Disclaimer: None of the following characters belong to me. I'm only borrowing them for a short while.
A/N: This is a very small piece of silliness that popped into my head late one night. One shot only, no sequels. Just a collection of all my favourite men, together in one room.A Slash of Men
"She can't sleep again."
"What? Oh, god, not again."
"Is that what we're doing here, because she's an insomniac?"
"What time is it?"
"Two o'clock. She's still reading."
"Which one this time?"
"Ink Stained Fingers."
"That means we're paired again, Harry."
"Am I still a seventh year?"
"Just graduated this time. At least you're legal."
"Hey, it states in the rules that no underage sex is allowed."
"No, it states no paedophilia. Warnings have to be posted."
"At least you don't come across as an old pervert."
"Sev, you could never come across as a pervert." A warm hand was pressed on his shoulder, reminding him how sweet and caring Harry was. Severus shuddered; Dear God, she was in fluff mode.
"Are you sure we have the right room?" A very British voice came from the opened door. The other occupants looked up and saw two men, one dark, one blond, standing there. Four other men were behind them.
"Hey, fresh blood."
"Did someone mention blood?" another British voice cut in.
"Can it, Fangless."
"Not so much of the Fangless, pet, she's unchipped me."
"Thank you so much." Another tall, dark and American raised his eyes to the ceiling.
**You're welcome.** A disembodied voice sounded from above.
"Why aren't you in bed yet?" Ron called.
"Go and shag that husband of yours then. I'm sure he won't mind being woken up." Draco was eyeing the rather fetching blond in the black leather.
**He's on nights.**
"So you're still up reading then? You won't be much use at work tomorrow."
"Shit, that means we'll be on call too." Harry flung himself into a chair by the fire.
"Come in then, you're making the place look untidy." Severus stood up and indicated that the newcomers should enter. The blond in leather sauntered in, followed by a younger man, two men in blue uniforms and two others in army green trousers and matching t-shirts. The grey haired man swept the room with his eyes, searching for exits, but there was only the one door. They stood uncertainly in the middle of the room.
"Severus Snape, Hogwarts. You must be Jack O'Neill." He held out his hand for the American to shake.
"Why am I here?" he was a little bewildered.
"Ah, I forget you haven't been here before. Unfortunately, we've been here quite a while now, ever since that dratted sister of hers introduced her to fan fiction."
"Fan Fiction. Her nom de plume is Moonglow11066. Sister's is Sunglow. They're twins."
"Why am I here?"
"Ignore him, Mr Snape. Jack hasn't had his coffee yet." A smaller man with glasses stepped forward to shake Severus's hand. "Daniel Jackson."
"Ah yes, she's bookmarked a few of your pairings." Severus nodded.
"You obviously know a lot more about this than we do."
"Yes. I used to be here with Hermione Granger, but she.." a quick glance to the ceiling, "decided to change teams." He glanced at Harry who was still slumped in the chair by the fire.
"Oh, you're that Snape." The confusion cleared from the Colonel's eyes and Daniel, after a reassuring look, wandered over to join Harry.
"Welcome, Colonel. Nice to have someone here a little closer to my age." Severus went over to the drinks cabinet and picked up a bottle of beer.
"Thanks." Jack ran his fingers through his short hair, glancing around the room again. "So run this by me again?"
"You are currently in Moonglow's waiting room. It's where we congregate until she requires our services." Severus handed him the opened bottle and poured himself a whiskey.
Across the room, Draco was heading determinedly for the blond in leather. The dark man with him stepped forward to head him off.
"Relax, pet. You've got nothin' to worry 'bout."
"Positive. I like 'em a bit taller and darker." He leered at his companion.
"You must be Spike. Love the hair." Draco looked at him appraisingly, "Does it take long?"
"You kidding? He spends hours in the bathroom." When it came to discussing Spike's bathroom habits of the hair variety, Xander was happy to oblige.
"And not always alone, pet, eh?"
Xander rolled his eyes and Draco grinned, "So how long does it take to get it that colour?"
"Hi there, Ron Weasley at your service," he stopped in front of the two men in uniform.
"Why are there so many Brits here?" the blond drawled.
"She's British, Trip. So most of her characters are Brits." His dark haired companion explained.
"So who're the others?"
