Merlin, Not Another Cliché!
Summary: Ron breaks up with Hermione, and guess who swoops in to save our falling damsel? Draco of course! Warning: Serious Ron-bashing ensues. And I do mean serious.
Ron's Big, Big, Big Mistake
Hermione's face was blotchy-blue-red. Gross, the author thought. Absolutely stinking gross. And it was the perfect way to get across that our darling dear Hermione was truly heartbroken thanks to Ronald Fitzgerald Weasley, the world's biggest asshole and craptacular freakishly large footed freak of nature.
She had already gone through ninety-four and a half boxes of Weenex, the number one leading brand of Wizard Tissues which were magically enhanced to hold twice the number of solid tears! Amazing! Damn stupid Ron how dare he break up with her like that. It had been absolutely tragic. Oh, tragic wasn't even the right word. It was indescribable pain that Hermione felt, like a fire that had once burned within her, deep and lush and passionate, had been stamped out cruelly by the one boy she thought was The One.
Twenty pages more of long, poetic, bordering on sappy prose followed, explaining in detail Hermione's moist misery and tears, the way her blood had even turned yellow with ache and how her sanguine nature had dissipated into a soggy mess of unhappy, unholy, unworthiness.
In other words: the poor girl's been dumped, yo!
Soon her sadness turned to anger. How could Ron have done such a poopy thing! I mean seriously, how POOPY can you GET!
Yes, poopy was the coolest word on the streets these days, and the author just had to show off how freakin' mod she was.
Mod as in modern. Duh, come on, kids!
Hermione remembered the break-up as if it were yesterday. Come to think of it, it was yesterday.
"Hermione my sweet darling pie-piece!" Ron had said like always. She hadn't expected anything was wrong.
"Yes my sweet lovely pumpkin-juice cranberry love?" She had asked just like always.
"Will you fuck me?" He asked, like always.
And like always, Hermione hesitated, thought about it, and decided you know what, she just wasn't ready. "No."
And instead of saying, "Oh that's all right my itsy spider-hating pink blueberry muffin, I'll just use my hand" like he always did, Ron had said something different.
He had said, "Well Hermione, I don't know if I can go without sex anymore. I'm a teenage guy, babe. I gots hormones and someone's got to take care of them, right?"
She had nodded oh-so-tentatively, unsure and wary of what would come next.
"I hear Luna Lovegood loves good," he told her easily. "And that's where I intend to be. In other words sweet pea, it's over. Sorries! Oh and by the way you might want to consider a boob-enhancing charm. You're a little on the small side."
The nerve of that insolent little fucktard! How dare he! She turned to her diary and poured out sixty lines of fresh Ron-sucks-ass material. And then she felt better; the catharsis had helped.
Lavender and Parvati, the giggle twins, came in at that second. The author knew how to effectively use the two girls. They were brainless airheads that had a damn good sense of style, gave good head, drooled over Draco, and secretly fancied Snape. Right now the author intended to use clause Draco in order to introduce the dreamy hero of the fic.
"Oh Hermione," Parvati sighed. "Don't be sad. Ron is just a stupid prat-git. No one likes him."
"Except Luna who's fucking him!" Hermione sobbed.
"Ew, Mione," Lavender interjected. "Luna wears the weirdest clothes. And she smells strange too. You're so much better than her. Ron can only get a freak like her to lay him."
"You know who's looking mighty fine?" Parvati suggested. "And he's totally available."
"Who?" Hermione asked innocently. She didn't know the passion that she was yet to experience…
"Draco Malfoy!" the girls chorused.
Hermione was shocked. "Malfoy? But… that's scandalous! Malfoy objectifies women even more than Ron that stinking little (&)&)(&)(&)( (&)(&! )&()(!&))(!&!"
"Well Ron is a much bigger &)(()(&)(!& than Draco," Parvati said wisely. "You'd be better off with Draco. Go look him over. I hear he takes a bath in the prefects bathroom at three every day. It's two-forty-nine Hermione. It's up to you if you want to give him a chance."
Hermione thought about it. Sure Draco was a big annoying stretch mark of a problem, but he was better than Ron. And why pass up the chance to see a nice boy body?
"All right girls," she decided. "Enough moping. I'm off to have a look at Draco's ass."
"Take a picture please," Lavender swooned. "Yummity yum yum!"
