My name is Will Tippin, and I'm a heroin addict. Actually I'm not-Hey! Don't leave! I know you've heard all the excuses before, but trust me, you've never heard this one.

Are you still with me? Good. To explain, I'll tell you how I became a heroin addict. The conventional way would be to shoot up, right? I'm pretty unconventional; I became an addict when my wisdom teeth were pulled. I know what you're thinking; "This loser must be stoned. No one gets addicted to heroin on a dental visit."

But who said anything about a dentist? My teeth were pulled by some crazy Asian guy after I'd been kidnapped. He didn't even use anesthesia! Also, I never said I was addicted, I said I'm an addict. You see, the people who kidnapped me thought I knew something. They were trying to torture me. After I got home, I was told that the best way to avoid a repeat experience was to turn myself into someone who couldn't be trusted. I'd developed a new found appreciation for my teeth so I agreed. You know what the crazy thing is? It worked. After all, what's one addict, more or less?