Phantom of the Alternate Script: Spoof Guide


Man: Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.

Woman: Oh Mark, I love you.

* Explanation: On an episode of South Park, Cartman decides to start collecting T-Cells to save Kenny's life. He convinces a couple to have an abortion causing the conversation above to occur.

(The baby, safely in a basket, has made its way to an underground chamber filled with rats. The scene reminds the audience of the movie Batman Returns.)

* Explanation: In the movie Batman Returns the very first scene shows the Penguin (as a baby) thrown off a bridge and into a river. His bassinet arrives inside a cave where he is greeted and then raised by penguins.

Rat #2: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Rat #8: What's that Lassie? Erik's in trouble?

* Explanation: Timmy, the main character in the show Lassie was always falling into a well or trapped in an abandoned mine and the dog, Lassie would always warn the mother. I just replaced Timmy with Erik (The Phantom's name in the Gaston Leroux novel) and voila.

Man # 1: Be careful. Seti was no fool.

(Just then, his hammer opens up a crack in the wall. Out of it, shoots a white bright light.)

* Explanation: This scene reminded my friend Pokey and I of the part in The Mummy when the workers open up a secret compartment. When they do get it open, a little trap appears and the workers are melted. So, I put what the Egyptologist says right before they're killed.

(She starts walking and suddenly becomes schizophrenic.)

Christine: Yes, I can hear you. (as Gollum) Christine. My Precious. Christine Daae.

* Explanation: In The Lord of the Rings, there is a creature named Gollum who used to one of the river-folk. He became obsessed with the One Ring (his Precious) and began talking to his other personality Sméagol.

Christine (singing): You'll be swell, you'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here, starting now, honey, everything's coming up roses... Blow a kiss, take a bow...

* Explanation: This song, sung by Bette Midler (hiss), just seemed right. Christine got roses and in the third scene she took a bow and blew a kiss.


(Carlotta is singing in her "look at me I'm a diva" way and her assistant Marcel, who for all extensive purposes shall now be referred to as Sir Fopling, caters to her every whim.)

* Explanation: In British Lit. class we read a mock epic called The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope and a character was mentioned named Sir Fopling who was also the main character in a comedy called Sir Fopling Flutter. Marcel seemed very foppish to me.

Ignace: It was like a creature from hell.

Dr. Princard: The Olsen twins?

* Explanation: Words cannot describe how much I hate the Olsen twins. Well maybe a few choice words, but I don't want to be a bitch. SLUTS! (cough, HERPES MONGERS! Cough,  WALKING STDS! cough) Now that I've got that out of my system...

Madame Giry: I have met him right here in this box.

Rabid POTO phan: That's not even the right box!

Montluc: This box?


* Explanation: The box in this movie was on the wrong side. I think it was actually box thirteen. When I went to France I tried to get inside box five to take pictures for my friend Pokey, but the door was locked. I was very angry, but not angry enough to want to get arrested.


Paulette: What did the Phantom look like?

Alfred: He was dressed all in black with a black leather cape.

Paulette: Like Batman?

Alfred: Hey, Master Bruce can do whatever he wants.

* Explanation: Batman, or Bruce Wayne had a butler named Alfred.

Paulette: You killed my boyfriend!

Phantom: Come now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. In fact, since the tragic death of your boyfriend...

Paulette (seeing Alfred move a little) He's not quite dead.

Phantom: Since the near fatal wounding of your boyfriend...

Paulette: He's getting better.

Phantom: For, since your own boyfriend... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (chokes Alfred until he stops moving)

Paulette: Oh, he's died.

* Explanation: Basically, this is taken, almost word for word from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sir Lancelot bursts into a castle and kills the majority of the guests attending a wedding. This conversation takes place between Herbert's father and some random guest and they're discussing the "death" of the bride's father.

(The Phantom is looking at the stars when he starts to see visions. The first vision is of a flaming rat trap with naked people caught inside of it. His second vision is of a very scantily clad Christine. Scantily clad enough to put Bonnie Tassels to shame.)

* Explanation: My gym class decided that Bonnie Tassels was a good porn star name.

Phantom: Christine, I have something to tell you. I have a tail.

Christine: You mean you have a story?

* Explanation: In Shallow Hal, Hal's friend tells him he has a tail and Hal says, "you mean you have a story."

Raoul: You can come out now if you promise to behave. Christine. Christine. Oooh! Gone again!

* Explanation: This is from the movie Nightmare Before Christmas. Dr. Finklestein goes to check on Sally, only to discover that she had escaped again.


(Nearby, two men are arguing, fully clothed, in the swimming pool.)

Jerome: I think Billy and his boyfriend are playing water polo.

Raoul: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco!

Jerome: Polo! Man, that's a good game.

* Explanation: In the movie Billy Madison he has a fight with his girlfriend in a swimming pool. His friends wake up in a drunken stupor and try to make sense of what they see.

