrown and all, and took him down to the same level as Tamahome.
"Sure. I'll do what I can, anyway."
"Great!" Hotohori said, jumping up. "That's just what I wanted to hear! Are you aware of how important your village is to the empire?"
"Well, I know we grow crops that you use here at the palace. Also, we heard the mooses that you use--" Pacha stopped in mid sentence as Hotohori led him into a room in which was a large model of his village, on the hilltop.
"My village?" he asked.
"Yup. You've got a sweet little setup on that hilltop, don't you pal?" Hotohori asked.
"Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last six generations," Tamahome answered.
"Uh huh. So, where would you say that you get the most sun light?" Hotohori asked.
"Oh. I'd say on the other side of those trees there. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing!" Tamahome answered, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen next.
"Is that so? Well, Pacha, that'll be all. Have a nice day," Hotohori replied.
"Really? That's all you wanted me for?" Tamahome asked.
"Yeah! I just needed an insider's opinion before I okayed the spot for my pool," Hotohori answered, nonchalantly.
"Your...pool?" Tamahome asked, dumbfounded. Suddenly, Hotohori slammed a large model of a castle on top of the hill, crushing the model of Pacha's house.
"Boo ya!! Welcome to Hotohori Land, my ultimate summer getaway!! Now complete with water slide!" Hotohori exclaimed, adding another piece, this one shaped like a pool.
"Wha?!" Tamahome demanded.
"It's my birthday gift to me!! I love me!!" Hotohori exclaimed, hugging the miniature castle.
"But...I don't understand? How can this happen?" Tamahome asked.
"It's simple, really. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I'll give the word, and your puny village will be destroyed to make room for...this!" Hotohori exclaimed, and pushed a button. Balloons, glitter, and confetti were released from the miniature Hotohori Land, while a circus tune played in the background.
"But...where will we live?" Tamahome asked.
"Hmm...how about Don't Know Street, Don't Caresville?" Hotohori asked. Tamahome blinked, shocked.
"Wait! You can't-" he started, but two of Hotohori's guards seized him by the shirt, sharp looking trident thingies pointed at his head. Hotohori turned around, and walked back up to Tamahome.
"When I give the word...your little town thingy will be bye bye. Bye bye!" Hotohori said, and the guards drug him out of the room. "Boo hoo," Hotohori said, sarcastically.
Okay...he's a meanie. But the important thing is, everything was going his way...
"AAAAAAGHHHHH!!!" WHAM!!! Tomo swung a huge sledgehammer over his shoulder, the hammer coming crashing down onto a porcelain bust that looked remarkably like Emperor Hotohori.
Or...so he thought.
Tomo paced back and forth, muttering under his breath, as Nakago/Cronk, his arms full of more porcelain busts of Hotohori, placed another one on the stone block on top of the dust which was the remnants of the old one. Tomo paced back over, took the sledgehammer, swung it, and WHAM!!, the new bust became nothing more than dust.
"Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?!" Tomo demanded, handing the sledgehammer back to Cronk, who was forced to hold it with his teeth, as he put another bust on the stone block. "Firing me?! Hah!" Tomo exclaimed, taking the sledgehammer back and preparing to smash the next bust. "Does he-- a little to the left," Cronk faithfully scooted the bust over to the left, and Tomo smashed it with the hammer, yet again handing the heavy thing back to Cronk, and repeating the process all over again. "Does he have any idea of who he's dealing with?!" Tomo continued to rant. "How could he do this to me?! I practically raised him!" SMASH!!
"Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better," Cronk said.
"Yeah, go figure," Tomo said, pacing back off.
"Well, at least you're taking your anger out on these porcelain busts and not on the real Hotohori, right?" Cronk replied. Tomo froze in his tracks.
"That's it!! That's it, Cronk! I'll get rid of Hotohori!" Tomo exclaimed. Cronk abruptly dropped the rest of the porcelain busts in shock.
"...the real Hotohori, right?" Cronk asked.
"OF COURSE THE REAL HOTOHORI!!! Don't you see? It's perfect!! With Hotohori gone and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire! Brilliant!" Tomo exclaimed.
"But, how does that work with you being fired an all?" Cronk asked.
"The only ones that know about that are the three of us...soon to be the two of us!" Tomo explained. Cronk smiled deviously.
"And I'm one of those two, right?" he asked.
"To the secret lab!" Tomo exclaimed, and they rushed over to a wall with a statue and some levers on it. "Pull the lever, Cronk!" Tomo commanded. Nakago smirked evilly, and pulled a random lever. "WRONG LEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tomo shrieked, as she fell through the floor. Nakago cackled evilly. Tomo soon reappeared at the doorway, soaked, and toting a rather large alligator attached to his backside. "Who do we even HAVE that lever?!" he demanded, smacking the alligator with his feather thingies. The alligator whimpered and scurried away. Tomo marched up to Cronk, shoved him out of the way, and pulled the OTHER lever. The floor immediately rose up and hurtled Tomo and Cronk into another area, and they magically landed in some sort of booth.
Please remain seated at all times, came a voice from out of nowhere, as a random metal bar descended to their laps, as if it were some sort of ride. Suddenly, the booth zoomed off, on wheels of some sort, rocketing along a stone pathway. Tomo slicked his hair and feathers back, and grabbed on to the metal bar, while Nakago instead threw his arms up and shouted "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! FASTER!! FASTER!!!"
But, as soon as the ride began, it was over, and the booth came to an abrupt stop, hurtling it's occupants through the air, to land safely on the ground, wearing black rubber gloves and boots, and white laboratory coats and pants. No one is quite sure how that came to be, either. I mean, they're in ancient MezoAmerica, and even with today's science no one can just be thrown out of a booth and land wearing different clothing. Oops, my bad, back to the story...
"Now, how should I do it?" Tomo asked himself, cackling diabolically. "Oh! I know! I'll turn him into a flea! A harmless, little flea. Then I'll put that flea in a box, and put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail it to myself, and when it arrives....MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!!" Tomo plotted. "A HA HA!! IT'S BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT I TELL YOU!!" he exclaimed, accidentally knocking over a vial of random bubbling red liquid. The liquid spilled onto a conveniently placed plant nearby, which immediately turned black and fell over, dead. Tomo and Cronk both stared at the dead plant for a second. "...or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!"
Tomo handed Cronk the vial of random red liquid. "Take it Cronk!! Oh...feel the power!!"
"Oh yeah...I can feel it," Cronk replied. Tomo cackled evilly again.
"Our moment of triumph approaches!! IT'S DINNER TIME!!" Lightning flashed dramatically.