Yay! Entry for Chibizoo's second fic contest! Humour category too!
Yes, this is a humour fic. It might not seem like it at times, but trust me, it is. I'm trying to balance "evil", "humour" and "plot" here people, work with me. Just think "Shakespeare", where everything is considered a comedy as long as it has a happy ending... never mind that certain people request a pound of flesh or that certain women get starved by their husbands (Merchant of Venice and Taming of the Shrew).
This thing will be tweeked in the next coupla days, so feel free to give me suggestions. Otherwise the only big change that might happen is the removal of the first scene... it takes away from the humour. -_-
/Hikari to Yami/
//Yami to Hikari//
ahou - fool (not to be confused with "aibou")
bakamono - stupid person
che - shit
gaijin - foreigner
gaki - brat
kami-sama - God
urusai - shut up
Rating: PG for swear words.
Summary: Ryou pushed his yami too far one Friday night. Now it gets interesting, 'cause he's about to find out *exactly* what his yami does in his spare time... and maybe build a little trust while he's at it? Chibizoo contest entry. One-shot.
by Lizeth Hallington
ww w.geocities.c om/lizeth_hal/ (take out the spaces)
Categorization was an interesting thing. Some things just had to go together... like peanut butter and jam, Batman and Robin... Light and Dark.
Then there were the days of the week: Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
...Notice one missing?
I'm getting to that.
Monday mornings have been, since their dubious creation, the bane of mankind. That was why Ryou Bakura, a teenager marked by abnormality in the most unusual ways (which would then, in turn, make him normal?), was...
"Late!" Ryou moaned quietly, letting his head fall to his desk with a muffled thud.
Yugi Mouto swerved in his chair and smiled wryly at his classmate, his golden bangs shining in the streams of sunlight. "It's not the end of the world, Bakura-kun. You've had a flawless record so far; one late isn't going to mar you for life."
The white-haired boy mumbled incoherently into the glue-and-sawdust of his desk and Yugi shook his head resignedly, still smiling. Ryou had a tendency to obsess over things, although you wouldn't really be able to tell at first glance. The first thing you caught was the stark white hair, long enough to brush past his shoulder-blades. If that didn't scream "albino", it certainly screamed "rebel without a cause", but the truth was he was born with hair like that, so any rebelling was purely unintentional on his part.
Yugi cupped his chin in his hand, slouching over the back of his chair. "Why were you late anyway?"
Blearily, Ryou lifted his head. "I was-"
//Tell him and I'll eviscerate you,// interrupted a low, forceful voice and Ryou stiffened instantly, swallowing his words with a near-audible gulp.
"Bakura-kun?" Yugi prompted, brows furrowing. "What is it?"
"Eh..." Ryou stuttered, "I was just... studying for the history test."
"Bakura-kun, that's not until next week," the shorter teen blinked.
Ryou laughed, hoping, for his own sake that it didn't sound too contrived. "Well, you know I like to get a head start."
A golden eyebrow arched critically as Yugi regarded his friend. "So basically your lateness is your own fault?"
Ryou shrugged sheepishly.
//And you know, the funny thing is that it's true,// Yami Bakura smirked. //Entirely your fault.//
Ryou winced at his other's barb, shoulders slouching slightly, but Yugi never noticed. Jou and the others had crowded around the young Game King and had shifted his focus of attention, leaving the white-haired boy to fiddle nervously with his pen.
It was true. That was part of the problem.
Furtively, he glanced at the clock. Please, he thought desperately, let this day be over soon.
But in the back of his mind, his yami was laughing.
- After school -
/Yami, please!/ Ryou begged, pounding on the door of his soul room. /I'm sorry, alright? I take it back.../
//Oh, it's far too late for that, hikari,// Bakura interrupted, his lopsided grin matching the demonic gleam in his eye. Since the darker half was in control, the expression was displayed on his face for the entire world to see. //This is what you wanted.//
/This is not what I wanted,/ Ryou wailed frantically. /YAMI THIS ISN'T FUNNY!/
As soon as school let out, Yami Bakura was in control, bidding a pleasant farewell to the "Smurf-king and co." (to avoid suspicion) then making a bee-line for home. There, he had set his carefully concocted plans into motion, despite his hikari's fervent protests.
//Funny, no. Fun, yes,// came the wry reply. It was 7 p.m. now, and Bakura was strolling casually through Domino City's business district, a black duffle bag thrown haphazardly over one shoulder. Under his trench coat, he was wearing tight-fitting pants, army boots and a long-sleeved turtleneck, all of which were black. A pair of gloves stuck out from his right coat pocket while his left contained what appeared to be a knitted hat.