"Oh, that's Harry Potter, with Daniel Jackson over by the fire, Severus Snape, with Colonel Jack O'Neill, and it looks like Spike and Xander from Buffy with Draco Malfoy. Looks like she's gathered all her favourites here. We all know who you are."
"You recognise us?" the dark haired Brit asked.
"Sure, Trip Tucker and Malcolm Reed from the Enterprise ship. She's just discovered you."
"That sounds ominous."
"Yeah, once she's found a new pairing, she generally searches around to find all the stories. I'm surprised Spike and Xander haven't been here before now." Ron shrugged, eyeing the tall blond man in front of him. Malcolm frowned, not sure whether to warn the young redhead off his companion.
"It's Sunglow that's the expert on the Spike/Xander ship." Draco had left the other two when he saw Ron with the tall, attractive men in uniform.
"Sunglow?" Trip drawled. Malcolm felt a shiver run down his spine at the honeyed accent. Severus looked across at him.
"Fluff mode." He called. Malcolm looked back, and nodded his understanding. That woman should have her Internet access restricted.
"Her sister. Fool woman told her about FanFiction.net." Draco explained. "There we were, perfectly happy in our books, and then she finds this website."
"Ah still don' unnerstand why we're here." Trip couldn't help his accent thickening and looked frantically at Malcolm.
"Oi! You up there!" Ron shouted.
"Can you tone it down please?"
**Sooorrry. Can't help it, I just love that accent.**
"Anyway, looks like she wants us all together for some reason." Draco said.
**I'm flicking through different sites at the moment, fellas, and I can't decide on a pairing. You'll have to stick together for a while.**
"Get a life, woman!" Jack shouted up at the ceiling.
"It's no use, Jack. We've all tried reasoning with her at one time. We think we've got DH on our side, so it's only a matter of time before he puts his foot down."
"Who the hell's DH?"
"Darling Husband," Severus shuddered, "It's what she calls him in her live journal."
"She has a live journal?"
"Yes. It gives us a bit of warning about what she's got in mind for us."
"And any warning is better than none?"
"Absolutely.." Severus's eyes were drawn to where Harry was deep in conversation with Daniel.
"It's something to do with the glasses." Jack confided.
"And the messy hair.."
"That innocent look about them.."
"And the muscles.."
"Hey, you don't fancy that ponce, d'you, pet?" a needy Spike whined as Xander looked over to where Ron and Draco were talking to the two Enterprise officers.
"What's not to fancy? He's blond, he's arrogant, he's got blue eyes.."
"Snap out of it, Spike. It's her up there that's affecting you."
"Shit. What's she on now, the 'romance' section of FF.net?"
"Go to bed, you stupid bint! Some of us need to sleep!"
**You don't, Spikey.**
"That's it. She calls me 'Spikey' one more time.." Xander forcibly restrained him from leaving the room and glared upwards.
**Okay, okay. Give me five minutes.**
"That's what you told DH the other night, and two hours later you were still reading." Xander griped.
**I promise. Five minutes.**
"We'll believe that when we see it." Severus snorted, handing Jack another beer.
They all looked up as the door opened.
"Oops, wrong door. Oh, hi Sev. Still awake is she?"
"I see you're still playing hard to get in 'Outside the Fire', so I'll catch you later. Come on Ginny, looks like she's not into femslash yet." The brown haired girl turned to the red haired girl.
"No, but DH is." Ginny said slyly, shutting the door.
"Does this seem weird, Mal?" Trip guided his friend over to the drinks cabinet.
"No weirder than you getting pregnant that time." Malcolm shrugged.
"You jus' hadda remind me, didn' ya, Mal." Trip grinned at him anyway and Malcolm's groin stirred.
"Uh oh, she must have found another Enterprise site." Malcolm groaned.
"Oi, Moonglow! Bugger off to bed! You promised!" Spike yelled.
**Okay, okay. See you boys tomorrow!** there was a whirring noise and then 'click'.
"I think she's gone." Xander cocked his head in a way that made Spike start to growl.
"Yeah, really." His dark eyes gleamed.
"Anyone fancy a game of poker?" Jack asked.
"Strip?" Severus raised an eyebrow.
Author's notes: Okay, that was the silliest thing I've ever written, but I couldn't resist.