Raoul: Christine? Is that you Christine?

Whore: No darling, it's not Christine. I'm Rose, Rose Velvet Lips.

Raoul: Tonight you are my Christine.

* Explanation: The Phantom in the Robert Englund version says this to Christine after she sings for him.

Swiss Chocolate Monger: Wait for me my little sugar plum. Wait! Wait for me! I don't want to hurt you, I just want you life.

* Explanation: The character of Renfield in Mel Brookes' Dracula Dead and Loving It screams the, "I don't want to hurt you I just want your life," line while trying to catch a fly.

Dwarf: At least I'm not a devil midget.

* Explanation: Once again, the Robert Englund version of Phantom, in which the Phantom sells his soul to a devil midget.

(The machine itself looks like something out of a B movie from the 80's.)

Ignace: Someone's in my fruit cellar. Someone with a fresh soul.

Dwarf: Groovy

* Explanation: These lines come from the movie Evil Dead 2. Ignace's line is said by the Henrietta Demon when Ash falls into the fruit cellar where she was buried and the Dwarf's line is said by Ash throughout the movie itself.


(Next, he decides to sodomize her.)

Christine: But my love, I don't pound butt.

Phantom: No, but your shoes say you take it in the butt.

* Explanation: On South Park everyone becomes Metro-Sexual, which is basically where you look and act gay, but you're not. The gay character, Mr. Garrison starts to hit on these Metro-Sexual men and the conversation above occurs.

(There is a shot of a fly traveling around the room.)

Fly: This is What's the Buzz, starring me, Philomena Fly.

* Explanation: Philomena Fly, a fly, was on a short show called What's the Buzz that was sometimes on Nickelodeon. The camera work in this movie looked just like it did on Nickelodeon.

Christine: Rabbit season.

Phantom: Duck season.

Christine: Rabbit season.

* Explanation: On Looney Tunes, Bugs and Daffy would always argue about whether it was rabbit season or duck season.

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and the his whore.

Dario Argento: I thought I told you to leave.

Narrator: I know, but it's so hard to find work and I think I'm falling in love with you Dario.

Dario (taking out a gun): Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

* Explanation: The very last line is from the movie that Kevin liked to watch in Home Alone.

Phantom's Disembodied Voice: You will not sing Romeo and Juliet. If you defy me I will punish you Jabba the Hutt.

Carlotta: I am not Jabba the Hutt. Bee kee coco raca.

* Explanation: Jabba the Hutt was basically a gross green slug type gangster in Star Wars. The Bee kee coco raca thing is somewhat how he sounds when he talks.


Christine: What's happening here? Where's my name-less love? Where's anybody? If only I hadn't made this journey. If only I hadn't gotten in that boat. If only I were amongst friends, or sane persons. Oh my love, what have you done?

(She stares into the candle in front of her and starts singing.)

Christine (singing): Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened? Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes, which one are yours?

* Explanation: The first part of Christine's diatribe is based on Janet's from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. She too is looking for someone, but it's her fiancée Brad. The song is from Yentel starring Barbra Streisand (hiss). Her character has a candle in front of her and is singing to her dead father.

Christine: You're late.

Phantom: For a very important date.

* Explanation: The White Rabbit's song from Alice in Wonderland. The wording isn't exactly right, but it's close.

Phantom: Don't worry, you'll get used to being tortured, raped, and locked in a birdcage from now on.

Christine: Birdcage?

* Explanation: In the 1990 version of Phantom of the Opera, Erik locks Christine in what looks like a birdcage.

Phantom (singing): One hundred rats crawling around my lair. One hundred rats crawling around. Take one down, put it in my pants, ninety-nine rats crawling around my lair.

* Explanation: To the tune of One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

Raoul: Then you're screwed.

Christine: At least I'm used to it. Now, let's go make out on the roof.

* Explanation: In the movie Empire Records, Deb and Gina (the slut) are reading a list of rules about the company that is going to take over the record store where they work. When they're finished, Deb says, "We're both screwed. At least you're used to it."

Phantom: For who could ever learn to love a beast?

* Explanation: From the opening of Beauty and the Beast

Christine: (all of a sudden she reverts to rap) Let me entertain you, let me make you smile. Let me do a few tricks, some old and then some new tricks. I'm very versatile.

* Explanation: This song is Let Me Entertain You from Gypsy. Why did she start singing this? Because I didn't feel like adding all those extra letters to her words, and because this Christine is a huge whore.


* Explanation: Stella was screamed in A Streetcar named Desire and Heathcliff was screamed in the movie version of Wuthering Heights. (Never read the book Wuthering Heights. Ever. It's evil.)

Phantom: Save me Jebus!

* Explanation: Homer Simpson says this on an episode where PBS is after him.


And now you are free from the torment that is this story. Look for Curse of the Mummy's Alternate Script Returns in the next few weeks.

Free, free, the sky is your playground!