/Fun, NO,/ Ryou corrected venomously. /I - am - going - to - die!/
Bakura rolled his eyes. //Don't be melodramatic.//
//Shut up!// the tomb raider finally snapped. //Listen, you said, and I quote: 'Why can't you be more like Yugi's yami? We never do anything together!'// Bakura sneered.
Within his soul room, Ryou's expression was an interesting study of how to look mortified, furious and panicked, all at the same time. Shuddering slightly, Ryou Bakura, timid little pushover that he was, counted to ten... then twenty... and upon finding that method of self-control severely lacking, he balled his fists and hollered as loud as his mind-voice would allow.
/ROBBING A BANK IS NOT WHAT I'D CALL QUALITY BONDING TIME!!!/
"Shit!" Bakura cursed out loud, stumbling over nothing and nearly dropping the equipment he'd brought. //Bakamono! Shut up or we will get caught!// the Egyptian spirit hissed as he clutched his head in pain.
/It might be better than this./
//How would you know? You haven't even tried!// the tomb raider snapped.
Ryou's mouth clicked shut and there was a full minute of silence that Bakura used to his advantage, entering the office building across from the bank.
When Ryou finally spoke again, his voice was a small, sheepish squeak. /Couldn't you at least have picked a... less prominent bank?/
The tomb raider sighed exasperatedly. //Have a bit of a back-bone, hikari. It's all or nothing, otherwise it's not worth doing.//
Another nervous pause.
/...but Kaiba-kun's going to be pissed. He uses this bank./
A wicked grin. //You have been paying attention,// came the drawl. //And here I thought you were hopeless.//
Ryou groaned and rubbed his forehead tiredly. I'm doomed. He decided dejectedly. The next time I call my father I'll have to say, "Hi dad! Can you bail me out?" and mean it literally!
"Hey, kid!" a stern voice called, and the Egyptian turned calmly, pointedly ignoring his moaning other-self. Fast approaching was a grim-faced security guard, looking like he was more than ready for some action after a boring day's work.
/...Kami-sama, my will is in the shoebox on the top shelf of my wardrobe.../
//Quiet,// the tomb raider ordered, sounding... vaguely amused? //Watch.//
"Gaki, you're not allowed in here. This is a private office building-"
"Wh-at?" Bakura stuttered, and all at once, Ryou's eyes widened. No. Way. His yami sounded like a-
"Gaijin," the security guard spat, rolling his eyes in exasperation. Foreigner.
Bakura smiled blankly. "Sor'ly. I am... lo-st," he intoned and Ryou gapped. His yami was milking the British part of Ryou's heritage for all it was worth... in the worst possible way. This was far beyond simple exaggeration. That accent was so twisted it toed the shallows of evil.
Apparently that was what the guard was thinking too, because he suddenly sported a strained grimace. "Uh... well..."
"You... h-elp?" Bakura's smile was fast turning into a disturbing one.
"Uh... I suppose..." he said, while his expression said the exact opposite.
"Hap-py!" Bakura crooned. "I... am s-earch far tall hose."
"Far tall hose?" the man repeated bewilderedly.
"Ah, sor'ly," Bakura bowed, hiding a smirk, "Four tall ho-use."
"For a tall house?" the guard repeated, looking at the thief like he was crazy.
"Ah! Yes! T-at!" Bakura crowed, pointing madly.
Y'know... if this wasn't part of a bank heist, this might well be funny, Ryou thought, covering his face with a hand as he wavered between embarrassment and grudging amusement. It's not every day the King of Thieves makes a fool of himself in front of an audience.
//I heard that,// Bakura growled. //Don't even think of telling anyone.//
Ryou winced at his other's biting tone. Whoops.
//"Whoops" indeed. Your barriers are pathetic, hikari.//
The guard was twitching noticeably. "That's not much for me to go on, kid."
Bakura just gave him another of those blank smiles, eyes flickering to a group of people that were about to leave the building. "Ah, may it b-ee this w-ay?" he said a little too loudly, walking towards the group of people with an arm pointed in front of him, meanwhile keeping his gaze on the guard.
The results were predictable.
The thief ended up crashing into the group of people, starting a number of yells and bruising a number of feet. The guard promptly tried to sort out the tangled mess of people as the more clumsy ones fell in a heap (with a little "help" from Yami Bakura) only to get dragged down himself.
Stumbling back, Bakura knocked a styrofoam cup full of hot coffee off the reception desk and onto the keyboard of the resident secretary, rapidly eliciting a hail of curses that sounded very wrong on the lips of the pretty young woman in question.
That episode in its entirety took about ten seconds and in the following five, Bakura was dashing across the lobby and up the stairwell, careful to avoid the cameras, a toothy grin barred on his face.
