Disclaimer: Not mine. Darn it. Belong to Dick Wolf although if he'd like to share…..
Spoilers: Loss (aired 10/14/03 in the States)
Category: Olivia/Elliot friendship
Feedback always accepted at firstname.lastname@example.org
Archiving: Sure, just let me know where.
Summary: Post-ep. Olivia has lost so much in her life. One nightmare brings her to the brink of leaving the SVU.
Authors Notes: Okay, I just started watching SVU within the last month – and thanks to USA network I think I've caught up a lot hehehe. Anyway, this is my first SVU story, it's post-ep and if it sucks I apologize.'She Was Right'
They weren't sure how long they had been standing out in the dark staring after the taillights. They weren't sure of anything anymore.
"Are you okay?" Elliot Stabler asked quietly. His partner looked over at him, her cheeks stained with tears that still fell from her eyes.
Olivia Benson's mouth opened but no sound emerged.
"Neither am I," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her.
"She was dead," she hiccupped against his neck.
"I know. We all thought that." He felt her hold him tighter. While he knew that he was her best friend, he also knew that she and Alex had also been close like sisters. Olivia had only ever had her mother while growing up. Her mother had died only a few years ago. Now… now to lose Alex… "At least she's still alive," he assured her.
That only made her cry harder. His own tears stung his eyes. Pulling back, he looked at her. "Come on, let's get out here."
Benson nodded and followed him back to the car. Once inside, she turned to face him. "How are we going to deal with the funeral tomorrow?"
Hands resting on the steering wheel, he stared straight ahead. "I don't know."
"What if she…" Benson took a deep breath. "What if she is never able to return?"
Elliot sat back against the drivers seat and rolled his head to the side until his eyes met hers. "She's safe, Liv, that's more than we could offer her."
Her eyes filled with tears once again and she nodded. "I know and that is the most important thing but…"
"Why does it still feel like we lost Alex?"
Big brown eyes answered.
"It probably always will feel this way." Stabler turned the key and the car purred. "We can't tell anyone."
Olivia said nothing more as they drove back to the station.
"No! No, no, no, no," she chanted as she crawled along the sidewalk ignoring her own pain where glass had cut through her skin. "No! You're not going to die on me."
Cold, pained eyes stared straight up at her.
"Come on, don't do this." Warm blood gushed between her fingers as she applied pressure to the wound. "Hang on."
"NO!" Olivia cried as her friend took a last breath. "NO!"
She sat straight up in her bed, sweat and tears dripping from her face. Still in a daze, she reached for her phone and dialed the number by heart.
"Hello?" answered a sleep-laden, groggy voice.
She couldn't speak as it finally hit her what she had done.
"Olivia, is that you?"
Elliot's wife opened her eyes and looked to him from her side of the bed. When he had told her about Alex's murder, Kathy's heart immediately went out to Olivia. "Is it her?" she mouthed.
He shrugged. "Liv?"
"I'm sorry, El, I shouldn't have… I didn't realize… I'm sorry."
"Olivia!" But she had hung up already.
"Go see her," Kathy whispered. "She needs someone to talk to."
He looked at her. "Are you sure?"
She smiled and nodded.
Leaning down, he kissed her then climbed out of bed.
Her smile faded slightly when he left the room. She knew Olivia and Elliot were close and sometimes it terrified her. It terrified her to think that there was one woman who, with one word, could possibly take him away from her. Sure, she knew Olivia would never even think of doing such a thing but it did not help to alleviate her fears.
"Liv? Come on, answer the door." Elliot tried to keep his knocking and voice to a minimum due to the late hour. Finally, after several moments, he heard the lock click and the door slowly opened.
"You didn't have to come down here you know," she sniffled.
He stepped in and closed the door. "What happened?" he asked noticing her red eyes.
"Nothing. Just a nightmare." She turned and walked away from him. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"No, thanks." He followed her into the kitchen. "What was the nightmare about?"
Slowly her eyes found his. "That night. Only it wasn't Alex lying there this time. It was…"
Olivia nodded and turned away once again. "I was still half asleep when I called you. I'm sorry. Tell Kathy I'm sorry for waking her."
"She's worried about you too."
Olivia smiled at him but said nothing. Picking up a glass of water, she went out to the living room.
Elliot followed and sat beside her on the couch.
"Alex was right, you know," she told him softly.
"We never truly win." She hesitated before continuing. "Sure, we may catch the perps but only after someone is hurt. Then we have to prove it in court and that only destroys the victim more as they drag their sexual history through the mud. When all is said and done the victim more times than not is made out to look like the perp."
"Liv, you don't really believe that."
"Don't you? How many times have we had to move heaven and earth to find one tiny shred of evidence because the victims' bruises just weren't enough? Look at what's going on with the Kobe case. They are trying to make the girl look like a slut. What about his history? How many partners has he had?"
Elliot tried not to smile. "That's not even our case."
Letting out a frustrated sigh, she stood up. "That's not the point. The point is that it should be about what happened that night between them not who she slept with or didn't sleep with prior to that. And how many times have we seen that? How many times have we seen fifteen-year-old girls have to disclose if, when, and how many times they had sex before they were raped? How many times have we seen families unnecessarily torn apart because the lawyers dug into their past… a past some of them had truly left there?" Tears streamed down her face.
Stabler stared at his partner. He had never seen her react like this. It scared him. It terrified him. "Are you thinking of leaving?"
"Yes!" But when she saw his expression she took a breath and sat beside him. "No, not really. I just… why should an Assistant District Attorney have to go into hiding because of a criminal?"
"I don't know. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't."
She sat back and rested her head on the couch. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. It's just so frustrating. Alex was shot right in front of us. Then the nightmare…"
As much as Elliot wanted to pull her to him and comfort her, he couldn't. Holding her in the parking lot as Alex was driven away was one thing. This, this would be far too intimate. Instead, he also sat back against the couch. "Why don't you use some of that vacation time you have saved up? Take a long weekend in the mountains or something. Relax."
"Is that your way of telling me to get lost for awhile?" she laughed.
He smiled. "Could be."
"Why don't you go back to sleep. I'll stay here in case you have another nightmare," he offered.
"Don't be silly. I'll be fine."
They both stood up.
"Thank you, Elliot, for coming over. I really do appreciate it."
He stared at her for a moment. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
"Kathy and the kids need you there. Go home."
Her eyes told him she wasn't so sure but they also told him she wasn't going to talk about it anymore that night and one thing he had learned about Olivia – don't push her. Instead he placed a hand on her arm. "As long as you're sure. They'd understand. Heck, they might be mad at me if I don't stay."
Laughing, she shook her head. "I'm sure I won't have another nightmare about you now that I've seen you. Just… can you call me when you get home so I know you made it back okay?"
"Yes, Mom, I can do that."
She grinned and opened the door for him. "Thank you again."
He stopped in the doorway. "We'll get through the funeral."
With a nod, she slowly closed the door behind him.
From his car he watched her lights go out. She was one of the strongest and most independent women he had ever met but every person had a breaking point and he wondered just how far away she was from hers. Would he recognize it before it was too late? With a heavy heart, he drove back home. Kathy had a mug of hot chocolate waiting for him when he walked into the house. After he called Olivia, as promised, Kathy walked over to him and held him as he cried long into the night.
*I apologize for the sudden ending but it just seemed to work.