TITLE: Oh For the Love of TV
AUTHOR: Mara Jade
CATEGORY: humour, crossover
SUMMARY: After a difficult mission Jack settles back to watch his favourite TV show and finds something surprising…
SPOILERS: Wormhole Extreme
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just a quick fic I thought up at one point, I don't think anyone's done it before…not that I've seen anyway. Re-posted without the stupid mistakes there were before. Or at least not as many of them! Still all faults are mine!
DISCLAIMER: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. The Simpson's belong to Fox, Matt Groening, and various others who are not me. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
Jack settled himself onto his sofa, beer in one hand, remote in the other and feet up on the table in front of him.
It hand been a particularly bad mission that day. They had gated to a planet in some far part of the universe for a 'routine' mission – so Carter could collect dirt and Danny could collect rocks – and everyone knew that routine missions weren't routine for SG1.
Yeah, right…he had been looking forward to a bit of excitement but noo today just hadn't been his day. There had been trees, which was always a bad start. Then came the rain, then the wind, then, just for variety some more rain.
This had, of course resulted in a lot of mud.
In a wave, coming down off of the top of a hill.
Having recovered from catching the edge of the landslide (thank god it had been only the edge) they had decided to head back to the gate.
They had got only half way there before Daniel had slipped in the mud, falling to the ground right beside a dirty great big, muddy puddle.
He had, of course, felt the need to grab a hold of Jack at the precise moment he felt himself slipping and had brought the older man down with him.
Right into said, dirty, great big muddy puddle.
Now cold, wet and muddy Jack had lead them home while resolutely ignoring a certain Doctor Jackson and glowering at everyone within sight.
It had not helped when he had been subjected to the amused smirks of the rest of his team, Hammond, the base CMO, several nurses, SF's, Gate techs, and random observers who appeared to be there for the sole purpose of smirking at the legendary CO of the SGC's premiere team when he appeared, covered in a layer of mud to his neck, where it covered only the right side of his face.
To put it bluntly he looked like a complete fool, especially as the rest of his team were covered in a comparatively miniscule amount of mud.
Simply put, He was Not a Happy Camper.
Having finally succeeding in cleaning the mud from places he didn't even know mud could get he had slipped a tape into the machine, grabbed a beer and was now settling himself in for a nice, warm, mud free evening.
Pushing the 'Play' button he relaxed and let out a contented sigh as the Simpson's theme rang cheerfully out at him.
Wormhole X-treme? He though, with a raise of his eyebrow as the episode name scrolled across. Why does that sound familiar? He let the thought slip from his, mind as he focused on the screen once again, his mind blissfully blank.
"Homey, homey come quick!" Marge shouted. Homer came dashing into the room at full speed, looking guilty and muttering something about how whatever it was he hadn't done it.
"No, Homer I just got a letter from the TV people, we've won a trip to the set of that new show, Wormhole X-treme."
Homer looked blankly at her as the screen focused on Homers brain. *Say something, this is one of those things that Marge loves* it told him.
"Uh…wow Marge, that's…"
"Homer, I want you to come," Homer looked nervously around, a panicked look in is eyes. "They give us free lunch," Marge told him.
"Marge, get the kids, we leave in fi-"
"No, Homer. It's next Saturday."
"Oh, but I'm hungry!"
The words 'Next Saturday' rolled across the screen in front of a wide-eyed, oddly impressed Jack O'Neill.
The large family strolled up to the security booth.
"I mean, not only does the show have a woman in a high military position but it also uses intelligent scientific information properly." Lisa prattled in excitement as they walked.
"And that Colonel Danning is so good looking!" Marge commented dreamily.
"Marge!" Homer whined before the guard in the booth coughed pointedly.
"Oh, sorry, we're the Simpson's, we're here for the tour from the TV Company."
"Oh…yes." The guard commented, buzzing in another man.