/... ... .../ said Ryou.
//Whoops,// said Bakura, totally unrepentant.
They were on the roof.
After climbing a few flights of stairs, the tomb raider had hijacked an elevator. Well... not so much "hijacked" as "glared at any unfortunates who tried to get into said elevator" with him. There had been one intern who had been so piled with papers, she'd failed to see the hypothetical red neon sign saying, "Looming Threat" and entered the elevator anyway. Three flights later she nigh well fled to her cubicle, having been treated to Bakura's patented feral grin and his remarkably savage growl at its best.
She'd probably be taking stairs for the rest of her life.
Anyway, the elevator had taken them as high as it could go, before Bakura was forced to start climbing stairs himself.
The door to the roof, fortunately, was locked the old non-electronic way and was therefore picked with ease.
/You're really gonna do this, aren't you?/ Ryou asked, appalled as the severity of the situation finally sunk in.
//No, I'm just doing this for kicks- Of course I am! I didn't spend the entire weekend planning for nothing, you know!// the Egyptian snarled sarcastically.
Kneeling, the thief dropped his bag on the gravel floor and shrugged off his trench coat, pulling out equipment and laying them down on the leather. Ryou gapped as complicated looking devices he'd never seen before were slowly spread before him... a number of them looking quite modern. Pulling out a custom-made belt, fitted with numerous pockets, Bakura buckled it around his waist and started checking through it.
/Yami?! Where did you get all this?!/
Amusement. He was sure now. That emotion trickling in from his other was definitely amusement, albeit a twisted, sadistic version.
//What did you think I've been doing all those nights I'd take over, ahou? Playing croquet? I'm a thief. I steal. It's this cute little hobby of mine.//
It was official. The world was ending. His yami was... laughing. Well, snickering... but it wasn't one of his I'll-grind-your-bones-and-tap-dance-on-your-grave laughs. His yami was really enjoying this!
That was when Bakura picked up his grapnel gun in his gloved hands and Ryou realized something.
/Wait, what are you doing with that?!/
The thief froze mid-motion, as if he couldn't quite believe what he'd heard, then slowly sent his hikari a Look.
//Well...// came the deceptively cheerful drawl. //I'm going to put the metal thing in the barrel...// he said, demonstrating. //The barrel points at things...// He waved his hand. //Then the metal thing goes where I point it and hooks onto other things. I could give you a more detailed play-by-play, but that might put you to sleep,// he ended sarcastically.
/Yami, that hook is from my father's antique weapons collection!/
//And what a perfectly preserved piece of antiquity it is too,// Bakura agreed amiably.
/Yami!/ Ryou protested but thief only snorted at his other's distress.
//Urusai. I know what I'm doing.//
He was cut off sharply as the grapnel gun fired, the thick rope whipping and twirling so fast it was distinctly audible above the thrum of traffic below. Ryou could almost hear a chink as the hook caught on the ledge of the opposite building.
Bakura pulled the rope taunt and tied the end deftly to a pike he'd set up earlier. He hung slightly from the rope, testing the line.
//Alright, we're good to go.//
/Meep,/ said Ryou.
Bakura grinned, pulling a ski-mask down over his face, carefully tucking away any stray strands of milky hair.
Clipping a buckle to the rope, Bakura rechecked his harness and crouched on the ledge.
Then his yami did something just short of a miracle.
If Ryou was stupefied before, now he was struck speechless. His yami... his sadistic, evil, let's-send-you-to-the-graveyard yami... conceded some control. If Ryou tried hard enough, he could wiggle his toes (which was met with an exasperated grumble from his other).
//We're on a schedule here, ahou, do you mind?//
Bakura leaned forward as if to dive but Ryou panicked.
/NO!/ the hikari yelped. The combination of Bakura trying to go forward and Ryou trying to hold back caused both of them to flail for balance on their precarious perch. Ryou was sure his heart would stop then, as the wind whipped around them bitingly and eternity stretched on forever, but it didn't and when he looked again, he was standing on solid, gravel ground.
//You...// came the low, dangerous hiss and Ryou felt his throat constrict. //BAKA!!!// the tomb raider roared furiously when he found his feet. //YOU USELESS, SPINELESS IDIOT!//
Wide-eyed, Ryou stumbled back within his soul room and covered his head as if he were actually expecting a physical attack. Curling down into a crouch, he whimpered quietly, rocking on the balls of his feet.
//YOU WANT TO GET KILLED? CAUGHT?//
//ANSWER ME!// the dark spirit howled.
/No-o-o.../ Ryou repeated quietly, eyes stinging.
