Disclaimer: Cold and craggy Paramount hoards its treasures jealously, but the Great Bird of the Galaxy inspires those under his protection.

Notes: In response to many years of having his skills, intelligence, and personality maligned (and to a few more intense years of crawling under the seat to quietly die of shame every time his actor appeared on a screen), a good friend of ours has decided that it's time to advertise for a replacement. Not just anyone will do, of course. Even in the age of 'cowboy diplomacy,' Starfleet has it's standards--and double standards.


From the Want Ads

(a rant of sorts)

by Nightfall




Want fame? Glory? Honors? Good Press? Photoshoots? Scantily clad aliens requesting your autograph?

We are looking for one good man for a challenging and rewarding position in the field of space exploration. Be prepared to meet some prerequisites.

You must be:

+ over the age of thirty-five, unless from such classically American states as Texas, New York or Iowa

+ male or mannish

+ human or overwhelmingly humanoid

+ Caucasian or otherwise melanin-deprived (beings with silicon or copper- based blood need not apply)

+ smooth-skinned or willing to shave every inch of your visible body from the nose down

+ Able to speak Standard without an accent

+ Protestant, not religious, or willing to forgo any public expression of religion whatsoever.

+ Straight and free of kinks, asexual, or willing to behave as such on and off duty

+ Committed to no person; committed to said noncommitment

+ Willing to sleep with anything that moves should a mission require it of you. Yes, even a Tellarite.

+ Able to consistently keep your hands off everyone you see on a daily basis. Everyone. Even that one gorgeous and brilliant officer who spends all day bent over and facing away from you. You may have to skin them alive and feed them toes first into a bonfire, and that's not sexy.

+ Willing to kill or maim yourself, your best friend, your mother, an ensign who worships you, or a total stranger, should a mission require it of you.

+ Able to decide between the death and/or mutilation of the two people closest to you in under five seconds and go in to work the next day as usual

+ Willing to kill four hundred and thirty people in response to a threatened loss of power, and able to understand that this is done on behalf of your superiors and that the power was never yours to begin with.

+ Able to understand that nothing is yours, even a family you love, an object you have bought, or the reputation you earn, only held in trust for Starfleet, enjoyed on a temporary basis, or loosely attached to your title.

+ Able to wage effective war

+ Able to negotiate effectively

+ Willing to participate in any alien rituals you may encounter, even if it means eating sentient flesh and complimenting the chef with apparent sincerity.

+ Able to evaluate, respond to, and improve the morale of four hundred and thirty people at any given moment, including under mortal fire

+ Able to fight barefisted on two broken legs and a few cracked ribs

+ An excellent shot

+ Able to make a weapon out of dust, treebark, or your communicator, and utilize it proficiently

+ Able to throw a weapon a few feet away from you, and get it back in your hand and aimed before your opponent can shoot.

+ Able to successfully resist chemical and torturous interrogation--even if you're watching it happen to someone else.

+ Willing to break any rule, prohibition, or law on any of the books should a mission require it of you, and to accept the reprimands and other consequences with good grace afterwards

+ Able and willing to lose the confidence of your crew for their own diplomatic immunity should the above necessity occur, and able to regain it afterwards

+ Able to listen to reason or an intuition from anybody, at any time, under any circumstances, and to respond appropriately

+ Able to apply justice, mercy, and compassion to every problem presented you and every person facing you

+ Able to dehumanize entire species and any members of them you may encounter as necessary

+ Able to sit in a chair and sign fuel consumption reports six days out of ten and fight a pitched battle for the remaining four without any sleep-- and then go back to signing reports.

+ Able to kill any machine by talking at it

+ Reasonably attractive and entirely unremarkable in appearance

+ Tactically creative

+ Not artistic or gifted in any way that is irrelevant to a classic military backdrop, or willing and able to keep it completely secret and to yourself

+ Proficient in any job on your vessel

+ Able to ensure that all tasks are completed to Starfleet's satisfaction by all personal

+ Able to refrain from micromanaging

+ Able to accurately evaluate and appropriately assign, commend, promote, demote, and reprimand the abilities and attitudes of four hundred and thirty crewmembers

+ Able to spot any potential in any person or thing and utilize it appropriately

+ Able to present a good face to the press

+ Able to accept and assign credit and blame where due

+ Able to take reprimands, guilt, shame, crew deaths, family emergencies, declarations of war, national emergencies, and all unexpected contingencies in stride and come in to work as usual the next day

+ Able to maintain an always friendly attitude of spirited competition towards the rest of your department

+ Willing to undergo any tests that Starfleet or any of its officers may require of you

+ Willing to face a departmental death rate of ~20% over a period of six months; the highest in Starfleet.

If you feel you fit these requirements and can maintain these attitudes consistently, constantly, and all at once, then send in your application today! YOU may be eligible to become A STARSHIP CAPTAIN!