So Hermione went into her friend Harry's dorm, cuz that was totally normal, stole his Invisibility cloak and crept into the prefect's bathroom at two-fifty-eight.
At precisely three – because Draco was so cool that his routine was down to the exact, yo – Draco stepped in and promptly disrobed.
Hermione's breath hitched. He was be-be-be-be-be-yoo-ti-ful! I mean gorgeous, hypnotizing, sexy, smooth, fresh… in other words, everything Ron was not.
Ron was an ugly sore thumb of a freakity freak freak who freakishly freaked out freaking everybody. Ron was like a sick nasty loser.
Draco heard her little breath and suspiciously asked, "who's there?"
Hermione threw off the cloak unable to stare in silence anymore. She blushed bright red when she realized he still wasn't wearing anything and he could see her.
"What are you doing here?" Draco smirked. He didn't seem in the least perturbed by his nakedness or her reaction.
"I'm sorry," and then her tears just started falling, "I just have to get over Ron…"
"you mean that ugly, Ugg-wearing, unanimously hated, undermining little urchin?" Draco asked with a smirk (he smirks all the time. The expression is practically plastered on his face. The author assures you that this is true. Just look at every fanfic out there).
"Yes exactly! That aggravating apple-fat acrimonious audacious asshole! That's him!" Hermione lightened. "I hate him! He dumped me for Luna Lovegood…" This brought a fresh onslaught of tears.
"Just because she loves good?" Draco asked. "What a dumb reason. Doesn't he know that having a girlfriend isn't all about sex? I mean seriously! A girlfriend is about having deep conversations and soulful looks and just happiness. Kissing and warm vanilla sugar fun like that. Sex is just so… special. You can't throw away lavender creamy nutmeg fuzzies for rough sex!"
"Exactly!" Hermione gasped. "you really get me! I'm astounded, considering you are… totally not on the same page as me."
Draco shrugged. "I dunno, I guess we get along pretty well when it comes to Ronald Fitzgerald Weasley."
"AKA Mr. I'm-a-sex-god-freak-loser-horny-bastard-boy?" Hermione asked.
"or AKA Mr. I'm-a-poor-fuck-that-fucks-his-sister-for-fun?" Draco smirked.
"Ooh I like it!" Hermione agreed although the language was clearly crossing the line. "That Ronald is an inbred ingrate. I hate him."
"Well I hate him too," Draco agreed.
Suddenly the air grew silent as Draco and Hermione realized that they had just agreed on something. Heck they'd even had a "civil conversation"! ( this "civil conversation" business comes from 1,835 fanfics. Sorry for stealing this line from you, if you are the author of one of those 1,835 fanfics. Oopsy-doopsy!).
"Hey," Draco said, realizing he was still naked. "You're welcome to… take a bath with me, if you want."
He meant it like offering a cookie, the author promised. Draco, the good guy, certainly didn't have any ulterior motives.
Hermione shrugged. "Well I guess so," she agreed and got naked and joined him.
This time Draco was the one who had to fight a blush. For she was like a goddess with her creamy skin, untouched by another man, her beauty astounding. He went on for forty pages about the way her curves curved or the delicate swell of her breasts. For Draco, my friends, was a poet. A real poet.
So they sat in silence and then finally they realized something. They liked each other, they weren't enemies.
And they were both itching to fuck.
"Draco," Hermione breathed as she scooted closer to him. "You get me so much better than Ron."
This was a cue for the snog-fest scene. For details please turn to a smutty fic.
After the snog-fest was finished Draco was looking for more and Hermione decided that her precious virginity was about to go bye-bye-bye, baby bye-bye-bye because she'd finally found the right guy.
So Ron never got what he wanted, that butt-ugly butthead, and Draco slowly took his place. Draco bought Hermione flowers and made love to her slowly. Draco wrote her poems and took pictures of her when she was sleeping. He gave her candy every day and stared at her in a way that could only be described as… creepy.
Ok so we're not all perfect, but Draco and Hermione lived happily ever after.
"Hey!" Hermione said suddenly. "I haven't cursed at Ron for… two minutes! Shit! Ron's a little prick with no prick who pricks girls and…"
And Draco joined in too. Oh they really were a perfect couple.
A/N: Sorry I don't "update" very often, but since they're one-shots I don't really feel inclined too. You guys are awesome with cliché ideas! I love them! I'll appreciate anymore I can get. I want to thank wickedwiccan1 for the idea of this particular cliché. Reviews will be appreciated.