When Mary Sues Attack

The bottle of brandy sat, half open on the wooden table, swaying along with the waves. Jack Sparrow picked it up, carefully examining it for any traces of Mary Sues. He was examining a pink blotch on the mouth of the bottle when Will entered. The temperature in the theatre rises 500 degrees. "What are you doing now?" Will asked, exasperated. "Find any Mary Sues lately?" For some reason, the audience finds this hysterical and starts to laugh. Will flashes them a sexy smile. (Can smiles be sexy? Because. Well, I find that difficult to comprehend, considering it is a MOUTH and you can't exactly have a sexy mouth, unless you're Kevin Alexander Clark, and you aren't, and..) "Enough already!" Jack screams at the wonderfully talented, good-looking, kind, intellectual, smart, narrator. Oh well. Anyway, back to the story. "Find any Mary Sues lately?" The viewers laughs. Again. "You just said that," Jack explains to the good-looking but stupid Will Turner. "Hmph." Pretty boy Will sighs. "I find it hard to understand." The spectators erupt with applause at Will's use of such a big word. Another of Will's sexy smiles is flashed, although I'm sure the audience would have loved for something else to be flashed. Ahem. "So, what do Mary Sues do?" Will asks Jack as he presses his finger to the blotch on the bottle. "Ahh!" Steam hisses off of Jacks fingers as he dropped the bottle. "It's Mary Sue lipstick! The most cursed item of the sea!" "I thought it was that gold," Will states, obviously puzzled.