I'm the Merry Jester

I'm the Merry Jester-By Masamune

Wonder what everyone will think when they wake up? When they find me with my wrists slit and not completely dried blood on the floor around me. It's amazing really, blood. No I haven't slit myself yet, just nicked my thumb to see if I really am human and if I can bleed like I've made others bleed. But have you ever really just looked at it? Red, slightly sticky, salty when you lick it. But I digress.

Why? Why myself to end this meaningless existence I'm living? Because nobody else will? Hah, I've brought death to so many that there should be millions ready to gut me for what I've done. Murderer, monster, sick bastard, what would they call me if they passed me on the street and knew who I was? Knew what I've done?

Lots of people would see a fairly short young man all adorned in black. Long, beautiful chestnut braid. Kawaii violet eyes and an irresistible face. Me. Duo Maxwell? Just a name, I'm really just some poor orphan kid that had to tough it out on the streets and watch my beloved die around me, no big deal.

Why am I thinking like this? Because this is the way I often do when I'm alone. My existence is a shell, a gorgeous body and absolutely a dead soul. Funny that as much as I appear full of life I feel so dead on the inside. I guess that's just one of the reasons why I'm sitting here ready to cut my wrists, my black, dead soul. Actually more like a vacuum, consuming the souls of others. Shinigami? Just a title. As the merry jester I'm entitled to a title ne? Heh what a goofy sentence. Crazy? No just tired of life. Tired of death, reaping, taking from the poor and doing it through me.

Heero. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Hahahaha, I know that you really do have feelings for me. Try as you might you can't hide them from me. Perfect soldier, fallen head over heels for the class clown. You don't love me, the sick twisted fuck. You fell in love with an illusion, something I created, why?…I don't know.

Honestly and truly I don't know what drove me to start acting the happy-go-lucky guy role. It s fun and sometimes I almost do feel like a normal kid but I know that's not true.

God is dead! Long live death! Enough bullshit why don't I just cut myself? I'm not scared but I think I'm starting to enjoy the feeling of the knife gently scraping my skin.

I'm not who you think I am. I'm not innocent; I'm not worthy of even the small scrap of happiness I've gotten. Shimatta, enough of this. I'm the merry jester ne? I don't think sad things.

It feels weird ne? The red ooze dribbling out of my wrists. This tainted blood. Feels sort of good though, the life leaving my body. Soon I'll be gone and nobody else will need to suffer. I hope that none of the others follows my example. They're all nice people, with decent souls. I had to get rid of myself before I ended up consuming them too right? I'm the merry jester Duo Maxwell! I'm the moodmaker, the guy to cheer ya up when ya down ne? I don't want to hurt anybody else; I just want to die.

Heh, it's almost over now. I can't focus and it's getting really hard to think. I'm sorry cruel world, sorry for making you blacker then you already were. I tried for awhile to brush off my shadows. For a little time I thought I could start anew, and be a totally different person. But my heart is just as black as the day I was made by that cold cruel son of a bitch they call God. I'm not that innocent of a jester. I'm a plague to all I touch and more then that I'm tired of this existence that I am.

…Not much time left so I'll make this brief. Gomen Wufei, Solo, Trowa, Hilde. Gomen Quatre for the mess that you'll have to clean up tomorrow. Gomen Heero.

~owari

MasamuneEHS@hotmail.com