(The name of practically every person involved in the movie flashes on screen. It is, quite possibly, the most boring opening credits ever. After exactly one minute and five seconds several flashes of lightning appear. Followed by seventeen more seconds of credits.)
A RANDOM RIVER
(A woman has just thrown her baby into the river below. A man is comforting her.)
Man: Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.
Woman: Oh Mark, I love you.
(The baby meanwhile, safely in a basket, has made its way to an underground chamber filled with rats. The scene reminds the audience of the movie Batman Returns.)
Rat # 2: Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Rat # 8: What's that Lassie? Erik's in trouble?
(Lassie, the rat, jumps into the water and somehow pulls the baby to shore.)
Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and the inhabitants of darkness. Or, in Layman's terms, the soon to be Phantom has a mostly platonic relationship with the rats.
PARIS 1887- THE PARIS OPERA HOUSE
(The pseudo Joseph Buquet, though not in name, is lowered into a horizontal tunnel and begins randomly hitting the wall with a hammer.)
Man # 1: Be careful. Seti was no fool.
(Just then, his hammer opens up a crack in the wall. Out of it, shoots a white bright light. He stares into it and it opens a lot more. Pseudo Joseph Buquet screams.)
Pseudo Joseph: Help!
Man # 2: What's wrong?
Pseudo Joseph: Something is gnawing at my legs!
(The men raise him up, only to discover that the top half of his body is gone. They demonstrate their horrible acting skills only to get attacked by "the creature" as well.)
Rabid POTO phan in the audience: I hope that isn't Erik.
(Christine enters and begins to sing. She gazes into the empty theatre and the set is as poor as her lip-synching skills.)
Christine (singing): I'm noooot weeearrrring a braaaa! Theeere is aaa creepy maaan staaariiing at meeee! He's thhhheee wooooorsssst Phaaaantttooooom I've eveeeer seeen! Noooooo maaaask!
Christine's maid Honorine (from offstage): Christine! (walks in) Oh, there you are. It's time to put on your costume and a (cough, bra, cough).
Christine: I'll be right there. I'm not done being ogled by the Phantom yet.
(Honorine leaves and the Phantom ogles Christine some more. Then, she frolics off stage.)
(Christine sees the Phantom waiting for her and she decides to suddenly become modest.)
Christine: Beg pardon?
Phantom: I said nothing, but I thought it. Your music fills me with a divine light. Almost as divine as the one that greeted the workers before I ate their flesh.
Christine: Forget about me.
Phantom: I can't. Your music is sublime, beautiful, and you are too delicious to forget. White meat is my favorite you know. This will be our secret.
Christine: All right, I'll tell everyone that you like dark meat
Phantom: When you hear my thoughts you'll know where to go.
(He walks away, leaving Christine more confused than usual. She suddenly becomes schizophrenic.)
Christine: Yes, I can hear you. (as Gollum) Christine. My Precious. Christine Daae.
(Ignace, the rat catcher, is busy resetting a trap.)
Ignace: Shit! It's cold! And I have the sudden urge to stick my hand in this trap.
(He tries to resist, but ends up impaling his hand anyway. Then the rats arrive and start eating his thumb.)
Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the filthy rat catcher and the inhabitants of darkness.
Dario Argento: Quiet! I don't need you anymore. You did your voice-over, now get out.
Narrator: But I'm so lonely.
CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM
(Christine receives roses from Raoul, but can't help thinking about the telepathic/ mask-less/ nameless/ rat loving Phantom.)
Christine (singing): You'll be swell, you'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here, starting now, honey, everything's coming up roses... Blow a kiss, take a bow...
Honorine: SHUT UP!
For the most part, Erik will be referred to as the Phantom because in this movie version he has no name.
Also, I called the one worker pseudo Joseph Buquet because he does die at the hands of the Phantom (like Joseph) but there is a character already with the name Joseph Buquet in this version.
Special thanks to Pokey and Dippy for their input.