"Ah, hello, you're the Simpsons? Oh good, if you'll just put these visitors badges on and follow me, we'll get on with the tour." doing as they were asked they followed after the man. "Well, this is the set from a new episode we're shooting at the moment. This one is 'ancient planet'" their guide made air quotes with his hands as he said this. " Number four. This is 'Alien Ship'" more air quotes. "Number 2, number one was destroyed during last seasons finale, where colonel Danning single handed-ly fought off 20 aliens whilst Stacey Monroe repaired a vital piece of machinery and armed a bomb whilst the rest of their team took out the alien leader and they saved the day."
As the guide rambled on Homer looked around, bored. Spying an interesting looking gadget on one table he looked around, sidling over to the table where it rested and whistling a little tune.
With a last look around he reached out and swiftly swiped the gadget with a gleeful giggle and a "Yoink!"
He rejoined the group just in time to see Marge point to a tall, severe looking man in Blue Airforce Uniform and ask;
"Hey, aren't you the guy that plays Macgyver?" The man turned and gave her an offended look.
"Uh…no." the guide cut in. "This is our technical adviser form the Airforce, Colonel O'Flarrell."
"Oh, sorry." Marge said, deciding that the man was a little too old to be Macgyver anyway.
"That's okay Ma'am…I get that a lot."
"Ah-ha…moving swiftly onwards," the guide ushered them along. "This is 'Mission HQ'" (air quotes) "Set three. Here we can see the team gathered to plan their next mission," the guide resolutely ignored Marge's interruption of "ooh, there's Colonel Danning!"
"Mom! This is boring! When do we get to see the aliens?" Bart whined, earning a 'shush' and a scowl from Marge and Lisa, respectively. Before they could get any further through the tour they were interrupted as a group of large men suddenly ran towards them, each grabbing a member of the family (it took four to get Homer) and bundling them into a black, unmarked van before anyone could utter a sound.
When they were finally un-blindfolded they found themselves each tied to a chair in an abandoned warehouse.
The largest of the man came and stood before Homer, rubbing his fists menacingly, "What have you done with the flibotchilator?" he demanded.
"I don't know! I haven't done anything! I just wanted free lunch." Homer replied in a high-pitched, nervous voice.
"Don't lie to us, Human!"
"I swear I didn't take it! I don't even know what a floobiechoobie is!"
The large man walked over to a marginally smaller man, and they held a hushed conversation. "Master, what if they speak the truth?" said the smaller.
"No, they are lying!" replied the larger. "Not even a human could be this unintelligent. It is an act."
"Yes Master," replied the smaller. They were walking back towards the humans when they were interrupted by the sound of gunshots. Moments later more of the men appeared, carrying four people in military clothing. Tying the three men and one woman to more chairs they passed small black devise over them each, shooting a green laser jet at them.
"Well, well, well. Who do we have here?" asked the largest man. It seems we've found the infamous CT1!"
"Who are you? What is this?" asked the man that the Simpsons now recognised as Colonel O'Flarrell, the 'technical advisor'.
"Perhaps you will recognise us now." Said the large man, reaching up to the top of his head and pulling off what turned out to be a mask.
Homer let out a high-pitched squeal, Marge and Lisa gasped, and Bart yelled "Cool!" as a green skinned, tentacled alien appeared.
"Flivotan." The large, dark skinned military man exclaimed in monotone, with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, for the love of TV!" exclaimed the grey-haired Colonel O'Flarrell.
"Very well. If you will not tell us where you have hidden the Flibotchilator then we will be forced to take you with us," Flivotan informed the terrified family. They, along with the military team were bundled back into the black van and were taken to an unknown location. Once there they were put into a cell, all of them together, and told to wait there.
"So," said Lisa, "You wouldn't happen to be part of a secret military organisation that deals with aliens would you?" she questioned nervously. The tall colonel turned to her with a sigh and answered her.
"Yes. I am Colonel John O'Flarrell, This is Major-Doctor Laura Baker." He indicated the tall, blonde haired woman. "Doctor Matthew Johnson." He indicated a sandy haired, geeky looking man with glasses. "And Blue'c." The last was the large, dark skinned man. "He's a robot."
Bart looked up at Blue'c in wide-eyed fascination, a grin on his face while Lisa stared at Major Baker with adoration in her eyes. Homer stood behind Marge, cowering in the fear that the aliens would return.
