Gandalf Bitch-Slaps Saruman

Gandalf lounged lazily at the top of Orthanc, working on his tan and seething about Saruman.  But mostly just seething.  Really, there was little else to do. 

Stupid Saruman, Gandalf thought.  Stupid tower forged by the Men of Númenor.  Stupid Ring.  Stupid Eagles he asked to meet him here, but still hadn't arrived.  Stupid Radagast.  Oh, it probably wasn't really Radagast's fault, but if the man had just spent a little less time talking with birds, and little more time taking good minutes at Wizard meetings like the Secretary is supposed to, maybe someone would have noticed that Saruman had become evil…Stupid Saruman and his stupid, stupid color change.  Saruman of Many Colors.  Doesn't he realize he looks like got in a fight with a paint truck and lost?  Oh, but he loves his coat of many colors.  It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and…ARGH!  He was singing that song again!

*Click* Gandalf looked up blurrily as Saruman arrived at the top of Orthanc.  Saruman swished out imperiously while an evil-eyed Orc (as if there were any kind-eyed Orcs) held the door for him.  "I shall not be long," said Saruman.

"Do you ever get tired of taunting me?" asked Gandalf.

"Have you reconsidered my generous offer, Gandalf the Grey?"

"Huh?  Oh, you mean the one where you and I align with Sauron, take the Ring from him and rule Middle Earth without somehow becoming incarnations of evil ourselves?  No."

"It is unwise for the Wise to disagree."

"It is also unwise for the Wise to hold each other captive, but you seem to be ignoring that just fine."

"Gandalf, I am only looking for the best interests of Middle Earth.  It is not right for a single person to hold the Ring.  Such power should be distributed amongst those with the ability to rule."

"I guess this means you're not cutting Radagast in on the deal."

Off in the distance, Gandalf saw a dark speck rising and falling on the wind.  Hmmm…were the Eagles coming?

"Gandalf, I have lived many Ages, walked many miles beside the trees and rivers, heard many tales of Elves and Men…"

Oh, here we go, thought Gandalf.  Another speech.  Gandalf simply watched the dark speck come closer and closer to Isengard.  Yes, it was an Eagle.  Gwaihir the Windlord, if his eyes were not mistaken.  And about bloody time too.

"…and I think I've come up with a fiscally responsible plan for the deforestation of Fangorn…" droned Saruman, completely oblivious to the fact he was about to lose his audience.

The speck was now a fully formed Eagle, and circling beyond Saruman's range of vision.

"Saruman," interrupted Gandalf, "I really have only one thing to tell you.  You could never get the Ring away from Sauron.  He is one tight fisted SOB."

Gandalf leapt from the tower, and free fell.  Damn, he thought, where's that Eagle?

"There is but one Lord of the Ring," shouted Gandalf on his way down, "and he does not share power!"

Gwaihir swooped down below Gandalf, saving him from a messy and pretty embarrassing death at the foot of Orthanc.  "Nice catch," complimented Gandalf.

"I'm going to turn my meter on now," replied Gwaihir, "and there'll be an extra charge since I had to come all the way out to Isengard."

Cheapskate, thought Gandalf.

Saruman was left at the top of Orthanc with his mouth hanging open.  Then, with a pout and a huff, stormed his way back to where the Orc had been waiting.

"Oh man," said the Orc, "I think you just got bitch-slapped."  Saruman just grunted.

"Metaphorically, I mean," added the Orc.

"I got it!" snapped Saruman.