Silence filled by the zooming and honking of cars. Bakura's gloved fists clenched.
//...Then for Ra's sake, trust me. It's my body too.//
Ryou drew a small intake of breath and blinked, head still tucked under his arms.
//Che!// his yami spat. //Get up, ahou. You're pathetic!// he said, but his mind-voice lacked its usual bite. //Schedule. Time. Ticking.//
//Now, ahou!// This time, the voice booked no argument. //I'm not gonna blow a heist for the first time in 3000 years. I have a reputation to keep!//
/I- okay?/ Ryou said uncertainly. Slowly, he dropped his hands to the floor and pushed himself up, staring half-expectantly into space with a bewildered and frightened expression.
Bakura unclenched his fists, reaching out to grip the rope again.
//Finally! One more toe out of line, bakamono, and you'll be trapped as a card for the rest of your miserable life, understood?// the spirit snapped.
Ryou nodded reluctantly, not trusting his voice.
//Che,// Bakura scowled, lip curling as he stepped up to the ledge.
This time, when he dived, he was met with no resistance... just a small, timid squeak in the back of his mind that slowly... very slowly, gave way to a muffled wonder.
- Bakura Residence -
"That's crazy!" Jou was saying as Ryou re-entered the living room, carrying a tray of drinks. Yugi, Jou, Honda and Anzu were all gathered at his house, killing time on a Tuesday night.
"What's crazy?" Ryou asked timidly as he handed out the drinks, setting the tray on the coffee table.
"Y'know..." Jou gestured extensively.
"I don't think he'd ask if he knew, Jounouchi-kun," Yugi teased.
Anzu rolled her eyes as she sipped her soda, nodding a quiet thank you. "They're talking about that bank robbery: the one in the paper."
Ryou landed on the couch a little more heavily than he'd intended.
"Jou read the paper? That's a first," Honda said, feigning amazement.
Reaching over Yugi's head, the blonde punched his long-time friend in the arm. "Shut up. It was on the news."
"Heh," Honda smirked, rubbing his arm. "I should've known better than to assume."
In his armchair, Ryou stared blankly at the wall, panic making an all-too-familiar reappearance. "It was on the news?" he squeaked.
Yugi turned to look at his white-haired companion strangely. "Well, yeah. It's not every day the main branch bank gets broken into. Kaiba-kun was fit to be tied. Didn't you notice? He looked ready to kill the next thing that so much as looked at him cross-eyed faster than you can say 'Blue-Eyes'!"
"Err... not really..." Ryou muttered. "I was a little bit... preoccupied."
"Wi'v what?" Jou asked, pausing in his impromptu wrestling match with Honda, an arm hooked around his friend's neck.
"Oh... well..." the white-haired teen flailed, "I just realized... one of the items in my father's antique collection isn't where it's supposed to be..."
"Man, 'Kura-kun," Jou sympathized. "That's too bad. The city's really havin' some thief-troubles lately, huh?"
"Yeah..." Ryou trailed off.
//They have no idea...// Bakura smirked, eyes gleaming.
"That wasn't the weird thing," Yugi added, looking thoughtful. "Apparently, just hours after they figured the vault had been cracked, the money that was stolen popped up again... right in the middle of the Police Department Building."
"Whoa, really?" exclaimed Honda. "I didn't hear that."
"It wasn't released until later," Yugi placated, fiddling with his can of pop. "The police were embarrassed 'cause no one saw who delivered the money to the police station... crawling with cops. You'd think they'd notice something, wouldn't you?"
//Not really,// Bakura drawled, continuing his silent commentary, //Maybe if they weren't all cotton-brained idiots-//
"Well anyway," Yugi shrugged. "It was just kind of odd, that's all. I mean, obviously, the burglars didn't steal for the money, so why do it at all?"
Ryou studied the patterns of his armchair, tracing his finger lightly over them.
/Good question, yami, why?/
A painfully flat look. //You already know the answer.//
"For the game," Ryou whispered and then blushed furiously when four pairs of eyes turned to him.
"Heh," said Jou, before he opened his pop with a crack-hiss and chugged it down. The topic was abandoned and the TV turned on, Jou and Honda vying for dominance over the remote control.
Within the privacy of his host's mind, Yami Bakura grinned savagely. //So, I hear the art gallery's good this time of year. How 'bout it? Next Monday...?// he trailed off suggestively.
Okay! All done! Until next Monday, anyway. ;) Thanks for reading!
Yeah yeah, I know. There were tons of places Bakura might've gotten caught, but cut me some slack... do I look like a professional bank robber to you? **bats her eyelashes innocently**
Tuulikki for beta reading. Chibizoo for running the contest. They are the paragons of coolness. :D