"Ooh, it's like in Wormhole X-treme!" Marge exclaimed excitedly. "Does that mean we get to kick the bad guy's asses and save the world?" she asked. Before anyone could answer the floor shook and the blonde Major spoke up.
"Sir, I think we're taking off, unless I'm much mistaken this is a variation of the klivarian transport vessel, so they can't be taking us far, perhaps to a larger ship."
"Or another planet, one with a PlanetDoor." Suggested Doctor Johnson, who had remained silent until then.
"Right, Baker get to work on that door release, we won't have much time."
Within moments they had managed to break out of their cell and were waiting in the corridor outside the command centre, just in time to sweep in and knock out the aliens with their miraculously discovered weapons.
Gabbing hold of what looked suspiciously like a joystick Baker guided the ship down beside a large, metal ring.
With swift military actions the team secured the location, finally allowing the awed Simpson family out.
"What is it Matty?"
"Well, it's just, we don't have our PSD's and you know we can't get through the 'Door at the other end without them…"
"Well, Sir I can probably use they power influx generator from the ship, piggy backed onto the relativistic flatulator, combined with the seismic dampener, fed into the succumber form the ships drive, using the defibulator to boost the signal through the open wormhole to create a signal that could be recognised by the CTC computers."
"Yes, Sir, I can create a PSD signal."
Lisa followed Baker as she set off to create this device, trying to escape the image of her father dancing around and crying 'Look Marge, I'm dancing, on another planet. Look at me, whooo, I'm dancing on another planet!'
Bart, on the other hand followed O'Flarrell around, badgering him with questions about aliens and guns.
"Hey, can I hold your gun?" Bart asked as they passed by Blue'c.
"NO!" the Colonel exclaimed, loosing him temper. Blue'c raised an eyebrow and grabbed Bart by the back of his t-shirt, lifting him up to eye level.
"I do not believe it will be wise of you to continue to pester ColonelO'Flarrell." He warned before releasing the boy, who scampered nervously off to pester Homer instead.
After two hours of hard work they finally set the 'Macgyvered' device up and were able to step through the 'PlanetDoor' back to earth. They had been welcomed to 'Circle Team Command' and were now being 'debriefed'.
Sat in a posh looking room, around a large table with a short bald man from Arkansas, they were being questioned about their part in the escapade. "Mr. Simpson, what exactly were the Kilvarians trying to get out of you?" He asked.
"I don't know a flibbletracator or something…"
"A flibotchilator?" Baker supplied for him
"Yeah, one of those!."
"Major?" the bald general queried.
"It's a small, black and silver device that allows a person, or persons to become invisible and pass through solid matter."
Homer looked shocked and slightly sheepish as he pulled out the gadget he had swiped earlier, "You mean something like this?"
The Airforce personnel looked shocked and questioned him about it until he reluctantly admitted that he had stolen it, explaining that he wanted it because it looked cool.
"So, do we still get lunch?" Homer asked once they had been 'debriefed'.
"Uh, absolutely, we just need you to undertake this quick eye test first…"
A flash of red light lit the screen as the end credits began to roll across the screen. Jack O'Niell blinked for almost the first time in about half an hour, a huge grin affixed to his face.
The same grin was still attached to his face as he entered the base the next day, despite the fact that his cheeks were starting to ache from the constant tension. The few airmen that he passed looked decidedly scared at seeing him so happy and, even before he got to the lower levels a rumour had spread that he had finally got together with Carter.
After Checking in with the General, who had assured him that it would just be another case of 'Plausible deniability he headed to the commissary, where he knew he'd find the rest of his team stocking up on sugar and caffeine.
He was, however, shocked to find that there was a huge printout adorning the walls of the commissary, featuring four scarily familiar figures.
One large, yellow skinned Colonel John O'Flarrell (two l's), a yellow skinned Major Laura Baker and Doctor Matthew 'Matty' Johnson and the large, dark skinned Blue'c, one eyebrow raised. He looked at his team, his grin almost splitting his face and saw that even Teal'c looked highly impressed and amused, "Sweet!"